We are One

“Mao ning panghitabo karon, ang mang-uuma wala na’y gikaon”*

I sat in the middle of the “peacetival” listening to a group of community peace advocates sing about the current plight of the farmers and I felt tears at the back of my lids threatening to fall at any moment. I can’t help but note the irony of it all. The very ones who toil so hard so that we could enjoy having food on our table have nothing to eat themselves.

Here we are, complaining sometimes at the increase of the prices of commodities. We complain about the hard times but we fail to think about the plight of the common farmers out there who had to toil so hard and yet hardly had food for themselves or their families.

I remember this one particular experience… Tatay and I were climbing Mt. Apo with a group of our friends. We had been walking all morning and it was already lunch time. We were famished, it had been a long walk and the sun was scorching. We were at the boulder part of the Kapatagan trail, close to the sulphur vents. The peak is in sight, but from experience, we knew it will still take us another three to four hours to reach it. Meaning, we would still have the whole afternoon of trekking ahead of us.

Wanting some rest and food, we settled on a spot close to a big boulder that is providing us some shade. There were six of us there as some were still on their way up to where we were. As we settled down to eat, I had to reproach Tatay for not praying. Holding up a piece of string bean (as vegetarians, that is what we had for lunch, adobong sitaw compared to our friends’ adobong manok hehehe) – I pointed out to him that it took some backbreaking days for some farmer before it found its way to our lunchboxes. It was all said in banter and we were all laughing at that time but I was dead serious about it. And so we prayed. We expressed our gratitude for every individual responsible for the food finding its way to us. We prayed that the energy from all of those individual acts would nourish not just our body but our spirit as well.

It would seem pretty “stuck up” I know, but how often do most of us take a lot of things for granted? We turn our blind eye on the little details just because we wanted to remain “cool,” “less-nerdy” and detached. But if there is one thing I learned, it’s that in the “circle of life,” there is no such thing as “detached.” We all belong to the same circle, we are one.

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*That is what is happening these days, farmers have nothing to eat...

Bread and Cheese (On Motherhood As Well)

“Di ako kain kanina Nay, nagcolor lang ako.”

When I heard this, I immediately hugged Baby out of pity. I felt so much for him. I figured (knowing full well his impatience when it comes to coloring) that he probably did not finish a coloring activity and thus was asked to finish it before given snacks. And by the time he had finished with the coloring (if he had), it was probably time to go already.

They are given free snacks in school. It is such a relief since it spares me the everyday task of thinking of suitable snacks for him, not to mention additional cost. And it is usually part of our everyday, “How-was-school-conversation” – what they had for snacks.

While I told him he ought to learn his lesson and finish his coloring so that he could eat along with his other classmates, my heart was actually breaking. Especially so when I learned he was the only one who was not able to eat. My heart broke again when he answered, “Bread and cheese” to my inquiry as to what his classmates had.

I knew he ought to learn his lesson about completing his tasks and yet, I feel somewhat bothered that he was made to feel left-out. That and the fact that he probably felt hungry by that time already.

It breaks my heart to picture him totally left out. It would have been better if he had another classmate with him… Arghh… Baby has really started with his journey. While I may want it differently, it is impossible for me to be with him every single second of the journey. I could only hold his hand at certain times. At this moment, it meant for the most part. But somewhere down the line, he would be all grown up and would be on his own… While I could insist to be always in the picture, I know I wouldn’t really dream of doing so. It is why I am adamant about “training” him, teaching him independence, giving him every opportunity to make use of his initiative… It is because I am preparing him well for the time when he would want to venture on his own… Now, why is my heart breaking at the thought?

If I could have my way, I would always want to be a part of his life. I would want to be a part of every milestone he may take. Not that I want to be in control of everything but that I would very much want him to ‘invite” me to be a part of it all… to share “almost” everything with me. If only as a confidant, a sounding board, a consultant, a friend… a person whose opinion he values the most…

I am now forced to look into my own relationship with my Mom. Do I invite her to be a part of my life? Or do I go my own way, insist on living my life my own way? Mama and I always have such phenomenal disagreements. And time and again it is always due to how she could be overly critical of everything. That and the tendency to just dwell on the negative, on the shortcomings and the worries. I love her very dearly and understand her most of the time but it had also been a constant wish that she sees past the negative… Mama is not quick with the praising. Sad, but I could not recall a single compliment coming from her. I would like to stress that all this is written in an “observing” manner. There is no censure or any bitterness for my part because certainly, while “very good! Well done!” might not be a part of her vocabulary, she is one of the most selfless person I have ever known. She always overextends herself… she would do everything she could for the persons that she loves… There is no tirelessness in her. Her demeanor when it comes to her family is always that of servitude. And for that I am and will forever be grateful.

