(Of Getting Married, Having Cold Feet, Uncertainties and Love)
In the almost three years of a shared relationship, of being constantly together, sharing adventures, travels, triumphs, successes, failures, grief and problems, I thought I already know who B is as a person. Oh, I’ve had had enough philosophy lectures in the past to know that one’s becoming is a never-ending process and thus am also perfectly aware that I have not come to know B’s totality yet despite our constant togetherness. Yet, I thought I know enough of him to love, hate, appreciate and dislike him and yes, consider sharing my life with him. Yet, I think I have come to appreciate him the more the past days while we are busy taking care of all the details and requirements for our nearing “exchange of vows.”
Gentle and kid at heart. Kind and fun-loving. Has fears as big as mine but looks at the future as something that is best treated as it comes… We had spent the weekend on a Pre-Cana Seminar. Yep, another one of those requirements. While neither of us really expressed it, I know both of us look forward to the seminar, looking forward to learning as much as we can about this life that we are about face. His “eagerness” became apparent when he would constantly remind me that we have to be early come Saturday. Knowing my penchant for lingering in bed a lot longer than usual during mornings, he constantly urged me the day before the seminar to really wake up early and to prepare my things beforehand.
Personally, I was both eager and not wanting to go to the seminar. Eager, since as I said, I know married life is not a joke and not an easy decision to make. I know we need all the learning we can get. While I know the seminar would not be able to answer all of my questions on the subject, I know that I’ll still be learning much from it. As for not wanting to go, well, the fact that it is a “requirement,” I guess, turned me off a bit hehehe Well, that’s true… a bit of the rebel in me I guess… Another reason for it, I think, is that I know we will be talking about “realities” during the seminar. And let’s face it, while I have not come to this decision close-mindedly and not knowing exactly what I’m getting myself into, these “married-life-realities” are things I don’t want to face yet. Not when time seems to be running out and there are still a lot of things and details that needed to be taken cared of… And lately, I have been very much like what they say about bride-to-be’s: getting cold feet. It wouldn’t be saying the truth If I’d say I am not without my doubts and fears these days.
Fears. Oh believe me, I have more than the usual of them these days. And why not? Getting married, sharing a life with someone, taking on responsibilities, are things that are not easy to contend with. These days, I’m thinking whether what they say about deciding to get married is true – that I’m like picking a stone from the ground to hit my own head with. Am I not just making my life more complicated than it really is by getting married? Come to think of it, I live a pretty comfortable life. I have a work I totally love, I could get to do the things that I want to do, I could get to pursue my passions in life – travel, adventures, physical pursuits, writing... You name it, I am enjoying a pretty blessed life. To top all of that I have a family who loves me and a boyfriend who adores and treats me like a princess (most of the time hehe and not when we're in a fight which is also often, hehe). So who could ask for more? Why complicate things by getting married?
So I sat there, listening to speakers after speakers telling us about the challenges of married life, about the responsibilities of being parents, of changed feelings and frustrations. I felt as if I was sinking right where I was sitting. I turned to B and told him I don’t think I could go on with our decision. I don’t think I am ready to face such a life. While my life was not exactly easy, it wasn’t that hard either. I had had all the support I needed. Oh there were challenges and they had not left me unscathed either but I had since dealt with them, learnt as much as I can from them and moved on. I had already buried my ghosts, made amends with my past and moved on. That is why life had been quite easy the past years – well, except for the pain and loss I felt and still feel at Papa’s death – because there had not been much baggage to carry around.
At my stating my doubts, B just turned back at me and teased me, agreeing with me and saying we won’t be returning for the afternoon sessions. And then he held my hand reassuringly, saying let’s treat everyday as if nothing is different, that we just continue with how we are to each other despite our would-be change in status. Deep down I was thinking, how can we do that when there would be bills to pay, and problems to face? But I saw wisdom in what he was telling me. It did not dawn on me immediately though. I was still awash with fears and uncertainty until the second day of the seminar. It wasn’t until he told me that he has fears about the whole thing as much as I do that I began to think about his words.
