Few More Weeks

A week ago today, I fidget as I waited the person behind the counter get on with my check in and hand me my boarding pass.  I've already web checked-in the day before so I did not think it would take as long as it did.  He was really taking his own sweet time with it so I asked him nicely if it's done yet since my children are still waiting for me outside.  I was fighting the tears the whole time.  The day has finally come.  Days before, Forest would ask me out of nowhere, "Kelan ka na alis, Nay? Pag bukas, sa sunod na bukas?"  (When are you leaving, Nanay?  After tomorrow, the day after that?)  I knew they were counting the days as I was and making the most of what was left.

I smiled when I finally got my boarding pass and then hurried back outside.  When I got in the car, I just found myself bawling over.  The kids were at the cafe, waiting for me to join them for lunch.  I was thinking of how Rod looked at me with sad eyes when I told him I better drop my web-checked baggage so I could buy more time with them.  He then said, "But do come back."  I assured him that it would probably just take me 20 minutes and there would be plenty of time left.

I love my job.  There is nothing else I would rather be doing. That it takes me away so much from my kids is the only misgiving I have about it.  If I could have them both in one place, that would be ideal.

I composed myself and hurried back at the cafe where the kids were.  They have already eaten and was just waiting for me.  I could not swallow anything.  I did not have the appetite but I ate what I could.  We had some pictures taken and then I had to attend to some of Forest's needs.  By the time we went back to the car to get my hand-carried luggage, Rod was already crying.  He was hugging me tight and was loudly sobbing.  What would a mother do in such an instance?  I cried along with him and hugged him back as tight as I could.  Forest came over and gave me a hug as well.  She was crying but not as emotionally as Rod did.  I think Forest is getting used to my being away most of the time.  She was a mere 2 weeks old when I started taking on consultancy jobs again.  I had to.  The bills that we've incurred following the emergency delivery and her hospitalisation since birth I was already taking on consultancy jobs when she was just 2 weeks old and even whisked her away with me travelling all the way to Luzon and Visayas (planes and ferries) when she was barely two months old for an evaluation engagement.  And I had to leave her often after that.

But these few months had been the longest yet.  Three months, four months... I know I am lucky and is certainly grateful for it to be just apart with the kids for that long.  Most OFWs had to count years before they see their children again.  Yet, a separation is still a separation no matter how short or long it is.  It cuts to the heart especially in our case where we put much premium on "togetherness" and "connection."

We're a touch-y, together-y sort of family.  We just love spending time together no matter if we're doing the most mundane stuff or something more exciting.  It wasn't so much the what we're doing that mattered.  It was always that we're together.

I remember on my last night home Rod had to beg about us all watching a movie together. I have not packed yet and there were other things I wanted to see to and so I said they can go ahead and watch the movie after I've left.  But then Rod said it wouldn't matter by then since I would not be watching it with them...  

I sit here, alone and shivering in my cold, little room feeling totally homesick and wishing I'm snuggling next to my children... Few more weeks... God help me.