Recharging Batteries

I was feeling low, having those thoughts when Tatay came on Skype to ask me why I'm not sleeping yet.  I told him what my thoughts are and he immediately called me.  Over chat he had already told me that these things are beyond my control and even made reference to the universe.

Seeing me crying, he urged me to just come home saying I'm stressed in more ways than one being where I am. He then tried to soothe me with small words of comfort, urging me to go to take my much needed sleep.  And I feel grateful.  Tatay knows me well.  He knows me well enough to not dismiss all that I'm feeling as drama... Or even just to wonder why I should feel that way.  And there's affirmation in that, in being understood, on knowing where I'm coming from.

I remember having this conversation with Jenny before, as to how I don't really need a partner who would give me the sun and the moon... someone who would be able to provide me with all the material comfort I need. These things are not that important to me because I know I am more than capable of providing myself those things.  And besides, my needs and wants are simple. I remember telling her, I need someone who would be there for me.  Someone who would hold my hand and listen to me.  I remember saying something like, "someone I can curl up next to, to give me the much-needed hugs, replenishing all the energy that I have lost from pursuing my many causes... I need someone who can 'recharge' me.  So I can go up and leave again and fight my battles anew."

In more ways than one, that's what Tatay is to me.  Though he can also be my source of stress (indeed!), I do know that he is my quiet anchor, next to God and family.  Simply, by "getting" me, "knowing" me in ways that no one would.  I love you, Tay.  Thanks  for being that steady (sometimes erratic pag saputon), source of affirmation.

On the Edges of Infinity

When I think of tenderness,

I think of you

I doubt not the love that you feel for me

Even if when I thought about pain,

It’s you who comes to mind as well.

When I thought about connection,

I think about what we have

That instant undeniable recognition

Intensity from day one,

Got nurtured in time.

I met you when I was doing something I love

Surrounded by everything that helps complete me

We were in the midst of the woods

Stood in awe of a great waterfall

Running through trails

From then on

We found ourselves constantly

In nature’s midst

Often  on top of a mountain

Amidst raging surf, braving the sea

You were my adventure buddy

Still is

Always will be

So many places to see

And explore still

With you

I feared nothing

Despite my physical fragility

You and my strong resolve

Compensate for what I lack

So while I maybe away

Often alone

Sometimes in need of affirmation

I think of you and what we have

It’s enough to get me through the day

You brought me laughter

Even the greatest pain

I am well awake though to know

That we’ve decided on this

On the edges of infinity

To help each other along

Confront our lack

Come full circle…

I love you, B.

On The Right Track

For the past two days now, Tatay has been sending sweet nothings thru SMS.  It's a far cry from the usual jealous outbursts of the past few months.  And those were really trying months for me.  It was difficult juggling work and at the same time, on the side I have to tend with a "wrathful" hubby breathing down my neck and being emotionally challenging.  But yeah these two days had been bliss.

Yesterday, he started by asking me how I was and then proceeded to tell me how his day was. He was supervising some work on a project he was sub-contracted for.  He was actually just beating up his chest, playing proud and all and wanting praise from me.  It was adorable and quite like the Bee I fell in love with 14 years ago.  Of course I told him how proud I was of him and how happy I was to see him so happy.

We talked about a lot of things just like the old times.  He asked me if we could sponsor some school supplies for a community in Sarangani.  I told him to involve the children.  He said they could not go to the actual distribution as it is quite far and he had another outdoor activity to attend to.  We settled with having the children buy the school supplies.  That way, they would also be aware that the family does such things.  And while we were having this conversation, I felt grateful once again that for all our differences, we have shared vision where rearing up the children this way is concerned.  It is very important to me that the children would grow up always coming from the perspective of love and always looking for ways of being able to contribute.  And I am happy that Tatay share that as well.

Yesterday, he ended our conversation (littered with iloveyou's) by thanking me for everything I've done for him and the family. I reminded him I would not be able to do everything without him and Mama's support.  I thanked him as well.

The past two years had been the most challenging for us. I've gone through hell.  There were times I've been very ready to just give up and walk away.  But always, I know deep down the commitment is real and that the love is genuine.  I may have questioned that at certain points in the past two years given what happened but I do know this one's for real.  I must admit that fear of trusting and being hurt all over again is something I still feel.  But I do know deep down, we're both in here for the long haul.  One do not just walk away from a sacred contract.  When there's a breach, you don't just burn the contract and walk away.  You give it another try and hope against hope that you've made the right decision to trust again...