Sifting Through Information

The tricycle driver scoffed at us when we told him the CT scan costs four thousand. He said that is the first time he heard that such a “minor” procedure cost as much. He turned to us and said that his own Mom had been in and out of the hospital due to stroke and that all the procedures are familiar to him because of that. He said the CT scan entails being attached with wires on certain parts of the body and then be connected to a certain machine which will do the reading. I immediately thought that he probably mistook ECG for CT scan. In a know-it-all tone he told us CT scan will only cost around 150 to 200 pesos. Then he muttered under his breath, “Four thousand!” Bolo and I exchanged knowing looks and just smiled at each other.

After that he told us to go to the office next to the hospital entrance. He said it is where we could get discount for certain procedures. He said we only have to fill in forms there and then we could save a lot of money if we do that. He also shared with us other important information. While he was sharing all these, I sat there and said to myself, “These, these, are what I needed to hear.” I felt he was our driver then and not anyone else because of information that he had to share..

The experience taught me a great deal about having a discerning heart. Often times, we get to hear about certain things and we begin to feel bad and stop at that. Sometimes if we hear certain people talk about a person we readily assume what they said to be true even if we haven’t met the person personally yet.

I learned in the past how life and the universe give you exactly what you want and the answers to your question. That is why you have to be clear as to what your questions are and the things that you really want. Otherwise the answers could have slapped you right in your face and you just didn’t know it.

If I readily judged Manong driver to be ignorant based on the things he said about the CT scan then I also would not have learned of the other things that he had to say which proved really helpful later on. Sometimes a person had to open his mouth only once and we immediately make our judgment. Even I am guilty of that sometimes… Often times we had one bad experience with a person and we stop there, have him stamped and labeled as such as if he is not entitled to change and his own growth… I wonder why is that?

Ah, I’m very much fond of truth. Otherwise I wouldn’t have taken Philosophy as a course. We have this saying in college how difficult it is to love “Sophia” (knowledge, truth) but we love her anyway. And so despite the difficulty, of being misled at times, I still continue to seek for her, to yearn for her… to sift through layers demi-truth just to behold her in her purest form. (I’m talking shop I know hehehe but I’m sure philosophy lovers would know exactly what I mean…)

Given all the information overload in our world these days – and I meant “information” in every way and sense – it is quite easy to be misled and to close ourselves to further realities and truths. It is so easy to believe in one thing and to stick to it no matter what. We make judgments and we cling to it till the end of time. We tend to forget that life is ever evolving. Persons are always changing. And that we have a wonderful God who is constantly and patiently working on the good of each one of us.

Each one of us is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. That few persons who have hurt me just recently are also works in progress. So I certainly have no business feeling bitter and unforgiving. Doing so is tantamount to “not believing.” And I do believe. And everyday I cling to such faith. It’s not difficult to. How can it be difficult when everyday I feel His kindness even when I may be right smack in the middle of a personal battle and problems…

Thank you Father God.

Dios Mabalos

I sat at the back of the session hall. There was a lull in the sessions as the participants were having a workshop. Professor went up to me and sat beside me. Then he said, “Rodilyn-san, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for everything you’ve done for the project. I’ve been told everything sped up when you took charge of it. Thank you very much.”

I was speechless. I muttered an incoherent response, making light of my involvement for the project. I was never good at handling compliments. It always embarrasses me. I’ve read somewhere that such an attitude is not healthy as it implies having a low self-esteem. It said that being able to accept compliments well is an indication of self-confidence. So where does that leave me huh? :(

Anyway, back to that encounter, it came at the most opportune time. I came to the Legazpi training with a heavy heart. I wallowed in uncertainty. I was at a point wherein I was beginning to question my own abilities. For several months at that time I was made to feel inept. As if I do not know what I’m doing. I’m not sure what is it about myself that made them assume as such. Is it because I don’t have such a strong personality? Well, on the outside that is. But how many times have I proven that looks could be deceiving? I’ve accomplished feats no “weakling” could have done… Is it because I choose to remain quiet and do my own thing than be bubbly and  opinionated on things I feel I have no right to.  Nor, do I want to waste my time to give my opinion on (especially when it is about other people's lives). Is that it?

