Feeding the Right Wolf

An elder Cherokee chief took his grandchildren into the forest and sat them down and said to them,
“A fight is going on inside me. This is a terrible fight and it is a fight between two wolves.
One wolf is the wolf of fear, anger, arrogance and greed.
The other wolf is the wolf of courage, kindness, humility and love.”

The children were very quiet and listening to their grandfather with both their ears.
He then said to them, “This same fight between the two wolves that is going on inside of me is going on inside of you, and inside every person.”
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked the chief, “Grandfather, which wolf will win the fight?”
He said quietly, “The one you feed.”


A good friend forwarded the above story to me. She found it somewhere in the internet... And I thanked her for forwarding it to me (Thanks Jen)

Last night, I dubbed some joyful songs for an officemate. The words, "I will praise You with all of my life..." floated right at me. And a certain quiet enveloped me. It's a quiet borne out of a longing, of knowing that an aspect in my life had been neatly folded up and set aside because I am preoccupied with taking on the role of a mother and a wife. I am now not as active as I was with my community in the past. And I long for that part of my life now.

At this point in my life I'm still struggling at tyring to keep a balance between my responsibilities as a family "woman" and that of my job. I want to be good at both. Because, I love both. My love for my family is a given. They always come first. But I believe so much in what we do at work too. I believe this is where I do God's work for Him. This is where I serve Him best. But taking on the role of a mother and wife is not easy. Well, motherhood is fine as I have an angel for a son. It's the wife-part that proved tricky to me.

Being a wife I am confronted with several "tensions" -- being understanding vs. being myopic; being trusting vs. being dubious; being self-giving vs. being selfish and self-centered. I ride these tensions every now and then, being pulled from one end to another. And I'm trying to understand why that is.

As a girlfriend I used to be so secure about myself and where I am in Bolo's life. The thought of losing him, while (very)painful, is something that does not bother me much. The prevailing thought then had been that I am pretty much content the way I am. I have a job I love that pays well enough to afford me some of my hobbies and interests. I have a supportive family too that I could count on at all times. So it wouldn't be that bad really. But now... I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the role? Maybe I've seen enough telenovelas and internalized the scenes in that I am now performing my role as a wife from these "subconscious" feedings? hehehe yeah right. But how else could I explain this sudden change in me? I am thinking it has something to do with expectations. My expectations of what marriage should be, what husbands should be, etc. etc. It's when Bolo fell short of these expectations that would have me in a fit. Thus the tendency to nag.

Yeah, nag. Just the thought of me turning into a nagging wife is enough to give me the shivers. I want to examine my feelings closely so I wouldn't have to go that far. Because definitely, I wouldn't want to feed the wrong wolf in me. When I took my vows almost a year ago (huh! how time flies indeed!), I took them very seriously. I wouldn't just want to be Bolo's wife because of the fact that we were wed and we signed a contract. I want to be a wife to him who will help him see the value of the relationship and who would help him become the best that he could be. I am expecting the same thing from Bolo. If there's something that I want it's that we would both "grow" together, be better persons. That and that Bolo won't feel sorry that he had married me hahaha I'm not :)