He Finds Me as I Sit (and Think)

On my first day of finally settling in here in Nairobi, quite unexpected, but I was able to participate in a Mass celebration right away.  As I sat there, I felt validated again by God’s promise that indeed He finds me (or rather He would be there waiting for me), whether I cross an ocean, climb the highest mountain or be in a valley. I was beyond grateful and humbled. 

As if I needed convincing, one Saturday I found myself sitting inside an MOPH Shrine in a middle of an early morning Mass. The fact that our family family devotion that Mama started is that of Mother of Perpetual Help was not entirely lost on me. I sat there crying as the final hymn spoke of wanderers’ asking for blessings, guidance and protection. Am I not one?  Is God favouring me again by finding ways to ‘speak’ to me?

Finding time to read’s today’s gospel, again He found me while I was just going about my day. The gospel spoke of a lot of things – about Jesus’ defying an image of Him being meek and gentle by rebuking the Pharisee’s and calling out Herod Antipas as a (sly) fox. What struck me the most though was the picture that Jesus painted of God as a hen wanting (desperately) to gather all of His children under His wings.  It shook me to the core and I am fighting my tears right now, reflecting about it.

To me, the image speaks of so much love.  The gospel speaks about God sending one prophet over the other to bring His people back to Him.  And by back to Him, it really meant to be under His care and protection. And yet, as Jesus pointed out, Jerusalem killed them all.  And we all know that even God’s own son did not escape from the same plight.  The reading pointed out that the message of all those prophets is really all about God’s love and His wanting to follow His commandments.

I sit here reflecting on what that means exactly.  I was amused at one point as I caught myself asking, “Which so-called ‘sins’ are acceptable?”  It seems that my “very” human self is trying to find ways to be able to have my cake and eat it too. It’s like I was saying, “Sure, I can give it a shot – following God’s will but I want to also know whether there are certain licenses and ‘leisure’ I still can enjoy while doing so.”  Truly, human flesh speaking :) But then I grew sober when I got reminded by Jesus’ definition of following God’s will and that is to love God with all our hearts and to love our neighbours as ourselves. I readily told myself I do love God. But then again grew quiet as I reflect on how does that love translate into action?  Sure, my heart breaks and tears readily come to mind in as simple as listening to worship songs and reflecting on God’s love and faithfulness to me and my family.  It does not take much thinking though to be certain that, that is not enough. 

If I am to think of “key performance indicators” being the MEAL practitioner that I am, perhaps I could come up with 10 indicators or so.  But I am also thinking that my thoughts and ways would always fall short of God’s own.  What I may think as a way of loving God could exceed or fall short of what God may want and mean. 

I sit here and think that perhaps the journey alone – that self-journey or the finding of the self and of pondering on God’s desires for us—might just be what He asks of us.  Not some grand gesture or action that our human brains can conjure.  Maybe, it could be as simple as being our best self in every situation we find ourselves in. It could simply be, being mindful of our own talents and skills and putting that to good use or spending time to cultivate them even more. It could be as simple as accepting ourselves as who we are – strengths, faults and all – and loving our very selves because God created us so consciously that He lovingly knows of every detail as the exact number of hair on our heads (Luke 12:7).

Indeed, Your thoughts are not our thoughts, God.  And perhaps your desire is for us to continuously live in awe and wonder of all the great things that You do.  Sya nawa.