My Wedding Coordinator

I’m sitting here earphones plugged to my ear. I’m listening to “Fascination,” which is an old family favorite. We have two CDs containing the same and we still have the two long play records from long ago that had contained two different interpretations of this wonderful music. Yep, we are that “fascinated” with “Fascination.” =) Our copies are all in instrumentals. I have yet to hear this song being sung.

Lately, I’ve been listening to instrumentals and waltz songs. Came across them a few days ago while I was leafing through my CD collection. I’ve been mulling over what music to compile for the “big” day.

Yup, you’ve read the title of this blog right – “wedding.” Scary huh? I couldn’t believe it myself. Last week, B and I had been to the city hall to see through applying for a marriage license. While I was filling up the application sheet, I couldn’t help but laugh. I was really laughing at myself and finding the entire situation really amusing. It all seemed surreal. I couldn’t believe I was really sitting there with B and filling up an application for a marriage license! Me, getting married?! Is this some kind of a joke? =) I’ve even joked with B that he could still change his mind and so we could just forget the whole thing. His response was why should he change his mind when he’d been wanting it to happen? Hmmm…Then I grew sober. I caught myself saying that this is really it. I’m actually taking steps to changing my status from being a Miss to a Missus! Huh!

The change of status is not the issue really. I guess I could take that in stride. It’s taking on the L.I.F.E. of a “missus” that’s making me take a pause actually. I mean, I’m not totally independent. In fact, in a way I’m still very much dependent on my Mom and even to B on certain things. But, ever since I stepped out of college, started working, and going to all those travels, I’ve enjoyed an independence I never had while growing up as a child. In fact, I so enjoyed such independence that travels and adventures had ranked high on my priority list – “interchangingly” ranking either first or second to work, family and the community I belong to. (Yeah, that bad huh?) And here I am, taking steps towards being “tied” huh? =)

I never thought everything could be this “easy.” Oh, believe me, getting married and seeing through all those things and requirements that needed to be done and accomplished is far from being easy. Before last week, I never knew securing a marriage license would mean having to go to a barangay hall in the middle of nowhere (This is in my case since it is in Cabantian. For B it had been a breeze since their barangay hall is just a walking distance from their home.), going to the nearest health center to take an “exam” which is needed for the Popcom seminar, which in turn is a requirement for getting the license. Huh! And of course, you have to attend the seminar which is a whole day affair. It meant my having to take a leave from work. Yup, can you imagine the inconvenience of it all? But what I meant with “easy” is that I used to think, breaching the whole subject of marriage to Mama would be a next to impossible thing. Well, marriage to B that is. But come to think of it, it maybe just the subject of my getting married, period. After all, whoever it is I present to her, she would find a flaw or two to comment on. I used to think, Bolo and I would never have our chance and that she would never give us her blessing. Ever since Bolo and I talked about pursuing our plans, I’ve had had difficulty trying to bring up the subject to Mama. I was constantly in the lookout for her moods and how she is feeling. Mama is a classic worrywart. She always had a reason to worry over things. I wouldn’t want to catch her when she’s in this particular mood. Nah-ah, no-no, that would be disastrous!

For days I had been joking to her about my walking down the aisle. I’ve been teasing her a lot about wedding details, squeezing it in our conversations. But I could tell she wasn’t talking me seriously. Her comments were noncommittal, which made me suspect she’s probably thinking that “marriage” and “I” wouldn’t be seeing the light of day for another couple of years (She might even be thinking, maybe never? Hehe). And yet, there it was, one morning, I was still in bed and just woken up. She was voicing to me another one of her worries. At that time it was over Niño and his impending vacation. I told her not to worry since Mommy would definitely be coming over during my wedding and so he could go with her in going back to Ubay. Through my half-opened eyes I could see her shoulders stiffening as she had her back on me. I could see it’s starting to dawn on her that I am really serious this time. Then she asked me when would it be. I told her July.

It just flowed from there. I’ve been real careful about keeping the communication between us open. I would want to make her feel that she’s a part of all of it. I don’t want to make her feel left out. With my “impending” change in status, I wouldn’t want her to feel that I am deserting her and that she would be left alone. I know Mama well. I know this is one of her deepest fears. With Papa gone, I know she’s feeling this more often these days.

Mama is the most important person in my life. I just don’t know if it is apparent for all to see but she is. All of my decisions and plans are all in consideration of her. But I guess, it’s the translation of that regard into action that’s proving to be very difficult. It usually is the case when there is much love at stake, which is ironic really. One would think that with love, nothing could go wrong. From experience, the deeper the feelings, the more complicated it gets. This is because the more one “feels,” the more he is made to feel vulnerable, insecure and unsure about a lot of things… Now, could anyone tell me why that is?

My wedding coordinator. With how “smooth” the hurdle with Mama was overcome, I was really convinced that He had a hand in all of these things. It’s as if he’s showing me there’s really nothing to worry about since He’s definitely on top of everything. For all my “foreboding” on the subject, I never thought getting Mama’s attention would be that easy. Once again, my “life” coordinator is at work, smoothing over creases and kinks I never thought that easy to manage. I’ve said this often enough but I’ll never tire saying it. I am indeed blessed.