On cravings, pregnancy and loving

Craving for a tall glass of ice cold cola drink. Hmm... does that make sense at all? It seems a little late into this pregnancy to have some cravings. But yes, surprisingly, I'm having a lot of those these days. I must be making up for not having gone through such a phase early on in my pregancy he-he-he.

Hmm... looking back, indeed, I did not pass through any "paglilihi" stage. My little one seems to be very considerate :) Either that or I'm being rewarded a good Karma for trying my best not to be of inconvenience to anyone... I did not go through any vommitting phase, of not being able to eat well, of thinking garlic and onion have "disagreeable" smell... Well, at least that's how my own mom and some friends related to me their own pregnancies... My mom even told me I was such a difficult baby to have. Told me she had not eaten any decent meal during her first trimester with me since she could not take the smell of any cooked food... I wasn't so unlucky.

I think, being vegetarian is the reason for it. Come to think of it, my little one is so lucky, he came when my body is at its tiptop shape. I've been vegetarian for almost three years when he was conceived. I was also always active, getting myself involved in various physical pursuits -- runs, race, kayaking,trekking, climbing, including exercising consistently... I guess I could say my body was quite prepared when I got pregnant.

More than three years ago, B and I made a commitment to keep each other healthy. While we did that without having a baby in mind, I'm glad that we made such a commitment then. Since I'm definitely reaping the benefits now... I hope my little one is too.

Fear. Uncertainty. I'm having a good share of them lately. I'm not sure if it is just hormones talking or what. But I sure have some worries about my upcoming "delivery." Not so much for me but for my little one. I want him so badly. And I want him alive, well, normal and healthy. I don't normally ask for anything specific everytime I pray -- trusting that God knows exactly what my needs are -- but these days, I've been praying really hard to have that and a safe and normal delivery. Both for my sake and baby's.

Actually, that is one of the reasons for my taking the lamaze class. The class represented something "solid" to grasp on to while I wallow in the uncertainty of having to deliver a life into this world. I know the class will help me put everything in perspective. Aside from the fact that I'm sure the class will also add some "more" value to the intimacy that B and I share. I know doing the class together will make us closer than we already are. It will also make "my" pregnancy something that he and I both share... Oh he is involved alright. I could not ask for a more attentive, concerned husband that B is to me. If, as a boyfriend he treated me like a princess, in my pregnancy, he treated me like a queen. I have no reason to complain really...

Someone said to me last week that love begets love. Indeed it does... Everytime B shows me how sincere he is in his concern for me and my well-being, I can't help but want to return the regard too. And vice-versa. It never ends really... Thank you so much B, for everything. For holding my hand as I learn, unlearn, and relearn everyday the real meaning of love and self-giving.

Lamaze Class

With our "instructor," Alex

Hmm... how time flies. Before we knew it, we are already down to our last session in class. For three weekends, we had gone to learning about the exercises, learning about pregnancy and delivery, and well, learning about mine and B's "fears" when it comes to "our" giving birth real soon.

Higlights: I was real surprised in encountering a former college classmate and a friend of a friend attending the class too as a couple. Suprised but definitely not displeased :) Jeanette Lee was a former classmate way back computer science days in Ateneo. Lemuel was a friend of another classmate of ours back then too. While Lemuel was frequently hanging out with our other classmates then (since they were classmates in high school), it still was surprising to see Jeanette and Lemuel together. I'm thinking, they hardly exchanged a word then and now they're married?! He-he-he But I sure was happy to see familiar faces attending the same class :)

Highlight No. 2 was when we had a tour of the delivery facility back at Brok. At one point, we took turn lying on the delivery table hehehe to get a feel of things. It was fun. We started by changing into hospital gowns and traded our shoes with slippers that the hospital provided. The hubby's had on a scrub suit. Since it wasn't the real thing yet, we just donned on the gowns and suits on top of what we're wearing. Next, they showed us the labor and lamaze rooms. There were already 8 persons there who were on labor. They appeared pretty relaxed to me and some were even eating. (?! or was mistaken?), So probably, they were still at their early phase of the labor. We then entered the delivery room. Luckily, it wasn't in use yet so we had it all to ourselves. That's when we took turns lying there with a bean bag on our back. Personally, I find the bean bag helpful. I think it will do a lot of good when the "pushing" time comes... Hmmm... I'm going on here as if what I'm talking about is just an ordinary thing and not something I would be experiencing with some pain.

Pain. There would be a lot of that alright. But our "teacher" was good in pointing out that the pain involved is really "protective" in nature and that it really is a part of the entire process of giving birth. That is why she encourages us to "ride" with the pain. Hm...embrace the pain. I'm wondering if I could do that given all the horror stories I've heard about giving birth. But for sure, I will definitely try my best to make it easy for my little one. I wouldn't want to put him in much undue stress just because I was too overwhelmed with the pain I'm feeling. But yeah, I'm also realistic enough to know that it's really too early for me to go on talking about what I "intend" to do when the time finally comes... After all, giving birth is a very personal experience. It is an experience that would be unique for every person... Ah... may all be well, for me and my little one. I pray that I would be brave as I normally am...