In short, I was at that time really running on empty. Fresh from the miscarriage, I am feeling a bit low, experiencing some mild post-partum blues. Well, who wouldn’t? Given all that I’ve been through and the lack of support I got from the persons whom I thought would understand most… But ah, I did not want to write about that. It wasn’t my intention at all to write about my angst. After all, truthfully, I’m way past feeling all that already.

I wanted to write about this phrase I learned in Legazpi that I fell in love with. “Dios Mabalos” is how they say, “Thank you” in Legazpi. Its literal meaning is, “God will repay…” It is meant as a good wish or a blessing bestowed on a person in exchange for a good deed received or for a certain kindness shown.

I think it’s a nice way of saying, “thank you” or of showing gratitude. It meant the act of kindness received was truly appreciated in that no amount of gratitude is enough and so the wish that God will repay the person for his/her kindness…

July is a special month for me since not only do I celebrate my birthday on this month but because our anniversary fall on this month as well. In other words, there are a lot to thank God for during this month.

Bolo and I went to hear Mass on my birthday. As I knelt down to pray, the above phrase came to mind and I thought, how could I say “thank you” to a God who is the source of all blessings? I thought, how could I say, “Dios Mabalos” to Him when He could hardly “repay” Himself for His own kindness...

Then it just came to me, it is “I” who would do the “repaying.” How I live my life -- to live it in such a way that would be pleasing to His eyes, -- would be my “repayment” for all the blessings He have gifted me with. I grow sober at the thought. After all, I am certain that not everything I’ve done is pleasing to His eyes.

For everything I’ve been through the past months, I’m not sure if the manner with which I chose to “react” to those situations would be something that would be pleasing to Him. For sure the attitude, the stance and the state of being I chose to face all those problems are far from being “exemplary.” I was bitter, remorseful, woeful… The result? I was unhappy like h***. So where is the “state of grace” in all of that?

One thing I’m realizing now is that how others made me feel at that point was my own choice and my own doing. They were just being themselves. Whether there was something wrong with how they were or how they conduct being themselves is something that is beyond me really. How I choose to react however, that, certainly is my sole responsibility… And looking back I know I failed dismally to be the best that I can be in handling the situation.

On the other hand, I also realize now that I too have to be kind to myself. Assessing the situation objectively, I think I have the right to feel the way I did then. I was made to feel insignificant. While I chose to feel that way, I did not choose it out of my own whim…

But enough of that. I declare right at this moment that I will not allow myself to wallow in the negativity of the entire situation. Instead, I choose to rise above all of it. I choose to remind myself that I’ve been through several hurts and I’ve survived past it all… I want to remind myself how I could not afford to let the situation be a burden I’ll be carrying for the rest of my life. Life is short. So short and I choose to live it the best way I can. I choose to live it being happy and feeling grateful than to allow myself to linger on every pain and problem that may come my way.  That would not accomplish anything.  It would only make me feel miserable. I certainly would want to choose to be constantly in the state of grace (If I could help it) than to feel constantly bitter or remorseful if others would do me wrong…

Dios Mabalos. God has been so faithful, so kind in my life. I ought to repay him back in full…

Anibersaryo

Bah! How time flies. Last July 9 Bolo and I celebrated our second year anniversary. Yeah, just the second year. So it seems we still have quite a few more years to hurdle before we get past the so-called "seven-year-itch."

We went to hear the noon Mass at St. Paul with Baby. Next, we went to the in-laws to see if you could leave Baby so we could watch a movie. It wasn't planned at all but we really wanted to see "Transformers" so we made a time for it. We're glad we did. It sure was a nice way to start our "celebration." It sure did lift our spirits up. As most of my friends tell me, it is indeed a great movie. So much so that well into the movie, Bolo turned to me to hug me and tell me that what a great anniversary we're having. Haha!

