Mama

 It always amazes me how busy I get around the time of your birthday and anniversary. Like I am barely awake now having worked  all of yesterday till wee hours. I barely had the time to think about anything else. 

Almost missed the early morning Mass for you and was two hours late for our padasal this afternoon. I arrived at 'your place' wearing a blouse inside out.  It was straight from the computer, to grabbing that blouse, urging the kids and off to the car kind of thing. 

Is that your way of making sure I don't think much about you, Mama? 

Yesterday I cried in a middle of navigating a tricky skip logic in the tool (it was easy really but I just remembered you and missed you a lot). The good thing that came out of it was that Rod came to me, tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was okay. His angstsy, teen-age journey had somehow eased a bit of his clingy, touchy tendencies with me and his Tatay. So that touch on the shoulder and asking me how I was, was a gift in itself. I quietly told him, "I miss Lola." He stood there for a while, letting me feel he understood and felt the same way.

Oh, I remembered our silly fights as well, Mama.  Me, expressing my displeasure at your preoccupation with a particular afternoon telenovela.  Forest would watch with you at times  when she wakes up from her afternoon nap.  And we all know TV for her is a no-no. That is why we never upgraded our TV then. It wasn't a priority. But we love you and wanted to give what makes you happy so we kept that TV in the little room upstairs.  

Little did I know that one of Forest's most treasured moments with you were those afternoons.  Last week, she told me how funny it was to watch you rush downstairs to prepare her afternnon merienda and then rush right back up because you did not want to miss a single scene.  She was narrating how you would both race up the stairs, laughing and sit on the floor to continue watching.  You would watch the TV programme but she would watch you with fascination (and love, I could imagine). 

Now, I regret having made so much fuss about that. I could have told you to go watch all the telenovelas you like had I known you'd leave us so soon. I miss you, Mama but I know you are in a much better place. I feel that much of the relative 'ease' I'm enjoying amidst all these uncertainties could be partly because you are 'lawyering' up for us up there.  I could almost picture you hustling. Rest easy in God's loving embrace.