As for being brave, one of the highlights of the lamaze experience was in having to watch B agonize while watching the video showing we had on normal and ceasarian delivery. He really could not take the whole thing that he was constantly cowering behind my back and covering his eyes. I was comforting him all through out the film showing he-he-he poor B. At one point he looked at me imploringly and said he probably could not accompany me when my time would come. It was too much for him. That had me thinking. I always knew of his fear of hospitals and seeing blood, first hand. Yeah, one would look at B and wouldn't know that he had such fears. He always seemed carefree, adventurous and without a care in the world. But believe me, there are certain things that truly unnerve him.

I am torn between wanting to free him from the "obligation" of accompanying me althrough out the entire ordeal and wanting him to be by my side then. We had always been partners in everything. And labor is definitely a milestone for me. There are just too many at stake and too many uncertainties. If it's only my life that is at stake, I really do not mind facing it alone. But with our little one to consider, I definitely want to have a familiar face around by then. But most especially, I want to have B by my side, holding my hand. Even now, as we talk about it everyday, I know he's psyching himself up for it. I know like me, he is torn too -- torn between wanting to be there for me and wanting to give in to his fear. I know his is not a decision to make either but then again... Haaay. I know all will be well...

Ah, wait! I almost forgot to write about the highlights of all highlights of the class... It's B and I either lying side by side or head to head (depending on the size of the mat we would bring for the session hehehe) as we do the exercises together. It's him, holding me by the hand while helping me focus as I execute the breathing exercises. It's him and I smiling at each other's eyes and enjoying our moment together...

A Circus Baby and a Delighted "Spectator"

Last night, we had a "practice session" on our "Lamaze Exercises" at home. Actually, I was too tired to do anything much but I had quite a strict "coach/partner" who sees to it that I do my assignments... When I would execute an exercise incorrectly, Bolo would frown and show me how it's supposed to be done! Huh! So there definitely was no cheating with him around... He's probably thinking, I insisted about taking the class so we'd better make good use of what we're learning from it... Which is actually a sound decision, considering I had to "beg" (err... coerce is more like it hehehe...) him so that he'd agree about our taking the class...

The exercises actually are quite easy to do but with my growing tummy and my being tired these days, a simple stretching exercise could have me sweating even before I fully execute it... Sigh... I can't help but think of the days when doing stretching exercises during our nightly runs, hardly requires any effort from me...

Anyway, despite the "discomfort" and some "inconveniences" this pregnancy has given me, I know I wouldn't trade this pregnancy for anything. What happened last night was one of those moments that really made me appreciate going through this particular experience.

As usual, I was just about to doze off when Little B started again with his... errr... nightly "performance" :) It's actually one of the things I look forward to at night. My tummy would rise and fall as Little B would go through his "sommersault routine" hehe. It amuses me to see this everytime, with my whole tummy "waving" in tune with my little one's movements.

Everytime this happens, I would take Bolo's hand and place it on my tummy so he could also feel the whole thing... The funny thing is, the movement would stop everytime. So Bolo would usually just feel a slight movement. Last night was different, however. It seems to me that our little one has finally decided to "show off" to his Tatay :)

As I placed Bolo's hand over my tummy, Little B's movements became more pronounced. He seems to be tromping all over the place :) Bolo then gave out a delighted and surprised yelp. It was like music to my ears hehehe. I know he was enjoying the whole experience. And I was right there along with him... I was glad for his sake... I know he was very much delighted by what is taking place and I was really happy for him...

Ah... what they're saying is true - the best things in life are free :)

On Spirituality

“Religion is a guy in church thinking about fishing. Spirituality is a guy out fishing thinking about God.”

Read this in today's devotional and I'm struck by it... I know it does not quite justify my not being that "religious" in going to church lately, unlike before where i don't usually let a day pass without attending mass... but I find comfort in the above phrase... God knows where my heart lays and what my longings are...

These days are tough. Everyone I know - including myself - seems to be short of cash these days. There's just too many bills to pay and the cost of everything just seems to have ballooned overnight. But everyday, we get by. With His help, we do manage to settle our obligations and meet our needs. Truly, He sustains us unconditionally. Just as He had promised... And I cling to this promise everyday... He is after all, the good provider... And he never fails, everytime... Thank you Father God.

The Other Side of the Coin

We had a spat. That is nothing new, actually. After all, our three-year relationship as “sweethearts” was marked by our constant quarrelling. While it’s obvious that we care so much for each other, there were differences that we could not really escape from. Differences that had often been the root of our constant bickering… Perhaps, if it had not been for the love, we must have broken up a long time ago… And yet here we are, married and all…

Even during our engagement, there were fights that came close to calling everything off… So I guess it’s easier to understand the fighting now… Especially now, when we’re living under the same roof… There’s bound to be some disagreements over preferences…

Come to think of it, living with Bolo is no different from being with him then. We had always been “truthful” to each other. In the course of our relationship, our “pa-cute” stage had only been very short. Bolo had always been the type of person who does not bother about any form of pretense. With him, what you see is what you get.

