Being Schooled on Men's Perspective About Marriage

Reposted from Facebook notes

My day started quite right today. The highlight of which was to see my son’s expectant, beaming face looking straight at me when I looked out the window of the taxi to take another look at them. I had to cross the street to catch a taxi ride to the hotel. They had to go the other way since Tatay and Baby had to take my niece, Janin to school.

I wasn’t really expecting to see them still looking at me. I was surprised to find out that they were. The instant I turned to them, both kids’ faces lit up and they waved enthusiastically at me. It made me feel cherished and I realized once again that at this point in my son’s life, I mean the world to him. It affirmed as well that my niece needs me too. Next to Mama, I am her mother now.

Fast forward a few moments after that and I am in the van already, along with an all-male, senior engineer participants for another interesting infra-related training. Every engagement I have is always a learning experience for me but I didn’t know that that morning, I’ll be schooled on husband-and-wife relationship as well.

It proved to be quite refreshing since I’m hearing it from the males’ punto-da-vista. I was interested in what they have to say so I did not volunteer any of my views. I just sat there, smiled and laughed silently when the exchange would become very funny. Every now and then they asked me out of courtesy, “Totoo ba yung sinasabi namin, Ta?” But I would just say, “no comment.” It was obviously a “for-the-boys” conversation and I knew they did not really expect me to share my own views. Besides, that would have just ruined the whole thing anyway.

On the wife respecting the husband. This had always been a touchy topic as far as the women are concerned. I knew my girlfriends and I have had a lot of discussion on the subject and it’s always on where one should draw the line between respect of oneself and that for one’s husband. It’s quite refreshing to hear about it from the husbands’ perspective.

They were sharing concrete situations with one another. One shared how an officemate’s wife would make a scene every time she would come across their group of friends and find another woman in their midst. It wouldn’t matter if the woman is someone else’s girlfriend as long as her husband is with the group, she would readily assume her to be his. Everyone was in agreement that that was a foul thing to do and that the wife is showing disrespect to her husband by creating a scene in front of his officemates.

The one who related it – a senior officer and someone whose presence commands respect – shared how he talked to the wife and pointed out that she had to show she respects her husband by not putting him in such a situation. He told her how it doesn’t matter what she’ll do to her husband when they are already on their own and in the confines of their own home but that she should accord him respect by not making a scene when they are in public. He also shared how he pointed out that her husband is not exactly good looking to be able to warrant attention from other women. That made me laugh, not so much because I imagine him to be “ugly” but because that is the same line Tatay would give me every time I would voice out my doubts on what he’s doing when he’s out with his friends or when they have an outdoor activity. On those occasions, he had to do some sleep-over’s or wouldn’t be home till wee hours in the morning. He would always tell me that everybody knows he’s married and that he’s not exactly Aga Mulach in order to attract other girls.

Anyway, the conversation when on and there were other situations shared on the matter. Everything all boil down to one thing – the husbands actually values what the wife say, they are in fact, in a way, “afraid” to warrant her “wrath” but for sure, they would certainly appreciate if wives accord them with respect. They dislike being ridiculed in public, particularly in front of their friends or officemates. In my opinion, I think this isn’t too much to ask of the wives. Every human being, after all, ought to be accorded with respect.


On relationship with the in-laws. This, I certainly appreciated since I definitely learned something new from it. One of the participants shared how he and his wife have this “technique” that they apply to ensure that both of them have a smooth relationship with their in-laws. He pointed out that his wife is not a Muslim but hails from Dipolog. (This is worth noting considering that all of the participants were Muslim and majority of them have Muslim wives as well.) Definitely, the difference in culture comes into play and I was glad to note that in their case, it served to enrich the marriage more than being a source of conflict.

It was related how it had become their practice that when the husband’s relative come asking for some financial help, it would be the wife who would give the money and vice-versa, even if the money really comes from both of them. Also, when the wife’s nieces and nephews would come to visit, it is the husband who would give them their fare back home, etc. He said I think it’s a good idea in that comments such as, “Makunat yang asawa mo” even when said in jest, would be avoided.


On Financial Matters. One shared how an office mate have no idea how much his salary really is since it is the wife who comes to the office to get it every month. So whenever it would occur to them to eat out or drink, that officemate would always beg off since he had nothing to chip in. And so they advised him not to divulge some cash he would be receiving like “token” from office transactions or from some other source. They would tell him to leave the money in his drawer in the office so that the wife will not know about it.

I thought then how sad that is, having to resort to that, not being totally open to one’s wife. I think, both of you doesn’t necessarily have to agree on everything but it would definitely be sad if you have to keep things from each other. It speaks a lot about the kind of relationship you have and the trust you have for each other.

The men went on to expound on the importance of having money of their own. They said that this is felt when their siblings or relatives come to them asking for financial help. They relate how difficult it is for them to ask their wives for some money knowing full well that the one they gave their wives are already budgeted for the needs of the family. This sure made me think. I think they definitely have a point in that.


On vices. The conversation then turned to vices. One related how he would come home bringing ice cream, cake and chicken even if he just lost in a betting game of “sabong” (cockfight). He said this way, his wife would not complain about him losing thousands in gambling. He pointed out that for the wife, losing a thousand in gambling is a big issue already, and would immediately say the money would have been better spent in buying rice or food for the house. I smiled at this since it’s indeed a very common “wifey-reaction.”

Another one volunteered how he and his wife never had a quarrel when it comes to sabong. He said he makes sure of this by separating a separate “account” for his gambling activities. He said it is also one way of managing the vice since there is always the tendency to even bet one’s “kaldero” when worse comes to worse. He said he hands his “sabong” earnings to his wife also, separate from his salary which is intended for the household budget. He explained how he asks his wife money for gambling from his “sabong” account. This is where he also gets funds for the fighting cocks he maintains. I thought how wise this kind of set-up is and I admired the person for having thought of it.

One of the guys said the common reason why the wife complains about vices is when they hear the husbands losing thousands and then note how they would refuse the kids who would ask them for a few hundreds to buy projects for school. All of them agreed that this should not be the case. I raised an eyebrow when one pointed out how some of them would readily hand a “ka-table” 500 pesos for just a few moments of… err… “skin-touching.” However, they soon regain my respect when they said this shouldn’t be the case and that they should be more generous to their children.


The conversation ended with that as we have reached the training venue already. I was grateful for everything that had transpired. I was glad to have learned about the men’s perspective on what was discussed. It was… good to be in a company of mature men who have had enough experience in marriage to be able to give all those insights. It made me realize that the women do not have the monopoly of “great” ideas where relationships are concerned hehehe. Because, I must admit, before that incident I was putting much value on the women’s role as “ilaw ng tahanan” thinking that we are more insightful and sensitive about things than men are. The experience taught me that indeed, man or woman, each of us have a contribution to make where making a marriage work is concerned… We should take advantage of both our strengths…

Deserving

“The officials don’t know how we are struggling to live in the communities. They sit comfortably in their air-conditioned rooms and all they care about is politicking and money.”


This, from the mouth of a civilian volunteer, working on the ground, actively monitoring the atrocities committed against civilians. He showed pictures and videos taken of very young children, women and men killed and being hit by bombs and stray bullets because they were suspected to be fleeing “renegades.”

The video was graphic. My heart got wrenched looking at tiny children lying on the ground, lifeless after the boat they were riding on was hit by a bomb. I identified with the grandmothers and mothers who were mourning their death. They were crying and wailing. I could only imagine the extent of the pain they are feeling. I am a mother and my heart would lurch in pain just to see my son hurt himself mistakenly in play. How much more for these mothers who have lost their sons in a senseless war?