Treat everyday as if nothing is different. Not to make a big deal out of it. I had been pestering him, telling him about how fearful I am. His nonchalant attitude only fueled my frustration. I was beginning to think I am the only one who’s totally aware of what we’re getting ourselves into and that he’s being totally dense about it. So the more did my frustration grew. So I asked him , “Aren’t you afraid at all?” Then he replied oh so quietly, “hadlok mo lang,” then he hugged me reassuringly. That was enough to silence me, fears and all.
I am still fearful and unsure even now as I’m writing here but somewhat I am feeling a bit reassured that for all his seeming “shortcomings” and “imperfections,” I have chosen well. God had chosen well in giving me a partner whose simplicity is a perfect match to my complexity and penchant for making a molehill out of nothing. I don’t know what awaits us in the future. Maybe this truth and this part of him would begin to melt into the background once we’re faced with the realities of a shared life. But I pray that I would remember. I pray that all the complexities of a married life would not destroy the inner beauty that we have come to love and appreciate about each other. That instead, we would inspire and help each other achieve the unfolding of each of our own truths and good. How many couples have I seen having started out so beautifully but had turned out so bitter and ugly after being a subject to the realities of married life? I pray that such a lot would not be ours. I pray that I would constantly remember that at one point during the seminar we patted each other’s hand, and agreed we would really work hard not to be swallowed up by all the negativities we are bound to face. Since, definitely, married life is not just all about bliss. It’s not just a bed of roses either. So may God help us both.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Sunday, May 15, 2005
My Wedding Coordinator
I’m sitting here earphones plugged to my ear. I’m listening to “Fascination,” which is an old family favorite. We have two CDs containing the same and we still have the two long play records from long ago that had contained two different interpretations of this wonderful music. Yep, we are that “fascinated” with “Fascination.” =) Our copies are all in instrumentals. I have yet to hear this song being sung.
Lately, I’ve been listening to instrumentals and waltz songs. Came across them a few days ago while I was leafing through my CD collection. I’ve been mulling over what music to compile for the “big” day.
Yup, you’ve read the title of this blog right – “wedding.” Scary huh? I couldn’t believe it myself. Last week, B and I had been to the city hall to see through applying for a marriage license. While I was filling up the application sheet, I couldn’t help but laugh. I was really laughing at myself and finding the entire situation really amusing. It all seemed surreal. I couldn’t believe I was really sitting there with B and filling up an application for a marriage license! Me, getting married?! Is this some kind of a joke? =) I’ve even joked with B that he could still change his mind and so we could just forget the whole thing. His response was why should he change his mind when he’d been wanting it to happen? Hmmm…Then I grew sober. I caught myself saying that this is really it. I’m actually taking steps to changing my status from being a Miss to a Missus! Huh!
The change of status is not the issue really. I guess I could take that in stride. It’s taking on the L.I.F.E. of a “missus” that’s making me take a pause actually. I mean, I’m not totally independent. In fact, in a way I’m still very much dependent on my Mom and even to B on certain things. But, ever since I stepped out of college, started working, and going to all those travels, I’ve enjoyed an independence I never had while growing up as a child. In fact, I so enjoyed such independence that travels and adventures had ranked high on my priority list – “interchangingly” ranking either first or second to work, family and the community I belong to. (Yeah, that bad huh?) And here I am, taking steps towards being “tied” huh? =)
I never thought everything could be this “easy.” Oh, believe me, getting married and seeing through all those things and requirements that needed to be done and accomplished is far from being easy. Before last week, I never knew securing a marriage license would mean having to go to a barangay hall in the middle of nowhere (This is in my case since it is in Cabantian. For B it had been a breeze since their barangay hall is just a walking distance from their home.), going to the nearest health center to take an “exam” which is needed for the Popcom seminar, which in turn is a requirement for getting the license. Huh! And of course, you have to attend the seminar which is a whole day affair. It meant my having to take a leave from work. Yup, can you imagine the inconvenience of it all? But what I meant with “easy” is that I used to think, breaching the whole subject of marriage to Mama would be a next to impossible thing. Well, marriage to B that is. But come to think of it, it maybe just the subject of my getting married, period. After all, whoever it is I present to her, she would find a flaw or two to comment on. I used to think, Bolo and I would never have our chance and that she would never give us her blessing. Ever since Bolo and I talked about pursuing our plans, I’ve had had difficulty trying to bring up the subject to Mama. I was constantly in the lookout for her moods and how she is feeling. Mama is a classic worrywart. She always had a reason to worry over things. I wouldn’t want to catch her when she’s in this particular mood. Nah-ah, no-no, that would be disastrous!