In the course of our relationship, I’ve seen the good and the worst side of Bolo. When he’s angry, he’s really angry and he says what he feels outright. No frills and sugar-coating with him. If he thinks you suck, he’ll tell you outright that you do. I don’t think he would be the type of guy who would break up with you and say, “It’s not you really, it’s me…” Yeah right! That kind of bullshit. With Bolo, there is no bullshitting. He is that “cruel” hehehe He had often hurt me in the past because of this attitude of his. But it is something that I appreciate about him too. At least, with him, I always know where I stand. It made it easier for me to be myself with him too, to express what I’m really feeling…

But there were times too when he is totally unreasonable. Times when in the course of his anger he would utter words that are uncalled for. It is at these times when he could hurt me so. Times when I would also often lash back. Usually, when he is at the height of his anger, I would just keep quiet. Not in a cowering, meek way though. Quiet in a watchful, defiant way. I usually would just bid my time. Let him steam off. I see no sense in meeting his temper head on. For sure, doing so would only lead to uglier things. So I would often just keep quiet. When he had finally said his piece and when I sense he’s no longer in a temper, that’s when I would point out to him what he did wrong too, etc. etc.

The other side of the coin… While there is no doubt that I regard Bolo as a beautiful person – how else would I fall in love with him in the first place and even consider sharing a life with him – there are also some aspects of him that are sometimes not that easy to accept or swallow. The “childlikeness” I love so much about him has another side to it too and that is his tendency to be childish. While it is so easy to love the Bolo who delights in the simplest of things, whose joy and enthusiasm is boundless, it is often difficult for me to deal with a Bolo who is stubborn, and sees things his way only. The times when he is being childish, that’s when I find it difficult to appreciate his person he-he-he I guess it’s understandable really. And our recent fight made me realize that while I find him beautiful enough to marry him, there would be times when he would be “unbeautiful,” and would prove difficult to deal with… Oh well, I guess I’ve always known that. It’s just that living under the same roof made the realities more glaring somewhat…

Beautifully flawed and scarred… That’s how Jeni, my best friend, calls us both when I get to talk to her about our recent “misunderstanding.” And we are definitely that. Both he and I have brought into our union some “ghosts” we had to contend with since childhood. As such, they really are not that easy to shake off… Time and again old issues would resurface in our dealings with one another. Like in his case, in having to say some uncalled for words… Everytime he does that and I get hurt in the process, I know it really is just one of his ghosts talking. Realizing that made me understand him and the situation better. But understanding does not mean though that I just accept everything he dishes at me even when they’re totally uncalled for or worse – not true at all…

I’m awake enough and have learned enough to know that all those labels that people pin down on us whether in anger or in their ignorance are not necessarily true. There was a time in my youth when I used to believe that they are true, especially when you hear them often enough. But since then, I have learned my lesson, learned to love myself more to know that I am not always what people think of me. So everytime he does that, I often would lash back. I’d tell him not to call me this or that since they are not true. Most of the time when I would do that, he would stop himself and keep quiet. Probably realizing too that I was right and that what he’s saying is totally uncalled for. That’s usually when he would start to mellow down, begin to reason with me… That’s when the discussion would begin.

During our conversation, I told Jeni that everytime Bolo and I fight, it is inevitable that tempers would rise and in the process we hurt each other by the things being said. Still, in the end all is well since it is obvious that we also make the effort to “fork” our way through the words that were said, pick up those issues that were valid and to learn from them. Having sifted through the words, we would realize where the other one is coming from, what his views and issues were. That’s when the understanding follows and the real “meeting half-way” begins. Often, it is not an easy process but we are getting there. In the end, it’s all about the love really. As I said, the personal ghosts we had to contend with had been with us since childhood. They are not that easy to shake off. That is why “relating” to each other would sometimes prove to be a “struggle.” While not always, there would be times when our differences would come into play and would often boil down to a conflict. And everytime that they do, it makes the relationship less “beautiful” and difficult to handle. This is where the commitment comes in – the commitment to stay despite all that and to work things out somewhat. It’s not always easy to “fork” through the “angry” words that were said during a fight. More often than not, it’s the “hurt” borne out of these words that lingers and not the issues that are being aired. That is why it is not always easy to be more “objective” than “subjective.” It’s a lot easier to “nurse” the hurt than to face the issues head on. But then again, which is more important?

Ah, being married is not a bed of roses alright. I’m learning that everyday. But guess what? I’m enjoying every bit of the ride as of the moment, even when the ride would prove bumpy and difficult. Know why? Because I get to learn a lot in the process. I get to learn more about me, about life, about being married… I also get to know more fully the person whom I chose to share my life with… and I get to grow in the process… getting me closer to the unfolding of my own truth… What could be more fulfilling than that?

