Homesick

I made it to the interview and barely made it to the airport to catch my flight. Thank God! Now here I am feeling nostalgic and emotional. After a late brunch at 4:00 PM I loitered the streets of Legazpi to look for an internet cafe to download some important files I'll be needing when I stopped right at my tracks.

The buildings looked familiar... And then I realized, just up ahead is where Bolo, Baby and I stayed during my first trip here. In fact, the cafe I'm at now is right at the street next to the very hotel we were billeted before -- the corner of which is where Baby and I bid Bolo goodbye as he boarded the tricycle that would take him to the terminal. Unlike us, he would be taking the bus back to Manila. We were trying to save. There was a big difference between the bus fare and the airfare.

I'm remembering how emotional that night was, as well. Bolo and I were constantly texting each other. We were constantly reassuring each other and exchanging exciting messages about seeing fire sliding down Mayon's slope hehehe.

I miss my son.... so much... but I won't think much about him. Besides this is hardly the time to given all the things I needed to do for my task here and my job back home. There's no sleeping for me here...

Ah this is one of those days when I'd wish I'm filthy rich. That way, I could still get to do development work, feel good about myself and be fulfilled. At the same time, I could afford my husband and son's airfare and accommodation... What could be more better than that? To be able to impress upon my son my passion for development work? And to present him one option of how he could choose to live his life... Not to mention, I could get to do the thing I love most but not be separated from my family.

Family. Meaningful work. These are two things I value the most at the moment.

I miss you Baby, you have no idea how much Nanay wants for you to be here. I love you. This is the first time since I had you that I won't be sleeping next to you and it's breaking my heart to pieces...

Happy Father's Day B!

How Can I Not Love You? (Anna and the King)

How Can I Not Love You

Cannot touch, Cannot hold, Cannot be together
Cannot love, Cannot kiss, Cannot love eachother
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot trip, Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel, Must pretend it's over
Must be brave and we must go on, Must not say
Wat we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you

Bridge:
Must be brave and we must be strong
Cannot say what we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you
When you are gone...




Above is one of my favorite movies of all time. I chanced upon it while surfing Youtube for U2's "Stuck in the Moment" which I also like very much, by the way :)

This movie and the song reminds me so much of a particular moment in my life. I was just about to write -- "reminds me of a particular person." Upon deeper introspection, it's not really the person I missed or remember. It was the particular person I was.

Come to think of it, we often connote our hang-ups on persons -- on an ex-boyfriend, our parents, a lost friend, an enemy, a lover -- when what we're really having an issue with was the very person we were at that particular moment...

I have just come to realize that now while I was thinking of the person who reminds me so much of this movie and of this song. I was just about to think how I must continue to have feelings for that person when I stopped.

Being truthful to myself I realized it was not the person that I missed but the moment. More appropriately, I missed the person I was at that particular stage of my life.

I was... naive, idealistic, believed so much in magic and happy ever afters... I believed in fate, in serendipity... I believed in synchronicity and true love. Oh I still believe in all of those things. But there's a big difference when one is young and still not through certain harsh realities. Then, I believed in all of those things with tenacity, with a passion...

Now, being through relationships, being a wife and having faced the realities of married life, I look at "love" and certain things now a little differently...

So I guess it's a bit natural to miss those days when I do not know any better. At that time when I view life through rose-colored lenses. Somehow, then, everything was "romanticized." Even poignant experiences are regarded bitter-sweet. For all it was worth, I like the intoxication it brought me... Somehow, there was a purpose to the pain, disappointments were a lot easier to accept.

Oh, I still continue to believe on how there is a purpose to everything. More so now when I'm more mature and could be more truthful to myself about things than before. Still, sometimes it's so nice to think about the past and how simple life seemed...

For "You," thanks for all the beautiful conversations shared.... They meant more than you'll ever know...

At World's End

I feel pretty much that way these days with everything going on and so little time to do it with. I ought to be resting, following the miscarriage but here I am, busier than I was before the miscarriage. But as they say, I got to do what I had to do.

I'm sleepy. In fact I had turned off the computer following a futile attempt to work. I guess I really am just too exhausted to tackle anything about work. I was just about to doze off when I remembered the significance of the day. So I just got to blog about it.

Hehe well, it was really nothing. I guess I'm just happy that finally, after what seems like forever, Bolo and I managed to squeeze in some time to watch a movie. Yeah, it had been quite some time. It's either I had work, he had some other concerns, I got hospitalized, I had to rest, and the most likely reason -- there was no one to look after baby.

This afternoon though, Loren, Bolo's sister volunteered to baby sit so Bolo and I could squeeze in a few hours off. So off we went to the mall. Bolo and I to watch one of my favorite movie character of all time -- Capt. Jack Sparrow -- and Loren and Baby for some playtime at Sonic Boom and Wonderland.