For days I had been joking to her about my walking down the aisle. I’ve been teasing her a lot about wedding details, squeezing it in our conversations. But I could tell she wasn’t talking me seriously. Her comments were noncommittal, which made me suspect she’s probably thinking that “marriage” and “I” wouldn’t be seeing the light of day for another couple of years (She might even be thinking, maybe never? Hehe). And yet, there it was, one morning, I was still in bed and just woken up. She was voicing to me another one of her worries. At that time it was over Niño and his impending vacation. I told her not to worry since Mommy would definitely be coming over during my wedding and so he could go with her in going back to Ubay. Through my half-opened eyes I could see her shoulders stiffening as she had her back on me. I could see it’s starting to dawn on her that I am really serious this time. Then she asked me when would it be. I told her July.
It just flowed from there. I’ve been real careful about keeping the communication between us open. I would want to make her feel that she’s a part of all of it. I don’t want to make her feel left out. With my “impending” change in status, I wouldn’t want her to feel that I am deserting her and that she would be left alone. I know Mama well. I know this is one of her deepest fears. With Papa gone, I know she’s feeling this more often these days.
Mama is the most important person in my life. I just don’t know if it is apparent for all to see but she is. All of my decisions and plans are all in consideration of her. But I guess, it’s the translation of that regard into action that’s proving to be very difficult. It usually is the case when there is much love at stake, which is ironic really. One would think that with love, nothing could go wrong. From experience, the deeper the feelings, the more complicated it gets. This is because the more one “feels,” the more he is made to feel vulnerable, insecure and unsure about a lot of things… Now, could anyone tell me why that is?
My wedding coordinator. With how “smooth” the hurdle with Mama was overcome, I was really convinced that He had a hand in all of these things. It’s as if he’s showing me there’s really nothing to worry about since He’s definitely on top of everything. For all my “foreboding” on the subject, I never thought getting Mama’s attention would be that easy. Once again, my “life” coordinator is at work, smoothing over creases and kinks I never thought that easy to manage. I’ve said this often enough but I’ll never tire saying it. I am indeed blessed.
Lately, I’ve been listening to instrumentals and waltz songs. Came across them a few days ago while I was leafing through my CD collection. I’ve been mulling over what music to compile for the “big” day.
Yup, you’ve read the title of this blog right – “wedding.” Scary huh? I couldn’t believe it myself. Last week, B and I had been to the city hall to see through applying for a marriage license. While I was filling up the application sheet, I couldn’t help but laugh. I was really laughing at myself and finding the entire situation really amusing. It all seemed surreal. I couldn’t believe I was really sitting there with B and filling up an application for a marriage license! Me, getting married?! Is this some kind of a joke? =) I’ve even joked with B that he could still change his mind and so we could just forget the whole thing. His response was why should he change his mind when he’d been wanting it to happen? Hmmm…Then I grew sober. I caught myself saying that this is really it. I’m actually taking steps to changing my status from being a Miss to a Missus! Huh!
