“If you have to convince him that you are absolutely right for him, then you’d better start walking away.”
I came across this article of the same title while I was still in the hospital two weeks ago. It wasn’t really of interest to me but as it was the only reading material available at the time, I did not have much choice. The article was well-written however that I immediately found myself enjoying reading it.
The article was typical – it sought to answer what must be one of the most important questions that single women have on their minds – “How do you know if you’ve found Mr. Right?” There were five “signs” indicated there but I found sign no. 1 as the most “significant.” Certainly, it struck me the most and I couldn’t recall having read about it before.
“You would know if it is Mr. Right if he totally believes you to be his Ms. Right.” That was sign no. 1 or words to that effect. But that’s not what really struck me. It was the sentence that came after it that did. It said something like, “If you have to convince him that you are absolutely right for him, then you’d better start walking away.” When I read that sentence it felt pretty much like a “light-bulb” moment. It made so much sense.
Typical scenes like women totally frustrated over the men in their lives immediately came to mind. I recall a particular infatuation in my not-so-immediate past wherein I was totally convinced that he is the right one for me – having the same interests, both being opinionated and not afraid to express what we feel about things, and totally passionate about the things we get ourselves into like music, nature, physical pursuits and relationships. We were also both emotional and it’s apparent in the letters and e-mails we exchange with each other. Not to mention the long hours spent chatting and making long distance calls.
But I was much too young then, and very much infatuated that I did not know how to handle the “relationship” well. Until, I found him just slowly drifting away. The e-mails came less frequently, the calls too, until everything just stopped. It took me a while to fully comprehend everything. I could not understand how come everything would come to a halt when he seemed so right for me.
In my mind, everything was so magical – we would exchange emails of pictures we took from our latest climb or nature adventure; I would send him letters bearing the answers to the questions he had laid in his letter that has yet to find its way to me and vice-versa; He would share with me his enthusiasm for a movie he just watched and I would be giving him a complete run-down of the book series I’m currently hooked into, making him love the characters as much as I do. In other words, it seemed to me that we have the perfect formula for the right kind of love – the fairy-tale kind that one usually gets to read in books and see in the movies. At that time I was completely convinced that he was Mr. Right. Apparently, he does not quite think the same way I do.
And it took a while before that particular “detail” totally sunk in. Being convinced that he was the right one for me, I immediately assumed that he thinks the same way too. His moving on to another relationship, however, told me that wasn’t quite the case.
Fast forward that to two years down the line and here comes this person so totally different from me – we don’t like the same music; He doesn’t read books and is not articulate; We both love nature but for him it’s the adrenaline rush while for me it was for the clarity of thought and introspection that afforded me; I shy away from the crowd while he totally basks in the attention. In other words, we’re as different from night and day.
And yet, from day 1 there he is, totally convinced that I’m the right one for him and did not waste time in letting me know exactly how he thinks so. He bombarded me with calls (drop calls to be exact which was quite the thing before for those who are afraid of wasting their cell phone loads away hehehe He is that “kuripot”) – and would suddenly show up un-announced in my doorstep. Every chance he get, he certainly made his presence felt.
I remember how friends would call me just to inform me that they found him braving the heat of the sun, riding his mountain bike just to bring me viand for lunch. True enough, as soon as I put down my fone, there he is handing me the all-vegetable dish he cooked for me. I was purely vegetarian at that time and he would bring me food knowing it would be difficult for me to source out purely vegetarian dishes near the office. Over the years he would be like that. Colleagues would remark about a blouse I’m wearing and how the design is so “me” only to be surprised when I tell them it was Tatay who bought it for me as a gift. In other words, Tatay knows me, and put a lot of thought into what I would like and what would make me happy.
Oh we fight a lot and there are days when I would wail about how insensitive he could get. In fact, in the earlier part of our marriage our “battles” would be phenomenal. It’s understandable given how different we could be. It took a while before we were able to “fine-tune” everything. Now, we still fight but not nearly as explosive as before. We have come to know each other deeply and know what would rub the other raw and thus avoiding them altogether, or at least try to avoid them, most days hehehe.
When I had my recent CS operation, I woke up to find him at my bedside totally concerned and relieved at the same time. He told me how scared he was – seeing me literally writhe in pain, knowing full well I have such a high threshold for pain.
In the following days after that, I saw him being mindful of everything, answering my needs; seeing to the papers and documents needed; sourcing out blood and medicines for Baby Forest; arranging things for our eldest Rod’s orientation week at school; going to the bank and even seeing that our utility bills and housing bills get settled on time. It was no wonder he would collapse right next to me in my hospital bed at the end of the day totally exhausted. And yet, that would not stop him from rising again the next day and doing the same routine all over again. When I had to come home and Baby Forest was left at the hospital, it was him mostly taking care of our needs – seeing that I eat on time, and bring my expressed milk to the hospital twice a day until I was well enough to go there with him and feed Forest myself.
Even now, our days and nights could be long with Forest’s needs to see to. There’s Rod to be taken to school early in the morning also. Last week, I had an engagement for three days straight and he made sure everything is smooth and easy for me. It is him who also tended to Baby Forest at night, waking me up only when it is time for me to feed her.
The other night I woke up to find him snoring silently beside me and my heart reached out to him knowing how exhausted he must be. I appreciated him more for not hearing him complain one bit about it. I looked at him and felt grateful for all the things that he had come to represent in my life. And I said to myself, he is indeed my Mr. Right, not so much for all the things that he is doing for me and our family but simply for “knowing” me.