Loren was truly an angel. On our way to the mall, she even texted the cinema's officer-in-charge and managed to get us free passes for the movie. Yey! hehehe It was exciting really. We even got escorted to the cinema and was allowed to choose our seats hehehehe It was fun.

Waaah! Capt. Jack Sparrow :) I could go on and on about the things that fascinated me about his character, the story line, the special effects, the fight scenes that we're beautifully orchestrated, etc. etc. I could gush on end about it hehehe I am that smitten.

I remember watching. "The Curse of the Black Pearl" twice in cinema. When it was shown on tv, Bolo and I even slept real late just to wait up for it and to finish the entire run. I also remember taking a half-day leave from work just to watch "The Dead Man's Chest" when Jeni urged me to watch it on spur of the moment. And now, I was finally able to watch its final installment.

The inability to squeeze in some movie time the past months made us pass up some real good movies we would have wanted to see. Not to mention pass up some opportunity for travel but that's another story. So when Bolo and I tried for three weeks and was still failing to watch "At World's End," I thought we're never gonna see it on the big screen. But lo and behold, everything worked out so beautifully. I only wanted to see the movie but what did we get? We got to see it for free and we got to choose our seats nonetheless hehehe Really, I feel so blessed.

Thank you, Father God for showing me again how wonderful you are. I feel so cherished to have you orchestrate so nicely even the littlest detail in my life. Truly, you leave no stone unturned. I'm so awed by you.

The Weekend

At 7:45 AM this morning, I was already facing my computer, finishing up the letter I was drafting last night, sending emails and making phone calls. Yep, on a Sunday. I have my misgivings alright, especially when I'm feeling some pain in my abdominals and lower back lately. But I'm not complaining really. I had to do what I had to do. I have just one week to prepare for a training I'm running and there are a still a lot of things that needed to be done.

It does not feel like a weekend at all. Saturday morning I was on a meeting too. In the afternoon I was back to facing the computer and fixing materials and sending e-mails. I capped the night by making online hotel reservations on the hotel for the Legazpi trip I'm taking this month also.

This weekend wasn't just all about working though. Actually, at 3:30 PM earlier, the whole "clan" were already headed to the beach for some bonding time. We had some kinilaw, sinugbang (char-broiled) fish and some meat, and fruit salad. Enjoyed some red wine too and some leftover Cadbury chocolates courtesy of Ate Gaga. At one point I thought wistfully about having some cheese too to go with the wine. But the company and the time spent with family more than made up for the "humble" fare we had.

I also appreciated the experience very much since it gave Baby the excuse to run and play for the entire afternoon. I thought he would still be a bit fearful of the water just as he was over at Canibad but I guess the presence of his other cousins enjoying the water made him want to join in on the fun too. So there he was, rushing to the coming tides and playfully scooping down some water. Several times he fell on his butt but he just continued playing. He sure was having so much fun that I was again sorry to not have a camera at hand. Yeah, it was very much unlike me to not have one. A cousin borrowed it and so I was not able to charge the batteries on time.

After we've cleaned up Baby and have him changed into dry clothes, he behaved for some time while I was feeding him the avocado he loves. I think its a good thing that he likes avocado. He sure could do with some source of fats. His milk being soya, he's pretty lean compared to other babies his age.

Soon after that, there was no containing him. He had a field day chasing after his soccer ball with his cousins even when it had started to get dark. Where they were playing was quite a distance from our cottage but it was surprising how he could find his way back to me on his own even in the dark. I think he took after his Tatay's gift for instant recall when it comes to direction. Thank God he did not take after me who's quite clueless in that aspect. Well, I think we have another "guide" in the making. I reckon, a few years from now and we have another "lagalag" in the making =) I'm not sure whether I ought to look forward to that or be fearful of the prospect hehehe

Julia Fordham

Yup, listening to Julia Fordham at the moment. My clock reads 1:38 AM. I've been feeling sleepy since 11 o'clock, I guess. But there are a lot of things that needed to be done. Just outside our room lies a heap of clothes that needed to be folded up and stored in their right cabinets and to think I've started folding up clothes by the time I arrived from my meeting. I only stopped to go down and eat.

Well, so far I've succeeding in neatly hanging some of my "training clothes." Some of Bolo's and Baby's stuff too. I've sorted out my "pambahay," my "for-the-office," and casual-wear clothes. I found out too that I have more clothes than cabinet space. Not that I've been acquiring much lately. Rarely do I find the time to browse and buy clothes these days. In fact, most of my blouses now are Bolo's "gifts" to me -- his "finds." Well, I must add that his choices are not that bad at all, except for those few times he brought home stuff that are either too loud for my taste or were ill-fitting. For the most part, however, he's pretty astute in his choices. It's like he knew full well my minimalist preference.