Morning Bliss

Opened an eye and then two
Looked up to the heavens
Whispered my gratitude for another day,
Another blessing…

Then I turned to look at you
Still sleeping peacefully at my side
Stifled an impulse to reach out
But you stirred anyway

Turning to me with those sleepy eyes,
You do the reaching out
Engaged me in a hug,
Starting the ritual…

Whispered good mornings,
Exchange of smiles,
Then the quiet conversation begins…

Hmm… nothing quiet about the exchange of words but with the contentment those morning conversations bring, the word “quiet” comes to mind… For there is definitely that sense of calmness, of stillness… as if everything is aligned and well…

This morning, I prayed for the two of us. I said it in Visayan for his benefit. I was surprised at being able to express what I intended quite well. For someone with an English-tutored mind and whose medium of expression had always been in English, that was indeed quite a feat. And I told him so. I told him that with him, I learned to do just that. Then he countered by saying that with me, he had learned how to love… That rocked me to my very core. Even now as I sit here, I still get very much affected, remembering that little exchange… And now, the ability to truly express what I feel escapes me… But gratitude definitely is one of the things I’m feeling at the moment. Gratitude for life and the many blessings it holds…

Long-Distance Relationship

Nope, I’m not talking about mine and B’s temporarily being apart as of the moment. First and foremost, he’s already home since last Saturday, just in time for my being discharged at the hospital.

Yup, been in the hospital last week. Had a severe case of hyper-acidity that apparently led to another case of PTL. Translate that to – Pr-term Labor. The funny thing was, I didn’t know I was having PTL. I just attributed the pain and the weakness to the hyper-acidity attack. The good thing is, little B’s heartbeat proved to be steady and strong. He’s being monitored by the hour and hearing the steady heartbeat was somewhat reassuring. He sure is hanging on there quite well and I am truly grateful.

I’m still feeling somewhat weak and lethargic even as of the moment. I feel exhausted and tired. The advice had been complete bed rest but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do just that. On my third day in the hospital and I was already tearing at my hair out of boredom. There was TV and all but even that was not enough to quell the restlessness I was feeling. I was very eager to go home. On my second day, B was able to find a signal and contact me. I didn’t want to inform him lest he would worry. But I felt he ought to know too so I told him I am in the hospital. I was firm in telling him though, that he need not worry and go home since I’m fine. I assured him that both of his B’s are fine. I told him too not to worry lest he would not be able to concentrate much at work. And at the rate that they are doing – enduring the rain and all – I didn’t want him distracted. It could very well mean his safety.

But I should have known nothing could keep him away from coming home. I was waiting for my doctor’s advice, fully dressed up (making it clear that I was dead-set about going home) when the door opened and there he was smiling sheepishly. Even without his backpack, he still very much look like he had come from the mountains he-he-he. But it was still lovely being able to look at his face finally. I scowled at him and asked about his work. He reassured me that everything is well and that his guests will spend the remaining days in Samal instead. When I told him he shouldn’t have bothered to come home, he smiled sheepishly and told me he had been waiting for the slightest excuse to come home. He had really been terribly homesick since their third day there and no amount of assurance could have kept him away.

Being apart had taught me a lot of things. For one, it tore me away from my dependency dramas he-he-he. I found out I could very well go home on my own, look for my own food when hungry, buy vitamins on my own, etc. etc. I could manage all these things without having to rely on him… While I’m still looking for the “comfort” that being fussed over brings, I feel humbled at being made to face that, dependency dramas notwithstanding, I could very well stand on my own two feet.

But it is not this kind of long-distance relationship that I have intended to write about in the first place. I just realized that somewhere along the way, I have distanced myself from one of the most important relationship I’ve ever had – that with my God.

Last weekend, adhering to the bed rest advice, I laid in bed most of the time. To while my time away, I read some magazines and books. At one point, I found myself being glued to the television, watching MTV. It’s one of those segments wherein they feature some local artist or band. At that time, they had on Barbie Alamabis. During the show, she would sometimes talk about her relationship with Him. She exudes nothing but positive vibe. I recognized the feeling. I identified with it. There was once a time I had exactly been like that – so in love and so awed by Him that you simply can’t stop yourself from sharing how He had created such an impact in your life. When she sang their new song, “Buildings,” my heart was totally wretched. It dawned on me that somewhere in the pit of my being, I am nursing a longing and an emptiness so big. At this point in my life, I am having a “distant” relationship with my God. Oh, I still go to church though not as frequently as before… But it’s the “connection” that I miss more than anything. If before, the relationship had been so established, right now, I could not claim that it is… I don’t know. Maybe the chasm is being created, and is becoming bigger everyday, by my not being able to attend prayer meetings for months now… Oh, how I yearn to go. Every Friday, I would dress up in the morning with the intention of going but something would always come up. Either that or I have no one to accompany me. Neither B nor Mama is keen about going and in my present condition, I couldn’t very well go on my own.

