Long-Distance Relationship

Nope, I’m not talking about mine and B’s temporarily being apart as of the moment. First and foremost, he’s already home since last Saturday, just in time for my being discharged at the hospital.

Yup, been in the hospital last week. Had a severe case of hyper-acidity that apparently led to another case of PTL. Translate that to – Pr-term Labor. The funny thing was, I didn’t know I was having PTL. I just attributed the pain and the weakness to the hyper-acidity attack. The good thing is, little B’s heartbeat proved to be steady and strong. He’s being monitored by the hour and hearing the steady heartbeat was somewhat reassuring. He sure is hanging on there quite well and I am truly grateful.

I’m still feeling somewhat weak and lethargic even as of the moment. I feel exhausted and tired. The advice had been complete bed rest but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do just that. On my third day in the hospital and I was already tearing at my hair out of boredom. There was TV and all but even that was not enough to quell the restlessness I was feeling. I was very eager to go home. On my second day, B was able to find a signal and contact me. I didn’t want to inform him lest he would worry. But I felt he ought to know too so I told him I am in the hospital. I was firm in telling him though, that he need not worry and go home since I’m fine. I assured him that both of his B’s are fine. I told him too not to worry lest he would not be able to concentrate much at work. And at the rate that they are doing – enduring the rain and all – I didn’t want him distracted. It could very well mean his safety.

But I should have known nothing could keep him away from coming home. I was waiting for my doctor’s advice, fully dressed up (making it clear that I was dead-set about going home) when the door opened and there he was smiling sheepishly. Even without his backpack, he still very much look like he had come from the mountains he-he-he. But it was still lovely being able to look at his face finally. I scowled at him and asked about his work. He reassured me that everything is well and that his guests will spend the remaining days in Samal instead. When I told him he shouldn’t have bothered to come home, he smiled sheepishly and told me he had been waiting for the slightest excuse to come home. He had really been terribly homesick since their third day there and no amount of assurance could have kept him away.

Being apart had taught me a lot of things. For one, it tore me away from my dependency dramas he-he-he. I found out I could very well go home on my own, look for my own food when hungry, buy vitamins on my own, etc. etc. I could manage all these things without having to rely on him… While I’m still looking for the “comfort” that being fussed over brings, I feel humbled at being made to face that, dependency dramas notwithstanding, I could very well stand on my own two feet.

But it is not this kind of long-distance relationship that I have intended to write about in the first place. I just realized that somewhere along the way, I have distanced myself from one of the most important relationship I’ve ever had – that with my God.

Last weekend, adhering to the bed rest advice, I laid in bed most of the time. To while my time away, I read some magazines and books. At one point, I found myself being glued to the television, watching MTV. It’s one of those segments wherein they feature some local artist or band. At that time, they had on Barbie Alamabis. During the show, she would sometimes talk about her relationship with Him. She exudes nothing but positive vibe. I recognized the feeling. I identified with it. There was once a time I had exactly been like that – so in love and so awed by Him that you simply can’t stop yourself from sharing how He had created such an impact in your life. When she sang their new song, “Buildings,” my heart was totally wretched. It dawned on me that somewhere in the pit of my being, I am nursing a longing and an emptiness so big. At this point in my life, I am having a “distant” relationship with my God. Oh, I still go to church though not as frequently as before… But it’s the “connection” that I miss more than anything. If before, the relationship had been so established, right now, I could not claim that it is… I don’t know. Maybe the chasm is being created, and is becoming bigger everyday, by my not being able to attend prayer meetings for months now… Oh, how I yearn to go. Every Friday, I would dress up in the morning with the intention of going but something would always come up. Either that or I have no one to accompany me. Neither B nor Mama is keen about going and in my present condition, I couldn’t very well go on my own.