Hmm... looking back however, I now have plenty of t-shirts too, thanks to him. He's so fond of "climbing," sporty clothes and every now and then he would come home bringing me t-shirts and shorts -- mostly board shorts.

Anyway, how did my day went? Good, I guess. Went back to work despite my OB's two-month rest advice. I had to. I have a training from the 20th to the 23rd and there are a lot of things that needed to be done.

On that note, I guess I'd better call it a day. Better rest now, have another day of work tomorrow. Julia still croons and I'm reminded once again how I like her so much. Used to be so gungho over her during college. And every now and then I would crave for her voice. I had several albums of her in the past. But right now, the only album I have left is her "Collection," which is not bad at all. It is indeed a collection of all her good songs. Hmm.. but is there really any "bad" ones? =)

Ah, this song currently playing, "Porcelain," I really like and not just because it starts with the line -- "I am very much in like with you..." hehehe

I was about to post this blog when "Invisible War" played. It reminds me so much of my relationship with Bolo. Indeed, sometimes there could be just a thin line between love and hate. It's funny really how you could also hate so much the very person you also love very much. I guess it's really because of the vulnerability that loving so much brings. When you love, really love, somehow you leave yourself open and very vulnerable. Emotions are raw, and sometimes expectations run high too. It's no wonder it could hurt so much when these expectations are not met.

Ah, "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways..." Yeah, with my liking Julia Fordham so much, anyone can guess this was played during our wedding hehehe It's not our wedding song, however. Instead, it opened up the ceremony. Our entourage and sponsors marched down the aisle while the choir sang this in the background. I thought it a fitting scoring. Love indeed moves in mysterious ways. Never have I foreseen that everything would end up as it had and not as I first planned it to be.

Oh, there were plans alright. The planning took several years -- two, three years? And yet everything turned out differently. I still harbor a bit of a guilt for that particular aspect of my life. But only because I have no way of knowing if the other's life turned out fine as well... I hope it did... Indeed one could invest so much in making plans and trying to push everything as planned. Still, life could unfold in such a way that one could never imagine... And often the unfolding is good... It is always good no matter how it may seem otherwise at times... Because we have an orchestrator who is good.. all the time... Thank you, Father God.

Hmm..

My horroscope today reads:

Cancer: Pay special attention to the boundary between your home life

and your professional life.

It's solid,

and you need to make sure it stays that way today.

It's more important than ever to keep any problems that you're having at work

as far removed from your personal life as possible.

There's also a risk that a deepening relationship with a colleague

could have undue influence over a personal decision.

Beware -- this could be a problem.

I don't base my life and my decisions on what my horroscope says but this sure made me pensive...

Taking Care of One's Own

I think one has no business dreaming/ talking about making a difference, helping others, pitching in in development work if you don't know a thing about taking care of one's own. I think it is hypocritical to quote the bible every now and then, boast about one's regular attendance to services if you cannot be charitable to people within your own backyard.

Before, I used to be so wary of announcing to the world that I belong to a certain Spiritual community or that I attend regular worship service. It's not because I am ashamed of my God or ashamed that I'll be associated with such activities. In the first place, I feel blessed to have had such kind of relationship with my God so I don't see why I ought to be ashamed about it. In fact it is the other way around. The reason why I don't make such "pronouncements" is because I'm afraid I may just shame my community.

Establishing that close relationship with Him, the more I am made aware of my own weaknesses. As I get to know more about Him and His goodness, the more I know of my own imperfections, of my own brokenness. I know every now and then I would say or do things that would not only be unpleasing to His eyes but also to the people around me.

Ironically, it's not His wrath that I fear the most. It's other people's judgment of me. No, it's not even that. It's the judgment that may boomerang back to my community for whatever "falling short of perfection" that I may commit.

That is why sometimes I "envy" people who could talk so openly about their own spiritual practices, like how often they would go to Mass, or how often they do charitable works... I wish I could have the same zeal that they do.

Oh, but I'd like to correct myself. I do have the zeal, I just don't sing openly about it. Ah... I've said a lot of things here already when all that I wanted to say now is that I am hurting. I've been hurting for a long time even if I don't also speak openly about it. I am hurting because I have trouble fitting in. I am hurting because while I wanted to establish relationships, I often feel I'm up against a brick wall. It's hard when even at the onset it's been underlined time and again that you're on your own and that you do not belong.

Oh, I don't really mind not establishing the relationships. I'm fine all by myself. And besides, I'm really quite wary where that is concerned. Because, relationships matter the whole lot to me. Friends to me are not just pals. They're family, loved ones. To them I'll give all of me without any hesitation should the situation call for it. That is why I don't really always jump at the chance to "acquire" more relationships than I already have.

Still, establishing relationship is necessary with people you have common goals with. It is but only common sense to do so. Oh but yeah, I forgot, I am on my own and we necessarily don't share a common goal...

