Getting To Know B More Fully

(Of Getting Married, Having Cold Feet, Uncertainties and Love)

In the almost three years of a shared relationship, of being constantly together, sharing adventures, travels, triumphs, successes, failures, grief and problems, I thought I already know who B is as a person. Oh, I’ve had had enough philosophy lectures in the past to know that one’s becoming is a never-ending process and thus am also perfectly aware that I have not come to know B’s totality yet despite our constant togetherness. Yet, I thought I know enough of him to love, hate, appreciate and dislike him and yes, consider sharing my life with him. Yet, I think I have come to appreciate him the more the past days while we are busy taking care of all the details and requirements for our nearing “exchange of vows.”

Gentle and kid at heart. Kind and fun-loving. Has fears as big as mine but looks at the future as something that is best treated as it comes… We had spent the weekend on a Pre-Cana Seminar. Yep, another one of those requirements. While neither of us really expressed it, I know both of us look forward to the seminar, looking forward to learning as much as we can about this life that we are about face. His “eagerness” became apparent when he would constantly remind me that we have to be early come Saturday. Knowing my penchant for lingering in bed a lot longer than usual during mornings, he constantly urged me the day before the seminar to really wake up early and to prepare my things beforehand.

Personally, I was both eager and not wanting to go to the seminar. Eager, since as I said, I know married life is not a joke and not an easy decision to make. I know we need all the learning we can get. While I know the seminar would not be able to answer all of my questions on the subject, I know that I’ll still be learning much from it. As for not wanting to go, well, the fact that it is a “requirement,” I guess, turned me off a bit hehehe Well, that’s true… a bit of the rebel in me I guess… Another reason for it, I think, is that I know we will be talking about “realities” during the seminar. And let’s face it, while I have not come to this decision close-mindedly and not knowing exactly what I’m getting myself into, these “married-life-realities” are things I don’t want to face yet. Not when time seems to be running out and there are still a lot of things and details that needed to be taken cared of… And lately, I have been very much like what they say about bride-to-be’s: getting cold feet. It wouldn’t be saying the truth If I’d say I am not without my doubts and fears these days.

Fears. Oh believe me, I have more than the usual of them these days. And why not? Getting married, sharing a life with someone, taking on responsibilities, are things that are not easy to contend with. These days, I’m thinking whether what they say about deciding to get married is true – that I’m like picking a stone from the ground to hit my own head with. Am I not just making my life more complicated than it really is by getting married? Come to think of it, I live a pretty comfortable life. I have a work I totally love, I could get to do the things that I want to do, I could get to pursue my passions in life – travel, adventures, physical pursuits, writing... You name it, I am enjoying a pretty blessed life. To top all of that I have a family who loves me and a boyfriend who adores and treats me like a princess (most of the time hehe and not when we're in a fight which is also often, hehe). So who could ask for more? Why complicate things by getting married?

So I sat there, listening to speakers after speakers telling us about the challenges of married life, about the responsibilities of being parents, of changed feelings and frustrations. I felt as if I was sinking right where I was sitting. I turned to B and told him I don’t think I could go on with our decision. I don’t think I am ready to face such a life. While my life was not exactly easy, it wasn’t that hard either. I had had all the support I needed. Oh there were challenges and they had not left me unscathed either but I had since dealt with them, learnt as much as I can from them and moved on. I had already buried my ghosts, made amends with my past and moved on. That is why life had been quite easy the past years – well, except for the pain and loss I felt and still feel at Papa’s death – because there had not been much baggage to carry around.

At my stating my doubts, B just turned back at me and teased me, agreeing with me and saying we won’t be returning for the afternoon sessions. And then he held my hand reassuringly, saying let’s treat everyday as if nothing is different, that we just continue with how we are to each other despite our would-be change in status. Deep down I was thinking, how can we do that when there would be bills to pay, and problems to face? But I saw wisdom in what he was telling me. It did not dawn on me immediately though. I was still awash with fears and uncertainty until the second day of the seminar. It wasn’t until he told me that he has fears about the whole thing as much as I do that I began to think about his words.

Treat everyday as if nothing is different. Not to make a big deal out of it. I had been pestering him, telling him about how fearful I am. His nonchalant attitude only fueled my frustration. I was beginning to think I am the only one who’s totally aware of what we’re getting ourselves into and that he’s being totally dense about it. So the more did my frustration grew. So I asked him , “Aren’t you afraid at all?” Then he replied oh so quietly, “hadlok mo lang,” then he hugged me reassuringly. That was enough to silence me, fears and all.

I am still fearful and unsure even now as I’m writing here but somewhat I am feeling a bit reassured that for all his seeming “shortcomings” and “imperfections,” I have chosen well. God had chosen well in giving me a partner whose simplicity is a perfect match to my complexity and penchant for making a molehill out of nothing. I don’t know what awaits us in the future. Maybe this truth and this part of him would begin to melt into the background once we’re faced with the realities of a shared life. But I pray that I would remember. I pray that all the complexities of a married life would not destroy the inner beauty that we have come to love and appreciate about each other. That instead, we would inspire and help each other achieve the unfolding of each of our own truths and good. How many couples have I seen having started out so beautifully but had turned out so bitter and ugly after being a subject to the realities of married life? I pray that such a lot would not be ours. I pray that I would constantly remember that at one point during the seminar we patted each other’s hand, and agreed we would really work hard not to be swallowed up by all the negativities we are bound to face. Since, definitely, married life is not just all about bliss. It’s not just a bed of roses either. So may God help us both.