The words of the civilian volunteer resonated within me. Having the work that I do, I’ve been exposed to a lot of things. (Not even half of all that he had seen) And indeed, there is a big difference between seeing what’s happening on the ground firsthand than just staying in an air-conditioned office and debating about these matters theoretically.

I felt the same frustration and resentment that the volunteer felt for “politicians” up there who think of nothing but enriching themselves and taking advantage of the power that they yield. They are so far removed from the realities on the ground that they could think of nobody but themselves and furthering their own self-interests.

The election is just around the corner and I’ve seen candidates debate on issues – mostly bordering on the personal and other trivialities. I cant help but be cynical noting how trivial their concerns are compared to those that the people at the grassroots had to live with everyday.

I sit here now and wonder -- how many of these candidates deserve the seat they are aiming for? How many of them have the heart, the wisdom and the sincerity to be able to give the position they will be occupying justice? How many of them are aware that when they “court” the people to vote for them, they are also playing with their emotions, stringing along the people’s aspirations and dreams?

True, the government could only do so much. All of us must work hand-in-hand in order to achieve, a just and humane society. And yet, individuals who have the nerve to declare themselves as candidates – who spend millions in campaign materials (when they would be put to better use addressing the needs of the 600 thousand IDPs in Central Mindanao) – also have the responsibility to do justice to the position they will be occupying.

Leading the people especially as fragmented, as multi-sectoral, multi-cultural, and as broken as the Philippines is such a grave responsibility. It's a wonder to me how a lot of them are risking their necks for the post.

I am praying that whoever wins is truly the most deserving and equipped. God help the Philippines, particularly Mindanao.

Baby Overspends

Today, all Level 1 “babies” went to SM as an extension of their lessons on fruits and vegetables. They were brought to the fruit and vegetable section of the grocery. The teachers walked them through the aisles, telling them the names of the fruits and vegetables displayed there.

Prior to the activity, a letter had been sent to the parents to inform us of it and to ask our consent for the activity and for allowing the kids to make a purchase. When it was settled that they would be making purchases as well, Tatay and I sat Baby down and tried to set some limits. The letter had said to put money in the pocket of the child and to be on the safe side, Tatay and I agreed that 100 would suffice. But, at the same time, we also agreed spending the whole of that wouldn’t be good either. We don’t want Baby to associate “buying” with spending everything that he has. We want him to experience paying and then getting some change back.

However, it wouldn’t be the first time for Baby to experience paying for purchases. I’ve allowed him to do that several times in the past. Those times when what we were paying for were items that he chose by himself – some biscuits, choco drink, milk, or carefully-chosen toys. In all those instances, he had gotten some change back and every time, he would give it back to us. (He isn’t this good at all times though since while he does return the change every time and readily gives me his baon every time I ask for a loose change for fare, he has this bad habit sometimes of picking up coins lying in the house without asking permission and take it as his own. Tatay and I are working on it.)

Anyway, I had a training and had to work so I was not able to go with him today :( Tatay was there though and I insisted about his bringing the camera. Last night, we sat with Baby and told him to limit his purchase to just two – one fruit and one vegetable. Since his favorite fruit is mango, we agreed that that is what he would buy. One mango. For the vegetable, his favorite is squash but thinking it might be too heavy for him to carry, I asked him to just buy ampalaya for Nanay to which, he agreed.

When I came home for lunch today, Tatay told me how the teacher had to call on him to augment Baby’s money since his purchase totaled more than a hundred. I was surprised to hear about it. Our conversation had been clear. I wondered what happened.

Tatay told me that instead of mango, Baby purchased a pack of fresh strawberries. We had feared this would happen and made it clear beforehand to Baby that he should purchase his favorite fruit, mango, regardless if his classmates would buy strawberries. And yet there he was. When I asked him about it, he immediately reasoned out, “Mango man sana yun Nanay pero nagliko naman kami (with matching hand gesture of “liko”), malayo na sa mango kaya strawberry na lang.” Tatay told me his classmates also bought strawberries so I figured they probably stopped there and so he opted to buy one also.

As for the vegetables, true enough, he bought ampalaya for me hehe Tatay told me he saw him picked the strawberry and thought that was the end of it. He was surprise to find out at the counter that he indeed bought ampalaya and a pack of large onions, the type we usually use for cooking pasta at home. When I asked him how he managed to carry all of it, he gestured, “Ganito, Nanay,” interlacing both of his arms, holding them close to his chest and crouching over them. It wasn’t hard to imagine how it must have been hehehe

Haay I was really sorry to have missed another milestone of Baby’s because of work but I’m glad Baby is so expressive, I have the pleasure of sharing good “after-the-event-conversations” with him each time this happens. Thank you, Father God that my little one enjoyed his trip to the grocery today, for how Baby is turning out to be, and for that little conversation he and I shared. Oh, and for Tatay who is always there to lend a hand :)

On Respect and Sensibilities (Being Culturally Sensitive)

Are Muslims considered IP’s?” The moment the resource person voiced that out in front of purely Muslim participants, an atmosphere of “discomfort” permeated the air. I felt uneasy and I’m sure some of the participants did also. To their credit, the participants took the question at face value. One of them explained that Muslims are more of a “cultural minority” than an IP.

That was not the first time in this training that I noted how a lot of us here in Davao could still learn where being “culturally-sensitive” is concerned. I want it clear that I am not passing on any judgment. I do not take it against the RP that she had to ask that question. To her, it was an innocent inquiry. It was pretty evident that she simply does not know and had to clarify that since it had something to do with her lecture. Based on how she proceeded with her lecture, it was obvious that her original thinking was that Muslims are really considered IPs.

In the same training, another RP had repeatedly coined a certain reference document as the agency’s “Bible.” And twice made the gesture of the cross when during the open forum, a few participants raised questions about certain practices in their locality and how these were bordering on the illegal. I knew the RP just did not know any better and it led me to wonder how many of us here also do not.

I am lucky since my work exposes me to a lot of groups. Not only does it add more to my knowledge, I feel that it also enriches me as a person. It broadened my horizon and freed me from the prejudices introduced to me in my youth. I became aware that there are belief systems and practices that are entirely different from my own. And that being different does not necessarily mean something is wrong with the other’s beliefs or practices. We are just different, period. And being so, one does not necessarily have to be better than the other.

In one of my work engagements, one participant took time to explain to me what Islam is all about and I fell in love with it. Dabbling with meditation and yoga also introduced me to Buddhism and Hinduism. They’re both equally beautiful belief systems. And I guess it is understandably so, because God is beautiful, no matter in what form S/He may choose to represent Himself/Herself.

I am not perfect. I still have aversion to certain things and situations. But being more aware, I am now able to step back, examine my prejudices and label them as what they really are – baseless, ignorant assumptions. Every person, regardless of color, religion, sexual orientation or preference is worthy of respect. We have no right to pass on any judgment. At the same time, we have the responsibility to try to learn more about the people we closely deal with. We have to take time to know what would adversely affect their sensibilities and try our best to avoid these. I am thinking, if only all of us would bother to do so, this world would certainly be a better place for everyone. (And I can't help but think of this in the context of Mindanao)

Being a mother, I’m thinking of raising Baby being aware of these things very early on. I don’t want him to grow up passing judgment on others. Especially so, that he is growing up where he is – a melting pot of different cultures. It is difficult though. As it is, on the issue of gender sensitivity alone, it is already being tested everyday. He came home one day telling me, “Nanay, di ba okay lang sa boy ang pink? Di ba okay lang ang Dora?” Then he related how a classmate of his told him he is gay because he asked permission to play with her “pink” Dora toy. It’s a good thing he still comes to me to relate all these things. That way I could still reinforce the things I am trying to teach him. What then when he is out there and would be bombarded by views that are not entirely correct? What if he would stop coming home to me and ask my opinion?