If B’s absence had made such an impact, for sure it is nothing compared to the “separation” I’m experiencing now. While I still nurture a great love for my God who had never failed to sustain me, it is different still, somewhat. Just as every relationship, in order to truly nurture it, it needed some semblance of “togetherness” where the persons sharing the relationship are spending some time together, exchanging thoughts, ideas, love… I long to profess again the love I have for Him, to tell Him how much I appreciated all the things He has done for me. He had given me the desires of my heart, even before I knew they were what I truly desire. Everyday He sustains not only me but my love ones as well. Every night, while I lay in the cradle of the one whom He had gifted me with, I can’t help but be grateful for all the contentment I’m enjoying in my life at the moment. I long to feel the familiar stirrings again, when my heart would sing and soar at being in His presence… It’s difficult to express really. It’s something that I know not everybody could identify with…

Missing B

It's been more than a week. I've been getting by fine even without him. The first day had been the hardest. It was tough facing the end of my day at work without him showing up so we could go home together. Seeing each other at the end of the day had been a ritual we had closely adhered to, even early on in our relationship. We had kept at it even now. That first day, my tears fell like rain hehehe I couldn't help it. It also did not help when he texted me right on the time he would have fetched me to inform me he had already arrived at their destination. He was texting me his usual reminders -- not to walk alone, take a ride in fetching Mama, etc. etc. It made his absence all the more glaring.

But after that first day, I had managed to get on by quite fairly. Work kept me busy and I try not to think of him when it's finally time to go home. It's being at home that sometimes proved to be tough. The house just seemed too empty without him...

Ah... miss you B. Hope everything is fine at your end. Ingat lagi.

Blowing Kisses in the Wind

Blowing kisses in the wind,
Hoping they'll find their mark.
Blowing kisses in the wind,
bidding them to travel the distance
that separates me from you.
To hold you,
Watch you while you sleep,
Touch your hair and smoothen
them back from your temple,
mouthing good mornings,
exchanging smiles,
a quick hug before sluggishly
rising out of bed,
shared laughter,
quiet conversations,
Your hand touching mine,
all these would have to wait...
So for now, I'm blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing they'll hit their mark...
Blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing you'll feel them too...
Ingat ka rin lagi, B.

He's Leaving Me

I lay beside him, already in my office get-up, trying to fight back the tears... At the other side of him are his mountaineering stuff and supplies -- some neatly piled up while others are thrown haphazardly about. I was giving him last minute reminders, running through my mental checklist of what he should be bringing with him in his 15-day "mountaineering engagement."

It would be the first time since we got married that we are to be separated for this long. Oh, there were several weekends when he had to leave me for similar concerns but this is to be the longest yet. And it just occured to me that this is the first time that he's going to a climb without me. Preparing our stuff and supplies used to be a shared responsibility and activity. We usually would have to decide what goes into my bag and his. The heavy stuff goes into his (hehehe)while the lighter ones goes into mine. But I do have my share of carrying our supplies too. I usually would be allotted one or two kilos of rice along with the other lighter grocery stuff. Still, his bag would be much bigger and would stand towering over my much smaller backpack. Ah, those were the days...

I reiterated to him that I've already prepared his shoes, his mess kit, etc., etc. I insisted on his bringing with him the little supplies I've put together. Being semi-vegetarian had always posed a problem. We usually would have to bring our own supplies and groceries since we couldn't impose on our meat-eating friends to adopt a semi-vegetarian menu for the entire duration of our out-of-town trips and climbs. Lately though, they have made some allowances for us thus reducing the amount of vegetables he would have to carry with him hehehe. He told me I need not worry since he was informed that the group he will be with will be adhering to a no-meat menu. I still insisted, telling him he could not take any chances. There are, after all, no grocery stores in the mountains.

With reluctance, I stood up to leave. Any minute longer and I would be late for the office. I tried to appear nonchalant. I know it's difficult for him also. He had been dubious about going on the trip since he thought it too long. But then again, business is business. And he had to go. If I would give in to the tears, I know it would be difficult for him to leave too so I forced on a smile. He had his own set of reminders too for me -- not to go home late, be with Mama in going home as much as possible... He reminded me to attend the meeting for the Kayaking club on Wednesday... And most importantly, to take care of "ourselves" and no "laag" while he is gone. He told me he will be texting me. Well, there is indeed some signal on some parts of the trail. I know this for a fact, myself. I told him not to forget to pray constantly and that he take care of himself too. I asked him to make a little prayer of "request" when he gets to the peak for our "little project" come November or December :) Haay, I'm fighting the tears, even now. I miss him even now. Good Luck B. Hope you'd enjoy your stay there somewhat. Say hello to that great mountain for me. I miss being in her midst, myself. Take care always and Godspeed.

