Dios Mabalos

I sat at the back of the session hall. There was a lull in the sessions as the participants were having a workshop. Professor went up to me and sat beside me. Then he said, “Rodilyn-san, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for everything you’ve done for the project. I’ve been told everything sped up when you took charge of it. Thank you very much.”

I was speechless. I muttered an incoherent response, making light of my involvement for the project. I was never good at handling compliments. It always embarrasses me. I’ve read somewhere that such an attitude is not healthy as it implies having a low self-esteem. It said that being able to accept compliments well is an indication of self-confidence. So where does that leave me huh? :(

Anyway, back to that encounter, it came at the most opportune time. I came to the Legazpi training with a heavy heart. I wallowed in uncertainty. I was at a point wherein I was beginning to question my own abilities. For several months at that time I was made to feel inept. As if I do not know what I’m doing. I’m not sure what is it about myself that made them assume as such. Is it because I don’t have such a strong personality? Well, on the outside that is. But how many times have I proven that looks could be deceiving? I’ve accomplished feats no “weakling” could have done… Is it because I choose to remain quiet and do my own thing than be bubbly and  opinionated on things I feel I have no right to.  Nor, do I want to waste my time to give my opinion on (especially when it is about other people's lives). Is that it?

In short, I was at that time really running on empty. Fresh from the miscarriage, I am feeling a bit low, experiencing some mild post-partum blues. Well, who wouldn’t? Given all that I’ve been through and the lack of support I got from the persons whom I thought would understand most… But ah, I did not want to write about that. It wasn’t my intention at all to write about my angst. After all, truthfully, I’m way past feeling all that already.

I wanted to write about this phrase I learned in Legazpi that I fell in love with. “Dios Mabalos” is how they say, “Thank you” in Legazpi. Its literal meaning is, “God will repay…” It is meant as a good wish or a blessing bestowed on a person in exchange for a good deed received or for a certain kindness shown.

I think it’s a nice way of saying, “thank you” or of showing gratitude. It meant the act of kindness received was truly appreciated in that no amount of gratitude is enough and so the wish that God will repay the person for his/her kindness…

July is a special month for me since not only do I celebrate my birthday on this month but because our anniversary fall on this month as well. In other words, there are a lot to thank God for during this month.

Bolo and I went to hear Mass on my birthday. As I knelt down to pray, the above phrase came to mind and I thought, how could I say “thank you” to a God who is the source of all blessings? I thought, how could I say, “Dios Mabalos” to Him when He could hardly “repay” Himself for His own kindness...

Then it just came to me, it is “I” who would do the “repaying.” How I live my life -- to live it in such a way that would be pleasing to His eyes, -- would be my “repayment” for all the blessings He have gifted me with. I grow sober at the thought. After all, I am certain that not everything I’ve done is pleasing to His eyes.

For everything I’ve been through the past months, I’m not sure if the manner with which I chose to “react” to those situations would be something that would be pleasing to Him. For sure the attitude, the stance and the state of being I chose to face all those problems are far from being “exemplary.” I was bitter, remorseful, woeful… The result? I was unhappy like h***. So where is the “state of grace” in all of that?

One thing I’m realizing now is that how others made me feel at that point was my own choice and my own doing. They were just being themselves. Whether there was something wrong with how they were or how they conduct being themselves is something that is beyond me really. How I choose to react however, that, certainly is my sole responsibility… And looking back I know I failed dismally to be the best that I can be in handling the situation.

On the other hand, I also realize now that I too have to be kind to myself. Assessing the situation objectively, I think I have the right to feel the way I did then. I was made to feel insignificant. While I chose to feel that way, I did not choose it out of my own whim…

But enough of that. I declare right at this moment that I will not allow myself to wallow in the negativity of the entire situation. Instead, I choose to rise above all of it. I choose to remind myself that I’ve been through several hurts and I’ve survived past it all… I want to remind myself how I could not afford to let the situation be a burden I’ll be carrying for the rest of my life. Life is short. So short and I choose to live it the best way I can. I choose to live it being happy and feeling grateful than to allow myself to linger on every pain and problem that may come my way.  That would not accomplish anything.  It would only make me feel miserable. I certainly would want to choose to be constantly in the state of grace (If I could help it) than to feel constantly bitter or remorseful if others would do me wrong…

Dios Mabalos. God has been so faithful, so kind in my life. I ought to repay him back in full…