It’s a good thing that right now, my son still looks up to me and believe what I tell him. I know there will come a time that he would be forming his own views of things. I could only pray that among these would be the grain of truths I wanted to impart to him. Oh, but life is beautiful. I know it’ll find ways to enrich my son’s own in ways I could only imagine for now.

All About Baby

Baby came home yesterday bringing with him a small plant sowed on a clear, plastic cup. We were having lunch, me making the most of my time with him before I return to the training. His Tatay urged him to show me the different parts of the plants. Tatay related to me how Baby had been talking non-stop on their way home from school about the different parts of the plants.

Baby then turned to me and said, “Nanay roots ito,” pointing at the roots visible from the plastic cup. I nodded in response. Then Baby added, “These are the leaves,” this time pointing at the plant’s clump of leaves. Noticing that he missed out on the stems of the plant I asked, “What are these then?” Without missing a beat he answered, “Tingnan mo yung folder ko, Nay. Nandun kung ano tawag dyan,” making reference to their assignment folder which outlines the lessons they have every week. Hahaha!

These days, how Baby could communicate so well never fails to amaze me. There was one instance when I called home to ask Tatay something when it was Baby who answered. It turned out that somebody called me up at home and he very clearly told me, “Nanay, may tumawag sa ‘yo kanina dito. Sabi ko wala ka, nagwork. Tawag daw siya ulit.” It completely blew me away. I know it’s expected of three-year olds to be able to express themselves already. Still, hearing Baby communicate sans his usual, broken lines but still in his cute, baby voice could really tug at my heart. It must be a motherly-thing.

His logic is also faultless. One time I got irritated to find out the laundry is all over the floor and was urging him to help me put them all in the hamper. He readily helped me but while he was stuffing in the laundry he told me in his cute voice, “Nanay, sunod, sabihan mo si Tatay siya magpasok nito kasi siya man nagkalat nito, hindi ako.” Imagine that, coming from a four-year old.

He also has perfect taste (hehehe). I was tying my hair, getting ready for the Christmas Mass when Baby came inside the room and told me, “Wow! Nanay, ang cute mo.” He was looking at my dress. It was a new dress, bought with my “newly-acquired” pregnancy in mind. It had spaghetti straps and a very low neckline. To cover up, I put on a tube blouse underneath. The dress was really pretty, completely feminine and I was surprised at how he openly expressed his appreciation for it.

I was wearing the same dress last week but at that time donned on a short-sleeved tee-blouse underneath. I was tiptoeing inside the bedroom so as not to wake him up when I heard him say, “Nanay, sando lang isuot mo inside, ‘wag yan.” I nearly jumped but was really amused to hear him “advise” me on what to wear. ‘Seems like, I now have an in-house fashion consultant. And a four-year old at that.

Baby is indeed expressive and I find it truly refreshing. Last Sunday, we were settling down to sleep when he turned to me and said, “Nanay, masaya ako kanina sa binyag ni Baby Koi2x.” Eric’s youngest got baptized and the family spent lunch together at the reception. The venue’s ground was large, covered and with huts dotting the place. He and Janin had a field day running all over. When I asked him why he was happy, he replied that it’s because he was able to play with his Ate.

I am truly grateful for moments like these with Baby. I am grateful knowing how he’s turning out to be. I love the fact that Baby is open and expressive about his feelings. It is telling me that somehow, we did something right in rearing him up since he had no qualms about expressing anything to us. To me it means he feels confident enough to do so.

I am wondering how he is at school though. His teacher had told me he appeared shy and reserved. I guess it’s understandable really since he is not so used about being with other kids. He’s more used to hanging around adults. In fact he feels so much at home with my friends and showed every indication of how he considers himself very much part of the “barkada.” And yet I would very much want that to change. I want him to be confident around his peers as well. That is another reason why I’m grateful for this pregnancy since it’ll definitely be helpful to Baby to have another sibling.

Oh, and one last detail.. last night while lying in bed I told Baby how his Teacher Rose congratulated me for my pregnancy when his Tatay and I went to pick up his card for the 3rd grading. The smile he gave me was so huge, obviously happy at the news. He then sat up in bed and stoop to my bulging tummy. Making sure that his mouth is where my navel is (he believes this is where he should talk so his baby sibling could hear him), he whispered, “Baby, teacher ko yun siya, kaya huwag kang matakot sa kanya ha?” hehe Baby’s really so sweet and smart. I’m so grateful I have him.

We are One

“Mao ning panghitabo karon, ang mang-uuma wala na’y gikaon”*

I sat in the middle of the “peacetival” listening to a group of community peace advocates sing about the current plight of the farmers and I felt tears at the back of my lids threatening to fall at any moment. I can’t help but note the irony of it all. The very ones who toil so hard so that we could enjoy having food on our table have nothing to eat themselves.

Here we are, complaining sometimes at the increase of the prices of commodities. We complain about the hard times but we fail to think about the plight of the common farmers out there who had to toil so hard and yet hardly had food for themselves or their families.

I remember this one particular experience… Tatay and I were climbing Mt. Apo with a group of our friends. We had been walking all morning and it was already lunch time. We were famished, it had been a long walk and the sun was scorching. We were at the boulder part of the Kapatagan trail, close to the sulphur vents. The peak is in sight, but from experience, we knew it will still take us another three to four hours to reach it. Meaning, we would still have the whole afternoon of trekking ahead of us.

Wanting some rest and food, we settled on a spot close to a big boulder that is providing us some shade. There were six of us there as some were still on their way up to where we were. As we settled down to eat, I had to reproach Tatay for not praying. Holding up a piece of string bean (as vegetarians, that is what we had for lunch, adobong sitaw compared to our friends’ adobong manok hehehe) – I pointed out to him that it took some backbreaking days for some farmer before it found its way to our lunchboxes. It was all said in banter and we were all laughing at that time but I was dead serious about it. And so we prayed. We expressed our gratitude for every individual responsible for the food finding its way to us. We prayed that the energy from all of those individual acts would nourish not just our body but our spirit as well.

It would seem pretty “stuck up” I know, but how often do most of us take a lot of things for granted? We turn our blind eye on the little details just because we wanted to remain “cool,” “less-nerdy” and detached. But if there is one thing I learned, it’s that in the “circle of life,” there is no such thing as “detached.” We all belong to the same circle, we are one.

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*That is what is happening these days, farmers have nothing to eat...

Bread and Cheese (On Motherhood As Well)

“Di ako kain kanina Nay, nagcolor lang ako.”

When I heard this, I immediately hugged Baby out of pity. I felt so much for him. I figured (knowing full well his impatience when it comes to coloring) that he probably did not finish a coloring activity and thus was asked to finish it before given snacks. And by the time he had finished with the coloring (if he had), it was probably time to go already.

They are given free snacks in school. It is such a relief since it spares me the everyday task of thinking of suitable snacks for him, not to mention additional cost. And it is usually part of our everyday, “How-was-school-conversation” – what they had for snacks.

While I told him he ought to learn his lesson and finish his coloring so that he could eat along with his other classmates, my heart was actually breaking. Especially so when I learned he was the only one who was not able to eat. My heart broke again when he answered, “Bread and cheese” to my inquiry as to what his classmates had.

