In Limbo

In a somewhat irritated voice, B lectured me on seeing to it that our appointments don’t overlap with that of Baby’s feeding time. We had just been to see my OB and due to some developments, we stayed longer than expected.

I hear B’s lamentations fine and I agree with him. Of course I am as concerned as he is about Baby’s delayed feeding time but I could not bring myself to comment back. I was distracted, my mind is somewhere else.

I am almost two months delayed. While B and I had really been careful, we must have miscalculated somewhat thus the situation. We’ve been sitting it out for sometime thinking it is just delayed ovulation due to stress while at the same time considering that I could indeed be pregnant. So we took it a day at a time, the whole while taking precautions the way we would, should I indeed be pregnant. We bought vitamins, my milk and careful about lotions and other stuff.

The visit to the OB was for confirmation. We were thinking we’d settle everything once and for all. But instead of being clarified about the situation, the more we got confused thus my feeling distracted.

While my OB said my cervix looks fine, my uterus does not appear pregnant at all. Based from my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be around 11 weeks pregnant by now. However, the size of my uterus does not convey that at all. The Doppler had been used on me but we could not detect any heartbeat except mine. If I am indeed 11 weeks pregnant, the baby’s heartbeat could have already been detected by then.

An ultrasound was requested. As it is a Saturday and it was almost noon already, the hospital’s facility was already closed. A nearby clinic was suggested. But there were several patients ahead of me and since we had Baby to think of, we decided not to wait.

When we were about to leave my OB’s clinic, she pulled B aside and told him to be with me when we would talk about the ultrasound’s result. Earlier, I was candid enough to ask what could be the reason behind my uterus’ “stunted” growth. I asked if it could also be because there was something wrong with the baby, with it having no heartbeat “yet” and all. My OB’s response was calm. She answered me matter-of-factly maybe to dispel any worries I may have. She said it could indeed be delayed ovulation or, it could be that the baby “stopped” growing. She advised me about having the ultrasound soonest so we could have the whole thing over and done with.

I don’t know what to feel about the whole thing. I’m not sure if I ought to be relieved about the possibility of not being pregnant or be fearful for any complications I may have. In truth, I wasn’t exactly ecstatic when I got delayed. As it is, with Baby being past a year old, I am just about to get my groove back. Finally, I could get to do things I haven’t done while I was pregnant with Baby and nursing him when he finally came.

While B had been telling me he still wanted another baby and with elder adults telling us it is better not to wait that long to have another, I had been telling myself I am already pretty content with having just one child.

Oh, there were times I would rethink that though, reflecting on how tough it was for me being an only child. And yet, every time I would think about going through another ordeal of having a baby – the constant tiredness, the labor pain, having not enough time for yourself – I would immediately be convinced that having one child is enough.

And so I sit in limbo now. I would have to sit it out the entire weekend, trying not to think so much about it. I would have to readjust my schedule at work on Monday then, so I could have the ultrasound and visit my OB to show her the results. In truth, I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know whether I should plead for an “unpregnant” result or to pray that all is well with the baby I might be carrying. Hmm… unplanned or not, this baby is still my child, a part of me, of course I love him/her and would want nothing but that all is well with him/her.

So hang on there Baby, grow steadily. Hope you are not feeling “unwanted” for the lack of euphoria I am feeling at the moment. Nanay is just tired, and have not adjusted fully after having your Kuya. Pretty soon, I’ll get over this feeling and will have all the time to relish on the experience of having you :)

I’m a Miranda

I took the test over at ABC.com’s “Grey’s Anatomy” site and was surprised to learn that I turn out to be a Miranda! Well, I certainly was surprised. I did not expect it in any way. I was kind of expecting to be an “Izzy” or a bit of a “Cristina” but Miranda? Really!

I told Candy who was also online over at YM and her reply was immediate. She called me – Nazi!!! That sure made me laugh. Nazi indeed. Hmm… now I’m wondering, am I really a Miranda? In truth I took the test twice and answered the second one as truthfully as I could and the outcome was the same. Duh!

Hmm… I wonder why my immediate reaction on the result was that of surprise. It tells me a great deal about myself. I mean, what was I thinking? My surprise meant I have a different view altogether of who I think I am.

So who do I think I am? What image do I have of myself then? Hmm… now that I’ve thought about it, I think I have this image of myself as a little bit of a “Burke,” someone who does his work well and conscientiously. Burke is the kind of person who is in touched with his feelings and is not afraid to express it. He is compassionate, kind, and self-possessed. Ah, that latter part, I know I could never lay a claim on that. Self-possessed… with the way things are, I think I still have a long way to go where that is concerned…

Some Agko Pix

Here are the some of the pictures we had during our recent trip to Lake Agko in Mt. Apo last Black Saturday. Someone must have made some resetting of the camera without my knowing. I was dismayed when I uploaded those that Bolo and I took and found them to be not good at all... There were a few salvageable ones but the rest were really bad. Anyways, these are from Jeni's camera. Some were taken by Bolo since he did not go for a dip at Agko thinking he would have to do the driving back home.

I want to relate more of the experience -- which I usually do -- but as most of the pictures are not in yet, I guess I would have to wait awhile. I'm busy too with work concerns, my training being next week already. There are a lot of things that needed my attention at the moment.

