Mid-Vortex

We've just had a really good evening.  We ate out at a Harry Potter themed restaurant.  Imagine the kiddos' excitement.  Mine too!  Then we went grocery-shopping at a Korean one.  The result -- really happy and upbeat children.  Thankful.  Thankful for Loreto too for driving and being solicitous with the kids.  

I re-read an entry from last year's and did not realise I poured out all my angst in there.  And I'm thinking if those are still my realities now?  Partly yes in that he still has moments and I'm losing patience every time.  More like respect really.  What has changed though is how he is with the kids, particularly Kuya. I remember having conversations with him over the past year where he express how he regrets those moments when he'd lose his temper with Kuya.  Right now, his relationship with Rod has greatly improved.  Rod goes to him when he wants something done.  Coz Tatay does it without question (cook mid-afternoons because Rod said he is hungry).  Whereas with me, I often have something to say or nag about (why not eat on time with us? Eat what's on the table.  It's good for you.)

I must admit I'm a far cry from being someone who is always understanding, giving more of me, in the hopes of him changing for the better.  I'm definitely not lovey-dovey or as generous with my forgiveness.  I definitely call him out when he 'misbehaves.'  And I guess that is partly why Loreto is working hard at being better these days.  He knows I'm not as forgiving as before.   

I'm just grateful that there is none of those outbursts with the kids for more than a year now.  And I pray it remains that way and a bit optimistic about it too.  But as for me, I'm allowing myself to love myself more and being "less self-depriving" where he is concerned.  Sure, he's still battling with his ghosts and I can definitely see him trying his best more than ever.  But, I'm no longer looking at the whole thing as something I can help 'resolve.'  I've tried over the years and I've given it my all.  There is nothing left anymore.  So help me, Abba.