…when my friend would sneak out of the hotel room we were billeted for a training we were documenting to meet him downstairs. His excuse was that he could not sleep… he had to see her…
…when she would cut off a rendezvous with friends who are home for the holidays just because he had already arrived to whisk her away…
…on a number of occasions as she pointed out to me the “portrait” of them he made which he labeled, “soulmates.” I even reluctantly pose for another “portrait” since he told me he wanted to transform his front yard into her “playground” bearing some of the “portraits” of the persons she loved…
…to share her happiness as she relates how he would come by her house in the middle of the night just because he could not bear sleeping without her…
…as she struggled with the difficulty of being apart with him as well. Of having to sneak back to her parents’ house in the middle of the night and risking a good scolding in the morning. I was one of the few persons she texted when she finally made the decision to move out of her parents’ house just to move in with him.
…there when she finally gave birth to their daughter…
They were not some love-struck, do-not-know-any-better, naive teen-agers then. They were both twenty-seven years old. Probably not old enough to know everything about relationships but not too young either to not know what they were getting themselves into…
So it hurts me now to have some third person label the relationship as just some “f****ng frenzy.” I would very much like to believe it was much deeper than that…
I am not angry at the person who dismissed the relationship as just that. I just thought she does not know any better. But I am definitely angry… Because I know somewhere along the way a “story” have been told in such a manner that made her view the relationship as such I am most angry at the very person whom my friend have entrusted a big part of her life to.
Because you see, I was there too when he started to change… I was there when he treated her badly while she was still pregnant… I was there when she had to struggle to pick up the pieces again and start her life anew… I was there as she struggle to continue establishing some semblance of relationship with him just for the sake of their daughter… I may not have been really there for the most part but I was there and have seen enough and felt enough…
And she’s struggling even now… and it pains me to have other women dismiss other women’s experiences as some kind of folly… we are women…. And by that we should have known any better… not to make any judgment… not to make rash statements about someone else’s experiences… I know there was probably no malice when the thing was said… but words have energy you see… they have meanings that no amount of subtlety could ever change what they mean…
I felt the pain for my friend, even shed a tear for her. I felt myself shaken to the very core, and was even shaking physically because of it. I was that affected. I asked myself why did I have to be there to hear all of that? What for? Am I suppose to help her out in some way? Is she asking for clarity now, for some definition of sorts and I had to hear all of that just to gain another person’s perspective?
I am never one for meddling with other person’s affairs. I have enough troubles of my own. And besides, what wisdom could I possibly offer when I am just an outsider looking in and not the very one involved? That is why I am also very careful about giving in my opinion or volunteering my views on anything. Because I feel I am never in the position to do so… unless if it concerns my own affairs… my own concerns…
Ah friend, I feel for you. If I am this hurt, I could only imagine how it must have been for you… Ah… all is well… no matter how it may seem differently at times…..
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
My First Charming
Bolo turned to me and said something like, "I draw my strength from you. I find my consolation in having you here. Thank you." Then he finished off his monologue with, "Truly, you're my... first charming?" And I'm like, "Huh?!" After much explaining, I finally got what he meant, "Lucky Charm." First charming indeed haha!
We just came from his father's house. We..err.. "deposited" our car for repairs. The incident from which he needed some strenght to draw from is our having to be stuck in the middle of the traffic when our car suddenly konked out on us. Luckily we were not that far from the sidewalk so he would not have to "push" that far but just a few strides. Needless to say, he did not find the whole experience funny. In fact, he was quite prepared to give the dealer of the car quite a mouthful the instant he sees him.
So I'm like schooling him on the virtue of choosing his words carefully and how giving in to one's temper could not in any way change the state of things. I explained to him how scorn would only beget scorn and how being rude would not help things any. I told him, if he'd be kind then he'd probably get a much better response than if he'd be rude...
This morning, he repeated the entire monologue again but this time getting the words right. We were discussing on what to do with the car. And I let him explain why he felt that way. I was not fishing for compliments. Just trying to understand what is going on in his head and he said, "I draw my strength from you because you remained calm inspite the mishap and the fact that you stuck with me and we're together..."
I guess, that really count much huh? Being there for each other. Being together in the face of whatever trying moments even if it is as simple as dealing with a broken car...
We just came from his father's house. We..err.. "deposited" our car for repairs. The incident from which he needed some strenght to draw from is our having to be stuck in the middle of the traffic when our car suddenly konked out on us. Luckily we were not that far from the sidewalk so he would not have to "push" that far but just a few strides. Needless to say, he did not find the whole experience funny. In fact, he was quite prepared to give the dealer of the car quite a mouthful the instant he sees him.
So I'm like schooling him on the virtue of choosing his words carefully and how giving in to one's temper could not in any way change the state of things. I explained to him how scorn would only beget scorn and how being rude would not help things any. I told him, if he'd be kind then he'd probably get a much better response than if he'd be rude...