From the day we met, he already had an inkling as to what I would mean to him. Over the years, he had come to know me better and even valued me more and did not rest until I know exactly how he feels about me. Over the years he had shown me how he knows full well what I need, want and feel without my having to express them. This is telling me that while he might not say it, I know that he thinks about me and the kids a lot. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to anticipate our needs and wants…
As I stared at his sleeping form, filled with so much gratitude, he stirred beside me and opened an eye. Seeing me fully awake he looked at me imploringly, expressing in words what I was silently telling him – “I love you, Nay.” He reached out to touch my cheek and said, “Love kaayo ta ka…” and then went back to sleep.
I love you very much too, Tatay. Thank you so much for everything. In a few days we will be celebrating our 5th Anniversary. I look forward to spending many more years with you, with us both helping each unfold our own, individual truths, and become even better persons…
Post-comment:
Here’s an addendum to the five signs indicated in the article, my own personal opinion:
You’d know that he’s the one if both of you are growing in the relationship, becoming better persons, giving each other wings and not dragging each other down. If you’ve become petty and less loving (not just to the significant other but to the persons around you), then you’d better start thinking things through…
This had been my personal “yardstick” over the years. When I feel that the other person is starting to drag me down, I let go of the relationship no matter how painful it may prove to be. True, it may take me awhile before I’d be able to bounce back from the loss and the pain -- Jeni, my ever constant BFF have been a witness to this hehehe -- but the unfolding of my own truth is important to me as well. I know the relationship is not good when being in it is starting to feel like being tethered. While my "enduring" attitude would want me to stay for a while, in the long run, I'd know deep down when is the right time to just walk away...
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Being Schooled on Men's Perspective About Marriage
Reposted from Facebook notes
My day started quite right today. The highlight of which was to see my son’s expectant, beaming face looking straight at me when I looked out the window of the taxi to take another look at them. I had to cross the street to catch a taxi ride to the hotel. They had to go the other way since Tatay and Baby had to take my niece, Janin to school.
I wasn’t really expecting to see them still looking at me. I was surprised to find out that they were. The instant I turned to them, both kids’ faces lit up and they waved enthusiastically at me. It made me feel cherished and I realized once again that at this point in my son’s life, I mean the world to him. It affirmed as well that my niece needs me too. Next to Mama, I am her mother now.
Fast forward a few moments after that and I am in the van already, along with an all-male, senior engineer participants for another interesting infra-related training. Every engagement I have is always a learning experience for me but I didn’t know that that morning, I’ll be schooled on husband-and-wife relationship as well.
It proved to be quite refreshing since I’m hearing it from the males’ punto-da-vista. I was interested in what they have to say so I did not volunteer any of my views. I just sat there, smiled and laughed silently when the exchange would become very funny. Every now and then they asked me out of courtesy, “Totoo ba yung sinasabi namin, Ta?” But I would just say, “no comment.” It was obviously a “for-the-boys” conversation and I knew they did not really expect me to share my own views. Besides, that would have just ruined the whole thing anyway.
On the wife respecting the husband. This had always been a touchy topic as far as the women are concerned. I knew my girlfriends and I have had a lot of discussion on the subject and it’s always on where one should draw the line between respect of oneself and that for one’s husband. It’s quite refreshing to hear about it from the husbands’ perspective.
They were sharing concrete situations with one another. One shared how an officemate’s wife would make a scene every time she would come across their group of friends and find another woman in their midst. It wouldn’t matter if the woman is someone else’s girlfriend as long as her husband is with the group, she would readily assume her to be his. Everyone was in agreement that that was a foul thing to do and that the wife is showing disrespect to her husband by creating a scene in front of his officemates.
The one who related it – a senior officer and someone whose presence commands respect – shared how he talked to the wife and pointed out that she had to show she respects her husband by not putting him in such a situation. He told her how it doesn’t matter what she’ll do to her husband when they are already on their own and in the confines of their own home but that she should accord him respect by not making a scene when they are in public. He also shared how he pointed out that her husband is not exactly good looking to be able to warrant attention from other women. That made me laugh, not so much because I imagine him to be “ugly” but because that is the same line Tatay would give me every time I would voice out my doubts on what he’s doing when he’s out with his friends or when they have an outdoor activity. On those occasions, he had to do some sleep-over’s or wouldn’t be home till wee hours in the morning. He would always tell me that everybody knows he’s married and that he’s not exactly Aga Mulach in order to attract other girls.
Anyway, the conversation when on and there were other situations shared on the matter. Everything all boil down to one thing – the husbands actually values what the wife say, they are in fact, in a way, “afraid” to warrant her “wrath” but for sure, they would certainly appreciate if wives accord them with respect. They dislike being ridiculed in public, particularly in front of their friends or officemates. In my opinion, I think this isn’t too much to ask of the wives. Every human being, after all, ought to be accorded with respect.
On relationship with the in-laws. This, I certainly appreciated since I definitely learned something new from it. One of the participants shared how he and his wife have this “technique” that they apply to ensure that both of them have a smooth relationship with their in-laws. He pointed out that his wife is not a Muslim but hails from Dipolog. (This is worth noting considering that all of the participants were Muslim and majority of them have Muslim wives as well.) Definitely, the difference in culture comes into play and I was glad to note that in their case, it served to enrich the marriage more than being a source of conflict.
It was related how it had become their practice that when the husband’s relative come asking for some financial help, it would be the wife who would give the money and vice-versa, even if the money really comes from both of them. Also, when the wife’s nieces and nephews would come to visit, it is the husband who would give them their fare back home, etc. He said I think it’s a good idea in that comments such as, “Makunat yang asawa mo” even when said in jest, would be avoided.
On Financial Matters. One shared how an office mate have no idea how much his salary really is since it is the wife who comes to the office to get it every month. So whenever it would occur to them to eat out or drink, that officemate would always beg off since he had nothing to chip in. And so they advised him not to divulge some cash he would be receiving like “token” from office transactions or from some other source. They would tell him to leave the money in his drawer in the office so that the wife will not know about it.