So here goes:








The above photos were taken inside the van. Note how Bolo and Baby are both wearing red shirts. Even Towi was in red. Tita Ninang was wearing a red shirt too but changed when Jeni told her in jest that she would have to sit next to Bolo since seating arrangements are color-coded. hehehehe

As for our faces, those are mudpacks hehehe Facial ala "Apo Essence" :) When we got to the mud lake, we found several persons there who were sporting this special facial mask. One pointed out to us where we could get the "concoction." It's a good thing since I was already eyeing the mud close to where we were crouching on. It was at the spot where the cold spring meets the hot stream coming from the very hot mud lake. That would have been embarrassing hehehe

Bolo was kind enough to get us some and so off we "lathered" our faces :) Baby sure had fun playing with the water. He playfully splashed jeni and showered her with pebbles hehehe

The Evolution of Dancing

Jeni shared the following link to me and I must say I really love it! It is so funny hehehe. So here's sharing it with you :)

Apo

Earlier this afternoon, Bolo leaned to me and pointed out two acquaintances of his carrying big packs on their back, looking every bit the mountaineers they are. We were on our way out of Kidapawan City. Compared to them, we were...err... very "neatly" dressed, and snuggly seated inside Jeni's uncle's van. It's a long story, how we got there. But, I certainly am pleased to have found myself in Apo's midst despite all the odds.

Last Wednesday, Bolo and I went to Baby's pedia for his immunization shot. We were there for another reason though. We wanted to ask his "blessings" for what would be Baby's first "mountain experience." We were quite vague the first time we asked if it's okay to have Baby climb a mountain. When he asked, "Which mountain?" I knew there's no beating around the bush with him anymore. When we replied, "Apo," his response was quick -- "Ay huwag muna! Baka di niya kayanin ang lamig doon!" (Oh! Not yet! He might not be able to stand the cold .)

We knew that was coming so while we were a bit disappointed by his response, we were somewhat prepared for it already. Well, in truth, I knew Bolo and I were both "relieved" somewhat to hear what he said. Relieved since it gave us an excuse not to go altogether.

If truth be told, we are hardly prepared to drag Baby all the way to Apo's peak. As Bolo would put it -- it meant we would have to bring gallons upon gallons of distilled water for his feeding needs alone. On top of that, we would have to spend some extra time in the morning to sterilize his bottles. Either that or we buy extra bottles to meet the "16 bottles" requirement of a 4-day stay in the mountains. We would have to sterilize the 16 bottles prior to the climb, have them individually wrapped, very securely, to ensure non-contamination. Imagine all of that!

I knew the thought alone was giving Bolo the horrors. So while he was indulgent in having me talk about "alternatives" and possible "strategies" to make it a lot easier for us to tag Baby along, I knew his decision would be -- us not going at all...

I was asleep while we were on our way down from Lake Agko (yup, we've been to Apo after all but not in the way we would have wanted it to be), so I hardly noticed we were already in Kidapawan and stopping by to purchase its really...hmm... "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" garlic bread. Ay! Believe me, it was that good! Thanks to Jeni, now I know where to find the best tasting garlic bread I've ever had. I'll keep this particular information at the back of my head for reference during future trips to that part of Mindanao.

Anyway, Bolo must have found some time to chat with some mountaineers who were also on their way home. Because when he spotted those acquaintances of his, he shared to me how they're a couple and that they left their son at home so they could go to Apo. His tone imply that he found the whole thing... incredulous! Hehehe when he told me that, I turned from him to look at Baby Bolets who is nestled contentedly in his lap and who is "gurgling" happily away as he looks at everything that he sees outside the window.

I know I could never fault any couple who might want some time for themselves... those who would want to indulge in what they both love to do as a couple sans the kids who would have to be momentarily left at home in order for them to do just that. But, I sure felt happy to note that Bolo shared my feeling that it's not worth going anywhere without Baby around.

Oh, Bolo and I do set aside some time for ourselves. Once a month or so, we would watch movies together, just the two of us... Sometimes we would sneak a few hours away from Baby to spend some time alone together, visiting a favorite bar and enjoying a couple of drinks... But both of us, to be gone four days in a row?

At the moment, it is really unthinkable for us. We both knew we wouldn't enjoy any long trips anyway, having to constantly worry about Baby. While we both recognize that in order for us to strengthen our relationship the more, he and I should set aside some "couple-time" for us... we also acknowledge the fact that when Baby became a part of our lives, we embraced him with all of our hearts and readily rearranged our lives to include him.

It's hard to explain really... It's just that we strongly feel about having Baby with us constantly... Oh of course, Bolo has his personal time too to spend with his friends and so do I (though I hardly take any hehehe). It's just that it is difficult for either of us to be apart from Baby for so long. We would easily miss him. Bolo had been on a four-day trekking trip once. And on the fourth day, he was like ready to fly back home...

Yeah, we are certainly that attached to Baby. Once Bolo and I examined our feelings on the matter and we both agreed that the reason behind this is that, we knew the time would come when Baby would be fully grown up and would be wanting some time for himself. We knew that a few years down the line, Baby would prefer to have the company of his friends over ours. So we're like taking advantage of the time when he thinks we are his world... as selfish as that may sound... As it is, he is growing up very fast before our very eyes...

Oh, Baby, if your Tatay and I could only express how much we love you... there wouldn't be enough blog space to write everything on :)