After that we went to pick Baby and Loren up at Wonderland haha! It sure is very expensive for us to watch a movie these days. It meant spending money for Baby's 3 hours stay at wonderland. We're not sorry though since not only does it buy Bolo and I time for ourselves, Baby also get to interact with other kids. We were expecting we'll find him quite "wilted" already after three hours but there he was in such high spirits. We were already on our way down the escalator and he was still jumping and shouting in delight. Hmm... he takes after his Tatay in that aspect. Being around people energizes Bolo. Baby seems that way too. In my case, it's the opposite. It usually tires me being around so much people especially if the occasion calls for me to interact with all of them hehehe

We had intended to have dinner at our fave Italian Resto but since it was too early yet for dinner, we agreed to eat over at Red Ribbon instead. Also, to treat Loren for being such a dear again and agreeing to watch over Baby for three hours.

By the time we were through at Red Ribbon, Bolo and I were not so eager for the dinner anymore. We're kind of thinking about Mama and Mama Fely waiting for us at home too. So we shelved the plan and thought about just bringing food at home. So we bought lechon. I know, lechon! Haha!

Bolo and I are always wary about spending our money for meat. Every now and then though we make the effort for the family. It turned out they also prepared some "feast" for us at home. They prepared fish for us. So Mama Fely kind of laughed when she found out we bought lechon.

After dinner though Bolo and I went out for the massage we both planned of having for that day. Kind of our treat to each other. Perhaps , to erase all the tensions and worries we had acquired after being married to each other for two years! Haha!

A lot had happened in the last two years... And I must admit they were not always good... Still, I think it's a blessing we've gone this far and are still together... And yeah, there were a lot of blessings too. We still get to travel every now and then and still get to do stuff we both love to do... I pray that more blessings will come and that there'll be more years for us to celebrate our anniversary together... Happy Anniversary B...

Mayon in the Twilight

With the first day of training successfully concluded, Juliet, Te Mameng and I walked back to our hotel feeling content and just a little bit tired. The response of the participants was good. The weariness, more than anything else, was due to the lack of sleep (in order to catch the first flight) and the difficulty sleeping in a new place.

Back at our hotel, we deposited our things and traded our shoes for slippers. Then we trudged back where we came from to catch the jeep bound for Camalig. It took some time for the right jeep to come along that we had to ask some locals if we could indeed take a ride for Cagsawa there.

Yup, Cagsawa was the desired destination that day. Juliet and I had already been there. The visit was more for Ate Mameng’s benefit since it’s her first time in Legazpi.

As expected, having to commute takes so much time. We had to snake through the streets of Legazpi and Daraga before we reached the highway leading to Cagsawa.

It was already late afternoon. The whole experience reminded me so much of the time I went to Miag-ao Church in Iloilo when I was feeling apprehensive about the fading sunlight and how it would very much affect the pictures I wanted to take. This time though, I was feeling less apprehensive. Pictures or not, I am just thankful to have the chance to see Mt. Magayon (as the locals call it) again up close.

There was a point in the busy streets of Daraga when there was a break in the buildings and Mt. Mayon showed herself to us in her full glory. Ah, how beautiful she looked, how majestic.

We where already on the highway when the landscape changed drastically. The buildings and the structures gave way to a big expanse littered every now and then with dead, leafless trees and destroyed, abandoned houses.

Juliet turned to me and informed me that an entire barangay was totally wiped out during a typhoon that hit the province following the recent explosion of Mt. Mayon and we’re looking right at it.

The contrast leaped at me. And I could not help but note with irony how something as beautiful as Mt. Mayon could also be a source of so much destruction.

When we reached the corner of Cagsawa we alighted and began our walk towards the “park.” The place looked desolate in the fading light. What used to be a populous area is covered with mounds and mounds of black sand – lahar. We had to pass by several “mini-streams” and had to cross a shaky piece of coconut log over a raging river that wasn’t there before, in order to get to the ruins. The belfry still stood there but the church ruins where we had our pictures taken before could no longer be discerned from the piles of sand that covered it.

