Early Dawn Musings, Basking in Luna's Light

• 02 August 4 AM. 
• Latagscape, Dolores, Quezon. (Thanks, Pam! Such a lovely place you have! Thank you for accommodating us!)

Day 5 of our great Min Vis Luzon sojourn (loop?). We've just been to Tacloban, Sorsogon and Naga.  Now, we're at Dolores, Quezon.

I woke up at around 3 AM.  As I had a hard time going back to sleep, I grabbed my kindle to read. It is an interesting book and what struck me most at that dawn reading was the bit about peace. 

Peace.  I’ve been very busy since forever I think, juggling motherhood, work, being a partner and on the sides, also working on my own becoming. (In an  “almost absent-minded manner to be honest or maybe more like an afterthought...  Or could also be because I have decided a long time ago that this is very important to me, this “feeding” or minding my unfolding, it seems that "my becoming" have continuously been brewing at the back-burner or half-awake-half-awake state of my consciousness.)

Anyway, I digress. Again.  So back to peace.  Reading that line on peace, I felt I was jolted awake.  I asked myself, when was the last time that I have really felt peaceful inside.? I mean, really, really at peace?  I think from the time I hit 30, gotten married, had children, my life has been a constant juggling of schedules, priorities… making to do lists… ticking them off (or forgetting to altogether as another matter had to be prioritized).  For the most part, I think, I’ve been chasing “urgent” matter this or that… And accommodating others’ “convenient time” so we could all manage to meet our many deadlines.  (And dealing with different time zones only makes this worse.) 

Lately, I’ve been noting how my time is so consumed with work and all these juggling that it has eaten into the “quality” time I have with the children.  And my me-time most of all!  On the former, I try so hard. I try so hard to be there, to be present, to be marking important milestones in their lives, to afford them opportunities and yes, "laying foundation" for their platform of agency/privileges.  But by quality time I meant, having that heart to heart talk like we used to when they were little.  Oh, we do have some snippets of that here and there.  But I feel, they are not enough?  We are not giving it time, enough for us to have that deeper connection. Enough time that would also in turn bring us back to our individual selves… to help us along in our own becoming… (Isn't that the reason why we've chosen to be family in the first place?)

So at 3 AM, I was contemplating on these things.  Being in the cradle of Mt. Banahaw-Mt. Cristobal Protected landscape, I started thinking about healing. Healing for my tired and aching body from this trip and as a whole really... I was thinking a lot about the children and their many pre-occupations in their current lives.  I guess I'm bemoaning the fact that they hardly have time for introspection these days. 

July 31 (just 2 days ago) was the Feast of St. Ignatius and we were lucky enough that we were able to attend a Mass commemorating this at the Penafrancia Basilica in Naga.  It was officiated by a Jesuit priest and in his Homily and final blessings, the priest alluded to self-introspection.  We were driving away from the church when I turned and said to Rod, "Di nga Rod.  St. Ignatius calls for self-introspection but you don't do it often enough. Or at all?"

Rod: Oh we do that every exam period.  We answer questions around that and we do that.

Me: But that's not it. I meant "really" self-reflection (making it a way of life).

Rod: Kaya nga. We do it periodically so why do I have to do it like everyday?

Me: So what has changed? I wonder what you tell yourselves once you enter HS and suddenly you have this sense of entitlement.  You used to be really kind and insightful when you were in Elementary.  What has changed? 

I think, I was really trying to understand their culture in school.  I remember back in elementary years, Rod shared he used to buy from vendors outside the school (even though he doesn't really like what they're selling) who have less crowd and buyers because he pities them.  Somehow, all that changed in HS and he's now this almost adult (little brat? pardon the term) with a strong sense of entitlement.  

For a long time, I blamed myself for this. I was an absentee parent for the most part.  Still I would like to think, I try harder at connecting with my children than other parents who are indeed physically present and not working overseas.  (No judgment here though. We are all trying our best.) But then I realised as well that it is not my sole responsibility.  Their becoming and unfolding is very much their own journey. I could try and move mountains, fetch the moon and stars for them but their unfolding is their own. 

