I was fixing my blog when I came across the entry below... It was saved as a draft (dated May 17)... I remember being confused at that point in my life... confused about a lot of things ang about where I really want to be...
Now, with all that took place and all the blows I suffered from, I still am very much trying to get my bearings... And yet surprisingly, just when I was on my lowest, right down on my knees, things just started to sort themselves out.
Everyday these days I feel restoration. It's as if when I was at my darkest hour, someone threw me a rope just to pull me out of the place... Now, I could feel things starting to look up.
For several days now I would find myself suddenly jolted from whatever it is that I'm doing. It's when the reality of Niño's death would again hit me and I would start as if suddenly poked... I'd find myself shaking my head, as if I still could't believe that Niño is no longer with us and that he is not just at Empress tending our home there...
This morning, Bolo and I woke up early. We were supposed to spend some time alone for ourselves last night. But we decided to let Baby sleep first so we could go without a problem. What happened was that I woke up at 3 AM finding myself in my jeans still, Baby sleeping soundly beside me, and Bolo equally as "clueless." I woke him up with a sheepish grin and pointed at our jeans. We hastily refreshed ourselves and fully intended to change into pajamas when we found ourselves fully awake. So he changed into shorts and shirt, and prepared to go out to go to Mercury to buy Baby's milk.
When he was gone, I busied myself cleaning Baby's bottles and soaking in hot, soapy water the white blouse Baby "drew" pictures on with his chocolate ice cream the day before... When Bolo got back, we fed Baby milk and then prepared for an early morning walk to Bankerohan. He was intent about going on an ukay2x hunt.
Once there, we found several basketball shorts that reminded us so much of Niño. Not only once have he turned to me and said this or that would have fitted Niño well. I felt the urge to buy the shorts anyway. And for a while I thought to myself if it is alright to continue buying stuff for my brother as if he is still around. But of course, soon enough, sanity prevailed. Not to mention, practicality too. I guess for a while I'll be in such a state as I still grope with the reality of and my acceptance of my brother's death. I've been like this for a while during Papa's time. And I'm willing to sit it out for a while... I'm just really glad that generally, things are beginning to look up.
These days I took to tuning in to my collection of Gospel songs and even at youtube when I'm in the office. I guess that helped a lot... It is helping a lot... True indeed, God is always one's anchor in times of grief and sickness... He is ever present even in the most mundane details of my life, these days He makes His presence felt even more so and it's where I draw my strength from... Thank you, Father God.
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Draft
I cringe everytime I hear that auto-sounding voice announcing, "Yahoo! Mail..." No, not exactly at that time but when I drag my eyes from what I'm doing to the lower-right-hand corner of the monitor and see this message -- "***** has just updated her friendster blog!"
It's not at all because I begrudge my friends' having the time to blog. In fact I enjoy reading their blogs during my spare time. It keeps me updated on how they are doing. Some blog even inspires me. The cringing part is because I feel I am being reminded to write, to see to it that I set aside time for myself and for introspection. I don't have to elaborate again why.
My previous entry was on the proverbial question of "Where am I?" Needless to say, I feel the need to constantly ask myself that question thus, the need for reflection. Asking that question is not even enough. This had to be coupled with -- "Am I where I want to be?"
Lost. There are times when I feel that way. There are times when I would pull myself from my present preoccupations and force myself to get my bearings, I would fail miserably. Meaning, I could not at all get my bearings. And I always hated that feeling.
For all my...err... being "dense" most of the time, I do want to be in control of my life. For sure, I wouldn't want to waste my time and my energies on things that don't matter at all or those of no importance. Life is short enough as it is...