This morning, he repeated the entire monologue again but this time getting the words right. We were discussing on what to do with the car. And I let him explain why he felt that way. I was not fishing for compliments. Just trying to understand what is going on in his head and he said, "I draw my strength from you because you remained calm inspite the mishap and the fact that you stuck with me and we're together..."
I guess, that really count much huh? Being there for each other. Being together in the face of whatever trying moments even if it is as simple as dealing with a broken car...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Hands Are For...
Baby is truly a blessing in mine and Bolo's life. He perks up our days. He's our most immediate source (next to God) of happiness and energy in the morning. No matter how bad we feel, everytime Baby awakes and flash to us his beaming face, everything just lights up. Either that or it is his voice calling, "Nanay?!" or "Tatay?!" the moment he wakes up and we're in the other room.
There is something about babies, particularly one's own, and the little things that they do which would come to mean a lot. In an instant they could erase a day's worth of stress. The moment I enter our house and hear Baby's exurberant, "Nanay!" I would feel as if everything just melts away -- a bad episode in the office, a trying experience, a nagging irritant...
I'd say Baby is almost perfect (as every Mom would say of their little one) but for one thing -- spanking comes easily to him. I think he got it from his cousin Janine who's jealousy of him drives her to be such a bully sometimes. And I admit maybe from Bolo and I too.
For some time, I've really been thinking long and hard as to how to arrest such attitude of his. I've been trying to look for some creative ways as to how to impress upon him that spanking is really bad.
We've tried the "stand-in-the-corner" technique. I've had him stand in some corner everytime he would hit us. The first time was in fact very funny since we had him stand in one corner but then we realized it was quite dark there. So, we transfered him to another corner and then realized again there were some sharp objects nearby so we had to transfer him again. I think we managed to have him more confused than schooled on the wrongness of spanking. But really, it was such a funny experience. Bolo and I were trying to stiffle our laughter the whole time.
Anyway, even now, we still have him stand in the corner. Even if we are in a pizza parlor or some restaurant, we would very discreetly define one corner for him (which is usually the seat where he's at) and let him stand there everytime he gets into some spanking frenzy. And he would stand there, looking forlorn, crying and often reaching out his hand to us. But we would ignore him even though my heart was also breaking. Often times though I would give in, but not until I would ask him to say he's sorry. And he would, in a very soft voice and then he would come up to me for a big hug. That usually melts my heart in a big way. And so he is off the hook quite easily. Somehow, it does not help address the problem.
Until, Ms. Arlene taught me the most creative trick. We got into talking about sanksaras and that's when it hit me. It explained a lot of things to me like the question of whether "bad habits" and "bad attitudes" are hereditary or can be traced in the genes. For a while I had that question noticing how my brother before had some attitudes that are quite different from ours. For a while we entertained the thought that it could be something in his "blood." It was the only plausible explanation then since we would very much like to believe that we've provided him with the "right" enviroment. And then Janin came along also who is displaying attitude of her Mom who've left her when she was only two years old.
Anyway, to cut it short, Ms. Arlene taught me the most creative way of teaching Baby the "alternative" uses of the hands. She told me not to call attention to Baby's actions everytime he would hit us. She said that would only highlight the action more to him. Instead, I would point out to Baby what the hands are for, in a more positive sense like:
- hands are for hugging...
- hands are for patting the back...
- hands are for writing...
- hands are for drawing...
and so on and so forth...
It makes so much sense to me... And I'm trying to apply it now... it's hard though especially when Baby would turn to me and say in his cute, little voice,"Noooo..." hehe His voice is amazing... melts my heart right through... :)
There is something about babies, particularly one's own, and the little things that they do which would come to mean a lot. In an instant they could erase a day's worth of stress. The moment I enter our house and hear Baby's exurberant, "Nanay!" I would feel as if everything just melts away -- a bad episode in the office, a trying experience, a nagging irritant...
I'd say Baby is almost perfect (as every Mom would say of their little one) but for one thing -- spanking comes easily to him. I think he got it from his cousin Janine who's jealousy of him drives her to be such a bully sometimes. And I admit maybe from Bolo and I too.
For some time, I've really been thinking long and hard as to how to arrest such attitude of his. I've been trying to look for some creative ways as to how to impress upon him that spanking is really bad.
We've tried the "stand-in-the-corner" technique. I've had him stand in some corner everytime he would hit us. The first time was in fact very funny since we had him stand in one corner but then we realized it was quite dark there. So, we transfered him to another corner and then realized again there were some sharp objects nearby so we had to transfer him again. I think we managed to have him more confused than schooled on the wrongness of spanking. But really, it was such a funny experience. Bolo and I were trying to stiffle our laughter the whole time.