I thought then how sad that is, having to resort to that, not being totally open to one’s wife. I think, both of you doesn’t necessarily have to agree on everything but it would definitely be sad if you have to keep things from each other. It speaks a lot about the kind of relationship you have and the trust you have for each other.
The men went on to expound on the importance of having money of their own. They said that this is felt when their siblings or relatives come to them asking for financial help. They relate how difficult it is for them to ask their wives for some money knowing full well that the one they gave their wives are already budgeted for the needs of the family. This sure made me think. I think they definitely have a point in that.
On vices. The conversation then turned to vices. One related how he would come home bringing ice cream, cake and chicken even if he just lost in a betting game of “sabong” (cockfight). He said this way, his wife would not complain about him losing thousands in gambling. He pointed out that for the wife, losing a thousand in gambling is a big issue already, and would immediately say the money would have been better spent in buying rice or food for the house. I smiled at this since it’s indeed a very common “wifey-reaction.”
Another one volunteered how he and his wife never had a quarrel when it comes to sabong. He said he makes sure of this by separating a separate “account” for his gambling activities. He said it is also one way of managing the vice since there is always the tendency to even bet one’s “kaldero” when worse comes to worse. He said he hands his “sabong” earnings to his wife also, separate from his salary which is intended for the household budget. He explained how he asks his wife money for gambling from his “sabong” account. This is where he also gets funds for the fighting cocks he maintains. I thought how wise this kind of set-up is and I admired the person for having thought of it.
One of the guys said the common reason why the wife complains about vices is when they hear the husbands losing thousands and then note how they would refuse the kids who would ask them for a few hundreds to buy projects for school. All of them agreed that this should not be the case. I raised an eyebrow when one pointed out how some of them would readily hand a “ka-table” 500 pesos for just a few moments of… err… “skin-touching.” However, they soon regain my respect when they said this shouldn’t be the case and that they should be more generous to their children.
The conversation ended with that as we have reached the training venue already. I was grateful for everything that had transpired. I was glad to have learned about the men’s perspective on what was discussed. It was… good to be in a company of mature men who have had enough experience in marriage to be able to give all those insights. It made me realize that the women do not have the monopoly of “great” ideas where relationships are concerned hehehe. Because, I must admit, before that incident I was putting much value on the women’s role as “ilaw ng tahanan” thinking that we are more insightful and sensitive about things than men are. The experience taught me that indeed, man or woman, each of us have a contribution to make where making a marriage work is concerned… We should take advantage of both our strengths…
My day started quite right today. The highlight of which was to see my son’s expectant, beaming face looking straight at me when I looked out the window of the taxi to take another look at them. I had to cross the street to catch a taxi ride to the hotel. They had to go the other way since Tatay and Baby had to take my niece, Janin to school.
I wasn’t really expecting to see them still looking at me. I was surprised to find out that they were. The instant I turned to them, both kids’ faces lit up and they waved enthusiastically at me. It made me feel cherished and I realized once again that at this point in my son’s life, I mean the world to him. It affirmed as well that my niece needs me too. Next to Mama, I am her mother now.
Fast forward a few moments after that and I am in the van already, along with an all-male, senior engineer participants for another interesting infra-related training. Every engagement I have is always a learning experience for me but I didn’t know that that morning, I’ll be schooled on husband-and-wife relationship as well.
It proved to be quite refreshing since I’m hearing it from the males’ punto-da-vista. I was interested in what they have to say so I did not volunteer any of my views. I just sat there, smiled and laughed silently when the exchange would become very funny. Every now and then they asked me out of courtesy, “Totoo ba yung sinasabi namin, Ta?” But I would just say, “no comment.” It was obviously a “for-the-boys” conversation and I knew they did not really expect me to share my own views. Besides, that would have just ruined the whole thing anyway.
On the wife respecting the husband. This had always been a touchy topic as far as the women are concerned. I knew my girlfriends and I have had a lot of discussion on the subject and it’s always on where one should draw the line between respect of oneself and that for one’s husband. It’s quite refreshing to hear about it from the husbands’ perspective.
They were sharing concrete situations with one another. One shared how an officemate’s wife would make a scene every time she would come across their group of friends and find another woman in their midst. It wouldn’t matter if the woman is someone else’s girlfriend as long as her husband is with the group, she would readily assume her to be his. Everyone was in agreement that that was a foul thing to do and that the wife is showing disrespect to her husband by creating a scene in front of his officemates.
The one who related it – a senior officer and someone whose presence commands respect – shared how he talked to the wife and pointed out that she had to show she respects her husband by not putting him in such a situation. He told her how it doesn’t matter what she’ll do to her husband when they are already on their own and in the confines of their own home but that she should accord him respect by not making a scene when they are in public. He also shared how he pointed out that her husband is not exactly good looking to be able to warrant attention from other women. That made me laugh, not so much because I imagine him to be “ugly” but because that is the same line Tatay would give me every time I would voice out my doubts on what he’s doing when he’s out with his friends or when they have an outdoor activity. On those occasions, he had to do some sleep-over’s or wouldn’t be home till wee hours in the morning. He would always tell me that everybody knows he’s married and that he’s not exactly Aga Mulach in order to attract other girls.
Anyway, the conversation when on and there were other situations shared on the matter. Everything all boil down to one thing – the husbands actually values what the wife say, they are in fact, in a way, “afraid” to warrant her “wrath” but for sure, they would certainly appreciate if wives accord them with respect. They dislike being ridiculed in public, particularly in front of their friends or officemates. In my opinion, I think this isn’t too much to ask of the wives. Every human being, after all, ought to be accorded with respect.
