Close To You

My head's actually throbbing right now but i'm feeling pretty content. I have just finished with that report I've been slaving over for the past three days. I actually had to wake up at 4 a.m. this morning just so I could get it over and done with. After accomplishing almost 1/3 of the report and feeling confident I could manage to finish the whole thing at the office, I saved the file in a diskette, took advantage of what's left of the dawn and dozed off a bit.

When I arrived at the office this morning, at exactly 5 minutes after I opened my computer, an officemate quite nicely managed to overwrite everything. As in everything. So I had to redo and rewrite everything, reducing my sacrifices this morning to nothing. I was half-tempted to go home and retrieve my file. I considered calling B at home and have him dictate to me the whole thing but that would be like waiting forever till he manage to retrieve it, if ever he would. He totally hates messing with my files. Thankfully, all of that is behind me now. Right now, I'm taking a bit of a breather from technical writing to do this instead...

Hmm... a lot had happened the past weeks but I had never really gotten around to writing about them as I was busy meeting deadlines. For starters, about two weeks ago, B and I finally managed to watch a movie together. That would be like after almost a year of not being able to. The last movie we watched had been, "A Very Long Engagement." It was an interesting movie and we sure had lots of fun watching it. I had no idea that it would also take a "loooong" time before we'd manage to watch one again.

B had been consistent about taking his Saturdays off. That would be his time for himself, to spend as he pleases - be it with friends or taking care of his business in Tagum. My "days off" are supposed to be the whole work week. He encourages me to linger out a bit after office hours so I could have some time for myself. But that would be like impossible since I had to consistently hurry home in order to nurse baby on time. Either that or I'm too beat at the end of work that I'd rather be home resting than elsewhere. So on that particular Tuesday night, I was deadset about watching a movie.

We are not exactly "single" sweethearts anymore so we could not flit and go as we pleased. I had to express some milk to make sure baby won't be left hungry should we not make it in time for his next feeding, etc., etc. We actually had to race for time. With that in mind, it was almost impossible to express enough milk for one feeding. I don't know what it is with ... err... "bossoms" hehehe They simply do not "yield" just when you're in a hurry to express some milk. But when you're in no hurry at all? You'd be surprised at how much you can come up with. Anyway, when I could not come up with a "substantial" amount of milk, B readily declared to cancel the date. That drew dagger-looks from me. I was about to launch into a lengthy dialogue about why it should be easy for him to take a day off and difficult for me (of course it's because I'm breastfeeding!) when he immediately appeased me and said that there will be no cancelling. Thankfully, the "bossoms" finally cooperated and off we went.

We watched, "Close To You," as baduy as that may sound hehehe The other choice would have been, "Brokeback Mountain" but in truth, it was just the break I'm looking for. I wanted something light that we both could relax in. It turned out to be a good choice since it was worth seeing him being giggly while watching some "kilig" scenes. It totally surprised and amused me. All the while I was thinking he would find the whole thing boring. We are after all way past the "courting" age to appreciate such a movie. We also appreciated the "travelling" part of the movie. It reminded us of the good old days. Our relationship, after all, had been built on all those travels we had had.

We made it in time for the "just-before-the-last-full-show" screening which is a good thing since it meant we'll be home early. When we entered the cinema, Bolo teased me. He told me that now that we're already married and are no longer sweethearts, we could sit far apart from each other. I took it to heart. So while we are seated side by side, I shrank to the farthest side of my seat to avoid leaning towards him. Thirty minutes into the picture, he surprised and made me laugh when he turned to me and said, "Hug-hug naman tayo B." That remark sure got the better of me. I almost laughed out loud from sheer mirth.

It's funny really if one considers it. When you're still sweethearts, it would seem that you could not get enough of each other even though you see each other everyday. It would seem that you're always running out of time. Often, this leads to the decision of marriage. You just want to spend most of your days with this significant other. And so you get married. Ironically, when you're finally married, some of that magic seem to die down. Funny.

I'm not saying that Bolo and I changed overnight. Oh we are still "sweet" to each other. We still enjoy intimate conversations with each other. And we still show our care for each other. It's just that the "urgency" we felt before is no longer there. In the past, everytime he would fetch me from the office to accompany me home, we would hate the thought of having to part again later. The thought of always having to part at the end of the day lends some "poignancy" to the relationship. The "could-not-get-enough-of-each-other" urgency is something that was always hanging over our heads. That is why it was understandable also how we would "delight" in the littlest of excuse to be physically in-touched with each other then, like holding hands and all that mushy stuff.

Marriage erases that particular element. Should we want to be physically in touched with each other, we would only have to turn and face the other, stretch out our hand and viola! It's that easy. Everywhere you turn, the other is sure to be there. Still, a part of me wants to argue. I am remembering those moments when B would turn to me in the morning, snuggle to me and say, "Ahh... this is what's good about being married..."

I'm suddenly realizing, I am already married! hehehe Like it has not quite sunk in yet, huh? :) It seems only yesterday when Bolo and I are still sweethearts and delighting in what we're feeling towards each other. Sweet and poignant, fiery and exciting. That was how our relationship as sweethearts had been. Most of the time it was fun and exciting as we share the same passion for travel and adventure. It was also both sweet and poignant because of the "uncertainty" that plagued the beginning of our relationship. For now, some of that has changed a bit. And I'm realisitic enough to know that it'll continue to change years down the line.

Hmm... I'm remembering a particular moment we shared the other night. He asked me to accompany him in washing the dishes. It was almost midnight and he feels insecure about lingering in the kitchen on his own. I was already sleepy so I asked him if it's alright if I lean on him from behind so I could sort of "doze off" while he's washing the dishes. I could have just sat there. But maybe I was making an excuse to be close to him as it had been quite a long day. Each of us were swallowed by our individual concerns that day that we rarely had time for the other. The leaning-hugging-bit was an excuse to "reconnect." I was glad when he obliged me. Half-way through I asked him if he does not think me a bother. He replied not. Then I pointed out this is not a bother yet since we're still "newly" married. I said that years down the line being "so close" would begin to become less exciting. He replied matter of factly that we would have to find ways to make it exciting. He said maybe there would be days when we would "disappear" from each other. I told him that won't be too difficult since both our jobs often take us travelling... Then we just left it at that. We just continued enjoying the moment, quietly "reconnecting," finding each other again after racing about our individual concerns that day.

Our day does not usually end that way -- by "reconnecting." There are also days when it would end with me giving him dagger-looks, as if to say we'll continue arguing in the morning as we are both sleepy already... Or him turning away from me indicating that he'd rather sleep than argue with me, hehehe. But often, Bolo and I still enjoy the same "closeness" that we had as sweethearts. And I'm both thankful and "mindful" of that everyday.