Anyway, even now, we still have him stand in the corner. Even if we are in a pizza parlor or some restaurant, we would very discreetly define one corner for him (which is usually the seat where he's at) and let him stand there everytime he gets into some spanking frenzy. And he would stand there, looking forlorn, crying and often reaching out his hand to us. But we would ignore him even though my heart was also breaking. Often times though I would give in, but not until I would ask him to say he's sorry. And he would, in a very soft voice and then he would come up to me for a big hug. That usually melts my heart in a big way. And so he is off the hook quite easily. Somehow, it does not help address the problem.
Until, Ms. Arlene taught me the most creative trick. We got into talking about sanksaras and that's when it hit me. It explained a lot of things to me like the question of whether "bad habits" and "bad attitudes" are hereditary or can be traced in the genes. For a while I had that question noticing how my brother before had some attitudes that are quite different from ours. For a while we entertained the thought that it could be something in his "blood." It was the only plausible explanation then since we would very much like to believe that we've provided him with the "right" enviroment. And then Janin came along also who is displaying attitude of her Mom who've left her when she was only two years old.
Anyway, to cut it short, Ms. Arlene taught me the most creative way of teaching Baby the "alternative" uses of the hands. She told me not to call attention to Baby's actions everytime he would hit us. She said that would only highlight the action more to him. Instead, I would point out to Baby what the hands are for, in a more positive sense like:
- hands are for hugging...
- hands are for patting the back...
- hands are for writing...
- hands are for drawing...
and so on and so forth...
It makes so much sense to me... And I'm trying to apply it now... it's hard though especially when Baby would turn to me and say in his cute, little voice,"Noooo..." hehe His voice is amazing... melts my heart right through... :)
Monday, January 14, 2008
Starting the Year Right: Changing Old Tapes
2007 was generally a good year. If by we good, we mean and acknowledge that everything that ever happens to us is intended to help us become the very best persons that we can be.
It has been a trying year. I had a miscarriage, I lost my brother, Bolo and I had some trying moments. Twice last year, I packed up my things and left out of sheer exasperation and hurt. The most recent one, on the 29th of December. So Bolo and I really literally almost ended the year with a big bang. All for having been victims to our old tapes. Unwittingly, I have allowed myself to be so caught up with minute details of my life this year. And it is not without its consequence. The consequence? I have become the most unloving person that I could ever become.
Looking back, last year I could not really claim to having been my best self. At the most I wallowed in my pain, in my loss, in my drama, in thinking some individuals have done me great injustice, etc. etc. On the one hand, I’m thinking if it wasn’t just post-partum blues speaking, after having the miscarriage and all. Yeah, excuses, excuses and that is hardly the point now.
But of course it was not all grief. If anything, if I would really think long and hard, there was actually more of the good stuff – I had more time with my son, we had opportunity for travels again (bontoc, baguio and sagada), there were plenty of blessings and opportunities, the friendship I share with my college buddies was strengthened... Reminding myself of all of these blessings brings about a sense of newness. And immediately, I am filled with a sense of gratitude rather than despair…
Now, more than ever, I am determined to being my best self once again – be more loving, less critical, more understanding, forgiving and “giving.” I want to be more grateful too, focusing more on the good things that I ought to be thankful for (which is actually a lot!) than on the things I bemoan. Well, I want to take it even further. I would very much want to forego bemoaning altogether. I just want to be grateful. Period.
And it seems to me the universe is responding to this particular intention of mine. Because, everyday, there are situations and persons who would talk to me about certain things that serve to help me along.
On our first day at the office after a very looong, Christmas break (this is another thing to be thankful about the job I keep now – we have Christmas breaks), we had our usual New Year ritual. We had a deck of “virtue cards” (A BK initiative) where we pick and choose a few cards and take them to be the things we need to work on in certain areas of our life. These areas being – (1) Family, (2) Self-development; (3) Work; (4) Relationships; and (5) Social Life. On top of this, we also pick a card to represent our “foundation” or that virtue which shall serve as our strength or core as we work on the different aspect of our lives. The cards I picked or which that chose me, are:
Self-Development: Respect. Because I respect myself, I also respect others, nature and all things.
Social life: Gentle. I tread lightly and lovingly upon this earth.
Family: Wise. I act after understanding the past, present and future of every situation.
Work: Fearless. Because my heart is clean and pure, I am fearless in all I do.
Relationship: I got "Respect" again which I think was very significant. But then again I opted to chose another card and I got, “pure-hearted.” My heart is full of pure love for all of God’s creation.
As for my foundation, I had, “content.” I feel full, calm, without desires or expectations.
I feel, as I mentioned before, that I did not choose the cards but instead it was them who sought and found me. Every thing fits. The instant I picked them I knew why it was the virtue that I picked for a particular aspect in my life.