I knew he ought to learn his lesson about completing his tasks and yet, I feel somewhat bothered that he was made to feel left-out. That and the fact that he probably felt hungry by that time already.

It breaks my heart to picture him totally left out. It would have been better if he had another classmate with him… Arghh… Baby has really started with his journey. While I may want it differently, it is impossible for me to be with him every single second of the journey. I could only hold his hand at certain times. At this moment, it meant for the most part. But somewhere down the line, he would be all grown up and would be on his own… While I could insist to be always in the picture, I know I wouldn’t really dream of doing so. It is why I am adamant about “training” him, teaching him independence, giving him every opportunity to make use of his initiative… It is because I am preparing him well for the time when he would want to venture on his own… Now, why is my heart breaking at the thought?

If I could have my way, I would always want to be a part of his life. I would want to be a part of every milestone he may take. Not that I want to be in control of everything but that I would very much want him to ‘invite” me to be a part of it all… to share “almost” everything with me. If only as a confidant, a sounding board, a consultant, a friend… a person whose opinion he values the most…

I am now forced to look into my own relationship with my Mom. Do I invite her to be a part of my life? Or do I go my own way, insist on living my life my own way? Mama and I always have such phenomenal disagreements. And time and again it is always due to how she could be overly critical of everything. That and the tendency to just dwell on the negative, on the shortcomings and the worries. I love her very dearly and understand her most of the time but it had also been a constant wish that she sees past the negative… Mama is not quick with the praising. Sad, but I could not recall a single compliment coming from her. I would like to stress that all this is written in an “observing” manner. There is no censure or any bitterness for my part because certainly, while “very good! Well done!” might not be a part of her vocabulary, she is one of the most selfless person I have ever known. She always overextends herself… she would do everything she could for the persons that she loves… There is no tirelessness in her. Her demeanor when it comes to her family is always that of servitude. And for that I am and will forever be grateful.

I am just made to reflect on the being “overly-critical” part because it is the primary reason why I always hesitate to share with her my innermost thoughts or take steps at making her one of my confidants. It’s because I fear being criticized again or be misunderstood and be reprimanded instead of being encouraged… I wouldn’t want to have that with my son. I want him to see me as someone he could totally trust with anything. I want him to feel that he could be very raw with me, be at his worst and know full well that I love him no matter what. I know that this love I feel for my son is the same love that Mama feels for me though I may see it differently at times.

It takes reflecting on the matter to put everything in the right perspective. As always, writing and reflecting makes me understand things the more, and enables me to look at every situation objectively. Now, an earlier disagreement with Mama is slowly being devoid of its “sting.” I understand her more fully now. And I value her more fully now that I am a mother myself. Her being who she is – both the good and the “not-so-good” traits – is teaching me a great deal about being a mother. It is guiding me as to what I should aim to be, hope to be and work out to become…

Here’s a toast to all the mothers in the world. I know that while none of us may be perfect, nothing could ever compare to the kind of love we feel for our offspring. I think it’s a sliver of God’s love personified…

Organizational Skills

Baby is such a naughty three year old. It concerns me at times, observing how he derives so much amusement at making fun of people. By “people” I meant his lola’s, his cousins, his Tatay and myself. His laughter (which is so amusing in itself) would fill the house after he’d pull a prank at any of us. At times like this, I would tell myself how it all seemed so cute now, hearing his laughter, watching his face fully lit up by mirth because he’s still a three-year-old kid and looks totally adorable. How about when he is much older? Would I find it amusing by then?

And yet, on the other hand, there is also no denying how Baby is also displaying everyday how he is a responsible, dependable person. At his age, he is able to dress himself up everyday for school. He puts on his socks, shoes… insists on putting on his sando and buttoning up his polo. When he arrives home from school or from outside, he knows where to put his shoes or sandals, and where to look for a change of clothes. Also, I think one of the first words he ever uttered was “LAUNDRY” hahaha! After changing out of his clothes, he goes straight to the hamper with them. There were times when he gets distracted by play and would just drop everything but these cases are more of a rarity than the usual.

There was this incident one time wherein I was picking up after him in the car. He sometimes has this habit of spreading his toys in the backseat and play while we are mobile. At that time we were nearing our stop and I was in a hurry to get moving. He was coloring then and I immediately scooped up the box and placed it inside his backpack. He was probably watching me intently, noticing how I did not insist on his picking after himself. He scolded me – imagine that – and pointed out how the crayons should be placed at the outside pocket of his pack and not inside. He said that his extra clothes are there and might be soiled by the crayons. I felt sheepish and resolved not to let my work or appointments distract me least I would not be able to set a good example again.

The other day, he asked for some pretzels after spending half an hour at a kid’s playroom. I was hungry myself so I relented. Again, I was on my way to another appointment. I was distracted, my mind already getting ahead of me. I stopped short when he called after me and said, “Alcohol please Nanay, kain na ako.” (I want to eat already)

Earlier tonight as well, I was cleaning up the shoe rack and he was right beside me, excited with rediscovering his old slippers and shoes. When I noticed Tatay’s carelessly discarded used socks, I groaned out loud but did not say anything. I just continued with the cleaning. We found his old pair of Crocs and were in a “negotiation” mode as to whether or not we give them away to any of his cousins. Knowing him, he had attachments to his things. He is always loathe to part with them. I had to reason with him patiently why they would be put to good use when given away than just wasting away. At these moments, I am also somewhat reluctant to insist about giving them away. I feel that I also ought to honor his feelings. When he is really adamant about holding on to a thing, I would always let him have his way and yet firmly pointing out to him that he would have to part with it when he is already ready to let it go.

I was already preparing him for bed when the “socks incident” surfaced again. I was surprised to learn (though by now, I should have known better) how he seemed to notice everything. He suddenly said – “May isabi ako sa ‘yo Nay” (I have something to tell you, Nay) He then stood up and leaned towards my ear and whispered, “Pagdating ni Tatay, pagalitan mo siya Nay, dahil sa socks niya.” (When Tatay arrives, you scold him Nanay for his socks.) He whispered it so softly that I had to have him repeat it to me. I was so amused by it. In response I asked him where Tatay should have placed his socks. And without missing a beat he replied, “Laundry!”

Again, these incidents have me feel so blessed to have Baby as my son. He does have his moments. He could be super hyper, being all-over the place and leaving me quite breathless and exhausted. He could also be quite a rebel too, insisting on not following the colors of his “Copy the Color workbooks.” Even when the page would scream “red” for the apple, he would insist about coloring it violet or whatever color he may fancy. Also he would give me the opposites of the answers to the question I would ask him, demonstrating to me quite clearly his intelligence. Like when we had discussed siblings and how a girl sibling is called a “sister” and ‘brother” is its opposite. When I asked him about it afterwards, he would insist that he is a “sister” to his “brother” Ate Janin, the whole time smiling mischievously.

Earlier also, when we encountered the word, “germs” in our reading and I asked him about it, he naughtily replied it meant, “malinis” (something clean) knowing full well it is the other way around. At moments like this, I am always torn between being amused and indignant. I know he is testing his limits with me, pushing further his boundaries.

Once again I feel blessed to have Baby. I could not thank God well enough…

Birthday Blog 2009

I was going through the motions of getting Baby to bed earlier and in response to my “goodnight,” he said, “Happy Birthday.” I had my back on him, fussing with the beddings. I turned to him, really surprised and well, so touched by the gesture. I think I had to blink twice just to make sure it is still my three year old son talking. The greeting was totally unexpected, coming from a three year old…

Yes, another birthday… another year… the journal I wrote last year is still very fresh to me. I was very emotional at that time, being 2 months pregnant (which a few days later resulted to my second miscarriage) and being utterly grateful for being on vacation with my family in Bora.

