I'm Not

My clock reads -- 12:50 AM. I find it ironic that I have reached that time slaving over some work concerns when my doctor specifically ordered for a 2-week bed rest.

I have just finished an important report but I still have some work concerns I needed to do tomorrow. A lot had happened this week. Yesterday was the toughest, having found out I was experiencing some spotting.

It was a traumatic experience for me -- to have found blood when I knew perfectly well I am "almost" 2-mos. pregnant. It did not help that I didn't have the support I needed at that time. Bolo was away for some business. For some reason, he is not anywhere where his fone is. Candy's YM status message read, "Sorry, I ran off for a bit." Jeni was unreachable too. Both cases are forgivable though. Even I am guilty of not minding my phone constantly. Particularly when I'm very much busy with some work stuff or "motherly" functions. In either case, checking my fone for messages takes the least priority.

Ah, now I remember and note with some irony how I have happened to pour out my sentiments to an "online" friend. I found -- still find that incident -- totally ironic. There I was wanting so badly some reassurance of some sort. I was desperate for a hug, for a touch, for a physical contact but I got a "virtual" response instead. Not that it wasn't appreciated. I really thanked that friend for being there for me notwithstanding how weird it must have been for her to find out I was having miscarriage-scare and her not being able to do anything about it given the "remoteness" of the situation.

I am still in pain now. I have a nagging pain in my lower back and abdomen. It's not a good indication at all I know on top of the spotting I'm still experiencing. I know I'm risking my baby's well-being for refusing to heed the bedrest advice and tackling work instead. But a part of me recognizes the need to accomplish certain things that I should. Things that are needed. And having to do that, a lot of nagging questions are running right through my head. I'm asking why it had to be this way.

I love this child tremendously. That is something that I am very much certain of. For all my confusion, my unpreparedness, my misgivings, there was never a doubt as to how I feel towards this Baby.

So yes, I'm lamenting the fact that I have to accomplish certain things when I should be fighting like crazy for this Baby to stay alive. I'm lamenting that things have to be this way. So to answer the previous entry's question, I guess I'm not huh? So I'd better do something about that then...