Monday, February 19, 2018

Court Me Again (On Peri-Menopausal Symptoms)

I PM'ed Tatay the same.  We had been fighting really bad the past days.  It's me and my irrational behaviour.  Even I am surprised with the extent of my temper. It's so unlike me until Lou pointed it out to me that it could be a sign of peri-menopausal stage and true enough.  I read on the matter and a light bulb moment just hit me.  Even then, the insecurities and depression continued until today.

Being tired from it all, I just relaxed when Tatay and I chatted earlier.  I was still throwing him a bit of shade but reined my feelings in (more like claws that was in full display the past days).  The mood-swings drained not only me but Tatay as well who was bearing the brunt of it. 

The past days, we had shouting matches on end.  Him getting tired of it all and me, feeling all the more frustrated that he doesn't get me.

So earlier, I told him how I feel and he had this incredulous-cum-frustrated "look" totally not getting me.  I almost blew my top again when he said his usual line that I should just understand him.  He started it actually by saying, "I don't want to fight anymore."  That one liner from him launched a hundred yard speech from me about what I also don't want from him.  And we almost fight again.

I had to tell him that he thinks about my needs as well and he is not getting it, repeating how he loves me so much and how it should be obvious to me.  I told him it's not.  It simply is not.  I told him he had to think about my needs as well as I ask very little actually.  Just a little attention.  A little regard from him.  A little effort that would make my heart swoon.  His come back -- "Dili gamay (na kilig). Dako, mao na akong himuon."  (Not a little effort to make you swoon but big.  That's what I'll do). Well that remains to be seen but I'm glad we had this conversation. 

I told him, "Court me again." He replied, "Sige, Nay."  (Yes, Nay). And then a series of I love you's.  I joked I would make him chop firewood but that I'll reward him right away by giving in hahaha

I'm truly grateful for tonight's conversation.  It was so stressful lately that this one is like a complete flipping of the coin.  I prayed really hard yesterday though and this afternoon, on my way to the field.  Thank you, God for the quick turnaround. Truly, truly grateful!

Saturday, November 25, 2017


When my ever reluctant, somewhat-rebellious, almost-teen som started singing in the house abot bright, little lanterns and the light within, I know it’s no longer possible for my heart to hold more gratitude than it is already holding. During the community singing of today’s morning circle, Kuya refused to join. During the closing ceremony, I had to urge him and hold him close just to participate in the singing. I knew he wanted to be a part of it but just wanted to let on that he doesn’t care at all. It must be a stage, testosterone talking or what-not. So when we came home and he was singing, I knew today brought me yet another gift — filling up Kuya’s feeling tank.

Today was certainly something. Towards the end of the festival, we had a happy community singing.  It was amazing seeing co-Tuburan parents, nurturers, children, guests singing and dancing joyfully. Indeed, all day long we had been creating, nurturing, embracing light. The exchange of smiles, the selfless tool of everyone, the xhildren’s music and poetry were all very uplifting. At one point I thought that while some parts of Mindanao and even the world may seem like cloaked in darkness because of grief, strife, war, injustice, we are, in our own little way is nursing a little spark, keeping darkness at bay.

Today, for a moment, in our own little corner of the world, we upheld the light.

Thank you, God. My heart is more than full. It overflows with gratitude, with Your grace. Thank you for the gift that was today. Salamat, salamat, salamat.

Monday, October 02, 2017

Michaelmas Residue Musings

My take-away from the Michaelmas sharing with co-parents/nurturers last week which I found truly helpful with some of the situations that unfolded for me this week: "reserve judgment on the self, on others, of any situation that you might find yourself in because it only makes everything heavier and can be a source of stress. It's when we started putting in judgment that everything becomes more difficult than it really is." Or words to that effect.

It was shared by one of the grandparents. It was pointed out that there would always be that tension between light and dark. That is the reality that we need to acknowledge and accept. And so we take it as it comes and try our best to rise above the situation and make the most out of it. We try our best to ensure that it's the light within (and without) that wins over.

I was judged this week and I found myself forming my own judgment as well until I became fully conscious of it. So I took it all back. I reserved my own judgment although I had been stung already. And boy did it sting. My ego got bruised :) Good thing I remembered I am more than my ego. I'm so much more than my id :) #thinkingoutloud #musings #takingabreakfromtechnicalwriting #togetridofanaggingthought #clearingonesthoughts #heartwork #tomakeheadworkpossible
#michaelmassresidue :)

Love and light!