If B’s absence had made such an impact, for sure it is nothing compared to the “separation” I’m experiencing now. While I still nurture a great love for my God who had never failed to sustain me, it is different still, somewhat. Just as every relationship, in order to truly nurture it, it needed some semblance of “togetherness” where the persons sharing the relationship are spending some time together, exchanging thoughts, ideas, love… I long to profess again the love I have for Him, to tell Him how much I appreciated all the things He has done for me. He had given me the desires of my heart, even before I knew they were what I truly desire. Everyday He sustains not only me but my love ones as well. Every night, while I lay in the cradle of the one whom He had gifted me with, I can’t help but be grateful for all the contentment I’m enjoying in my life at the moment. I long to feel the familiar stirrings again, when my heart would sing and soar at being in His presence… It’s difficult to express really. It’s something that I know not everybody could identify with…

Missing B

It's been more than a week. I've been getting by fine even without him. The first day had been the hardest. It was tough facing the end of my day at work without him showing up so we could go home together. Seeing each other at the end of the day had been a ritual we had closely adhered to, even early on in our relationship. We had kept at it even now. That first day, my tears fell like rain hehehe I couldn't help it. It also did not help when he texted me right on the time he would have fetched me to inform me he had already arrived at their destination. He was texting me his usual reminders -- not to walk alone, take a ride in fetching Mama, etc. etc. It made his absence all the more glaring.

But after that first day, I had managed to get on by quite fairly. Work kept me busy and I try not to think of him when it's finally time to go home. It's being at home that sometimes proved to be tough. The house just seemed too empty without him...

Ah... miss you B. Hope everything is fine at your end. Ingat lagi.

Blowing Kisses in the Wind

Blowing kisses in the wind,
Hoping they'll find their mark.
Blowing kisses in the wind,
bidding them to travel the distance
that separates me from you.
To hold you,
Watch you while you sleep,
Touch your hair and smoothen
them back from your temple,
mouthing good mornings,
exchanging smiles,
a quick hug before sluggishly
rising out of bed,
shared laughter,
quiet conversations,
Your hand touching mine,
all these would have to wait...
So for now, I'm blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing they'll hit their mark...
Blowing kisses in the wind,
knowing you'll feel them too...
Ingat ka rin lagi, B.

He's Leaving Me

I lay beside him, already in my office get-up, trying to fight back the tears... At the other side of him are his mountaineering stuff and supplies -- some neatly piled up while others are thrown haphazardly about. I was giving him last minute reminders, running through my mental checklist of what he should be bringing with him in his 15-day "mountaineering engagement."

It would be the first time since we got married that we are to be separated for this long. Oh, there were several weekends when he had to leave me for similar concerns but this is to be the longest yet. And it just occured to me that this is the first time that he's going to a climb without me. Preparing our stuff and supplies used to be a shared responsibility and activity. We usually would have to decide what goes into my bag and his. The heavy stuff goes into his (hehehe)while the lighter ones goes into mine. But I do have my share of carrying our supplies too. I usually would be allotted one or two kilos of rice along with the other lighter grocery stuff. Still, his bag would be much bigger and would stand towering over my much smaller backpack. Ah, those were the days...

I reiterated to him that I've already prepared his shoes, his mess kit, etc., etc. I insisted on his bringing with him the little supplies I've put together. Being semi-vegetarian had always posed a problem. We usually would have to bring our own supplies and groceries since we couldn't impose on our meat-eating friends to adopt a semi-vegetarian menu for the entire duration of our out-of-town trips and climbs. Lately though, they have made some allowances for us thus reducing the amount of vegetables he would have to carry with him hehehe. He told me I need not worry since he was informed that the group he will be with will be adhering to a no-meat menu. I still insisted, telling him he could not take any chances. There are, after all, no grocery stores in the mountains.

With reluctance, I stood up to leave. Any minute longer and I would be late for the office. I tried to appear nonchalant. I know it's difficult for him also. He had been dubious about going on the trip since he thought it too long. But then again, business is business. And he had to go. If I would give in to the tears, I know it would be difficult for him to leave too so I forced on a smile. He had his own set of reminders too for me -- not to go home late, be with Mama in going home as much as possible... He reminded me to attend the meeting for the Kayaking club on Wednesday... And most importantly, to take care of "ourselves" and no "laag" while he is gone. He told me he will be texting me. Well, there is indeed some signal on some parts of the trail. I know this for a fact, myself. I told him not to forget to pray constantly and that he take care of himself too. I asked him to make a little prayer of "request" when he gets to the peak for our "little project" come November or December :) Haay, I'm fighting the tears, even now. I miss him even now. Good Luck B. Hope you'd enjoy your stay there somewhat. Say hello to that great mountain for me. I miss being in her midst, myself. Take care always and Godspeed.