Now, a year later, there is no fancy vacation though I had totally intended to be in another island getaway again this year. But Baby is already in school and I have qualms about him missing school. Plus, we have incurred quite a lot of expenses this year owing to Baby’s attending pre-school. It had eaten quite a lot to our normally allotted vacation money hehehe But definitely, I am not regretting it one bit. And neither are we scrapping our annual vacation this year.

Ah yeah, priorities... being an adult and a parent sure has changed me in so many ways. Now, I have to reorder my priorities… while that wanderlust it still very much a part of who I am, and my passion about finding meaning in everything I do is still very much there, my energies are no longer just bent on these pursuits… These days, being a parent, a “guardian” to a three-year old living soul is foremost in my mind and it is influencing my every action and decision…

Sitting here now, noticing that the clock just announces that as of 35 minutes earlier, I had just turned a year older, I am wondering whether it was wise of me to have unwittingly allowed parenthood to “consume” me in such a way. Well, for sure, there are no regrets. Seeing how Baby is turning out to be these days is making me believe that while I may not be the best parent there is, I know I have done justice to the role that is given to me, in this stage of my life.

But, right now, I am also thinking how I need to detach myself a bit from such a role. While being a parent is certainly very important, that is not all there is to me. I should really allot some time for my own personal pursuits… to be with my God, to be with myself, be with my friends without tagging Baby along.

To just “be” -- sans all the attachments and everything that I identify myself with these past few years. Writing about it now, I am realizing how it’s been such a long time since I did that – to just “be.” Now I resolve to give more time to do just that…

As every birthday blog, I wouldn’t want to end this particular entry without ever making an acknowledgement to that Bigger Being who had made all these things possible… As always, I would like to express how completely grateful I am for the life He has given me. I thank Him most specially for all the wonderful “details” He had also thrown into it. I’ve written this before and I’ll write about it again and again – how He had woven such a wonderful tapestry that is my life. And I could not thank Him well enough.

Earlier this evening, sitting in the cinema with Baby in my arms, he suddenly turned to me and wrapped his arms around me, laying his head gently on my shoulder. I felt contentment so profound that I did not want the moment to end. At that instant I realized that is probably how God wants it as well, for us to turn to Him and just lie contentedly in His arms. Now, marking another year in my life, another thing to be grateful once again, I yearn for the comfort of God’s hand. At the moment, I just want to lie down at His feet and surrender everything to Him – all my dreams, my desires, my disappointments, my shortcomings, my brokenness… I would like to give back to Him the life he had given me and once again “plan” with Him what to do with it…

Baby's First...

Yesterday marked another milestone in Baby’s life. He attended formal school for the first time. Long before yesterday, we were already all excited about it. The first time we brought his uniforms home, there were endless fittings after that. When we bought his shoes, there were fittings again – all by Baby himself, who seemed to be more excited than we are.

We had a hard time coaxing him out of sleep. His time is at 8:00 in the morning. And of course we wanted to make it on time or even a bit early. I got a bit worried when he cried and cried and keep saying, “Gusto ko tulog, Nanay!” hehehe really cute of him. But eventually he quieted down especially when he noticed Janin all dressed up and ready for school. We had a hard time feeding him breakfast though since he just had his bottle.

Nonetheless, we arrived in Ateneo early. His classroom was still closed. So we spent some time waiting for the teacher to come. We went to the library to check if he could spend some time there but changed our mind. We were thinking we might have difficulty prying him away from there when it is already time. When we got back to his classroom, the teacher was already there, coaxing the “babies” inside. Well, they were still practically babies at 3 to 4 years old – teeny-weeny, little human beings :) Some were in there school uniforms such as Baby was while some were in their casual wear.

I felt proud and relieved when Baby entered the classroom without hesitation. His voice was barely audible though when he answered his teacher who asked his name. I felt that we were able to prepare him very well for the experience. There were some babies who refused to enter the classroom even if the parent volunteers to accompany them inside.

Baby appeared very shy, barely responding when the teacher asked them to raise hands, clap their hands, etc. He would mimic the actions but his hands would remain in his lap. For the first part, he had been like that. But he was able to follow instructions well. They were taught how to carry their chairs silently; get, prepare, and return their playmats; wash their hands; use the spoon properly; and string some beads. Yeah, all that in two and a half hours time. There were only 7 of them after all, as it was still their orientation period.

Their whole section was divided into groups for different orientation sessions over the period of one week. So for this week, Baby’s sked was only that of Monday.
Actually, based on the alphabetical order of their surname’s, Baby’s sked should have been Tuesday. But, since I have a training and be lodged in Eden, I asked the teacher to move his sked to Monday so I would be there. Luckily, we were accommodated.

Next week, they will have another two-day session. That, and another session on Friday that all pupils in their section will be present. A week thereafter – on June 22 – will be the start of their regular classes.

So anyway, I got a bit concerned noticing Baby’s “shyness.” But later on, his confidence seem to grow by the minute. Then come the feeding time. Level one pupils were given free snacks. I was amused when I noticed they were being served munchkins. Another good thing about it is that it is his favorite flavor, “butterchoco” or something. That chocolate flavored munchkin sprinkled with orangy “dust.” Anyway, they were first asked to form in line, to take turns washing their hands. They were taught how to do it properly. Then, they were asked to get their placemats and carry them to their place on the table. When all the kids were seated, the teacher then proceeded to give them their share of iced tea, and munchkins. Each was given plates on which their munchkins were placed. They were given one munchkin each.

The funny thing was, when the teacher asked who wants some more munchkin, Baby – earlier, very shy Baby – immediately raised his hand. Haha! And he did it quite enthusiastically, no trace of shyness whatsoever. It was Tatay and I, looking on, who felt a bit ashamed haha! We were both so amused by it. And then, Baby did it again for the second time. He consumed a total of three munchkins in all. Haha!

After that, Baby began to grow more comfortable with the other kids and the teacher. In fact, at one point, he so boldly took the puppet used by the teacher… It was very much a satisfying experience. I felt truly grateful that everything went on smoothly…

The night before, we had prayed as one family – Tatay, Baby and I. We acknowledged that Baby’s first day in school is such an important milestone in his life. We thanked God for it. At the same time, we fervently prayed that it be a start of a good experience for Baby, outside of the home. We prayed that he’d be safe, protected from bullies, learn to love learning, learn about life, gain lasting friendships, have the best “teachers” that would be instrumental in his growth as the best person that he could be…

Yeah, it is only pre-school but it marked the first step of Baby’s journey outside of the home. This time, he will not only be learning from me or from his Tatay. He will be learning about a lot of things, about relationships outside of the family… It is a very important event and we certainly need God’s guidance and blessings...

Baby’s first day in school.

Well, officially, it is baby’s first day in school. Took him there today to talk the entrance examination. The usual, it is not without drama. Yesterday, coming from the snorkeling trip, I was hungry and too tired to do any thinking. Mama, whom we found at home suddenly announced she’s going to the downtown house. My mindset had been that we’d all be sleeping at the Empress home and just go downtown real early so mama would not be late for school. She had volunteered for enrolment to get some day credits which will surely come handy for out-of-the-blue family trips we might be taking sometime the middle of the year.