On relationship with the in-laws. This, I certainly appreciated since I definitely learned something new from it. One of the participants shared how he and his wife have this “technique” that they apply to ensure that both of them have a smooth relationship with their in-laws. He pointed out that his wife is not a Muslim but hails from Dipolog. (This is worth noting considering that all of the participants were Muslim and majority of them have Muslim wives as well.) Definitely, the difference in culture comes into play and I was glad to note that in their case, it served to enrich the marriage more than being a source of conflict.
It was related how it had become their practice that when the husband’s relative come asking for some financial help, it would be the wife who would give the money and vice-versa, even if the money really comes from both of them. Also, when the wife’s nieces and nephews would come to visit, it is the husband who would give them their fare back home, etc. He said I think it’s a good idea in that comments such as, “Makunat yang asawa mo” even when said in jest, would be avoided.
On Financial Matters. One shared how an office mate have no idea how much his salary really is since it is the wife who comes to the office to get it every month. So whenever it would occur to them to eat out or drink, that officemate would always beg off since he had nothing to chip in. And so they advised him not to divulge some cash he would be receiving like “token” from office transactions or from some other source. They would tell him to leave the money in his drawer in the office so that the wife will not know about it.
I thought then how sad that is, having to resort to that, not being totally open to one’s wife. I think, both of you doesn’t necessarily have to agree on everything but it would definitely be sad if you have to keep things from each other. It speaks a lot about the kind of relationship you have and the trust you have for each other.
The men went on to expound on the importance of having money of their own. They said that this is felt when their siblings or relatives come to them asking for financial help. They relate how difficult it is for them to ask their wives for some money knowing full well that the one they gave their wives are already budgeted for the needs of the family. This sure made me think. I think they definitely have a point in that.
On vices. The conversation then turned to vices. One related how he would come home bringing ice cream, cake and chicken even if he just lost in a betting game of “sabong” (cockfight). He said this way, his wife would not complain about him losing thousands in gambling. He pointed out that for the wife, losing a thousand in gambling is a big issue already, and would immediately say the money would have been better spent in buying rice or food for the house. I smiled at this since it’s indeed a very common “wifey-reaction.”
Another one volunteered how he and his wife never had a quarrel when it comes to sabong. He said he makes sure of this by separating a separate “account” for his gambling activities. He said it is also one way of managing the vice since there is always the tendency to even bet one’s “kaldero” when worse comes to worse. He said he hands his “sabong” earnings to his wife also, separate from his salary which is intended for the household budget. He explained how he asks his wife money for gambling from his “sabong” account. This is where he also gets funds for the fighting cocks he maintains. I thought how wise this kind of set-up is and I admired the person for having thought of it.
One of the guys said the common reason why the wife complains about vices is when they hear the husbands losing thousands and then note how they would refuse the kids who would ask them for a few hundreds to buy projects for school. All of them agreed that this should not be the case. I raised an eyebrow when one pointed out how some of them would readily hand a “ka-table” 500 pesos for just a few moments of… err… “skin-touching.” However, they soon regain my respect when they said this shouldn’t be the case and that they should be more generous to their children.
The conversation ended with that as we have reached the training venue already. I was grateful for everything that had transpired. I was glad to have learned about the men’s perspective on what was discussed. It was… good to be in a company of mature men who have had enough experience in marriage to be able to give all those insights. It made me realize that the women do not have the monopoly of “great” ideas where relationships are concerned hehehe. Because, I must admit, before that incident I was putting much value on the women’s role as “ilaw ng tahanan” thinking that we are more insightful and sensitive about things than men are. The experience taught me that indeed, man or woman, each of us have a contribution to make where making a marriage work is concerned… We should take advantage of both our strengths…
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Deserving
“The officials don’t know how we are struggling to live in the communities. They sit comfortably in their air-conditioned rooms and all they care about is politicking and money.”
This, from the mouth of a civilian volunteer, working on the ground, actively monitoring the atrocities committed against civilians. He showed pictures and videos taken of very young children, women and men killed and being hit by bombs and stray bullets because they were suspected to be fleeing “renegades.”
The video was graphic. My heart got wrenched looking at tiny children lying on the ground, lifeless after the boat they were riding on was hit by a bomb. I identified with the grandmothers and mothers who were mourning their death. They were crying and wailing. I could only imagine the extent of the pain they are feeling. I am a mother and my heart would lurch in pain just to see my son hurt himself mistakenly in play. How much more for these mothers who have lost their sons in a senseless war?
The words of the civilian volunteer resonated within me. Having the work that I do, I’ve been exposed to a lot of things. (Not even half of all that he had seen) And indeed, there is a big difference between seeing what’s happening on the ground firsthand than just staying in an air-conditioned office and debating about these matters theoretically.
I felt the same frustration and resentment that the volunteer felt for “politicians” up there who think of nothing but enriching themselves and taking advantage of the power that they yield. They are so far removed from the realities on the ground that they could think of nobody but themselves and furthering their own self-interests.
The election is just around the corner and I’ve seen candidates debate on issues – mostly bordering on the personal and other trivialities. I cant help but be cynical noting how trivial their concerns are compared to those that the people at the grassroots had to live with everyday.
I sit here now and wonder -- how many of these candidates deserve the seat they are aiming for? How many of them have the heart, the wisdom and the sincerity to be able to give the position they will be occupying justice? How many of them are aware that when they “court” the people to vote for them, they are also playing with their emotions, stringing along the people’s aspirations and dreams?
True, the government could only do so much. All of us must work hand-in-hand in order to achieve, a just and humane society. And yet, individuals who have the nerve to declare themselves as candidates – who spend millions in campaign materials (when they would be put to better use addressing the needs of the 600 thousand IDPs in Central Mindanao) – also have the responsibility to do justice to the position they will be occupying.
