Conversations

Today's gem is more related to the homefront than work related.  And I must add, it had been quite a while since we've had this kind of a gem.

Tatay went caving last Saturday.  He had a great time and I was really happy about that and for him. It's Sunday, so while it is the beginning of work-week for me, it's actually a weekend at home.  So during breaks, he and the children would sneak in a Skype call.  At one of these calls Tatay joked, "Why haven't you liked my facebook post on the pictures from the caving yet? You would be the 1,000th liker by the time you would!"

He rarely ever posts anything in social media so I figured the photos (of him, most likely than not), must be really good.  And so I checked it out later that day. True enough, I loved him in those photos.  He looked so carefree and happy.

Our evening conversation was mostly on what happened during the caving.  I asked him if it was the same one we went to a few years back.  One of the photos looked familiar.  He told me that it is a different one.  I asked if he could take me there and he said he would love to.  I asked if it's okay for the children and he told me he isn't quite sure about that. He said we could perhaps go when I arrive and I told him I have a very short homestay and would want to spend it more with the kids.

We just bantered on and on until I realised how we haven't had this kind of conversation for a long time.  I immediately pointed it to Tatay.  I told him it is refreshing and happy to be talking that way again. I told him it was made possible because of the fact that he did something for himself, apart from a "you-and-me" experience.  I said that is why it is important for us to be doing things differently and be involved with individual pursuits so we could bring something new to the relationship.  Then I added that, that is also why he should allow me to explore a bit, on my own.  So I can also bring in something to the table and have something exciting to share with him as well.

Typical of him, he readily pointed out that yesterday, I also called him up to share about my incident with the child in Kirkuk.  He said I do not necessarily have to venture out to be able to share with him something.  I told him, I would also love to share something fun and exciting with him.  Then he countered, he really wanted me to travel as well and do something exciting but what worries him is how safe I would be.  It sounded cheesy but knowing him, I know he meant it sincerely.  He then pointed out that I am traveling again real soon for a leisure kind and that he's okay with it albeit with reservations. Oh and yeah, I've traveled in the past for leisure where he's not with me and it's fine.  In most cases though I was with family so I guess he's okay with it.  But yeah, I'm certainly looking forward to having more conversations with him.

IQ Chronicles: If Only's

Picture this: you are sitting in the car, looking out the window. You see the houses you're passing by but not really seeing them. You are trying to make sense of all that you're feeling. 

You thought about how the house you just came from have no doors to keep them secure. You thought about how awhile back, you had to refuse some men and women asking for rice because what you brought was intended only for the participants of the FGD. Much as you want to give them the remaining ones, you could not because there is not enough for everyone. You could not just give to a select few. Doing so might only lead to fighting amongst them.

You wonder how fast the information had spread that even those from the other sector came.  You came strictly for that validation and brought only enough and a few extra. It wasn't an intended distribution after all.

Amidst all that, you had also been very conscious of the time. You are returning back to base, 4 hours away by car and you are already running late. The discussion with the women was lengthy and the chaos that ensued in the giving of rice added to that. You worry about having to travel in the dark. You worry about the driver who would have to travel 2 and a half hours back, in a deepening night. It was an exhausting week (and even the two weeks before that) but there is no room for you to even think about how tired you are.

Then, out of the corner of your eye, you noticed some movement behind the car. When you look back, you see the same boy who earlier, asked for rice, running after your car. Earlier, you had asked about his Mum and whether she was part of the "meeting."  He had said she was not. In the chaos that ensued, you only managed a few lines of apology and then had to leave. 

You've covered around 3 blocks already and you wonder how he must have ran all the way. He looked like he's only eight. You were grateful the  road was bad and so that slowed you down.  Otherwise, you shudder at the thought of him running all that distance for nothing.  It would have been unlikely that you'd notice him if you had traveled at a faster pace. 

Before you knew it, the floodgates opened. Without warning, you found yourself  crying in the car. You've stopped the car of course. The rice was in the other vehicle at the rear. You only have the remaining juice and so you initially offered that to him. He said, he needed the rice more. You felt your heart break to even smaller pieces.

You waited for the other car and eventually you were able to give him the rice that he wanted. He said he has four other siblings with his mother and they really need the rice.

You looked at him and you are amaze to just see him smiling. He did not show any sign of tiredness. You tried looking for that determined expression you saw on his face when you first caught a glance of him. It was unforgettable. It made your heart skip a beat. For now though, his face is simply aglow as he clutch the rice close to his chest.