I am just made to reflect on the being “overly-critical” part because it is the primary reason why I always hesitate to share with her my innermost thoughts or take steps at making her one of my confidants. It’s because I fear being criticized again or be misunderstood and be reprimanded instead of being encouraged… I wouldn’t want to have that with my son. I want him to see me as someone he could totally trust with anything. I want him to feel that he could be very raw with me, be at his worst and know full well that I love him no matter what. I know that this love I feel for my son is the same love that Mama feels for me though I may see it differently at times.

It takes reflecting on the matter to put everything in the right perspective. As always, writing and reflecting makes me understand things the more, and enables me to look at every situation objectively. Now, an earlier disagreement with Mama is slowly being devoid of its “sting.” I understand her more fully now. And I value her more fully now that I am a mother myself. Her being who she is – both the good and the “not-so-good” traits – is teaching me a great deal about being a mother. It is guiding me as to what I should aim to be, hope to be and work out to become…

Here’s a toast to all the mothers in the world. I know that while none of us may be perfect, nothing could ever compare to the kind of love we feel for our offspring. I think it’s a sliver of God’s love personified…

Organizational Skills

Baby is such a naughty three year old. It concerns me at times, observing how he derives so much amusement at making fun of people. By “people” I meant his lola’s, his cousins, his Tatay and myself. His laughter (which is so amusing in itself) would fill the house after he’d pull a prank at any of us. At times like this, I would tell myself how it all seemed so cute now, hearing his laughter, watching his face fully lit up by mirth because he’s still a three-year-old kid and looks totally adorable. How about when he is much older? Would I find it amusing by then?

And yet, on the other hand, there is also no denying how Baby is also displaying everyday how he is a responsible, dependable person. At his age, he is able to dress himself up everyday for school. He puts on his socks, shoes… insists on putting on his sando and buttoning up his polo. When he arrives home from school or from outside, he knows where to put his shoes or sandals, and where to look for a change of clothes. Also, I think one of the first words he ever uttered was “LAUNDRY” hahaha! After changing out of his clothes, he goes straight to the hamper with them. There were times when he gets distracted by play and would just drop everything but these cases are more of a rarity than the usual.

There was this incident one time wherein I was picking up after him in the car. He sometimes has this habit of spreading his toys in the backseat and play while we are mobile. At that time we were nearing our stop and I was in a hurry to get moving. He was coloring then and I immediately scooped up the box and placed it inside his backpack. He was probably watching me intently, noticing how I did not insist on his picking after himself. He scolded me – imagine that – and pointed out how the crayons should be placed at the outside pocket of his pack and not inside. He said that his extra clothes are there and might be soiled by the crayons. I felt sheepish and resolved not to let my work or appointments distract me least I would not be able to set a good example again.

The other day, he asked for some pretzels after spending half an hour at a kid’s playroom. I was hungry myself so I relented. Again, I was on my way to another appointment. I was distracted, my mind already getting ahead of me. I stopped short when he called after me and said, “Alcohol please Nanay, kain na ako.” (I want to eat already)

Earlier tonight as well, I was cleaning up the shoe rack and he was right beside me, excited with rediscovering his old slippers and shoes. When I noticed Tatay’s carelessly discarded used socks, I groaned out loud but did not say anything. I just continued with the cleaning. We found his old pair of Crocs and were in a “negotiation” mode as to whether or not we give them away to any of his cousins. Knowing him, he had attachments to his things. He is always loathe to part with them. I had to reason with him patiently why they would be put to good use when given away than just wasting away. At these moments, I am also somewhat reluctant to insist about giving them away. I feel that I also ought to honor his feelings. When he is really adamant about holding on to a thing, I would always let him have his way and yet firmly pointing out to him that he would have to part with it when he is already ready to let it go.

I was already preparing him for bed when the “socks incident” surfaced again. I was surprised to learn (though by now, I should have known better) how he seemed to notice everything. He suddenly said – “May isabi ako sa ‘yo Nay” (I have something to tell you, Nay) He then stood up and leaned towards my ear and whispered, “Pagdating ni Tatay, pagalitan mo siya Nay, dahil sa socks niya.” (When Tatay arrives, you scold him Nanay for his socks.) He whispered it so softly that I had to have him repeat it to me. I was so amused by it. In response I asked him where Tatay should have placed his socks. And without missing a beat he replied, “Laundry!”