Love on the Long Haul

I'm borrowing the above title to today's edition of the Daily Devotional, which is an off-shoot from the famous book, "Purpose Driven Life." Today's devotional talked about marriage and comparing that of Jesus' marriage to us -- the Church -- his bride. It pointed out that with us as His bride, Jesus somewhat got shortchanged for all our flaws and imperfections, not to mention our tendency to be unfaithful to Him through our actions... It also pointed out how today's marriages seem to disolve at the least possible excuse. A little problem encountered and the couple call it quits. That easily. The devotional went on to say that even the best of relationships go through some difficulties and trials...

I am remembering all of these since just a little while ago, taking a little breather from work, some officemates and I got to talk about marriage. Well, lately, I had often gotten teased and is often the butt of joke being the "newly wed" in the office. It is a usual scene to have an officemate or two "scaring" me by telling me some "horror stories" about being married. This afternoon was no different. We got to talk about jealousy and infidelity. It was actually just all fun. We were teasing an officemate who had quite a jealous wife. And as expected, the conversation turned to me. I was asked if I am the jealous type and whether I have reached a point where I quarelled with B or another woman out of jealousy... Everything was just light-hearted conversation, nothing malicious or anything. But it sure had me thinking when someone said that B and I would certainly be undergoing such trials. I immediately rebuked the person but it sure had me thinking.

Every night, when I pray, I always include a little prayer that He protect B and I from any form of temptation... I am observant enough to know that temptations indeed abound and that many marriages have been shaken and broken because of it. It would be hypocritical of me if I'd say I did not have any such fears... I do have them. But deep down, really, I don't entertain such thoughts. Oh, I do have some qualms everytime B is out travelling somewhere. Aside from fearing for his safety, I also fear whether he would figure out in some "fidelity tests" while away from me. And yet, seeing how we are to each other, somewhat erases such doubts. I don't know what awaits us in the future. All I know is that at this moment in time, I could honestly say that we have such high regards and love for each other. I don't see also any point in living constantly in fear of something that is yet unknown and have no certainty of ever happening...

Getting married is indeed different. And it is not helping when you get other people telling you what to expect out of it or what horrors to expect you have to face in some distant future... As for B and I, we're taking it a day at a time. For the moment, we're still treating each other as friends, as buddies, like we used to. Oh there are adjustments alright but there are good moments too. Like how nice it is to finally be waking up next to each other. Or of having to watch the other sleep, not quite believing we're finally sleeping next to each other... It brings forth a feeling of contentment...

Contentment. I often got a glimpse -- from observing my married friends -- into the truth behind why marriage is being coined "paglalagay sa tahimik." Living it firsthand now, I am beginning to understand it more fully. Horror stories notwithstanding, getting married has more than its share of merits. Quiet conversations, moments of self-discovery and affirmation... It is love on the long haul alright... It is taking your love for each other on a much deeper level. Everyday, these days, I get to learn more of me in the area of loving, giving, making adjustments and some sacrifices... I'm learning about how deeply still I could feel and give for the persons that I love...

Letter to my Little B

Busy. Nanay is busy and with many concerns yet. And I mourn the fact that you have to come at a time like this. How I wish I could just sit still and revel in this experience, Anak. For it truly is a wonder, your being there, of my body nourishing another being which is you. It seems hard to grasp that all of a sudden, there you are, growing steadily in my womb. And I want to give you my utmost attention, to communicate with you, to tell you that I “feel” you and that I am grateful for your coming into my life. But as it is, there are a lot of concerns that needed my attention at work, Anak. The projects I’m handling are having some difficulty taking off and it needed all of my attention… And there are other concerns too…

Ironically, I couldn’t do any traveling too, which could have greatly helped me address the problems at the project site. But I could not, since “our” doctor specifically forbid me to do any traveling – for your sake. It seems Anak, you’re such a delicate baby. And I stand to lose you if I do not take care of myself well.

Well, Anak, nanay is such a workaholic. Work is my life. It helps me define who I am. It is not helping that I find so much meaning in what I do. That is why I am so used to giving the most of me into this job that I have. When you came, a lot of things changed for me. First, my body changed. My energy level seems to have somewhat lessened. If in the past, I had so much enthusiasm to tackle my work, I became quite lethargic. As a result, Nanay is now faced with a lot of catching up to do. Ah, so much to do and so little time to do it with. And I’m torn between wanting to bury myself in work again and simply wallowing in the experience of having you.