I am hurting because I felt I am shortchanged. I am hurting because I had had such high expectations from people whom I thought knows more about God's love and about translating it into this world. I am hurting because when at the time I was hurting I did not feel the slightest hint that they were hurting along with me. Kahit respeto lang man sana. All that they succeeded was in making me feel that I was worthless to them. Oh, I did not expect much like they would have to smother with flowers and all that stuff. A simple "how are you?" would have been more than enough.

I'm asking myself, have I set such high expectations that is why I am hurting now? No, in fact I did not have any expectations at all. But, I guess I did not expect total disregard as well. My God, I lost a child and it's a painful experience. I had expected that mothers would have at least understand the pain I must be going through. I expected that those who seek to establish relationship with God everyday would know how to extend a comforting hand to those who needed it. So yeah, maybe I did have such high expectations. This is the only way that could explain the hurt I'm feeling now... But yeah, I'll get over this. I am in fact feeling better now. I just felt that I had to express all that I've felt so it wouldn't have to be a baggage, a burden I'll be carrying around with me.

If anything, I take comfort in the fact that my God did not fail me at all. He had always been with me every step of the way. And there were my friends too, my family... If there's anything I get out of this whole experience, it's that God reaffirmed His promise to anyone who loves Him -- that indeed He would never forsake us or abandon us especially in time of need. With that, what more shall I want?

Alex's Homecoming

Well, it wasn't really much of a homecoming =) We've been what? Together for just three hours? But what three hours it was! It was three hours of catching up, exchanging experiences and views on relationships. I'd say, for everything that we've covered, it seemed we pretty much maximized the little time we'd had.


And to think it almost did not happen. We're supposed to go out Saturday night. But then it rained. Aside from that, Bolo and I spent most of the afternoon till 7 pm in marketing, going to the grocery store and cooking. It was Jeni's Mom's -- our Godparent during our wedding -- birthday party. She (Jeni) "delegated" to us the cooking of one vegetarian dish -- the "sumptuous" pakora =) For those who do not know what a pakora is, it is like your vegetable tempura. Only in this case, we make use of besan flour (chick pea flour), some kinchay (to add to the flavor and to give the dish that wonderful smell), and some seasonings for the batter. And, we used oyster mushrooms instead of the regular vegetables. We also made use of cauliflowers for that "chicken lollipop" effect.


Anyway, I was too beat after rushing with the cooking and baby was not feeling so well that I thought it not a good idea to go out. I wasn't even able to attend the party, much more so have the energy for some night-out-get-together.

Good thing we pushed through with it tonight. It sure was fun. The conversation had really been great. It is surprising considering that we haven't really seen Alex for more than ten years already. At first I was a bit hesitant about going. I thought we might run out of things to say to each other. After all, we hardly share anything common now. But it sure was fun learning about each other's lives at present.


We talked about our marriage, our relationships with our spouses, our struggles, courtship, keeping the relationship, sex. Yeah, we even talked about that and had fun laughing. We also talked about betrayal. But it was nothing heavy. We talked about how it could create such a dent in a relationship... I sit here and think how we have come a long way from those years we spent in college talking about tapes, music, MTVs and worrying about where to copy our next assignment from hehehe. There we were talking about more serious adult stuff.

I appreciated the fact that Alex was also very much open during our conversation. While neither of us really went into the sordid details of our respective relationships, I felt that each of us had really been open with each other. At one point pictures were exchanged. I must say those of Alex and his wife were really good ones. For Jeni, Candy and I, they were mostly "Mom stuff" -- pictures that have our babies in them =) And, they were just as good =)


Before we knew it, it was already time to go. I know we all shared the feeling that we would have wanted for the conversation to go on. But Alex had an early flight to catch tomorrow. I have to think of Baby and Bolo waiting for me at the shop. Candy's kids are starting school the next day. As for Jeni, she had all the time in the world hehehe.

For all that we've shared -- our relationship woes included -- I really wish that each of our relationships will turn out well in the end and that we'll get over whatever challenges we may be having now. We're all adults now and we know that the courtship stage doesn't go on forever. We're mature enough to know that relationships also mature over time. The heart-thumping, breath-taking, "electrifying" moments we experienced during the courtship stage will soon give way to moments of adjustments, facing issues, encountering conflicts and growing together. All of which are realities that relationships have to go through. Still, a part of me believes that the magic both partners felt during courtship could be sustained all through the years. Both partners just have to work at it and be creative about it... I wish such a relationship for each of us. The kind of relationship not only where there is love, commitment and deep respect but also one that is fun and exciting.

Hey Alex, it sure was fun seeing you again. Hope you'll come visit again soon. And guys, thank you so much for the fun time we've had. Thanks for the friendship =) Only wish Dane could have joined us then. Lourdes too =)