Love on the Long Haul

I'm borrowing the above title to today's edition of the Daily Devotional, which is an off-shoot from the famous book, "Purpose Driven Life." Today's devotional talked about marriage and comparing that of Jesus' marriage to us -- the Church -- his bride. It pointed out that with us as His bride, Jesus somewhat got shortchanged for all our flaws and imperfections, not to mention our tendency to be unfaithful to Him through our actions... It also pointed out how today's marriages seem to disolve at the least possible excuse. A little problem encountered and the couple call it quits. That easily. The devotional went on to say that even the best of relationships go through some difficulties and trials...

I am remembering all of these since just a little while ago, taking a little breather from work, some officemates and I got to talk about marriage. Well, lately, I had often gotten teased and is often the butt of joke being the "newly wed" in the office. It is a usual scene to have an officemate or two "scaring" me by telling me some "horror stories" about being married. This afternoon was no different. We got to talk about jealousy and infidelity. It was actually just all fun. We were teasing an officemate who had quite a jealous wife. And as expected, the conversation turned to me. I was asked if I am the jealous type and whether I have reached a point where I quarelled with B or another woman out of jealousy... Everything was just light-hearted conversation, nothing malicious or anything. But it sure had me thinking when someone said that B and I would certainly be undergoing such trials. I immediately rebuked the person but it sure had me thinking.

Every night, when I pray, I always include a little prayer that He protect B and I from any form of temptation... I am observant enough to know that temptations indeed abound and that many marriages have been shaken and broken because of it. It would be hypocritical of me if I'd say I did not have any such fears... I do have them. But deep down, really, I don't entertain such thoughts. Oh, I do have some qualms everytime B is out travelling somewhere. Aside from fearing for his safety, I also fear whether he would figure out in some "fidelity tests" while away from me. And yet, seeing how we are to each other, somewhat erases such doubts. I don't know what awaits us in the future. All I know is that at this moment in time, I could honestly say that we have such high regards and love for each other. I don't see also any point in living constantly in fear of something that is yet unknown and have no certainty of ever happening...

Getting married is indeed different. And it is not helping when you get other people telling you what to expect out of it or what horrors to expect you have to face in some distant future... As for B and I, we're taking it a day at a time. For the moment, we're still treating each other as friends, as buddies, like we used to. Oh there are adjustments alright but there are good moments too. Like how nice it is to finally be waking up next to each other. Or of having to watch the other sleep, not quite believing we're finally sleeping next to each other... It brings forth a feeling of contentment...

Contentment. I often got a glimpse -- from observing my married friends -- into the truth behind why marriage is being coined "paglalagay sa tahimik." Living it firsthand now, I am beginning to understand it more fully. Horror stories notwithstanding, getting married has more than its share of merits. Quiet conversations, moments of self-discovery and affirmation... It is love on the long haul alright... It is taking your love for each other on a much deeper level. Everyday, these days, I get to learn more of me in the area of loving, giving, making adjustments and some sacrifices... I'm learning about how deeply still I could feel and give for the persons that I love...

Letter to my Little B

Busy. Nanay is busy and with many concerns yet. And I mourn the fact that you have to come at a time like this. How I wish I could just sit still and revel in this experience, Anak. For it truly is a wonder, your being there, of my body nourishing another being which is you. It seems hard to grasp that all of a sudden, there you are, growing steadily in my womb. And I want to give you my utmost attention, to communicate with you, to tell you that I “feel” you and that I am grateful for your coming into my life. But as it is, there are a lot of concerns that needed my attention at work, Anak. The projects I’m handling are having some difficulty taking off and it needed all of my attention… And there are other concerns too…

Ironically, I couldn’t do any traveling too, which could have greatly helped me address the problems at the project site. But I could not, since “our” doctor specifically forbid me to do any traveling – for your sake. It seems Anak, you’re such a delicate baby. And I stand to lose you if I do not take care of myself well.

Well, Anak, nanay is such a workaholic. Work is my life. It helps me define who I am. It is not helping that I find so much meaning in what I do. That is why I am so used to giving the most of me into this job that I have. When you came, a lot of things changed for me. First, my body changed. My energy level seems to have somewhat lessened. If in the past, I had so much enthusiasm to tackle my work, I became quite lethargic. As a result, Nanay is now faced with a lot of catching up to do. Ah, so much to do and so little time to do it with. And I’m torn between wanting to bury myself in work again and simply wallowing in the experience of having you.

 At the moment, I am asking myself if I could have both – dedicate myself to work and at the same time, enjoy my experience of you. Ah, I smile now at having to face this question even now. I know that the more it’ll be difficult when you would finally be born because by then, I could not just trust that my body will take care of all that you need, as long as I just eat and sleep on time, take my vitamins and follow our doctor’s advice. As it is, I haven’t been eating and sleeping well. Nanay seems to have difficulty adjusting to the changes in my body. When you would finally be born, your needs would be immediate and you would entirely be dependent on me. I know that the dilemma I’m facing now would be doubled by then…

Little b – your Tatay and I call each other B and we both regard you as our little b :)– having you had set a lot of things in motion in Nanay’s life. All of a sudden, Nanay had to do some adjustments and some changes. There were a lot of decisions to be made. And I’m having difficulty learning to strike a balance between all the things that I used to value in the past and you. I pray that you won’t take it that Nanay is sorry that you came. Far from it. The only thing I’m sorry about is that I could not devote all of my time with you. Having you is an experience I would have wanted to revel in with such passion. Nanay have several passions in life, Anak – work, the mountains, nature, writing… life in itself is Nanay’s passion. That is why I find it ironic that here you are, an experience that is more than life itself and yet, I could not enjoy it fully because of the other concerns I have…

Having you, partly scares Nanay, Anak. Since I wanted so much to make everything right for you. If it is inherent in Nanay, to give her best at what I do, the more I feel that I ought to be the best for you. But Nanay is also not perfect, Anak. I know that time and again I would be committing some mistakes, err in some of the judgments I may be making. At the moment, Nanay is still learning a lot of things about myself. I am still very much in the process of my own becoming.

 Everyday, Anak, Nanay is learning to find herself, learning to strike her balance as she learns to tread the path towards her own perfection. And here you are, another being I would have to be responsible for also. Please be understanding, should Nanay be less than what you expect her to be. I don’t know what made you chose me and your Tatay to be your parents. I don’t know what strengths and weaknesses you have seen in us that you believe would be instrumental to your own becoming.

Nanay and Tatay, each of us, have some sets of learning in life, Anak. We hope to impart them with you in the future. But please understand that we are individuals too, each of us have our set of issues to deal with. Our past might greatly affect how we will be bringing you up, Anak. So please be extra understanding. One thing is clear though. Nanay and Tatay love each other well. Out of that love, we had made a choice to experience life together. Then you came amidst all that. We look forward to sharing that life with you. In Nanay’s case, I look forward to discovering myself amidst this new experience.

 I love you, Anak, more than I could fully comprehend. While I could not promise to make all things right for you, please bear in mind that all the decisions I would be making, would always be in consideration of you, and out of the love that we have for you. I pray that you, Tatay and I may have a wonderful life together. May we always be devoted to helping each other achieve each of our own good…