Anyway, since she was deadest about going home, we decided to just sleep at Mama Fely’s house as well. So with that, we had very little time to prepare. I just grabbed at some clothes I will be wearing for Baby’s big day in school the next day. What I forgot to grab was the plastic envelope wherein Baby’s entrance exam documents and some pictures are in.

So this afternoon, thirty minutes before our set appointment, I realized we had to drive all the way back to Empress just to get the documents. We also realized that mama had the key to the Empress house so we had to get it from her at school. It was such a mayhem. I’m pretty distracted these days with my mind occupied about beating deadlines. There are just far too many things too accomplish that I allowed myself to focus on just one report at a time. I refused to think about the other reports left to be accomplished. It’s the only way for me to keep my sanity. So naturally, I also neglected to think about some important domestic matters such as Baby’s documents.

Anyway. thankfully, I was still able to keep my cool – let Tatay go all the way to Empress while Baby and I just took the taxi to go to his school. Once there, I had to use my charm and negotiation skills to explain that the needed documents were not with me but is already on its way to me. Imagine that 

It was a disappointment to find out Baby will be taking the exam and interview without me. Well, it makes so much sense. Still, I had been looking forward to seeing how he’d deal with the situation. Haaay. And it’s doubly disappointing since until now, Baby does not show any sign of wanting to share with me what took place while he was taking the exam. I’ve asked him about it ever since he had stepped out of the examination room. Other than bits and pieces that he volunteered, I have no idea what happened. Well, knowing Baby I’d know he’d be telling us all about it in bits and pieces – on moments when he would be remembering any of it.

Funny, was it not only yesterday that I had to feel so at awed to see such a dependent, helpless, little baby in my arms? Now, Baby is shaping up right before my very eyes. His personality is becoming more apparent everyday. He’s becoming more expressive, more creative and more independent. I know being in school will transform him even more. I’m holding my breath, cant wait to witness his own unfolding…

Parenting Style

Baby was sick while I was preparing to go for another training. I was loathe to go. I did not want to drive home the point to Baby that my work is more important to me. One thing difficult about this job that I have is that schedules are set way, way beforehand and there is no such thing as taking a “sick leave” or an “emergency leave.” Commitments are commitments no matter if something else came up.

To compromise, I gave up a free ride to the venue of the training to spend another night with Baby. Good thing the organizers agreed that I would just report on the day of the training itself. I knew they would have wanted me to come earlier since there are still a lot of things that needed straightening out. So while I tended to Baby, I prepared him as best as I could to my impending absence for the next two days. I told him I wanted to be with him as he is sick but I had made prior commitments. I told him, I would rather be with him instead and that I would be constantly worrying about him where I am.

I made a deal with him. I told him, I needed him to take care of himself while I’m away. I told him he had to get better since he would have to fetch me where I’d be. I told him I would be staying at a resort and that on the day that they would fetch me, there would be a bird show he would be watching. I also told him we will be going to the eagle center which is just nearby, where we be seeing a real eagle first hand, for the first time. I told him I want him to have that experience and that I want to share it with him and so he really would have to get better.

The toughest part about it was that I also got sick while I was in training. While we were working sleepless over some of the training requirements, I was fighting down the beginnings of a bad case of flu as well. I shrugged it off, thinking only of Sunday when Baby would come and experience a bird show for the first time. Quite weird it might be, but it was what kept me going for the next two full-24- hours working.

Then Sunday came. I got a text from Tatay that Mama objected to Baby’s coming over as he is not quite well yet. I knew it made so much sense but I certainly felt as if a plug was pulled from under me. My intention was to have the olds come as well so they could enjoy the experience and the eagle trip. It had been a while since we had some kind of family outing. So when I got that text from Tatay, my immediate reaction was that it was Mama again and her tendency to object on just about anything. Hehehe that was fever and stress talking I guess. That, and being frustrated at having all my plans gone askew.

After a while, I began to see Mama’s intentions. Baby, probably is not feeling well yet. After all, the resort I’m at is quite a drive from downtown. To catch the bird show at 10:00 AM, they would have to leave the house at 8:30 in the morning. Well, that is how slow Tatay drives when he has family (esp. Baby) on board. It’s at a rate of the average time it takes to get there plus another 30 minutes or so, depending on the distance. Him driving friends or clients to adventure destinations, is a different thing altogether.

Anyway, so while I was downright drowning in my flu and my disappointment, I asked Tatay how well Baby is and that if he thinks he’s not well enough to make the whole trip then they would have to stay at home and I would have to catch a ride with the rest of the training team. Tatay’s response was that he would fetch me no matter what. I asked him to ask Baby how he feels about the whole thing. I told him to ask Baby if he’s feeling well enough for the trip to fetch me or that he would rather stay at home.

I was waiting for Tatay’s response when it dawned on me how today’s generation of parents (well, at least those I know personally) have really come a long way compared to our own parent’s parenting style. I mean, who would have thought of consulting a 3-year old on such matters? In the past, parents would normally just do things on the basis of their own judgments. There is no such thing as consulting the children no matter how old they are already. Well, generally that is. No one could blame them either since they also have learned that from the parents before them.

When Tatay texted me that they would have to push through with the trip since Baby is showing everyone he’s really trying hard to appear “not sick,” I was both overjoyed and concerned. I asked Tatay to bring pillows and do everything to make Baby really comfortable all the way. True enough, they arrived when I was just wrapping things up with the training. I was glad to see that the olds and my “niece-daughter” Janin came as well. The weekend was a blast. Baby and I were not feeling so well to fully appreciate everything but it is nice to hear him babble about the eagles and animals he saw back at the eagle center the past few days. It means the experience still made a mark on him. Lately he’d been so quick to tell everyone who cares to listen, that he was finally able to see a real eagle and not just the ones on the book or his DVDs. Also, what I particularly liked about that weekend is the “hito-stop” we made at the city’s “hito district” where rows of restaurants serving hito can be found. To save time, we ordered fried hito for take out and enjoyed it once we got home.

Back on parenting style, I could never claim to be the best parent there is. I certainly have my faults as well. I also have my own shortcomings that would have me cry silently in shame after an episode has passed. But this, I could certainly say, I try my best to be the best that I could be…

Amazing Three Year Old Logic

Last night, Mama wanted to check on the Empress House since its been a while since either of us have slept there. As usual, she worried over her plants. I just came from a training and was famished so we had dinner first and had to take care of the things that we needed to take home with us. So it took a while before we were able to go.

Baby was already sleepy so we gave him his bottle which his Tatay had thoughtfully prepared beforehand. He was with his Lola at the back but asked to sit on my lap while he took to his bottle. After he was done, we got into a conversation. He was always vocal about wanting an "Innova" because as he claimed, it looks shiny, sleek, and for sure the air-conditioning would be perfect. We also got to talk about “Kongkong” (Hongkong). Seeing pictures earlier of Disneyland gave him the idea. After that, he proceeded to enumerate what he wants me to buy when I already have money. It was a long list that started with “Chukie,” Hany, watch a movie, etc...

After a while I told him when I’m already old, it would be him who would be giving me all those things. I told him he would be the one to buy me food, vitamins, medicine, give me vacation money, my own car… From snuggling comfortably in my arms he sat up suddenly, looked up to me and said, “Bakit? Anak ka?” (Why, are you my offspring?) Hahaha! Amazing logic. I was so taken aback by his reaction that I could not stop laughing for a long time. Really amazing logic, “anak” indeed!

Tired.

Came in from two sleepless weeks of doing technical writing work. Had a workshop that is supposed to be till tomorrow but I have to cut it short and bring someone else in for a prior commitment made which will require my services starting tomorrow till Sunday...

