If Only's

I knew a moment’s weakness earlier looking at some old pictures taken during one of those family trips. Niño was glaringly absent from the pictures. And I felt as if my heart was being torn to pieces remembering the reason for his absence. Mama simply thought it not important to include him. Well, it was a sudden plan and him being all the way at Empress it was much of a hassle having to go all the way there and inform him. (He had a cell phone before but lost it.) We were also taking the van and were afraid with all of us going, there just might not be enough space left.

It had always been like that. I would have to constantly push to include Niño in our trips. Mama sees it as not that important. To me, it had always been important. No matter how “short” or “insignificant” the gathering may be. He is, after all, family also.

I remember how after my wedding, with most of the “clan” being there, on spur of the moment we decided to go visit Aunty Artem’s place in Makilala. We wanted to visit a nearby hot spring resort there as well. I had to urge Mama to move heaven and earth just so Niño could also come along. Good thing he was indeed able to come.

I also remember how I had to fight for Niño’s place as one of the groom’s men during my wedding. Mama thought it much of a hassle having to mind for his Barong and the other stuff he needs on top of the things that needed our attention for the wedding. To me, it was out of the question. Hassle or not, Niño is my only sibling after all. And I don’t see why I would have to bother about the other groomsmen’s barongs and not his. I’d be more than glad to fuss over him than the others.

I remember feeling irritated then why I still had to point this out to Mama. But of course I understood her too. To her, it’s a triviality but to me, it’s an opportunity to make a family member feel he is part of the family. What is a little hassle compared to the opportunity to make someone you love feel that he is important and loved?

I just find it ironic how we always take things like that for granted. We tend to forget that sometimes little gestures such as this counts a lot. True, it might prove to be such a hassle but isn’t it always like that? We wouldn’t mind going through all the hassles, all sorts of sacrifice for a loved one?

I know during all those instances, Mama took it for granted that there will always be next time, next trips that Niño could come and join us without our having to go through all the hassles. To her, it’s just a short trip. We won’t be sleeping over. I’m sure for her, it’s okay for Niño to miss on all of that. I mean who would have thought that Niño would only be lent to us for such a short time? And that there will be no more other trips, other next time with him around?

I guess I’m crying for the missed opportunities, for the times we could have exerted more effort to give him the comfort and the convenience that we could have given him if only we knew then that we will lose him much sooner than we thought. I think I mourn for all those times we could have spent with him but only we did not for one reason or the other. Looking back, remembering the length of time he spent living at Empress alone, I cry for the sheer folly of it. How we wasted all those time living apart when we only have but a little time to spend with him.

A part of me is angry why I haven’t been more forceful, more pushy to make things happen then. And also, to instill in Mama the value of seizing every moment. Ever so often she and I get into some kind of misunderstanding. For a number of times I’ve been urging her to take trips with us. And more often than not such conversations would end up in arguments with both of us not accomplishing anything but hurt each other’s feelings.

To me, she is such a “kill joy.” Instead of warming up to the idea she would just point out to me there are far more important things to “throw” my money on. She would tell me I should rather save the money or pay in full my credit card bills, etc. etc. She would always tell me that I’m very wasteful, could think of nothing but just “fun” and not being wise about money.

I know to her, I’m probably being foolish, thinking only of today and not saving for tomorrow or for the rainy days to come. There might be some truth in that but still, I also think the present is very important. We could not just live our lives always thinking about what is to come. After all, who knows what the future will bring?

Look where did that get us? I feel that we missed out on a lot of things because she is so fearful about a lot of things also; being too preoccupied about the future; or simply being pessimistic. I keep wondering now if she would have acted differently then had she known we would lose Papa and Niño so early on? Would she have made some allowances for time, planned for more trips, see to it that we spend more time together? Because I know I would have.

Earlier, Bolo and I got into a misunderstanding owing to one of his moods again and I felt myself resenting him. I resented the fact that I’ve shared more things and opportunities with him than I’ve had with my brother. I find it ironic especially noting that my brother and I had gone a long, long way than Bolo and I did. I just felt that I did Bolo more favors than I did my brother. And yet here he is, causing me more pain than my brother ever did. I know it’s not good to feel this way at all but I do acknowledge that I feel it now. And I know I also had to honor such feelings.