“If you have to convince him that you are absolutely right for him, then you’d better start walking away.”
I came across this article of the same title while I was still in the hospital two weeks ago. It wasn’t really of interest to me but as it was the only reading material available at the time, I did not have much choice. The article was well-written however that I immediately found myself enjoying reading it.
The article was typical – it sought to answer what must be one of the most important questions that single women have on their minds – “How do you know if you’ve found Mr. Right?” There were five “signs” indicated there but I found sign no. 1 as the most “significant.” Certainly, it struck me the most and I couldn’t recall having read about it before.
“You would know if it is Mr. Right if he totally believes you to be his Ms. Right.” That was sign no. 1 or words to that effect. But that’s not what really struck me. It was the sentence that came after it that did. It said something like, “If you have to convince him that you are absolutely right for him, then you’d better start walking away.” When I read that sentence it felt pretty much like a “light-bulb” moment. It made so much sense.
Typical scenes like women totally frustrated over the men in their lives immediately came to mind. I recall a particular infatuation in my not-so-immediate past wherein I was totally convinced that he is the right one for me – having the same interests, both being opinionated and not afraid to express what we feel about things, and totally passionate about the things we get ourselves into like music, nature, physical pursuits and relationships. We were also both emotional and it’s apparent in the letters and e-mails we exchange with each other. Not to mention the long hours spent chatting and making long distance calls.
But I was much too young then, and very much infatuated that I did not know how to handle the “relationship” well. Until, I found him just slowly drifting away. The e-mails came less frequently, the calls too, until everything just stopped. It took me a while to fully comprehend everything. I could not understand how come everything would come to a halt when he seemed so right for me.
In my mind, everything was so magical – we would exchange emails of pictures we took from our latest climb or nature adventure; I would send him letters bearing the answers to the questions he had laid in his letter that has yet to find its way to me and vice-versa; He would share with me his enthusiasm for a movie he just watched and I would be giving him a complete run-down of the book series I’m currently hooked into, making him love the characters as much as I do. In other words, it seemed to me that we have the perfect formula for the right kind of love – the fairy-tale kind that one usually gets to read in books and see in the movies. At that time I was completely convinced that he was Mr. Right. Apparently, he does not quite think the same way I do.
And it took a while before that particular “detail” totally sunk in. Being convinced that he was the right one for me, I immediately assumed that he thinks the same way too. His moving on to another relationship, however, told me that wasn’t quite the case.
Fast forward that to two years down the line and here comes this person so totally different from me – we don’t like the same music; He doesn’t read books and is not articulate; We both love nature but for him it’s the adrenaline rush while for me it was for the clarity of thought and introspection that afforded me; I shy away from the crowd while he totally basks in the attention. In other words, we’re as different from night and day.
And yet, from day 1 there he is, totally convinced that I’m the right one for him and did not waste time in letting me know exactly how he thinks so. He bombarded me with calls (drop calls to be exact which was quite the thing before for those who are afraid of wasting their cell phone loads away hehehe He is that “kuripot”) – and would suddenly show up un-announced in my doorstep. Every chance he get, he certainly made his presence felt.
I remember how friends would call me just to inform me that they found him braving the heat of the sun, riding his mountain bike just to bring me viand for lunch. True enough, as soon as I put down my fone, there he is handing me the all-vegetable dish he cooked for me. I was purely vegetarian at that time and he would bring me food knowing it would be difficult for me to source out purely vegetarian dishes near the office. Over the years he would be like that. Colleagues would remark about a blouse I’m wearing and how the design is so “me” only to be surprised when I tell them it was Tatay who bought it for me as a gift. In other words, Tatay knows me, and put a lot of thought into what I would like and what would make me happy.
Oh we fight a lot and there are days when I would wail about how insensitive he could get. In fact, in the earlier part of our marriage our “battles” would be phenomenal. It’s understandable given how different we could be. It took a while before we were able to “fine-tune” everything. Now, we still fight but not nearly as explosive as before. We have come to know each other deeply and know what would rub the other raw and thus avoiding them altogether, or at least try to avoid them, most days hehehe.
When I had my recent CS operation, I woke up to find him at my bedside totally concerned and relieved at the same time. He told me how scared he was – seeing me literally writhe in pain, knowing full well I have such a high threshold for pain.
In the following days after that, I saw him being mindful of everything, answering my needs; seeing to the papers and documents needed; sourcing out blood and medicines for Baby Forest; arranging things for our eldest Rod’s orientation week at school; going to the bank and even seeing that our utility bills and housing bills get settled on time. It was no wonder he would collapse right next to me in my hospital bed at the end of the day totally exhausted. And yet, that would not stop him from rising again the next day and doing the same routine all over again. When I had to come home and Baby Forest was left at the hospital, it was him mostly taking care of our needs – seeing that I eat on time, and bring my expressed milk to the hospital twice a day until I was well enough to go there with him and feed Forest myself.
Even now, our days and nights could be long with Forest’s needs to see to. There’s Rod to be taken to school early in the morning also. Last week, I had an engagement for three days straight and he made sure everything is smooth and easy for me. It is him who also tended to Baby Forest at night, waking me up only when it is time for me to feed her.
The other night I woke up to find him snoring silently beside me and my heart reached out to him knowing how exhausted he must be. I appreciated him more for not hearing him complain one bit about it. I looked at him and felt grateful for all the things that he had come to represent in my life. And I said to myself, he is indeed my Mr. Right, not so much for all the things that he is doing for me and our family but simply for “knowing” me.
From the day we met, he already had an inkling as to what I would mean to him. Over the years, he had come to know me better and even valued me more and did not rest until I know exactly how he feels about me. Over the years he had shown me how he knows full well what I need, want and feel without my having to express them. This is telling me that while he might not say it, I know that he thinks about me and the kids a lot. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to anticipate our needs and wants…
As I stared at his sleeping form, filled with so much gratitude, he stirred beside me and opened an eye. Seeing me fully awake he looked at me imploringly, expressing in words what I was silently telling him – “I love you, Nay.” He reached out to touch my cheek and said, “Love kaayo ta ka…” and then went back to sleep.
I love you very much too, Tatay. Thank you so much for everything. In a few days we will be celebrating our 5th Anniversary. I look forward to spending many more years with you, with us both helping each unfold our own, individual truths, and become even better persons…
Post-comment:
Here’s an addendum to the five signs indicated in the article, my own personal opinion:
You’d know that he’s the one if both of you are growing in the relationship, becoming better persons, giving each other wings and not dragging each other down. If you’ve become petty and less loving (not just to the significant other but to the persons around you), then you’d better start thinking things through…
This had been my personal “yardstick” over the years. When I feel that the other person is starting to drag me down, I let go of the relationship no matter how painful it may prove to be. True, it may take me awhile before I’d be able to bounce back from the loss and the pain -- Jeni, my ever constant BFF have been a witness to this hehehe -- but the unfolding of my own truth is important to me as well. I know the relationship is not good when being in it is starting to feel like being tethered. While my "enduring" attitude would want me to stay for a while, in the long run, I'd know deep down when is the right time to just walk away...