 At the moment, I am asking myself if I could have both – dedicate myself to work and at the same time, enjoy my experience of you. Ah, I smile now at having to face this question even now. I know that the more it’ll be difficult when you would finally be born because by then, I could not just trust that my body will take care of all that you need, as long as I just eat and sleep on time, take my vitamins and follow our doctor’s advice. As it is, I haven’t been eating and sleeping well. Nanay seems to have difficulty adjusting to the changes in my body. When you would finally be born, your needs would be immediate and you would entirely be dependent on me. I know that the dilemma I’m facing now would be doubled by then…

Little b – your Tatay and I call each other B and we both regard you as our little b :)– having you had set a lot of things in motion in Nanay’s life. All of a sudden, Nanay had to do some adjustments and some changes. There were a lot of decisions to be made. And I’m having difficulty learning to strike a balance between all the things that I used to value in the past and you. I pray that you won’t take it that Nanay is sorry that you came. Far from it. The only thing I’m sorry about is that I could not devote all of my time with you. Having you is an experience I would have wanted to revel in with such passion. Nanay have several passions in life, Anak – work, the mountains, nature, writing… life in itself is Nanay’s passion. That is why I find it ironic that here you are, an experience that is more than life itself and yet, I could not enjoy it fully because of the other concerns I have…

Having you, partly scares Nanay, Anak. Since I wanted so much to make everything right for you. If it is inherent in Nanay, to give her best at what I do, the more I feel that I ought to be the best for you. But Nanay is also not perfect, Anak. I know that time and again I would be committing some mistakes, err in some of the judgments I may be making. At the moment, Nanay is still learning a lot of things about myself. I am still very much in the process of my own becoming.

 Everyday, Anak, Nanay is learning to find herself, learning to strike her balance as she learns to tread the path towards her own perfection. And here you are, another being I would have to be responsible for also. Please be understanding, should Nanay be less than what you expect her to be. I don’t know what made you chose me and your Tatay to be your parents. I don’t know what strengths and weaknesses you have seen in us that you believe would be instrumental to your own becoming.

Nanay and Tatay, each of us, have some sets of learning in life, Anak. We hope to impart them with you in the future. But please understand that we are individuals too, each of us have our set of issues to deal with. Our past might greatly affect how we will be bringing you up, Anak. So please be extra understanding. One thing is clear though. Nanay and Tatay love each other well. Out of that love, we had made a choice to experience life together. Then you came amidst all that. We look forward to sharing that life with you. In Nanay’s case, I look forward to discovering myself amidst this new experience.

 I love you, Anak, more than I could fully comprehend. While I could not promise to make all things right for you, please bear in mind that all the decisions I would be making, would always be in consideration of you, and out of the love that we have for you. I pray that you, Tatay and I may have a wonderful life together. May we always be devoted to helping each other achieve each of our own good…

"Tying" the Knot (Affirming a Commitment)

The invitation. Made of handmade paper and sinamay. B and I made the invitations all by ourselves. It was pretty tiring (that is why we were not able to give everyone, one hehe sorry guys) but I appreciated the fact that we were both working on it together. But I particularly liked the fact that I did not have to urged B to do it with me. Minsan siya pa nauunang gumawa.

He had to leave for Mati for the adventure race he was participating in (Which scared the h--- out of me, btw! I feared so much for his safety. Whe his teammates texted me while they were there, I texted back -- "Please take care of Bolo, bring him back to me alive, safe and whole." hehehe) and one of the last things he told me was to go ahead with the printing so he could take care of the "assembling" of the invitations by the time he got back.

It wasn't just in making the invitations that B took part it. Even in the girlie stuff -- like the dress, seeing to it that the bridesmaids and the flowergirls have their fitting on time... buying the ribbons and other materials we needed, seeing to it that all the necessary documents are in tact, checking out the possible venues for the reception, everthing... It made me feel... well, cherished. His being actively a part of it also made me realize he was really into the whole thing. One again, he made me feel that we really do have a partnership, that we're indeed a team in everything that we get ourselves into as a couple... Thanks B.


Some stuff. Embracing couple in the middle. Thanks, Dan :)

Deciding on the giveaways wasn't that difficult, but it wasn't that easy either. A miniaturized Mt. Apo was a given. It had to be considering my affinity for this great mountain. And the fact that well, it represents our hobby and love for nature, as well. But, not everyone that we knew and will be inviting to the wedding -- not to mention, respective families -- are mountaineers and so... Thus
the concept of the "embracing couple." Thanks to Dani and everything went so smoothly :)


Bah! Do I really have to pose this way? :(

I had to endure a lot of "posing" for photographs after I had my make-up done. I had always loved the camera but only when I'm behind it and not the one in front of it. I would have preferred it have they just taken some candid shots. But nope, they had to tell me to do this, pose this way and that way hehehe There was even one where they had me pose like "Marina" in the middle of the bed. Huh! I truly wondered why I had to do that! Couldn't possibly post that one here! hehehe But I understood that they were just doing their job.


This one shot, however, by Gary I really liked. The boquet came late. It was understandable since Dane had been on top of coordinating everything (Bless her! I could never repay her! Salamat Dane). And when I saw it, I immediately fell in love with it.


Hmm...

Prior to the big day, Dane and I had been discussing what particular flowers to choose for the boquet. Being sentimental, I told her I preferred white roses. A bunch of them hehe But from her experience, she told me roses would not do since they wilt quite easily. She had had several suggestions from Kahlalili's to anthuriums. But green anthuriums was not in season so it wasn't an option. Being stubborn, I insisted on the white roses. I like the "sentimentality" they represent he-he-he :) But I let her have her way :) I'm glad I did. Lysianthus, was a good choice -- white with just a hint of green in them... And it was a gift from Dane, nonetheless. I knew it cost her quite a lot he-he


Baba na tayo? :)


Bababa na...


