This morning, I woke up to Bolo’s snuggling up to me and whispering, “In love man gyud ta isa’t-isa B noh?” (We must really be in love with each other, are we not?” Then he whispered again so softly, “I love you so much B. I could not bear the thought of losing you.” It was spoken so softly I had to ask him to repeat what he said.
What a way to wake up to huh? We had a spat again yesterday. Yeah, again. And again it was quite…well… “fiery.” But as fast as the flames erupted, we were also able to resolve it immediately. Nonetheless, the episode left me drained for the entire morning.
When we were both rational enough to sift through the hurting words and discuss the issue at hand, we were both dismayed to discover that what each one was fighting for is really valid. I mean, the whole thing was really just a case of misunderstanding.
Well, he refused to do something for me, citing Baby as an excuse. That did not sit well with me however, noting how he could flit off whenever and wherever he wanted to regardless of his having to tag Baby along. His excuse created an opportunity for me to harp on how he could always jump at the chance to help other people and yet be less charitable towards his family who should matter the most.
To dissect through all the rubbish talk, the whole issue was really like this – (a) Obviously, I certainly have an issue about him being always eager to go out with his friends than being with me; (b) He hates the fact that I’m curtailing his freedom to flit off and have some time for himself; (c) The real reason why he’s refusing really is that he’s not confident about facing doctors and nurses who might ask him things he knew nothing of.
That was it really. It’s just that we have certain issues we haven’t really openly discussed with each other yet. So, with the slightest trigger, those issues rose right up to the surface and so another skirmish began…
When I learned about how the thought of asking for medical records and being asked something he might not be able to answer properly is leaving him feeling incompetent and fearful, my temper deflated like a balloon pricked by a needle. My anger evaporated like smoke. It was replaced with understanding and well, compassion. I mean, sure I could understand that. I also feel the same way when I’m being asked to handle something I feel is way beyond my ken. So his excuse is valid really. I was still smarting from the argument but I mellowed down a bit and chided him for not voicing out his real concern.
When everything was threshed out and we found out each other’s claims are really valid, I felt sorry we had to go through all those nonsense, had to say hurtful things to each other just because we had our signals crossed. Isn’t that a pity? Not to mention, such a waste of energy too.
I sit here now and think, what if in the exchange of words we managed to hurt each other so much that we were not able to discuss things rationally? What could have happened? We'd go on individually nursing our bruised pride and harboring ill feelings towards each other? What if he and I focused on the hurtful words and refused to look past them to find out what the real issue is? What then?
How many times did it happen that we say hurtful things to each other in the heat of the moment? And why is that? Reflecting on the matter, I think it’s a kind of a defense really. One hurl out hurtful things to mask the fact that the other had managed to hurt your feelings. It’s all pride talking really. (No wonder, pride is cited as one of the capital sins. I always wondered about that when I first encountered the word in grade school… I was trying so hard to understand each cited venial and capital sin to avoid committing them, lest I will not go to heaven hehehe Those were the days… And I thought life was already so complicated then hehehe what does a seven-year-old kid know, anyway? Hehehe)
But back to the future… 2o++ years after hehehe… I am discovering about how destructive pride could be… And it’s really a no way to be. That is, if you really value your relationships…
Good thing about Bolo and I -- while we are both passionate, hard-headed, stubborn individuals – we are quick at drawing up from the very core that holds this relationship together and that is our love for each other.
Really, when you are in a middle of a conflict, it is so easy to cling on one’s pride to the detriment of each other. There is always the tendency to just focus on the hurtful words that was said and not on the underlying issue behind it. It’s sad really since if one would just try to understand where the other is coming from then it is also a lot easier to iron out the conflict at hand…
Sometimes I would think, why not avoid conflict altogether by immediately trying to understand where the other is coming from. But that’s reality. Conflicts indeed arise. Every relationship goes through it. And more often than not, the “understanding” does not come that easily while temper and anger can be set off, even with the slightest excuse. Yeah, come to think of it, “understanding” is more difficult. Both partners had to work at it. Anger and temper on the other hand, could come so easily. So I guess, it really takes commitment to try and understand each other in a partnership. A part of me is quick to add – you’ve got to have the love too.
Oh well, marriage is not just a bed of roses alright. I knew that even then – cerebrally. Now I know about it “bodysoulfully” hehehe since I’m living right through it. I’ll admit, it could be quite taxing, having to go through conflict. It could be pretty draining. And Bolo and I have talked about that already. So we’re like trying to avoid going through similar episodes. Well, we’re working at it. I’m praying we would be able to build more on what really sustains our relationship than on what could only destroy it. Because, as Mama pointed out to me – I have a wonderful husband who puts up with me and my tantrums and my selfishness. She said I would not be able to find another one like him… I love you B.
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