Leading the people especially as fragmented, as multi-sectoral, multi-cultural, and as broken as the Philippines is such a grave responsibility. It's a wonder to me how a lot of them are risking their necks for the post.
I am praying that whoever wins is truly the most deserving and equipped. God help the Philippines, particularly Mindanao.
This, from the mouth of a civilian volunteer, working on the ground, actively monitoring the atrocities committed against civilians. He showed pictures and videos taken of very young children, women and men killed and being hit by bombs and stray bullets because they were suspected to be fleeing “renegades.”
The video was graphic. My heart got wrenched looking at tiny children lying on the ground, lifeless after the boat they were riding on was hit by a bomb. I identified with the grandmothers and mothers who were mourning their death. They were crying and wailing. I could only imagine the extent of the pain they are feeling. I am a mother and my heart would lurch in pain just to see my son hurt himself mistakenly in play. How much more for these mothers who have lost their sons in a senseless war?
The words of the civilian volunteer resonated within me. Having the work that I do, I’ve been exposed to a lot of things. (Not even half of all that he had seen) And indeed, there is a big difference between seeing what’s happening on the ground firsthand than just staying in an air-conditioned office and debating about these matters theoretically.
I felt the same frustration and resentment that the volunteer felt for “politicians” up there who think of nothing but enriching themselves and taking advantage of the power that they yield. They are so far removed from the realities on the ground that they could think of nobody but themselves and furthering their own self-interests.
The election is just around the corner and I’ve seen candidates debate on issues – mostly bordering on the personal and other trivialities. I cant help but be cynical noting how trivial their concerns are compared to those that the people at the grassroots had to live with everyday.
I sit here now and wonder -- how many of these candidates deserve the seat they are aiming for? How many of them have the heart, the wisdom and the sincerity to be able to give the position they will be occupying justice? How many of them are aware that when they “court” the people to vote for them, they are also playing with their emotions, stringing along the people’s aspirations and dreams?
True, the government could only do so much. All of us must work hand-in-hand in order to achieve, a just and humane society. And yet, individuals who have the nerve to declare themselves as candidates – who spend millions in campaign materials (when they would be put to better use addressing the needs of the 600 thousand IDPs in Central Mindanao) – also have the responsibility to do justice to the position they will be occupying.
Leading the people especially as fragmented, as multi-sectoral, multi-cultural, and as broken as the Philippines is such a grave responsibility. It's a wonder to me how a lot of them are risking their necks for the post.
I am praying that whoever wins is truly the most deserving and equipped. God help the Philippines, particularly Mindanao.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Baby Overspends
Today, all Level 1 “babies” went to SM as an extension of their lessons on fruits and vegetables. They were brought to the fruit and vegetable section of the grocery. The teachers walked them through the aisles, telling them the names of the fruits and vegetables displayed there.
Prior to the activity, a letter had been sent to the parents to inform us of it and to ask our consent for the activity and for allowing the kids to make a purchase. When it was settled that they would be making purchases as well, Tatay and I sat Baby down and tried to set some limits. The letter had said to put money in the pocket of the child and to be on the safe side, Tatay and I agreed that 100 would suffice. But, at the same time, we also agreed spending the whole of that wouldn’t be good either. We don’t want Baby to associate “buying” with spending everything that he has. We want him to experience paying and then getting some change back.
However, it wouldn’t be the first time for Baby to experience paying for purchases. I’ve allowed him to do that several times in the past. Those times when what we were paying for were items that he chose by himself – some biscuits, choco drink, milk, or carefully-chosen toys. In all those instances, he had gotten some change back and every time, he would give it back to us. (He isn’t this good at all times though since while he does return the change every time and readily gives me his baon every time I ask for a loose change for fare, he has this bad habit sometimes of picking up coins lying in the house without asking permission and take it as his own. Tatay and I are working on it.)
Anyway, I had a training and had to work so I was not able to go with him today :( Tatay was there though and I insisted about his bringing the camera. Last night, we sat with Baby and told him to limit his purchase to just two – one fruit and one vegetable. Since his favorite fruit is mango, we agreed that that is what he would buy. One mango. For the vegetable, his favorite is squash but thinking it might be too heavy for him to carry, I asked him to just buy ampalaya for Nanay to which, he agreed.
When I came home for lunch today, Tatay told me how the teacher had to call on him to augment Baby’s money since his purchase totaled more than a hundred. I was surprised to hear about it. Our conversation had been clear. I wondered what happened.
Tatay told me that instead of mango, Baby purchased a pack of fresh strawberries. We had feared this would happen and made it clear beforehand to Baby that he should purchase his favorite fruit, mango, regardless if his classmates would buy strawberries. And yet there he was. When I asked him about it, he immediately reasoned out, “Mango man sana yun Nanay pero nagliko naman kami (with matching hand gesture of “liko”), malayo na sa mango kaya strawberry na lang.” Tatay told me his classmates also bought strawberries so I figured they probably stopped there and so he opted to buy one also.
As for the vegetables, true enough, he bought ampalaya for me hehe Tatay told me he saw him picked the strawberry and thought that was the end of it. He was surprise to find out at the counter that he indeed bought ampalaya and a pack of large onions, the type we usually use for cooking pasta at home. When I asked him how he managed to carry all of it, he gestured, “Ganito, Nanay,” interlacing both of his arms, holding them close to his chest and crouching over them. It wasn’t hard to imagine how it must have been hehehe
Haay I was really sorry to have missed another milestone of Baby’s because of work but I’m glad Baby is so expressive, I have the pleasure of sharing good “after-the-event-conversations” with him each time this happens. Thank you, Father God that my little one enjoyed his trip to the grocery today, for how Baby is turning out to be, and for that little conversation he and I shared. Oh, and for Tatay who is always there to lend a hand :)
Prior to the activity, a letter had been sent to the parents to inform us of it and to ask our consent for the activity and for allowing the kids to make a purchase. When it was settled that they would be making purchases as well, Tatay and I sat Baby down and tried to set some limits. The letter had said to put money in the pocket of the child and to be on the safe side, Tatay and I agreed that 100 would suffice. But, at the same time, we also agreed spending the whole of that wouldn’t be good either. We don’t want Baby to associate “buying” with spending everything that he has. We want him to experience paying and then getting some change back.