Truly, there are a lot of things to be truly grateful for in one’s life. I am grateful for all the persons I come in contact with. Because, they are instrumental to my own becoming. I am grateful for such persons as Ms. Arlene who saw it as her role to facilitate this activity to us every year.
I think, it really takes a special kind of person to bother about making it their business to help others along, especially if it is in lined with helping them become their best self. And I’m sitting here, thinking, I would want to do that too.
I am not perfect but this time I would not want to think about that. Thinking about it only limits me as to the things I think I can do. I am a soul, ever in the process of becoming the best that I can be. And I know I need not worry because everything is not all about me. There is a higher self, a Higher Being who helps creates things in our lives, who aids us along as we work on our own imperfections.
There’s this saying that I always keep close to my heart that serves as a source of inspiration every time I find myself falling flat on my face. It gives me the strength to move on and continue working on the unfolding of my own truth. It says something like, “The spiritual path is always constant, never changing, even if the seeker may often loose his way.”
It has been a trying year. I had a miscarriage, I lost my brother, Bolo and I had some trying moments. Twice last year, I packed up my things and left out of sheer exasperation and hurt. The most recent one, on the 29th of December. So Bolo and I really literally almost ended the year with a big bang. All for having been victims to our old tapes. Unwittingly, I have allowed myself to be so caught up with minute details of my life this year. And it is not without its consequence. The consequence? I have become the most unloving person that I could ever become.
Looking back, last year I could not really claim to having been my best self. At the most I wallowed in my pain, in my loss, in my drama, in thinking some individuals have done me great injustice, etc. etc. On the one hand, I’m thinking if it wasn’t just post-partum blues speaking, after having the miscarriage and all. Yeah, excuses, excuses and that is hardly the point now.
But of course it was not all grief. If anything, if I would really think long and hard, there was actually more of the good stuff – I had more time with my son, we had opportunity for travels again (bontoc, baguio and sagada), there were plenty of blessings and opportunities, the friendship I share with my college buddies was strengthened... Reminding myself of all of these blessings brings about a sense of newness. And immediately, I am filled with a sense of gratitude rather than despair…
Now, more than ever, I am determined to being my best self once again – be more loving, less critical, more understanding, forgiving and “giving.” I want to be more grateful too, focusing more on the good things that I ought to be thankful for (which is actually a lot!) than on the things I bemoan. Well, I want to take it even further. I would very much want to forego bemoaning altogether. I just want to be grateful. Period.
And it seems to me the universe is responding to this particular intention of mine. Because, everyday, there are situations and persons who would talk to me about certain things that serve to help me along.
On our first day at the office after a very looong, Christmas break (this is another thing to be thankful about the job I keep now – we have Christmas breaks), we had our usual New Year ritual. We had a deck of “virtue cards” (A BK initiative) where we pick and choose a few cards and take them to be the things we need to work on in certain areas of our life. These areas being – (1) Family, (2) Self-development; (3) Work; (4) Relationships; and (5) Social Life. On top of this, we also pick a card to represent our “foundation” or that virtue which shall serve as our strength or core as we work on the different aspect of our lives. The cards I picked or which that chose me, are:
Self-Development: Respect. Because I respect myself, I also respect others, nature and all things.
Social life: Gentle. I tread lightly and lovingly upon this earth.
Family: Wise. I act after understanding the past, present and future of every situation.
Work: Fearless. Because my heart is clean and pure, I am fearless in all I do.
Relationship: I got "Respect" again which I think was very significant. But then again I opted to chose another card and I got, “pure-hearted.” My heart is full of pure love for all of God’s creation.
As for my foundation, I had, “content.” I feel full, calm, without desires or expectations.
I feel, as I mentioned before, that I did not choose the cards but instead it was them who sought and found me. Every thing fits. The instant I picked them I knew why it was the virtue that I picked for a particular aspect in my life.
Truly, there are a lot of things to be truly grateful for in one’s life. I am grateful for all the persons I come in contact with. Because, they are instrumental to my own becoming. I am grateful for such persons as Ms. Arlene who saw it as her role to facilitate this activity to us every year.
I think, it really takes a special kind of person to bother about making it their business to help others along, especially if it is in lined with helping them become their best self. And I’m sitting here, thinking, I would want to do that too.
I am not perfect but this time I would not want to think about that. Thinking about it only limits me as to the things I think I can do. I am a soul, ever in the process of becoming the best that I can be. And I know I need not worry because everything is not all about me. There is a higher self, a Higher Being who helps creates things in our lives, who aids us along as we work on our own imperfections.
There’s this saying that I always keep close to my heart that serves as a source of inspiration every time I find myself falling flat on my face. It gives me the strength to move on and continue working on the unfolding of my own truth. It says something like, “The spiritual path is always constant, never changing, even if the seeker may often loose his way.”
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