The change of status is not the issue really. I guess I could take that in stride. It’s taking on the L.I.F.E. of a “missus” that’s making me take a pause actually. I mean, I’m not totally independent. In fact, in a way I’m still very much dependent on my Mom and even to B on certain things. But, ever since I stepped out of college, started working, and going to all those travels, I’ve enjoyed an independence I never had while growing up as a child. In fact, I so enjoyed such independence that travels and adventures had ranked high on my priority list – “interchangingly” ranking either first or second to work, family and the community I belong to. (Yeah, that bad huh?) And here I am, taking steps towards being “tied” huh? =)
I never thought everything could be this “easy.” Oh, believe me, getting married and seeing through all those things and requirements that needed to be done and accomplished is far from being easy. Before last week, I never knew securing a marriage license would mean having to go to a barangay hall in the middle of nowhere (This is in my case since it is in Cabantian. For B it had been a breeze since their barangay hall is just a walking distance from their home.), going to the nearest health center to take an “exam” which is needed for the Popcom seminar, which in turn is a requirement for getting the license. Huh! And of course, you have to attend the seminar which is a whole day affair. It meant my having to take a leave from work. Yup, can you imagine the inconvenience of it all? But what I meant with “easy” is that I used to think, breaching the whole subject of marriage to Mama would be a next to impossible thing. Well, marriage to B that is. But come to think of it, it maybe just the subject of my getting married, period. After all, whoever it is I present to her, she would find a flaw or two to comment on. I used to think, Bolo and I would never have our chance and that she would never give us her blessing. Ever since Bolo and I talked about pursuing our plans, I’ve had had difficulty trying to bring up the subject to Mama. I was constantly in the lookout for her moods and how she is feeling. Mama is a classic worrywart. She always had a reason to worry over things. I wouldn’t want to catch her when she’s in this particular mood. Nah-ah, no-no, that would be disastrous!
For days I had been joking to her about my walking down the aisle. I’ve been teasing her a lot about wedding details, squeezing it in our conversations. But I could tell she wasn’t talking me seriously. Her comments were noncommittal, which made me suspect she’s probably thinking that “marriage” and “I” wouldn’t be seeing the light of day for another couple of years (She might even be thinking, maybe never? Hehe). And yet, there it was, one morning, I was still in bed and just woken up. She was voicing to me another one of her worries. At that time it was over Niño and his impending vacation. I told her not to worry since Mommy would definitely be coming over during my wedding and so he could go with her in going back to Ubay. Through my half-opened eyes I could see her shoulders stiffening as she had her back on me. I could see it’s starting to dawn on her that I am really serious this time. Then she asked me when would it be. I told her July.
It just flowed from there. I’ve been real careful about keeping the communication between us open. I would want to make her feel that she’s a part of all of it. I don’t want to make her feel left out. With my “impending” change in status, I wouldn’t want her to feel that I am deserting her and that she would be left alone. I know Mama well. I know this is one of her deepest fears. With Papa gone, I know she’s feeling this more often these days.
Mama is the most important person in my life. I just don’t know if it is apparent for all to see but she is. All of my decisions and plans are all in consideration of her. But I guess, it’s the translation of that regard into action that’s proving to be very difficult. It usually is the case when there is much love at stake, which is ironic really. One would think that with love, nothing could go wrong. From experience, the deeper the feelings, the more complicated it gets. This is because the more one “feels,” the more he is made to feel vulnerable, insecure and unsure about a lot of things… Now, could anyone tell me why that is?
My wedding coordinator. With how “smooth” the hurdle with Mama was overcome, I was really convinced that He had a hand in all of these things. It’s as if he’s showing me there’s really nothing to worry about since He’s definitely on top of everything. For all my “foreboding” on the subject, I never thought getting Mama’s attention would be that easy. Once again, my “life” coordinator is at work, smoothing over creases and kinks I never thought that easy to manage. I’ve said this often enough but I’ll never tire saying it. I am indeed blessed.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Adrift in the clouds
May 2, 2005
5:36 P.M.
