I married a very beautiful person

Really God knows how to knock you in the head (in a very nice way) whenever you needed some good knocking to realize some things. Over the weekend, I have been subjected to such a reckoning.

Last week, Bolo and I had a row of some sort. That was probably the nth time for the month and I've reached the point wherein I was just tired from it all. I'm not proud of this but last Saturday I really did entertain the thought that maybe there was something wrong with the partnership. For a while I thought about "returning" him to his Dad hehehe I've told him as much. We had some quiet moments early morning yesterday. He was hugging me from behind while I was nursing baby. I was still smarting from the argument and so I told him quietly that I'm just about to reach the end of my tether. It was not said in a goading manner or in a way that I'm picking a fight. I just told him matter-of-factly. There was a point when I thought we would be arguing again but he just hugged me and said he's sorry and then he asked me to help him overcome himself. The fact that he was humble enough to accept his mistake and ask me to help him however got lost on me. I guess I was too focused on the hurt I was feeling I paid no attention to how kind my husband was being at that time.

In the afternoon after the mid-day Mass, we went to his lola's. His other aunts and uncles happen to live nearby too. We spent the most time at his aunt who was closest to his biological Mom. We were discussing other things when from out of the blue she asked me if I had already noticed something amiss about Bolo's attitude. She said something like his being very kind but there's just a quirk of some sort with him. I jokingly replied that perhaps I have and thus entertaining the thought of returning him to them. Her reaction however surprised me. With tears in her eyes she recounted to me a portion of Bolo's childhood. She painted quite a vivid picture that I felt my heart being torn too. I could see Bolo from where we're sitting and I tried hard to see in his countenance the pain brought about by those experiences. I could find none. He was teasing some of his pamangkins and cousins and playing with them. I saw a happy kid instead.

Then it dawned on me. I remembered once again how this relationship came to be in the first place. In the midst of those disagreements and adjustments, I have somewhat forgotten. We were back at the house already when I asked him about his childhood that his aunt shared with me. I asked him how he felt during those times. He told me he was happy. And yet, little by little some sadness crept in. He was probably remembering everything. But he wasn't really sad, sad. He was sort of detached already. As if he had long ago accepted the situation and had dealt with it. But at one point while he was telling me about a memory he had of his Mom, of him visiting her at where she is working and staying only for a very short time and her giving him Chippy -- he looked at me and said such is his lot. He told me that is why sometimes he might seem unmindful of me. I felt that he was explaining to me his shortcomings. He was telling me he loves me and that he's trying his best to show me that but that sometimes it is so difficult because he was never showed that in the first place.

I'm thinking now, how could I ever think otherwise? That what Bolo have given me is not enough? What he's showing me and his son everyday given his lack of it is something short of Herculean. How can you give something that you don't have in the first place? But Bolo has given. Much. Even as a boyfriend, he had already given much. As a husband, he had given twice, thrice the more. What I get a glimpse of every now and then are old traces of what he had gone through as a child. He would have to be a saint not to have those quirks given what he had been through.

As a detached person viewing Bolo from what I knew now, I see a very beautiful person, being able to bloom despite all the trash he had to grow up with. How he had survived all that and still managed to remain beautiful inside is something I could not fully imagine. His is a pure soul. Probably not that pure but by just looking at him you get to sense that he is one very kind soul. How could I have thought otherwise? It took a simple "reorchestration" from God for me to again realize that. I knew it was no accident that we went to his aunt's house. It was no accident that she told me all that she had. It was no accident that I get to see how he is with his lola. His lola could no longer recognize her own children, mistaking a daughter to be a stranger but she would consistently call Bolo by his nickname, "Tata." I saw how she called on him whenever she needed something. I guess it's so hard to forget him when he is consistently being mindful of her.

Ah I ache for the child that Bolo was. No wonder he's so big on hugs and so adamant about being there for his son. He is rewriting his history and making sure his son's own history would not in any way be near his. No wonder he would look gratefully at me whenever I am minding our son and giving baby attention and affection. I ache for the kid Bolo who had to grow up without all that. I ache to hold him now to make up for all that he lacked.

I love you my beautiful husband. Again, thank you for making my life richer and more meaningful than it already is. Thank you for making me realize a lot of things about giving and loving and life. I could never promise that I could supply you everything that should have been given you but was not. But I will try to love you as best as I could and as best as I know how...