Again, these incidents have me feel so blessed to have Baby as my son. He does have his moments. He could be super hyper, being all-over the place and leaving me quite breathless and exhausted. He could also be quite a rebel too, insisting on not following the colors of his “Copy the Color workbooks.” Even when the page would scream “red” for the apple, he would insist about coloring it violet or whatever color he may fancy. Also he would give me the opposites of the answers to the question I would ask him, demonstrating to me quite clearly his intelligence. Like when we had discussed siblings and how a girl sibling is called a “sister” and ‘brother” is its opposite. When I asked him about it afterwards, he would insist that he is a “sister” to his “brother” Ate Janin, the whole time smiling mischievously.

Earlier also, when we encountered the word, “germs” in our reading and I asked him about it, he naughtily replied it meant, “malinis” (something clean) knowing full well it is the other way around. At moments like this, I am always torn between being amused and indignant. I know he is testing his limits with me, pushing further his boundaries.

Once again I feel blessed to have Baby. I could not thank God well enough…

Birthday Blog 2009

I was going through the motions of getting Baby to bed earlier and in response to my “goodnight,” he said, “Happy Birthday.” I had my back on him, fussing with the beddings. I turned to him, really surprised and well, so touched by the gesture. I think I had to blink twice just to make sure it is still my three year old son talking. The greeting was totally unexpected, coming from a three year old…

Yes, another birthday… another year… the journal I wrote last year is still very fresh to me. I was very emotional at that time, being 2 months pregnant (which a few days later resulted to my second miscarriage) and being utterly grateful for being on vacation with my family in Bora.

Now, a year later, there is no fancy vacation though I had totally intended to be in another island getaway again this year. But Baby is already in school and I have qualms about him missing school. Plus, we have incurred quite a lot of expenses this year owing to Baby’s attending pre-school. It had eaten quite a lot to our normally allotted vacation money hehehe But definitely, I am not regretting it one bit. And neither are we scrapping our annual vacation this year.

Ah yeah, priorities... being an adult and a parent sure has changed me in so many ways. Now, I have to reorder my priorities… while that wanderlust it still very much a part of who I am, and my passion about finding meaning in everything I do is still very much there, my energies are no longer just bent on these pursuits… These days, being a parent, a “guardian” to a three-year old living soul is foremost in my mind and it is influencing my every action and decision…

Sitting here now, noticing that the clock just announces that as of 35 minutes earlier, I had just turned a year older, I am wondering whether it was wise of me to have unwittingly allowed parenthood to “consume” me in such a way. Well, for sure, there are no regrets. Seeing how Baby is turning out to be these days is making me believe that while I may not be the best parent there is, I know I have done justice to the role that is given to me, in this stage of my life.

But, right now, I am also thinking how I need to detach myself a bit from such a role. While being a parent is certainly very important, that is not all there is to me. I should really allot some time for my own personal pursuits… to be with my God, to be with myself, be with my friends without tagging Baby along.

To just “be” -- sans all the attachments and everything that I identify myself with these past few years. Writing about it now, I am realizing how it’s been such a long time since I did that – to just “be.” Now I resolve to give more time to do just that…

As every birthday blog, I wouldn’t want to end this particular entry without ever making an acknowledgement to that Bigger Being who had made all these things possible… As always, I would like to express how completely grateful I am for the life He has given me. I thank Him most specially for all the wonderful “details” He had also thrown into it. I’ve written this before and I’ll write about it again and again – how He had woven such a wonderful tapestry that is my life. And I could not thank Him well enough.

Earlier this evening, sitting in the cinema with Baby in my arms, he suddenly turned to me and wrapped his arms around me, laying his head gently on my shoulder. I felt contentment so profound that I did not want the moment to end. At that instant I realized that is probably how God wants it as well, for us to turn to Him and just lie contentedly in His arms. Now, marking another year in my life, another thing to be grateful once again, I yearn for the comfort of God’s hand. At the moment, I just want to lie down at His feet and surrender everything to Him – all my dreams, my desires, my disappointments, my shortcomings, my brokenness… I would like to give back to Him the life he had given me and once again “plan” with Him what to do with it…