I Know

I was just about to fall asleep when Tatay rang me up in Skype. What followed was a good conversation like we used to have before. We've always enjoyed talking to each other. I would remember the time when he would be coming in from a trip and he would endlessly talk about the experience or something funny that took place.

We haven't had that for a while. Given the distance, the calls and conversations had mostly been about the kids, whether my statutory obligations have been taken cared of and in order. Yup, the usual domestic stuff. It's either those things or being extremely jealous over nothing. So yeah, it's definitely been a while.

Last night, we talked about a lot of things but what stuck me the most was that exchange we had about my going home and settling there for a while for the children's sake.  We were going through alternatives.  I said I could stay home and be with the kids for a significant time before considering any new engagements.  I told him he and I could tend his store and save on the overhead.  If he needed to go somewhere then I had to be there on my own and vice-versa.  Then he said, I could probably find work quickly and it could be something unrelated to what I'm currently doing.  And I started saying how "not any job" could cut it for me since making a contribution is very important for me. But he sheepishly smiled and said, "Lagi. (I know.)" even before I finished what I intended to say.

It was a one word retort but it spoke so much volume.  That, "I know" does not just pertain to his knowing what I was gonna say but that he knows me and the things I value.  To me that was very touching and reassuring.  There's nothing more "feel-goody" than knowing that your significant other gets you. How sad would that be if someone you love do not know the core of your being or who you are entirely? 

So, thank you Tatay for that "knowing."  It made me feel valued for who I really am.  It reassures me of the kind of partnership that we keep as well.  It would not have been a real relationship if it lacked that  kind of certainty.  I love you.

Remote Mothering (Being There and Defying the Distance)

I can't help but cry a little as I watch Rod's sleepy face through Skype.  I was able to talk to him early morning (foregoing sleep) for the traditional waking up and blowing of the cake.  But he was sleepy even then and had to rush for school so we did not have  a proper conversation.

Then in the middle of a meeting, Tatay sent me photos through viber, signaling that the family is celebrating.  I was dying to talk to them then but the discussion was critical :( By the time I was able to get through, Rod was no longer answering properly, probably getting ready to sleep already.  After a while, Tatay called through Skype and my heart sank noting the "dark" background.  It meant the lights in the bedroom are off.  The kids are asleep.

Good thing they were just about to fall asleep.  Forest was wide awake and was even chatty, saying repeatedly, "Sleepy ang birthday boy, Nanay!" :) She was so cute.

Rod was already dozing off when Tatay brought the camera to his face :P  I engaged him in a conversation and that is when I cried.  I asked him about his birthday and how his day was.  When I asked him if there was a cake, Forest quipped, "Pizza!"  (Rod wanted it so).  When I asked what the flavor was, Rod replied it was pepperoni and I was like, "It's meat!" Rod's retort was really funny -- "It was the only thing that was buy-one-take-one." Hahaha! Stringy Tatay huh?

The best thing about today though was that Rod woke up when I asked him if we could pray together for his birthday.  We prayed for the usual, that he grow up to be really kind-hearted and be able to make a contribution in his own, little way.  We pray that he be guided towards the direction of his dreams and that they all come true.  We prayed that he be gifted with mentors and quality friendships.  I'm lucky enough in that aspect and I'm wishing the same thing for the children.  I can see that Rod appreciated the whole thing and I draw comfort in that.

All in all, Rod's birthday is simple.  There was no big party.  But I certainly went overboard this year, sharing old blogs as the day neared.  The funny thing was that Tatay had to point out to me that he and Rod actually find it tiring to read through all of my musings. So the "sentimental" in me had to step aside to choose blogs that are short and with photos.  Better that than having them going through the motion of conversation in a forced manner.  It was supposed to be a joyful sharing, not a burden.  I know in time, Rod would be able to appreciate the long letters and entries next time...

So yeah, the lengths that I have to go through just to defy the fact that we are apart.  I know there is nothing I can do about the physical distance but I've tried in the past -- and there is always a way -- to move mountains just to make the children feel that I am still "there."  "Being there" is something I would always work hard at establishing.  I know full well that nothing could compensate for the physical presence, to be able to give an actual hug, a kiss... But given the situation, there is nothing I can do about that but I could definitely find creative ways to demonstrate that yes, Nanay is still there for them, in more ways than one.  That, and to be able to show them clearly just how much I love them and how much they mean to me.  But yeah, soon for the real, warm hugs... I love you so much, Rod.

T stands for Tatay Teammate

I watched amused as Tatay read the letter I had written for Rod when I was pregnant with him. I knew it was long and I was pretty sure Tatay would not have the patience to see it through till the end.

True enough, after a mouthful of somewhat difficult English words, Tatay's brow came together and then he said, "Ayaw taasa kaayo, Nay! (Don't make it too long, Nanay!) I almost laughed out loud. Instead, I retorted in an affirming tone, " Yeah, I know. But that's how that is since it was heartfelt." I did agree about looking for a shorter post and made a mental note.

But yeah, I appreciate the fact that Tatay is again one with me on this. On our second day, he was even the one urging me to share the day's installment so that he and Rod can read it when they arrive at home later that day.

Thank you, Tatay for recognizing the importance of this little project.  It comforts me no end knowing that you also value nurturing our relationship with the children. Know that you made me truly happy. Salamat.

100 Hair Strokes

Forest and I had a quick skype call, today.  They had been trying to reach me since at around 5 PM their time.  That would be 12 noon, my time.  I was, however, sound asleep.  I think, several weeks of working non-stop, sleeping really late and having no weekend has finally taken it's toll.  After cooking and having breakfast, I felt sleepy and so I decided to just laze it a bit and went to bed.  I must have dozed off.  Waking up later at 3 PM, I realised I've slept soundly for 6 hours! (This explains why I'm still wide awake till now :P)

I quickly called them back and Tatay's curt opening was, "Asa diay ka?! (Where have you been?)"  He sounded a bit irritated and a tad suspicious :P  So I told them I fell asleep.  He urged me to go back to sleep but I heard Forest's cute, little voice in the background.  

They were already preparing to sleep as it was already 8 PM, their time.  Forest has just finished taking a bath and her hair was at a disaray.  I pointed it out to her and asked if nobody has taken my place to comb her hair 100 times at night.  Her quick reply, "Na-miss ko na nga, Nay.  Nakaiyak nga ako, naalala ko wala na nagasuklay ng buhok ko! (I miss those moments, Nanay.  I remembered it the other day and I cried!)"

What can I say to that?  I told her I missed those moments too and that I'm looking forward to doing that again when I get back home.

I miss you, Baby Forest.  Nanay can't wait so I can enjoy your hugs and kisses again.  While we exchange a lot of those through our skype calls, I know they could never compensate for the real thing.  I love you!