The movie incident with Bolo last Friday sure had me pensive for a while. It upsets me a bit to have realized it has become important to me to always include Bolo in the things that I want to do. To me, it was worth reflecting over why I felt this way these days. Have I gotten so used to us doing things together that I no longer feel comfortable doing things on my own?
Since the start of our relationship five years ago, Bolo and I had always been “buddies” other than just being sweethearts. We truly enjoy each other’s company and always felt the urge to do things together. So maybe I have just gotten used to that. And I would pretty much like to shake that kind of feeling off. For sure, I wouldn’t want to be too focused on our “couple-hood” that I’d totally forget about my own interests.
It’s amazing how even now as I write about it, I felt a pang at the thought of my pursuing my "own" interests. Now why is that? It seems to me I have now come to equate “happiness” with doing things with Bolo and Baby. These days, every time I think about “treating” myself after slaving over some work, it’s almost automatic to want to do something with Bolo and Baby. Now, I’m thinking is that so bad? Is it so bad that they have become my priorities now?
Bolo and I have always agreed on our having some personal time to ourselves. He usually has his Saturday nights off. There are also some weekends when he’ll be with his friends over some outdoor activity they’re having. Just like last Sunday. It was a coastal clean up day. So he went off and did some diving over at Pearl Farm. And he’d been on travels on his own too. In other words, he certainly do take advantage of is personal time off. As for me, it’s an entirely different thing.
I do have some “coffee nights” or “Italian resto” moments with Jeni and/or Candy. But almost always, Bolo is sure to show up towards the end of every rendezvous. Either that or we end up going to where he might be waiting for us. In other words, even the times I’ve spent with my friends, Bolo takes part in them too. It’s turning out to be that my friends are his friends too. And that’s not difficult at all for Bolo since he had no trouble fitting in. He contributes fine on our conversations and is also game in taking part on some girly stuff like shopping.
As for me, I could not picture myself participating in the kind of conversation he and his friends enjoy. Sure I had done that too and there were instances when Bolo would invite me to join him in his activities. But it’s not always the same case as he is with my friends. Oh well. I guess I really should start being serious about pursuing my own interests.
But ah… now it’s slowly dawning on me. Losing loved ones in the most unexpected circumstances perhaps have instilled in me the feeling of urgency to be spending most of my time with family. And family now comes to mean Bolo and Baby. They are after all my immediate family now. And of course, this also includes Mama, Janin and the rest of the “clan”… Now, I understand more fully my motives and my feelings. I guess given all I’ve experienced lately, it is but natural to want to hold my loved ones closer to heart. This explains why it has become a priority to be spending my time off with them than pursuing personal interests on my own.
Resources – time and financial as well --don’t come by that easily these days. So I guess, recognizing this, I am now more choosy on how I spend them. These days, it gives me so much joy to be able to spend them with family and friends that really matter rather than on any other trivial thing.
I’m thinking now, am I committing some kind of a mistake? Not giving time for myself? Am I erring on my judgment -- setting aside “building” myself by not pursuing interests that would help me define my own individuality? Am I losing myself in the process? Am I now just being a shadow of my previous self, being too focused on being a wife and a mother?
Honestly? I don’t feel that at all. I’m realizing now that I’ve had had my time for building my “individuality,” so to speak. I’ve spent years pursuing my own interests. I’ve pursued mountaineering with a passion, engaged in sports and other activities that had helped me define who I am now. I’ve spent so many times with my friends in the past. I’ve traveled intensively both for work and for leisure. I’ve read and acquired books that I loved and interested me. I’ve collected CDs and tapes of the kind of music that I like. I’ve watched concerts, plays and movies that I loved. I’ve had had that. So now, I don’t feel as if I’m lacking at all in that aspect.
I guess I’m now looking at “defining myself” within the context of my being a wife and a mother. I’m in a new stage altogether, something I’ve never had been in the past. So I guess that is where my energy is focused now. Besides, I still pursue my own interests – books, music, concerts, movies, sports – these days. Maybe not so much as it consumed me before. What “consumes” me now is my family and dealing with the nitty-gritty of building a family and a home of my own.
So I guess there really is not a “losing of the self” here. In fact, it’s more appropriate to say that I’m “gaining more of me” by pursuing a “different” and a new life altogether. I am a wife now, a mother too. It’s an entirely different “state” to be. And I’m learning more about myself in this aspect everyday.
I’m realizing now, those who fret about “losing their individuality,” in the event of embracing marriage and family life probably did not really have it in the first place. I’m not making any judgment though. That’s just how I feel. I feel now that I’ve had, had my “spot under the sun.” I’ve had my time for myself and had used it wisely and intensively. I’ve totally taken advantage of it. And now is my time for being a family-woman. I should take full advantage of this time as well. I don’t want to be past this stage and feel that I have not done enough or done all that I should. I don’t want to look back at this stage of my life and think that I should have spent more time with my son, or with my husband; that I should have loved more, paid more attention to every detail…
I am now valuing family more than I have in the past. I am now at a stage in my life where my focus is no longer on me and what I really want. No, I take that back. I really am still focused on “me” and the things that “I” really want. It’s just that, there was a shift in my order of priorities and of values. Now, the things that I value and want for myself include wanting things for my family. Spending my time, resources and energy on them is not something that my family is forcing me to do. It is something that I want to do now. It is something that I’m doing for me and not for anyone else. So where is the losing of the self here, when I’m only pursuing the very thing that interests me nowadays? I guess, it’s really just a matter of perspective. And being truthful to oneself…
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