On Board Cebu Pacific
Suspended somewhere in between
Manila and Davao
Hmm... experiencing some kind of "turbulence" at the moment. Quite a bumpy ride we're having. We must be somewhere above Negros. I remember experiencing the same thing when I was on my way to Iloilo last year. Hmm... this is funny. Only a while back we had quite a smooth take off and a smooth flight. Just when I'm about to settle down into writing, our ride suddenly becomes bumpy. Hmm...
Smooth. My ordeal at the airport earlier was everything but smooth. It turned out I was supposed to take the 4:30 A.M. ride back home. Huh! And there I was unsuspectingly turned my ticket in an hour before 4:00 P.M!
Hmm.. I'm thinking, I'm also at fault since I haven't scrutinized my ticket a lot earlier. On, second thought, it's not that at all. I did! How may times have I looked at my ticket ever since it was given to me just to check time and again that my flight would be at 4:30 P.M. I needed to know since B had to know the exact time of my arrival. He had to, in order to have his leaving Tagum and arriving in Davao in time for my own arrival also. And, Ate Jean and I also had to make sure we're on the same flight because of the amount of materials and books we are bringing along with us. And I did asked Jean R. time and again to check and to make sure that Te Jean and I would be on the same flight. (We were not together in going to Manila since she was at Catarman at the time.)She assured me we were! I also did not suspect anything amiss since I was also informed that there is no longer a 4:30 A.M. flight for Davao-Manila and vice-versa. Huh!
Hmm... turbulence again. Well, it is a cloudy day and the pilot just informed us we're somewhere above Butuan and that we'll be starting our descent for Davao, eighteen minutes from now. Eighteen minutes! The wonder and convenience of air travel. By bus, it would take one 8 "hours" to get to Davao from Butuan and vice-versa.
Hohum... I was hoping for an Apo sighting but the whole landscape below me seemed to be blanketed by dark clouds. It must be raining down there. It seems we're starting our descent. well, I couldn't wait to get home and rest. See Mama and Baby Janin too. Miss her kakulitan already.
Janin. This pamangkin of mine has come quite attached to me lately. Given the situation, I cold perfectly understand why. Lots of things on my mind on this. I'm wishing things were a lot different than they are now -- for my Mom and brother's sake. They could do without much of this trouble. But as it is, we could hardly have any control over the situation. I just wish Mama would not be as affected by it as she seems to be. I'm praying too that my brother is not as broken-hearted as I'm suspecting he is. I'm sure knowing that he's adopted, his also wishing a complete, happy family for himself. But sadly, such is not the case.
I don't know what to hope for anymore. I don't know whether I should hope and pray that the situation would correct itself both for my pamangkin's sake and my brother's. Yet, I don't know what consequences would such hopes also bring. Would it only mean more hurt for my brother in the future? Or, would it mean a fulfillment of his dreams after having to go through such a "test."
Ah... I am indeed in the cradle of God's embrace both literally -- being suspended in air close enough to touch His face -- and figuratively. Because, i could sense Him whispering to me reassuringly -- that He is in control of the situation, of my life and of those of my loved ones. It's as if He's telling me, in time I would be able to understand His plans for all of us. In time I would understand why my brother and my pamangkin had to go through all these pain.
Ah... Apo is covered alright with a clump of clouds but Mt. Talomo is giving me a glimpse of one of her slopes. At a distance is a strip of a very orangy chasm peeking amidst a sea of gray clouds. Wait! Ah... there it is, Apo's peak! She showed herself to me after all... blue and majestic, proud and beautiful...
God's abode. Apo. I hope to climb her again sometime soon. For now, it's back to solid ground for me in a few minutes. Back to my responsibilies and some "reality-concerns." But it is enough that I got to take a glimpse of Apo. For now.
Hmm... Davao City below is quite a sight with specks of orangy light flickering like candle lights. Night is just setting in, signaling the turning on of the numerous lamp posts that would be lighting the city streets... It's good to be home once again.
5:36 P.M.