However, it wouldn’t be the first time for Baby to experience paying for purchases. I’ve allowed him to do that several times in the past. Those times when what we were paying for were items that he chose by himself – some biscuits, choco drink, milk, or carefully-chosen toys. In all those instances, he had gotten some change back and every time, he would give it back to us. (He isn’t this good at all times though since while he does return the change every time and readily gives me his baon every time I ask for a loose change for fare, he has this bad habit sometimes of picking up coins lying in the house without asking permission and take it as his own. Tatay and I are working on it.)
Anyway, I had a training and had to work so I was not able to go with him today :( Tatay was there though and I insisted about his bringing the camera. Last night, we sat with Baby and told him to limit his purchase to just two – one fruit and one vegetable. Since his favorite fruit is mango, we agreed that that is what he would buy. One mango. For the vegetable, his favorite is squash but thinking it might be too heavy for him to carry, I asked him to just buy ampalaya for Nanay to which, he agreed.
When I came home for lunch today, Tatay told me how the teacher had to call on him to augment Baby’s money since his purchase totaled more than a hundred. I was surprised to hear about it. Our conversation had been clear. I wondered what happened.
Tatay told me that instead of mango, Baby purchased a pack of fresh strawberries. We had feared this would happen and made it clear beforehand to Baby that he should purchase his favorite fruit, mango, regardless if his classmates would buy strawberries. And yet there he was. When I asked him about it, he immediately reasoned out, “Mango man sana yun Nanay pero nagliko naman kami (with matching hand gesture of “liko”), malayo na sa mango kaya strawberry na lang.” Tatay told me his classmates also bought strawberries so I figured they probably stopped there and so he opted to buy one also.
As for the vegetables, true enough, he bought ampalaya for me hehe Tatay told me he saw him picked the strawberry and thought that was the end of it. He was surprise to find out at the counter that he indeed bought ampalaya and a pack of large onions, the type we usually use for cooking pasta at home. When I asked him how he managed to carry all of it, he gestured, “Ganito, Nanay,” interlacing both of his arms, holding them close to his chest and crouching over them. It wasn’t hard to imagine how it must have been hehehe
Haay I was really sorry to have missed another milestone of Baby’s because of work but I’m glad Baby is so expressive, I have the pleasure of sharing good “after-the-event-conversations” with him each time this happens. Thank you, Father God that my little one enjoyed his trip to the grocery today, for how Baby is turning out to be, and for that little conversation he and I shared. Oh, and for Tatay who is always there to lend a hand :)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
On Respect and Sensibilities (Being Culturally Sensitive)
Are Muslims considered IP’s?” The moment the resource person voiced that out in front of purely Muslim participants, an atmosphere of “discomfort” permeated the air. I felt uneasy and I’m sure some of the participants did also. To their credit, the participants took the question at face value. One of them explained that Muslims are more of a “cultural minority” than an IP.
That was not the first time in this training that I noted how a lot of us here in Davao could still learn where being “culturally-sensitive” is concerned. I want it clear that I am not passing on any judgment. I do not take it against the RP that she had to ask that question. To her, it was an innocent inquiry. It was pretty evident that she simply does not know and had to clarify that since it had something to do with her lecture. Based on how she proceeded with her lecture, it was obvious that her original thinking was that Muslims are really considered IPs.
In the same training, another RP had repeatedly coined a certain reference document as the agency’s “Bible.” And twice made the gesture of the cross when during the open forum, a few participants raised questions about certain practices in their locality and how these were bordering on the illegal. I knew the RP just did not know any better and it led me to wonder how many of us here also do not.
I am lucky since my work exposes me to a lot of groups. Not only does it add more to my knowledge, I feel that it also enriches me as a person. It broadened my horizon and freed me from the prejudices introduced to me in my youth. I became aware that there are belief systems and practices that are entirely different from my own. And that being different does not necessarily mean something is wrong with the other’s beliefs or practices. We are just different, period. And being so, one does not necessarily have to be better than the other.
In one of my work engagements, one participant took time to explain to me what Islam is all about and I fell in love with it. Dabbling with meditation and yoga also introduced me to Buddhism and Hinduism. They’re both equally beautiful belief systems. And I guess it is understandably so, because God is beautiful, no matter in what form S/He may choose to represent Himself/Herself.
I am not perfect. I still have aversion to certain things and situations. But being more aware, I am now able to step back, examine my prejudices and label them as what they really are – baseless, ignorant assumptions. Every person, regardless of color, religion, sexual orientation or preference is worthy of respect. We have no right to pass on any judgment. At the same time, we have the responsibility to try to learn more about the people we closely deal with. We have to take time to know what would adversely affect their sensibilities and try our best to avoid these. I am thinking, if only all of us would bother to do so, this world would certainly be a better place for everyone. (And I can't help but think of this in the context of Mindanao)
Being a mother, I’m thinking of raising Baby being aware of these things very early on. I don’t want him to grow up passing judgment on others. Especially so, that he is growing up where he is – a melting pot of different cultures. It is difficult though. As it is, on the issue of gender sensitivity alone, it is already being tested everyday. He came home one day telling me, “Nanay, di ba okay lang sa boy ang pink? Di ba okay lang ang Dora?” Then he related how a classmate of his told him he is gay because he asked permission to play with her “pink” Dora toy. It’s a good thing he still comes to me to relate all these things. That way I could still reinforce the things I am trying to teach him. What then when he is out there and would be bombarded by views that are not entirely correct? What if he would stop coming home to me and ask my opinion?