And so, the bride floats down the stairs... Followed closely by the groom hehe


Hmmm...


Waiting for my ride, downstairs...


B's ride. We changed in separate rooms and went to the church separately too. This ride wouldn't do for me. Why? The hair! My hair and make-up that is, he-he

At the Church


Bolo: Pwede na? Do I look the part already? hehe


The Ocampo's and the WAMOCs :) Before the Ceremony.


Some of the Flowergirls and their "Guardians" hehe. Candy's little girl,Asia (center) with Luz's Tame and Sharon's Katha :)


The Bestman :)


:)


The aisle.


The set-up.


The altar.

Nice church huh? What could be a better alternative to holding your ceremony on top of Apo than on St. Francis? hehehe It's like bringing in the outdoors :) Good thing Fr. Lord is a mountaineer and a friend of Bolo's.

And the Ceremony Has Begun...


Pretty Ces.

Truly happy Cecille became a part of the whole thing. There was a miscommunication. I thought she was out of the country. Good thing Ivy informed me that she's not and that Leah couldn't make it to the ceremony due to a seminar in Cebu! :)


Peter and Renee


Dong and Suzette


Eric and Jonie


Benjie and Lucille


Nino and Rhea


Norman and Loren


Vince and Joanne


Jay and Melai O, totohanan na ba to? :)


Ehem... hehehe Stephen and Bambie


KC. Jean Radoc's little girl. Galing nito, sya lang talaga natira up until that little ceremony at the start of the reception. Yung iba, nagbihis na or nagliliwaliw na. Di na maasahang mag-participate. Galing ni Radoc mag-coach! hehe


Baby Janine (at the back). Walking straight ahead without throwing any flowers! hehehe Buti na nga lang naglakad pa! :) Jeni's little Towi did not at all. Came to church in diapers hehe Haay, mana talaga sa nanay hehehe


Lourdes' little girl, Nishka :)


Janlyn


B1 and B2


Kent Raymund


The Maid of Honor -- Pretty Jeni.


O, Ma, Hwag nang umiyak :( Kaw rin Mama Fely :(


Thanks B :)

During the Ceremony


Nice angle.


The groomsmen. Ampopogi hehe


The Bridesmaids. Ang se-sexy naman :)


During the ceremony O, umiiyak ka Bam? :)


The rest of the WAMOCs. hehehe O sinong susunod sa inyo ha? hehehe


Pretty Val. Thanks Val! :)


Cute Mary Anne :)


Nice dress, Chon! :)


O, ba't kaya ako umiyak dito? nagsisisi ba? hehehe joke lang B :)


With Nonon and Anne. Thanks, Anne :)


Amen. To the commitment, to the life and future we're facing together...


Tayo na B? Bakit, i-ki-kiss mo na ako B? Hehe


Sealing our commitment -- signing our contract and sharing some laughs with Father.
Fr. Lord: O, pati ba pirma mo Bolo, pormang bundok pa rin?


Now, sealing the commitment in a much nicer way =)


Bolo: He-he-he Ok na! :)

Picture, Picture!


:)


With Fr. Lord He gave such a nice Homily; about how much married life is just like mountaineering -- it involves self-sacrifice and perseverance...


The Ninongs


The Ninang's


Hello Katha :) Some of the flower girls playing around after the ceremony.


The bridesmaids with the maid of honor and some of the flower girls. The others had been running about already. (First row: KC, Katha, Janlyn; 2nd row: Jeni, Lucille, Mae, Melai, Us, Rhea, Christine, Bambie and Loren; Backrow: Joan, Suzette, Jonie, Renee and Cecille.)


The entourage.


The entourage again.


My Family. Hehehe, dami noh?


Our Friends.


The AMOC's :) Katha, Us, Sharon, Renee, Joan, Deneb, Luciano, Cecille, Bambie)


Heto yung pinakabida! Asus! :) Obvious ba? nabibigatan ako sa boquet ko? hehe Thanks for the boquet Dane :) Really nice =)


Arriving at the Reception


:)


Whew! Kapagod! Waiting downstairs Las Terrasas Clubhouse for the Program Proper to start. Gutom na! hehe


Bolo: Gutom na talaga kayo?! ;) Seated: Norman, Benjie, Dong, Bolo, Myself and Jeni; At the back: Ployploy, Vince and Eric


Amidst the bubbles


And puff it goes!


My DSM Family. Taken when most of the guests have already gone. Mamay, Chonita Uy, Anne, Manny, Melai, Te Jean, Ms. Bing, Us, Tony, Richard, Marissa, Jen R. and her three kids, Chona B. Thanks for coming guys and for all the help =)