On Board Cebu Pacific
Suspended somewhere in between
Manila and Davao
Hmm... experiencing some kind of "turbulence" at the moment. Quite a bumpy ride we're having. We must be somewhere above Negros. I remember experiencing the same thing when I was on my way to Iloilo last year. Hmm... this is funny. Only a while back we had quite a smooth take off and a smooth flight. Just when I'm about to settle down into writing, our ride suddenly becomes bumpy. Hmm...
Smooth. My ordeal at the airport earlier was everything but smooth. It turned out I was supposed to take the 4:30 A.M. ride back home. Huh! And there I was unsuspectingly turned my ticket in an hour before 4:00 P.M!
Hmm.. I'm thinking, I'm also at fault since I haven't scrutinized my ticket a lot earlier. On, second thought, it's not that at all. I did! How may times have I looked at my ticket ever since it was given to me just to check time and again that my flight would be at 4:30 P.M. I needed to know since B had to know the exact time of my arrival. He had to, in order to have his leaving Tagum and arriving in Davao in time for my own arrival also. And, Ate Jean and I also had to make sure we're on the same flight because of the amount of materials and books we are bringing along with us. And I did asked Jean R. time and again to check and to make sure that Te Jean and I would be on the same flight. (We were not together in going to Manila since she was at Catarman at the time.)She assured me we were! I also did not suspect anything amiss since I was also informed that there is no longer a 4:30 A.M. flight for Davao-Manila and vice-versa. Huh!
Hmm... turbulence again. Well, it is a cloudy day and the pilot just informed us we're somewhere above Butuan and that we'll be starting our descent for Davao, eighteen minutes from now. Eighteen minutes! The wonder and convenience of air travel. By bus, it would take one 8 "hours" to get to Davao from Butuan and vice-versa.
Hohum... I was hoping for an Apo sighting but the whole landscape below me seemed to be blanketed by dark clouds. It must be raining down there. It seems we're starting our descent. well, I couldn't wait to get home and rest. See Mama and Baby Janin too. Miss her kakulitan already.
Janin. This pamangkin of mine has come quite attached to me lately. Given the situation, I cold perfectly understand why. Lots of things on my mind on this. I'm wishing things were a lot different than they are now -- for my Mom and brother's sake. They could do without much of this trouble. But as it is, we could hardly have any control over the situation. I just wish Mama would not be as affected by it as she seems to be. I'm praying too that my brother is not as broken-hearted as I'm suspecting he is. I'm sure knowing that he's adopted, his also wishing a complete, happy family for himself. But sadly, such is not the case.
I don't know what to hope for anymore. I don't know whether I should hope and pray that the situation would correct itself both for my pamangkin's sake and my brother's. Yet, I don't know what consequences would such hopes also bring. Would it only mean more hurt for my brother in the future? Or, would it mean a fulfillment of his dreams after having to go through such a "test."
Ah... I am indeed in the cradle of God's embrace both literally -- being suspended in air close enough to touch His face -- and figuratively. Because, i could sense Him whispering to me reassuringly -- that He is in control of the situation, of my life and of those of my loved ones. It's as if He's telling me, in time I would be able to understand His plans for all of us. In time I would understand why my brother and my pamangkin had to go through all these pain.
Ah... Apo is covered alright with a clump of clouds but Mt. Talomo is giving me a glimpse of one of her slopes. At a distance is a strip of a very orangy chasm peeking amidst a sea of gray clouds. Wait! Ah... there it is, Apo's peak! She showed herself to me after all... blue and majestic, proud and beautiful...
God's abode. Apo. I hope to climb her again sometime soon. For now, it's back to solid ground for me in a few minutes. Back to my responsibilies and some "reality-concerns." But it is enough that I got to take a glimpse of Apo. For now.
Hmm... Davao City below is quite a sight with specks of orangy light flickering like candle lights. Night is just setting in, signaling the turning on of the numerous lamp posts that would be lighting the city streets... It's good to be home once again.
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