Most of the nearby structures – canteens, inns and big houses lie deserted with their caved-in roofs hanging at the rafters. With the darkness creeping all around us, everything started to feel a bit creepy. No, it’s not really that. More like, there was sadness in the air.

The first time I was at Cagsawa, it never occurred to me that I’m going to see it again in this state. A friend in Legazpi pointed out to me that what happened to Cagsawa now in a way corrects history. She said that the history books stated that the ruins in Cagsawa came to be because of a great explosion by Mt. Mayon sometime in the 1520’s. But with what happened recently, the experience pointed out that having the whole town wiped out was not caused by the explosion itself but the surge of water and deposits from Mayon following a ravaging typhoon. And she’s probably right. Amazing huh? Indeed, life is cyclical… History keeps repeating itself…

Legazpi is a special place for me. Not so much because of Mt. Mayon but because I have come to love the place for all it represents. I’ve encountered a lot of people through the work I do. But the “Albayons” to me are among the happiest people I’ve met. They just laugh more often and always have a joke or two to tell. I think this is a special trait, considering all the hardships that they had to go through every year, being ravished by typhoons every now and then.

If I would bank on my belief of the law of karma then I’d say I might be tied to Legazpi in some “karmic” sense because here I am, drawn to the place. Never did it occur to me that I’d be frequenting the place to render some service of sorts. And yet here I am…

Whatever it is then, I hope to get as much learning as I can from my work in Legazpi and from the people I meet there. As it is I am already learning that the human spirit is pretty much like Mt. Mayon in the twilight – that despite the fading light and the destruction all around you, one can still stand strong and majestic, conquering all storms that may ever come one’s way. Just as the people in Legazpi remain happy and content despite all the hardships they had to go through.

Those that I work with are “development workers” as well. In Legazpi, “development work” entails having to rush to the aide of those affected by typhoons, Mt. Mayon eruption, flash flood and having to deal with victims from wiped-out barangays. I could not imagine the anguish that they might face and how these people could leave their homes also affected by the calamities in order to help others. And despite all that they still remain happy persons, with healthy, joyful countenance.

It’s a reminder to me and my tendency to be upset when things don’t go my way. Lately, I have not been my best self. I have so much expectations of Bolo as a husband. And when he fell short of those expectations, I make sure that he knows about it. I also make his life hell for a while hehehe hmm.. somehow I’m often angry these days, sometimes, even a bit bitter. Yeah, so unlike me.

I think I certainly have difficulty adjusting to married life hehehe That’s the only reason I could think of for being this way these days. I guess all the responsibilities overwhelmed me.

Marriage, indeed , is such a daunting “state of life.” There are just far too many adjustments that one had to make. Oh, it’s not all hardships of course but somehow it’s the “hardships” that leave the best impression.

I pray to remain beautiful inside amidst everything I have to face these days… I pray for focus and clarity of thought. After all, Bolo is such a beautiful person really. He makes me laugh with his sincerity and his “innocence.” Actually, come to think of it, it’s not his fault really if I have such high expectations. It’s my problem not his. And to give him credit, Bolo indeed tries so hard just so he could give me my whim which is just childishness really. Blame all of that to my romantic inclinations and wanting to keep that burning even if our relationship had already evolved past that.

Come to think of it, what more could I ask? Bolo still sneak up to me bearing long-stemmed roses on his back on special occasions. He would come home wearing that sheepish smile on his face, being pleased with himself to have found me a real nice “ukay” blouse. He would cook for me and my friends and do it without shoving it to my face that I owe him big time for that (unilke me hehehe).

Oh, paying the bills, sometimes being short of cash, and not being able to buy the things I want, are “unpleasantries” of married life alright. But I just would have to remind myself constantly that they are not all there is to what Bolo and I have. There’s baby of course, who’s the consistent neutralizer. His smile is enough to wipe all worries away.