I looked at my watch. I have a work call coming up, for which I'm facilitating. I looked at the rug by the window. It has been washed but noting the accumulated dust, I know I wanted it to be much cleaner. It's been nagging me every time I see it and I've put off cleaning it for some time. It would be quite heavy for starters and the past weeks had really been hectic work-wise.
To be honest, it had also been a source of resentment. For Tatay and the kids to feel that it needs washing and would take it on as a task was something I've been wishing for, for the whole time. I was thinking, I could definitely do with the helping hand. I checked myself... why am I such a neat-freak? I just want everything neat and tidy. I used to think it must be because of the work I do -- highly cerebral and a lot of writing. One has to be in a certain mood and a really, really, really (how's that for emphasis? hehe) conducive environment to be able to pull it off (pouring over graphs and 'interpreting' them correctly).
I thought of Mama too and how she's such a tidy person (the back of the plates, cups and mugs had to be thoroughly clean too and shiny!). She hates clutter and she's always tidying up. I remember her being such a nag over it a lot of times hehehe But there I was with my books and my adolescent, lazy bones to be really that helpful. Well, in fairness, we do get our household chore assignments. I remember scrubbing and sweeping the floors the minute I wake up. Well, right after I made the bed and folded everything nice and tidy. I watered the plants too and Mama has a lot of them! But the nitty-gritty stuff? Like scrubbing the pots and pans and dusting every surface until they are impeccably clean, that is mostly Mama.
I remember one incident wherein I ruffled Mama's hair in amusement while she was in her nagging tirade. She was taken aback by it. Oh the look on her face! But she did laugh. I told her, she relax and stop being angry all the time because us children (Nino and myself) would just take it as a sign as to how tedious and tiring all those chores really are. I told her, by her attitude, we would be put off, just thinking about doing the chores like doing the dishes hehehe But yeah, I do remember how Mama's nagging could really get to me as well. Thinking all of that now, I recognize that Mama must have been really tired having to do all those things on top of work. After all, I'm in her shoes now. While I do not nag as much, I do feel resentment.
Begrudgingly, I began to see the kids as I was at their age. I hated having to give up my book in order to just clean or do whatever Mama wants me to do. Now with Rod it is computer games. For Ate Janin, it is watching TWICE on youtube. for For Forest, it is playing, lying around and yes, watching MVs too. I remember being particularly lethargic while in my teen-age stage too. From all the Waldorf discussions I've participated in, I now know that it's because the bones (and the body and brain) are growing at such a rate that the kid transitioning into the teen-age phase could hardly cope up.
So there I was in the bath tub with the shower on, scrubbing every inch of the rug, and thinking I ought to be more mindful of the whole thing. I should just give up feeling resentful (while honoring the fact that I am feeling it and it is quite real to me) and recognise the fact that the kids at this stage would no way give up something they really love to do -- games, playing, watching (which are all undeniably pleasurable) -- in exchange for brushing the rug until it is free of dust; sweeping the dried leaves from the front yard or washing dishes for that matter. After all in fairness, the children do have their chore assignments and more often than not, they do accomplish them. Well, at times, they do take their time and I have to nag but unlike other kids, they are really helpful around the house. They know their roles well.
Kuya, who does little of the chores around the house, does clean his room and do his laundry all by himself. He folds his clothes though and keep the work station (that he uses often for classes and his games) tidy as well. He makes sure the wires are neatly arranged and all that stuff. The girls are heaven-sent too! Forest cleans the sala. She sometimes takes on Kuya's watering the plants task. She would suddenly be struck with an inspiration and she would suddenly clean the fridge. She cleans the bathrooms too! Ate Janin cooks and does her dish-washing bit. She helps me in re-arranging the plants, even in carrying the heavy pots. She hangs the clothes and bed sheets that I;ve washed. I'm very grateful for the girls and I express that often.
However that whole thing also is a source of consternation for me. I hate the fact that the girls are doing most of the household chores and Kuya isn't. I've been telling him repeatedly that even as a small child he already knows my stand on gender roles in the house. He knows it well. He knows that care work ought to be shared and SHOULD NOT in anyway be delegated to the females alone! He knows it well too! I nag about it often enough. But there he is, as unmovable as a stone. In one or two of our conversations over the subject he was forthcoming in telling me that he DOES know. Only, he is really just being lazy. Just this afternoon while I was arranging all the unwashed stuff by the sink, I was telling him to go help with the washing. Ate and Forest are in Mama Fely's house because they have classes and we did not have internet. I told him, there is no way I am raising an @$$h0l3 who thinks that household chores should only be done by the women and girls alone. I've had had my little reflection a bit earlier though while in the tub and scrubbing the rug and so I was being less of a nag about it. Still.
So yes, there I was in the tub, brush was set aside and washing the soap off the rug, having a eureka moment. (Very much like Archimedes' bath tub moment hehehe). I told myself if I was upset at having Mama nag me when I was a teenager over the household chores, I should perhaps try a different approach with the kiddos. Nagging would no way win them over. I told myself, I should perhaps don't delegate the chores I want done but hate doing myself like washing that rug for instance. At the same time, I don't force myself to do them and then be very resentful about it; and of the fact that I do all the chores while they sit and watch TV. I should then wait till I am in the mood and have the energy to do it myself; honor those moments when I'm too tired or has too much to do at work and just beg off the chores altogether. It would be very difficult I know but I could always try and be more mindful about it. That way, when I was finally doing the task, I'm happy about it and the kids get to see that. Perhaps, instead of nagging them too, I can tell them that when they're ready to do it, they can also help address long-standing tasks around the house like trimming the grass and whatnots. After all, they are mindful of their assigned chores. I should give them credit too where credit is due.
Ahhh... mindful parenting is not easy. While this may sound like a cliche, love always finds a way.