Again, you felt your heart being squeezed from within. And you begin to wish for a million other possibilities. You begin again that inner dialogue that starts with "if only's."

Then you have to walk away, return his smile as you try to hide your tears.  As you walk towards your car and as you start to move away, you acknowledge that once again you are not the same person you were a few moments back. You've left a little of yourself with that boy and with the women. You've also managed to take so much from those encounters.

As you journey on, you think about love and how you have so much more to give. Yet at the same time, you think about your loved ones, especially the little ones you've left behind to pursue your passion. And once again you're torn to a little million pieces...

IQ Chronicles: You Saved Me

I found two gems today. It was a very productive day. I am tired but I feel fulfilled. A lot took my attention today as there were a myriad tasks but I feel grateful that I did not feel rushed or anything. It's as if I was flowing exactly as I should.

One of today's gem happened while I was consolidating FGD results. Some two weeks ago, I had my first field visit for the year. I had 3 FGD session in 3 of the villages we were working in. They were all with women. They were beneficiaries of our cash for work project. It was our first attempt at engaging the women to do the actual work. Given the context, it was quite challenging to involve the women themselves.

What happened in the past is that while we prioritise women-headed households since they are amongst the most vulnerable, they nominated a male member of the household to do the work for them. At the end of it though, the earned "wage" would go to the women. In those cases, the men, more often than not, get a portion of the pay. After all, it is them who do the work.

This time though, we started with engaging the women themselves. Consultations were conducted to help decide on the type of work that is not only suitable but acceptable to them.

I was more than excited to be facilitating the FGDs myself. I knew I would be learning a lot. There were some significant questions I've wanted to ask. I'm excited to learn about what the women thought of the entire experience. I wanted to find out how the engagement "impacted" their lives, if in fact it did.

I remember how I felt then, driving back to the office. I was of course grateful for the experience. I felt thankful to be in the position I am now. Everything was a blur after that. With so much deliverables competing with my time, the conversations I had with the women was soon forgotten. Until today.

I had to finish my report of the FGDs so I dug out my notes. I was intent about capturing significant quotes from the women and so I lost myself in my notes. Then I came to the question, "Is there anything you did not like about the intervention?" Most, if not all, of the women were saying there was nothing they did not like about it. Then one woman said, "You saved me." 

There it was on my notes. Staring at the sentence, I felt my world stop. My heart skipped a beat.

I've never had grand illusions about my job. I always felt grateful to be making a contribution in my own little way. At the same time I know how little it is, hardly making a dent where ensuring sustainable gains is concerned. But that statement brings home to me the fact that a little gesture makes a whole lot of difference in another person's life. And it's such a humbling thought. 

IQ Chronicles: Staying

Today's Gem:  Sitting there listening to the head of the Water Authority share with us how he lost his father, a just and principled man, during the country's darkest years.  He related how the entire family had to leave in the stealth of the night, leaving their home and most of their valuables to escape the same fate happening to them.  They went to the nearby town where they own lands as well and where they have relatives only to be turned away.  He ended his story by turning to one of our guests and saying, "Pardon me for saying this but if any of you Europeans would get to experience even 1/5th of what we've went through as a nation, I don't think you would ever survive."  It was a humbling thought and I felt grateful to have met someone who also, in all, humility simply replied, "Of course.  And rightly so."

This country have gone through so much.  Even our own local colleagues tell us of their own experiences as children IDPs, moving from one place to the next.  They shared growing up being cursed and mocked for being Kurdish.  They've lost fathers, uncles, who were brave enough to fight back.  Some of them have seen grandfathers being beaten simply because they have son/s who are members of the resistance group.

At one point in today's conversation, our visitor asked him, how despite everything that he'd been through he had chosen to stay.  The others have gone to other places, mostly to Europe, to carve out a new destiny for themselves.  What made him chose to stay and serve his country instead? His response, "I have my own life here.  It is difficult to just pack up, turn your back on everything and leave." He then added that what kind of life would he have had he left?

It was later relayed to me how everyone regard him as a kind person, treating everyone equally no matter what they are or what "tribe" they belong to.  It made me realize, goodness can never be faked.  One can only go on pretending for some time. After a while, one's true nature would always come out.  But yes, there is still so much goodness in this world despite the atrocities that is happening everywhere. They are like this little light in a sea of darkness, constant and unwavering, sending out the message of hope.  Oh and yes, of course, of love...