In Limbo

In a somewhat irritated voice, B lectured me on seeing to it that our appointments don’t overlap with that of Baby’s feeding time. We had just been to see my OB and due to some developments, we stayed longer than expected.

I hear B’s lamentations fine and I agree with him. Of course I am as concerned as he is about Baby’s delayed feeding time but I could not bring myself to comment back. I was distracted, my mind is somewhere else.

I am almost two months delayed. While B and I had really been careful, we must have miscalculated somewhat thus the situation. We’ve been sitting it out for sometime thinking it is just delayed ovulation due to stress while at the same time considering that I could indeed be pregnant. So we took it a day at a time, the whole while taking precautions the way we would, should I indeed be pregnant. We bought vitamins, my milk and careful about lotions and other stuff.

The visit to the OB was for confirmation. We were thinking we’d settle everything once and for all. But instead of being clarified about the situation, the more we got confused thus my feeling distracted.

While my OB said my cervix looks fine, my uterus does not appear pregnant at all. Based from my LMP (last menstrual period) I should be around 11 weeks pregnant by now. However, the size of my uterus does not convey that at all. The Doppler had been used on me but we could not detect any heartbeat except mine. If I am indeed 11 weeks pregnant, the baby’s heartbeat could have already been detected by then.

An ultrasound was requested. As it is a Saturday and it was almost noon already, the hospital’s facility was already closed. A nearby clinic was suggested. But there were several patients ahead of me and since we had Baby to think of, we decided not to wait.

When we were about to leave my OB’s clinic, she pulled B aside and told him to be with me when we would talk about the ultrasound’s result. Earlier, I was candid enough to ask what could be the reason behind my uterus’ “stunted” growth. I asked if it could also be because there was something wrong with the baby, with it having no heartbeat “yet” and all. My OB’s response was calm. She answered me matter-of-factly maybe to dispel any worries I may have. She said it could indeed be delayed ovulation or, it could be that the baby “stopped” growing. She advised me about having the ultrasound soonest so we could have the whole thing over and done with.

I don’t know what to feel about the whole thing. I’m not sure if I ought to be relieved about the possibility of not being pregnant or be fearful for any complications I may have. In truth, I wasn’t exactly ecstatic when I got delayed. As it is, with Baby being past a year old, I am just about to get my groove back. Finally, I could get to do things I haven’t done while I was pregnant with Baby and nursing him when he finally came.

While B had been telling me he still wanted another baby and with elder adults telling us it is better not to wait that long to have another, I had been telling myself I am already pretty content with having just one child.

Oh, there were times I would rethink that though, reflecting on how tough it was for me being an only child. And yet, every time I would think about going through another ordeal of having a baby – the constant tiredness, the labor pain, having not enough time for yourself – I would immediately be convinced that having one child is enough.

And so I sit in limbo now. I would have to sit it out the entire weekend, trying not to think so much about it. I would have to readjust my schedule at work on Monday then, so I could have the ultrasound and visit my OB to show her the results. In truth, I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know whether I should plead for an “unpregnant” result or to pray that all is well with the baby I might be carrying. Hmm… unplanned or not, this baby is still my child, a part of me, of course I love him/her and would want nothing but that all is well with him/her.

So hang on there Baby, grow steadily. Hope you are not feeling “unwanted” for the lack of euphoria I am feeling at the moment. Nanay is just tired, and have not adjusted fully after having your Kuya. Pretty soon, I’ll get over this feeling and will have all the time to relish on the experience of having you :)