It’s a good thing that right now, my son still looks up to me and believe what I tell him. I know there will come a time that he would be forming his own views of things. I could only pray that among these would be the grain of truths I wanted to impart to him. Oh, but life is beautiful. I know it’ll find ways to enrich my son’s own in ways I could only imagine for now.
That was not the first time in this training that I noted how a lot of us here in Davao could still learn where being “culturally-sensitive” is concerned. I want it clear that I am not passing on any judgment. I do not take it against the RP that she had to ask that question. To her, it was an innocent inquiry. It was pretty evident that she simply does not know and had to clarify that since it had something to do with her lecture. Based on how she proceeded with her lecture, it was obvious that her original thinking was that Muslims are really considered IPs.
In the same training, another RP had repeatedly coined a certain reference document as the agency’s “Bible.” And twice made the gesture of the cross when during the open forum, a few participants raised questions about certain practices in their locality and how these were bordering on the illegal. I knew the RP just did not know any better and it led me to wonder how many of us here also do not.
I am lucky since my work exposes me to a lot of groups. Not only does it add more to my knowledge, I feel that it also enriches me as a person. It broadened my horizon and freed me from the prejudices introduced to me in my youth. I became aware that there are belief systems and practices that are entirely different from my own. And that being different does not necessarily mean something is wrong with the other’s beliefs or practices. We are just different, period. And being so, one does not necessarily have to be better than the other.
In one of my work engagements, one participant took time to explain to me what Islam is all about and I fell in love with it. Dabbling with meditation and yoga also introduced me to Buddhism and Hinduism. They’re both equally beautiful belief systems. And I guess it is understandably so, because God is beautiful, no matter in what form S/He may choose to represent Himself/Herself.
I am not perfect. I still have aversion to certain things and situations. But being more aware, I am now able to step back, examine my prejudices and label them as what they really are – baseless, ignorant assumptions. Every person, regardless of color, religion, sexual orientation or preference is worthy of respect. We have no right to pass on any judgment. At the same time, we have the responsibility to try to learn more about the people we closely deal with. We have to take time to know what would adversely affect their sensibilities and try our best to avoid these. I am thinking, if only all of us would bother to do so, this world would certainly be a better place for everyone. (And I can't help but think of this in the context of Mindanao)
Being a mother, I’m thinking of raising Baby being aware of these things very early on. I don’t want him to grow up passing judgment on others. Especially so, that he is growing up where he is – a melting pot of different cultures. It is difficult though. As it is, on the issue of gender sensitivity alone, it is already being tested everyday. He came home one day telling me, “Nanay, di ba okay lang sa boy ang pink? Di ba okay lang ang Dora?” Then he related how a classmate of his told him he is gay because he asked permission to play with her “pink” Dora toy. It’s a good thing he still comes to me to relate all these things. That way I could still reinforce the things I am trying to teach him. What then when he is out there and would be bombarded by views that are not entirely correct? What if he would stop coming home to me and ask my opinion?
It’s a good thing that right now, my son still looks up to me and believe what I tell him. I know there will come a time that he would be forming his own views of things. I could only pray that among these would be the grain of truths I wanted to impart to him. Oh, but life is beautiful. I know it’ll find ways to enrich my son’s own in ways I could only imagine for now.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
All About Baby
Baby came home yesterday bringing with him a small plant sowed on a clear, plastic cup. We were having lunch, me making the most of my time with him before I return to the training. His Tatay urged him to show me the different parts of the plants. Tatay related to me how Baby had been talking non-stop on their way home from school about the different parts of the plants.
Baby then turned to me and said, “Nanay roots ito,” pointing at the roots visible from the plastic cup. I nodded in response. Then Baby added, “These are the leaves,” this time pointing at the plant’s clump of leaves. Noticing that he missed out on the stems of the plant I asked, “What are these then?” Without missing a beat he answered, “Tingnan mo yung folder ko, Nay. Nandun kung ano tawag dyan,” making reference to their assignment folder which outlines the lessons they have every week. Hahaha!
These days, how Baby could communicate so well never fails to amaze me. There was one instance when I called home to ask Tatay something when it was Baby who answered. It turned out that somebody called me up at home and he very clearly told me, “Nanay, may tumawag sa ‘yo kanina dito. Sabi ko wala ka, nagwork. Tawag daw siya ulit.” It completely blew me away. I know it’s expected of three-year olds to be able to express themselves already. Still, hearing Baby communicate sans his usual, broken lines but still in his cute, baby voice could really tug at my heart. It must be a motherly-thing.
His logic is also faultless. One time I got irritated to find out the laundry is all over the floor and was urging him to help me put them all in the hamper. He readily helped me but while he was stuffing in the laundry he told me in his cute voice, “Nanay, sunod, sabihan mo si Tatay siya magpasok nito kasi siya man nagkalat nito, hindi ako.” Imagine that, coming from a four-year old.
He also has perfect taste (hehehe). I was tying my hair, getting ready for the Christmas Mass when Baby came inside the room and told me, “Wow! Nanay, ang cute mo.” He was looking at my dress. It was a new dress, bought with my “newly-acquired” pregnancy in mind. It had spaghetti straps and a very low neckline. To cover up, I put on a tube blouse underneath. The dress was really pretty, completely feminine and I was surprised at how he openly expressed his appreciation for it.