Well, I am grateful for the blessings since work in a way is a blessing and I always have the option to turn them down... Oh well, I did but they still want me anyway, which is a privilege really....

Lenten Reflections

I stood in Church, holding Baby in my arms as I listened to the priest’s sermon. I was called to attention when he invited everyone to be sensitive… to what we hear, see, and feel during the Mass. The priest had said that it is only in being sensitive to everything around would we know what God is trying to tell us in the whole celebration of the Holy Mass.

The gospel was about Jesus’ death and crucifixion and he reminded us that through the Mass we have started a week long celebration of God’s resurrection. There were three readers who read the gospel. One was the narrator of the story line, a deacon reads out Jesus’ lines while another reads out the parts of Pilate and that of the crowd of Jews who had clamored for Jesus’ crucifixion.

When the priest made a reference to Pilates role in that particular part of Jesus’ life I realized that every time we will not own to our own mistakes, or refuse to do something good for our own self-preservation, or turn a blind eye on the truth just because we lack the courage to uphold it, we are being Pilate who helped put Jesus on the cross.

Along with that I also realized that when we are envious of others, bitter about other people’s success and shot at glory just because our lives have remained miserable compare to theirs, we are like the Sadducees and the Chief Priest who have contrived and brought on Jesus’ fate simply because they are envious of Him.

I stood there, realizing that every time we “celebrate” Lent, the focus is always on two things. First, on Jesus’ ultimate, loving sacrifice of suffering through humiliation and dying on the cross for our salvation. Second, on His resurrection that is a reminder to all of us that there is life after death and that because of His sacrifice we too have a shot at eternity.

And yet, as I reflected about Pilate’s and the Sadducees actions, those who gave Jesus bitter wine to drink instead of water, those who raffled off His clothes rendering Him naked, of all those who were responsible and had participated in Jesus’ suffering then, I realized that we too ought to focus on them as well. We ought to examine closely their motives, their actions, how they were because it was them who had put Jesus on the cross.

By reflecting on their motives and actions we will be made aware about that part of human nature that is responsible for Christ’s suffering. It was envy, sloth, apathy, high regard for self-preservation among others that had brought on Christ’s suffering. So that every time we’d feel envious of others, have that malicious dislike of others for one reason or another, we could remind ourselves that these very feelings were what nailed Jesus’ on the cross.

Truly Jesus is great because by living amongst us He had showed us all aspects of human nature, how human nature can be so self-giving yet at the same time be so selfish; be so full of love and could also be so full of hatred and malice… By walking amongst us He had showed us what it means to be truly human through and through…

Prayer Hike

The night before the prayer hike, I had a hard time falling asleep. I’m not sure if it was the coffee I made the mistake of drinking that afternoon (of which I’m not really used to drinking) or something else. I tossed and turn but to avail, sleep really proved elusive. I thought about what I would do just to while the time away. I decided to prepare for the prayer hike and pray. I opened the Bible and the search led me to the Book of Isaiah. As I let the words settle into my being, it dawned on me that this is probably what God wants C4C Davao to be – to go beyond the mere externals of the exercise of faith and to dwell more on what really matters – what is in our hearts.

As I continued to read, soft promptings also fill my head. It dawned on me that it is indeed so true, in our desire to really be of service to others, we devote so much time on the logistics that goes into it – the resources needed, where these resources should be sourced, what the “action plan” should be, who would be responsible for what… And yet, in the Book of Isiah God said, “What do I care for your endless sacrifices?...When you come before me and trample on my courts, who asked you to visit me?... When you stretch out your hands I will close my eyes; the more you pray, the more I refuse to listen, for your hands are bloody. Wash yourselves clean. Remove from my sight the evil of your deeds. Put an end to your wickedness…”

Reading the verse made me realize that God does not care so much on the externals or one’s going through the motion of serving others or of doing good. I think what the verse is telling me is that God is more concerned about knowing where He stands in my life; whether I am continuously and consciously working towards the cleansing of my heart and making sure that my actions are borne out of the purest of intentions.

The verse is clear about God not caring about our sacrifices, all forms of offerings if on the one hand, we continue to live a life that is unpleasing in His eyes. The word that keeps cropping to my head while I reflected on what I had just read is “introspection.” And it is telling me that this would have a lot to do with what we will be hoping to do for C4C Davao.

There would be climbing missions, that is for sure since that is what the organization is about. But along with that, there would be “basecamp sessions” as well, wherein we would try to examine where we are as an individual – where our relationship with our God is concerned; to constantly check our bearings – whether or not our “faith compass” is still pointing at the right direction. And to be really clear about our intentions for doing any activity we might decide to pursue for the organization.

I am remembering one of the things that Ace had shared with me in one of his emails – how we should always start with God, turn our eyes on Him first, since we could not give what we do not have. How then can we share Him to the other people up there if we don’t have Him in our lives to begin with?

Thinking along this line, I am brought to the fact that I still have a long, long way to go where that is concerned. “Cleansing” is a never-ending process especially in my case, who is still very much a work in progress. But who isn’t? I should not let this “minute” detail then get in the way of what we would be trying to do for C4C Davao.

The prayer hike went ahead as planned. What was not planned though was that there would only be Tatay, Rufino and I. But as Ace had said, we could not wait for having the right number of persons, the right time, the right situation before doing something. Otherwise, we would not be able to accomplish anything.

I was feeling a bit low as we started with the hike up the Shrine Hill at a little before 5 AM. Tatay had to go ahead to park the car at the Shrine of the Child Jesus where we will be ending the hike. Rufino and I were already half-way up when we met him going down on foot. He walked the rest of the way with us.

I can’t help but feel a wanting to have with us a few more people. There is certainly strength in numbers. But again, Ace is right. Jesus had said that if there will only be two people who would agree to ask about something, the Father in Heaven would hear them and grant that prayer.

I had prepared a long list of things to pray for. The main purpose of the hike was really trying to discern His plans for C4C Davao. I felt that God had partly answered that already the night before when he planted that restlessness in me and brought me to the first chapter of the book of Isaiah.

The chapter had ended with, “18 ‘Come,’ says the Lord, ‘let us reason together. Though your sins be like scarlet, they will be white as snow; though they be as crimson red, they will be white as wool…”

The words, “reason” and “ together” really struck me then and the image that came to mind is having that constant dialogue with God; to have that intimate connection with Him. I felt as if through C4C, God is extending an invitation… For us to have that constant “conversation” with Him, to “reason” with Him, to argue with Him, to deepen our relationship with Him.

I had always tried to seek God in everything that I do, in every experience I may have. (Although certainly, there are also days when I don’t really bother to try that hard.) I know C4C would give me the same opportunity to get to know Him more fully… I know it will be another avenue for the unfolding of my own truth as an individual…

With C4C Davao I know God is starting something different in my life, another chapter altogether… I couldn’t wait to begin yet another adventure with Him…

Saranggola

Some time ago - at the stage when I dabbled on art and sketching - I had this complete series on "Kites" which I did in watercolors. They showed a father and a son in different acts of flying a kite together. They were special to me and I imagined them to be something that will form part of my future.

Yesterday, owing to how hot it was at home, Tatay, Bolets, Janin and I decided to spend the afternoon at the tree-lined, four-lane, driveway of the subdivision. There were some shady parts there owing to the acacia trees and it was cool and windy. It proved to be perfect for what Tatay had planned of doing that afternoon - fly kite with his son.

