Reposted from Facebook notes
My day started quite right today. The highlight of which was to see my son’s expectant, beaming face looking straight at me when I looked out the window of the taxi to take another look at them. I had to cross the street to catch a taxi ride to the hotel. They had to go the other way since Tatay and Baby had to take my niece, Janin to school.
I wasn’t really expecting to see them still looking at me. I was surprised to find out that they were. The instant I turned to them, both kids’ faces lit up and they waved enthusiastically at me. It made me feel cherished and I realized once again that at this point in my son’s life, I mean the world to him. It affirmed as well that my niece needs me too. Next to Mama, I am her mother now.
Fast forward a few moments after that and I am in the van already, along with an all-male, senior engineer participants for another interesting infra-related training. Every engagement I have is always a learning experience for me but I didn’t know that that morning, I’ll be schooled on husband-and-wife relationship as well.
It proved to be quite refreshing since I’m hearing it from the males’ punto-da-vista. I was interested in what they have to say so I did not volunteer any of my views. I just sat there, smiled and laughed silently when the exchange would become very funny. Every now and then they asked me out of courtesy, “Totoo ba yung sinasabi namin, Ta?” But I would just say, “no comment.” It was obviously a “for-the-boys” conversation and I knew they did not really expect me to share my own views. Besides, that would have just ruined the whole thing anyway.
On the wife respecting the husband. This had always been a touchy topic as far as the women are concerned. I knew my girlfriends and I have had a lot of discussion on the subject and it’s always on where one should draw the line between respect of oneself and that for one’s husband. It’s quite refreshing to hear about it from the husbands’ perspective.
They were sharing concrete situations with one another. One shared how an officemate’s wife would make a scene every time she would come across their group of friends and find another woman in their midst. It wouldn’t matter if the woman is someone else’s girlfriend as long as her husband is with the group, she would readily assume her to be his. Everyone was in agreement that that was a foul thing to do and that the wife is showing disrespect to her husband by creating a scene in front of his officemates.
The one who related it – a senior officer and someone whose presence commands respect – shared how he talked to the wife and pointed out that she had to show she respects her husband by not putting him in such a situation. He told her how it doesn’t matter what she’ll do to her husband when they are already on their own and in the confines of their own home but that she should accord him respect by not making a scene when they are in public. He also shared how he pointed out that her husband is not exactly good looking to be able to warrant attention from other women. That made me laugh, not so much because I imagine him to be “ugly” but because that is the same line Tatay would give me every time I would voice out my doubts on what he’s doing when he’s out with his friends or when they have an outdoor activity. On those occasions, he had to do some sleep-over’s or wouldn’t be home till wee hours in the morning. He would always tell me that everybody knows he’s married and that he’s not exactly Aga Mulach in order to attract other girls.
Anyway, the conversation when on and there were other situations shared on the matter. Everything all boil down to one thing – the husbands actually values what the wife say, they are in fact, in a way, “afraid” to warrant her “wrath” but for sure, they would certainly appreciate if wives accord them with respect. They dislike being ridiculed in public, particularly in front of their friends or officemates. In my opinion, I think this isn’t too much to ask of the wives. Every human being, after all, ought to be accorded with respect.
On relationship with the in-laws. This, I certainly appreciated since I definitely learned something new from it. One of the participants shared how he and his wife have this “technique” that they apply to ensure that both of them have a smooth relationship with their in-laws. He pointed out that his wife is not a Muslim but hails from Dipolog. (This is worth noting considering that all of the participants were Muslim and majority of them have Muslim wives as well.) Definitely, the difference in culture comes into play and I was glad to note that in their case, it served to enrich the marriage more than being a source of conflict.
It was related how it had become their practice that when the husband’s relative come asking for some financial help, it would be the wife who would give the money and vice-versa, even if the money really comes from both of them. Also, when the wife’s nieces and nephews would come to visit, it is the husband who would give them their fare back home, etc. He said I think it’s a good idea in that comments such as, “Makunat yang asawa mo” even when said in jest, would be avoided.
On Financial Matters. One shared how an office mate have no idea how much his salary really is since it is the wife who comes to the office to get it every month. So whenever it would occur to them to eat out or drink, that officemate would always beg off since he had nothing to chip in. And so they advised him not to divulge some cash he would be receiving like “token” from office transactions or from some other source. They would tell him to leave the money in his drawer in the office so that the wife will not know about it.
I thought then how sad that is, having to resort to that, not being totally open to one’s wife. I think, both of you doesn’t necessarily have to agree on everything but it would definitely be sad if you have to keep things from each other. It speaks a lot about the kind of relationship you have and the trust you have for each other.
The men went on to expound on the importance of having money of their own. They said that this is felt when their siblings or relatives come to them asking for financial help. They relate how difficult it is for them to ask their wives for some money knowing full well that the one they gave their wives are already budgeted for the needs of the family. This sure made me think. I think they definitely have a point in that.
On vices. The conversation then turned to vices. One related how he would come home bringing ice cream, cake and chicken even if he just lost in a betting game of “sabong” (cockfight). He said this way, his wife would not complain about him losing thousands in gambling. He pointed out that for the wife, losing a thousand in gambling is a big issue already, and would immediately say the money would have been better spent in buying rice or food for the house. I smiled at this since it’s indeed a very common “wifey-reaction.”
Another one volunteered how he and his wife never had a quarrel when it comes to sabong. He said he makes sure of this by separating a separate “account” for his gambling activities. He said it is also one way of managing the vice since there is always the tendency to even bet one’s “kaldero” when worse comes to worse. He said he hands his “sabong” earnings to his wife also, separate from his salary which is intended for the household budget. He explained how he asks his wife money for gambling from his “sabong” account. This is where he also gets funds for the fighting cocks he maintains. I thought how wise this kind of set-up is and I admired the person for having thought of it.
One of the guys said the common reason why the wife complains about vices is when they hear the husbands losing thousands and then note how they would refuse the kids who would ask them for a few hundreds to buy projects for school. All of them agreed that this should not be the case. I raised an eyebrow when one pointed out how some of them would readily hand a “ka-table” 500 pesos for just a few moments of… err… “skin-touching.” However, they soon regain my respect when they said this shouldn’t be the case and that they should be more generous to their children.
The conversation ended with that as we have reached the training venue already. I was grateful for everything that had transpired. I was glad to have learned about the men’s perspective on what was discussed. It was… good to be in a company of mature men who have had enough experience in marriage to be able to give all those insights. It made me realize that the women do not have the monopoly of “great” ideas where relationships are concerned hehehe. Because, I must admit, before that incident I was putting much value on the women’s role as “ilaw ng tahanan” thinking that we are more insightful and sensitive about things than men are. The experience taught me that indeed, man or woman, each of us have a contribution to make where making a marriage work is concerned… We should take advantage of both our strengths…