I was wearing the same dress last week but at that time donned on a short-sleeved tee-blouse underneath. I was tiptoeing inside the bedroom so as not to wake him up when I heard him say, “Nanay, sando lang isuot mo inside, ‘wag yan.” I nearly jumped but was really amused to hear him “advise” me on what to wear. ‘Seems like, I now have an in-house fashion consultant. And a four-year old at that.
Baby is indeed expressive and I find it truly refreshing. Last Sunday, we were settling down to sleep when he turned to me and said, “Nanay, masaya ako kanina sa binyag ni Baby Koi2x.” Eric’s youngest got baptized and the family spent lunch together at the reception. The venue’s ground was large, covered and with huts dotting the place. He and Janin had a field day running all over. When I asked him why he was happy, he replied that it’s because he was able to play with his Ate.
I am truly grateful for moments like these with Baby. I am grateful knowing how he’s turning out to be. I love the fact that Baby is open and expressive about his feelings. It is telling me that somehow, we did something right in rearing him up since he had no qualms about expressing anything to us. To me it means he feels confident enough to do so.
I am wondering how he is at school though. His teacher had told me he appeared shy and reserved. I guess it’s understandable really since he is not so used about being with other kids. He’s more used to hanging around adults. In fact he feels so much at home with my friends and showed every indication of how he considers himself very much part of the “barkada.” And yet I would very much want that to change. I want him to be confident around his peers as well. That is another reason why I’m grateful for this pregnancy since it’ll definitely be helpful to Baby to have another sibling.
Oh, and one last detail.. last night while lying in bed I told Baby how his Teacher Rose congratulated me for my pregnancy when his Tatay and I went to pick up his card for the 3rd grading. The smile he gave me was so huge, obviously happy at the news. He then sat up in bed and stoop to my bulging tummy. Making sure that his mouth is where my navel is (he believes this is where he should talk so his baby sibling could hear him), he whispered, “Baby, teacher ko yun siya, kaya huwag kang matakot sa kanya ha?” hehe Baby’s really so sweet and smart. I’m so grateful I have him.
Baby then turned to me and said, “Nanay roots ito,” pointing at the roots visible from the plastic cup. I nodded in response. Then Baby added, “These are the leaves,” this time pointing at the plant’s clump of leaves. Noticing that he missed out on the stems of the plant I asked, “What are these then?” Without missing a beat he answered, “Tingnan mo yung folder ko, Nay. Nandun kung ano tawag dyan,” making reference to their assignment folder which outlines the lessons they have every week. Hahaha!
These days, how Baby could communicate so well never fails to amaze me. There was one instance when I called home to ask Tatay something when it was Baby who answered. It turned out that somebody called me up at home and he very clearly told me, “Nanay, may tumawag sa ‘yo kanina dito. Sabi ko wala ka, nagwork. Tawag daw siya ulit.” It completely blew me away. I know it’s expected of three-year olds to be able to express themselves already. Still, hearing Baby communicate sans his usual, broken lines but still in his cute, baby voice could really tug at my heart. It must be a motherly-thing.
His logic is also faultless. One time I got irritated to find out the laundry is all over the floor and was urging him to help me put them all in the hamper. He readily helped me but while he was stuffing in the laundry he told me in his cute voice, “Nanay, sunod, sabihan mo si Tatay siya magpasok nito kasi siya man nagkalat nito, hindi ako.” Imagine that, coming from a four-year old.
He also has perfect taste (hehehe). I was tying my hair, getting ready for the Christmas Mass when Baby came inside the room and told me, “Wow! Nanay, ang cute mo.” He was looking at my dress. It was a new dress, bought with my “newly-acquired” pregnancy in mind. It had spaghetti straps and a very low neckline. To cover up, I put on a tube blouse underneath. The dress was really pretty, completely feminine and I was surprised at how he openly expressed his appreciation for it.
I was wearing the same dress last week but at that time donned on a short-sleeved tee-blouse underneath. I was tiptoeing inside the bedroom so as not to wake him up when I heard him say, “Nanay, sando lang isuot mo inside, ‘wag yan.” I nearly jumped but was really amused to hear him “advise” me on what to wear. ‘Seems like, I now have an in-house fashion consultant. And a four-year old at that.
Baby is indeed expressive and I find it truly refreshing. Last Sunday, we were settling down to sleep when he turned to me and said, “Nanay, masaya ako kanina sa binyag ni Baby Koi2x.” Eric’s youngest got baptized and the family spent lunch together at the reception. The venue’s ground was large, covered and with huts dotting the place. He and Janin had a field day running all over. When I asked him why he was happy, he replied that it’s because he was able to play with his Ate.
I am truly grateful for moments like these with Baby. I am grateful knowing how he’s turning out to be. I love the fact that Baby is open and expressive about his feelings. It is telling me that somehow, we did something right in rearing him up since he had no qualms about expressing anything to us. To me it means he feels confident enough to do so.
I am wondering how he is at school though. His teacher had told me he appeared shy and reserved. I guess it’s understandable really since he is not so used about being with other kids. He’s more used to hanging around adults. In fact he feels so much at home with my friends and showed every indication of how he considers himself very much part of the “barkada.” And yet I would very much want that to change. I want him to be confident around his peers as well. That is another reason why I’m grateful for this pregnancy since it’ll definitely be helpful to Baby to have another sibling.
Oh, and one last detail.. last night while lying in bed I told Baby how his Teacher Rose congratulated me for my pregnancy when his Tatay and I went to pick up his card for the 3rd grading. The smile he gave me was so huge, obviously happy at the news. He then sat up in bed and stoop to my bulging tummy. Making sure that his mouth is where my navel is (he believes this is where he should talk so his baby sibling could hear him), he whispered, “Baby, teacher ko yun siya, kaya huwag kang matakot sa kanya ha?” hehe Baby’s really so sweet and smart. I’m so grateful I have him.
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