Whew! It took me a long time to realise this, however.  It used to heavily weigh on me and fill me with so much guilt -- maybe I'm doing it wrong... I'm too lax... too strict... to idealistic... too much everything...

Case in point, we were driving back to the hotel that same day after dinner when Forest talked back to me over something I said which must have irritated her.  I turned abruptly and said, "Teka nga, I'm your parent ha? Nanay nyo ko.  I try so hard not to talk down to you since you were very little (so you can find your voice) and now you are talking down to me?! You should afford me with the same courtesy."  I realised then, that yes, it is good to be friends with your children.  That way, they trust you more and be more open?  But we must also not forget that we are their parents foremost.  They need to define boundaries and their own sets of values.  We can only help them along in that if we are being "parents" too.  Or perhaps, just to get it straight in our head what we mean by "parenting." 

So back to my dawn musings... I guess I was really praying for my own personal healing, for Tatay and for the children.  I found myself wishing that they would just one day wake up and realise they spent far too much time being glued to their phones, looking at social media and being bombarded with many "perfect" lives they wish to emulate.  

I was lead to thinking this because for this trip, Forest took a long time deciding which book to bring.  From my suggestion, she picked up Hosseini's "And the Mountains Echoed."  It starts with a mini-story which I'm sure would awaken her interest.  I'm trying to gauge if she's now ready for this kind of book... something that would make her aware of the more realistic, alternate lives in other contexts. I guess I was guilty of wanting her to "awaken" in a way and be aware that in other parts of the world, many are just busy surviving, far from trying to achieve a flashy, glamorous, aesthetic, social-media-posting-worthy life.  I try to tell them this every now and then but I know I couldn't take on the stance of a preacher in a teen-ager's life.  That would be tantamount to burning bridges hehe

So anyway, she did start to read it, in this trip.  And true enough she loved the mini-story in the intro.  And then the real story unfolds... We were on the ferry bound to Matnog when she turned to me and said, "Makaiyak man ito, Nay.  Mag-iyak man ako nito."

Me: Yeah.  I think I cried a lot when I was reading this too hehehe

Forest: Ayoko nito.

Me: It is a good story. But ikaw.  

I did not push her.  She must not be ready yet.  And that is fine.  So in true "ever-prepared" Forest fashion, she took out her alternative book -- Keepsake, a YA-themed book hahaha! 

So these many thoughts were running on my mind.  (Always thinking about the children).  Thinking about how we are in Mt. Banahaw and in close proximity to Mt. Cristobal, I was thinking perhaps I could just harness the energy of the place and ask for cleansing for us all.  Then suddenly, I noted the sky brightening up.  It is the full moon and I was actually thrilled to be working last night and participating in calls (meetings) while such a big moon was shining on me from the back.  

At dawn, it had moved to the west and basking all of us where we have laid down to sleep.  I noticed the dark clouds slowly receding and the moon glowed in all its glory.  The light travelled from the edge of the hut, to the bamboo floors and finally to my face. I felt I was totally bathing in it.  I stood up and opened further the children's tent so the light could get to them as well. Tatay and I were sleeping on a mattress on the floor so we were totally basking on the moon's glow.  I moved closer to the ballustre that enclosed the hut, facing the moon.  It glowed even brighter... To me that was quite a magical moment.  I felt as if my prayer for healing and restoration was being answered right then and there.  

I looked down at the city lights before me and thought again about how those lights represent our many "preoccupations" and how many of us really have lost our connection to nature and ourselves.  I thought about how under those city lights, we are always about chasing deadlines, material wealth and "priorities."  I find it funny thinking how everything seems to be aligned since the book I was just reading is entitled, "Oracles of Celestial Light."

I wanted to capture the moon and how it was glowing, bathing the hill and farm before me so I turned to get my phone.  I guess that broke the spell because by the time I got back (which must have been just a minute after), the moon hid itself in dark clouds and never showed up again.  Ah... phones! What a mistake :)

I am grateful for that moment though.  Me and my crazy ideas (as Rod loves to coin it, in an amused, loving manner), at 4 AM in the morning. Thank you. Dios Mabalos.