Using old calendar sheets, some masking tapes and walis ting-ting, he managed to make two kites. One for Bolets and another for our niece, Janin. Just watching Baby helping Tatay create the kites was enough to make feel grateful for the experience. It was his little comments in that cute, little voice of his that made the experience special -- "Di bale Ate, maya di na mainit" (Don't worry Ate, later, it won't be hot anymore) when his cousin complained about how hot it was out there. Watching them fly the kites together - father and son -- gave me twice the fulfillment.

When I made that complete watercolor series, I was dreaming about my future, about what I hope my marriage would be like. I was wishing for a dotting husband and father to my son. Now, that I'm right smack in the middle of family life, I'm finding out it is not as "quiet," dreamy and as perfect as what the paintings had been. There simply are just realities that one had to contend with. Still, I'm not giving up on the dreamy, quiet part... or the "magical" part for that matter...

Baby's New Antics

Two weeks ago, I called home from a workshop to ask Tatay for something. It was Baby who answered the phone. After the usual greeting and exchange of "I love you's," I told him to give Tatay the phone and then in complete sentence, and without hesitation, he answered me, "Wala si Tatay dito." (Tatay is not here) I felt my heart expand. It was the first "straight" telephone conversation we have ever had. And I felt emotional realizing that Baby is really not a baby anymore. He really could communicate very well already. And it is becoming apparent everyday.

If before, I had to rely on mother's insticts and guess work to figure out what Baby is saying to me, now, there hardly is a need to. More often than not, Baby is straightforward in saying what he wants and in communicating his thoughts with me, with us. And I find that very endearing and refreshing.

And not only can he communicate well, he's logic is faultless as well.Just yesterday, we were having lunch over at the in-laws. Having finished first, I was served iced tea. Seeing it, he also asked for his share. I pointed out he could not have iced tea since he’s not yet through eating. When he got a bit noisy, refused to take another bite unless served iced tea, I got exasperated and told him he could have some but just a little. His rejoinder was quick. With a pout he told me – “Di konti! Marami! O, dami rice ko!” (Not just a little! Look, I have plenty of rice!) How do you argue with that?

We were on our way home after that lunch when we passed by where we usually take the turn for my former office. Good as he is with directions, he immediately recognized the corner and remarked: “Nanay’s work!” pointing at the corner. Then, holding out his fingers and counting them off he said, “Dami office ni Nanay!” (Nanay goes to a lot of offices!) This, in reference to the frequency of their taking me to hotels the past few weeks. Just this morning, dropping me off at this hotel, which had been and will be the venue of weekend workshops till next week, he readily took it for granted that this is my office as well.

There’s this one incident as well last week wherein I was admonishing him for something. I can no longer remember what exactly about. I could remember telling him about what he did was “Bawal!” (A no-no!) He appeared to have accepted my verdict and then grew quiet for some time. And then he said, “Sa ‘yo Nanay, di bawal?” (How about you, Nanay? It’s okay for you to do it?) Cute baby I have here. =)

“Office ni Nanay” (Mother’s Office)

This morning, even though it was a weekend, I had a workshop to document. I was tired, coming from another grueling workshop for the past three days. I would have just wanted to linger in bed. But work is work and in truth, I’m actually excited to be a part of that particular project. It concerns the family and business – the former, being my foremost passion for the moment and the latter, something I’ve been contemplating about getting into more seriously, one of these days. When I have the time that is hehe It’s going to be an engagement, spread out for the next two months. It’s going to take away my weekends for that long but I am certainly looking forward to learning as much as I can from it.

So anyway while I was getting ready, Baby woke up and immediately looked for his Tatay. I told him Tatay is getting the car ready since he’s taking me to work. He immediately got teary-eyed and told me it’s okay for him if I work but that Tatay should stay at home with him. I told him Tatay would have to take me to work but would be right back. That was not good enough for him though. In the end, we had to take him along with us. There is nothing new about that. Being without a nanny for a long time now, we had to constantly tag him along wherever we go. If I had to go to the gym, Tatay had to go some other time since he had to watch over Baby and vice-versa.

So anyway, it did not dawn on me that Baby has been taking note of the places we’re going to and have certain associations for them. Until this morning. The workshop was at a downtown hotel which is a common venue for training and workshops. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve taken or fetched me from there. Just as we were about to turn the corner where the hotel was, Baby suddenly exclaimed, “Oh! There! Office ni Nanay! Yehey! Ayan na office ni Nanay.” (Oh! There it is, Mother’s office!) I was so surprised but at the same time, was also greatly amused. Office indeed! Hehe!

So true, even when I was still working full time or now that I’m doing free-lance work, my world revolves mostly in hotels and training venues. And Baby had grown up spending time in hotels as well especially when the training would be “live-in” and would run for several days. When he was a mere six-month old baby, I had dragged him all the way to Legazpi because I had to be there for five days and I was breastfeeding him. A few months after that, I had to drag him again to Cebu and then Baguio.

It’s just funny how Baby readily associates the hotels as my office. He’d been to my previous office several times and yes, he would readily exclaim as we would drive towards it that there is Nanay’s office. It’s really funny how he thought of the hotels as my office as well just because I’d tell him I’m off to work every time they take me there.

The whole experience drove home the point to me that Baby is really at the stage now that he is taking everything in and associating situations and events with different things. He is really at such a vulnerable age wherein he is starting to define things based on his own experiences from it. Like love. Everything that he is experiencing with us as parents would be something he’d associate with love and how relationships should be. And that whole thing has a lot of bearing on his self-confidence, how he regards himself, and us as his parents. Imagine that. The realization is humbling and puts a lot of pressure on me. I am not perfect and I am afraid I have committed things and may still do things that could harm Baby for the rest of his life.

In one of the sessions this morning, the resource person gave emphasis on the point that a family is a very powerful force that can help build the individual and at the same time, could also be responsible for hampering his/her growth. And I think that “powerful force” is something that is completely in the parents’ hands. Well, at least when the children are still small. How that power is yielded depends solely on them and how they in turn were brought up as kids.

I look at Tatay and his dysfunctional family and I am very much worried indeed. And of course, there is also my own imperfection. But no, I refuse to dwell much on that. That is out of my hands already. It’s been done and there is nothing I can do about it now. However, Baby’s present and future is something that is now my sole responsibility. Definitely, there is something I can do about THAT. And of course there is God, who is the source of all my strength. I may be weak by I am comforted with the thought that He too has a plan where the life of son is concerned. I am not alone in this.

These days, realizing my role as a parent, I find plenty of reasons to be on my knees just to implore Him to make things right for my son and to protect Baby from my own mistakes and distorted take on some things. He had never failed me where providing for our financial needs is concerned. I am counting on the belief that He also would not fail to guide Tatay and I to make the right decisions for our son and to bring him up in the way that he should go. For that particular prayer alone, I put my whole heart and being into it. It is that important to me.

There’s this particular song I particularly liked because it serves as a prayer to me where being a parent is concerned. I have already posted it here but I'll post it again here soon.

Repost...

I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress
still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore.
True, I may still be very much a work in progress
but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well.

My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him.
I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep
not out of shame but out of knowing
that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth
and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet
but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.

Reading past entries a while back when I came across the above entry. It was on my birthday blog last year and I am immediately humbled. Because, another birthday is just around the corner and yet here I am, still "working on" having a conscious effort at "working for" my own unfolding. And I'm quite ashamed at the thought that just last weekend, I stumbled big time where that is concerned... I'm reposting the above entry to remind myself... Because, I have certainly forgotten...