We are One

“Mao ning panghitabo karon, ang mang-uuma wala na’y gikaon”*

I sat in the middle of the “peacetival” listening to a group of community peace advocates sing about the current plight of the farmers and I felt tears at the back of my lids threatening to fall at any moment. I can’t help but note the irony of it all. The very ones who toil so hard so that we could enjoy having food on our table have nothing to eat themselves.

Here we are, complaining sometimes at the increase of the prices of commodities. We complain about the hard times but we fail to think about the plight of the common farmers out there who had to toil so hard and yet hardly had food for themselves or their families.

I remember this one particular experience… Tatay and I were climbing Mt. Apo with a group of our friends. We had been walking all morning and it was already lunch time. We were famished, it had been a long walk and the sun was scorching. We were at the boulder part of the Kapatagan trail, close to the sulphur vents. The peak is in sight, but from experience, we knew it will still take us another three to four hours to reach it. Meaning, we would still have the whole afternoon of trekking ahead of us.

Wanting some rest and food, we settled on a spot close to a big boulder that is providing us some shade. There were six of us there as some were still on their way up to where we were. As we settled down to eat, I had to reproach Tatay for not praying. Holding up a piece of string bean (as vegetarians, that is what we had for lunch, adobong sitaw compared to our friends’ adobong manok hehehe) – I pointed out to him that it took some backbreaking days for some farmer before it found its way to our lunchboxes. It was all said in banter and we were all laughing at that time but I was dead serious about it. And so we prayed. We expressed our gratitude for every individual responsible for the food finding its way to us. We prayed that the energy from all of those individual acts would nourish not just our body but our spirit as well.

It would seem pretty “stuck up” I know, but how often do most of us take a lot of things for granted? We turn our blind eye on the little details just because we wanted to remain “cool,” “less-nerdy” and detached. But if there is one thing I learned, it’s that in the “circle of life,” there is no such thing as “detached.” We all belong to the same circle, we are one.

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*That is what is happening these days, farmers have nothing to eat...

Bread and Cheese (On Motherhood As Well)

“Di ako kain kanina Nay, nagcolor lang ako.”

When I heard this, I immediately hugged Baby out of pity. I felt so much for him. I figured (knowing full well his impatience when it comes to coloring) that he probably did not finish a coloring activity and thus was asked to finish it before given snacks. And by the time he had finished with the coloring (if he had), it was probably time to go already.

They are given free snacks in school. It is such a relief since it spares me the everyday task of thinking of suitable snacks for him, not to mention additional cost. And it is usually part of our everyday, “How-was-school-conversation” – what they had for snacks.

While I told him he ought to learn his lesson and finish his coloring so that he could eat along with his other classmates, my heart was actually breaking. Especially so when I learned he was the only one who was not able to eat. My heart broke again when he answered, “Bread and cheese” to my inquiry as to what his classmates had.

I knew he ought to learn his lesson about completing his tasks and yet, I feel somewhat bothered that he was made to feel left-out. That and the fact that he probably felt hungry by that time already.

It breaks my heart to picture him totally left out. It would have been better if he had another classmate with him… Arghh… Baby has really started with his journey. While I may want it differently, it is impossible for me to be with him every single second of the journey. I could only hold his hand at certain times. At this moment, it meant for the most part. But somewhere down the line, he would be all grown up and would be on his own… While I could insist to be always in the picture, I know I wouldn’t really dream of doing so. It is why I am adamant about “training” him, teaching him independence, giving him every opportunity to make use of his initiative… It is because I am preparing him well for the time when he would want to venture on his own… Now, why is my heart breaking at the thought?

If I could have my way, I would always want to be a part of his life. I would want to be a part of every milestone he may take. Not that I want to be in control of everything but that I would very much want him to ‘invite” me to be a part of it all… to share “almost” everything with me. If only as a confidant, a sounding board, a consultant, a friend… a person whose opinion he values the most…

I am now forced to look into my own relationship with my Mom. Do I invite her to be a part of my life? Or do I go my own way, insist on living my life my own way? Mama and I always have such phenomenal disagreements. And time and again it is always due to how she could be overly critical of everything. That and the tendency to just dwell on the negative, on the shortcomings and the worries. I love her very dearly and understand her most of the time but it had also been a constant wish that she sees past the negative… Mama is not quick with the praising. Sad, but I could not recall a single compliment coming from her. I would like to stress that all this is written in an “observing” manner. There is no censure or any bitterness for my part because certainly, while “very good! Well done!” might not be a part of her vocabulary, she is one of the most selfless person I have ever known. She always overextends herself… she would do everything she could for the persons that she loves… There is no tirelessness in her. Her demeanor when it comes to her family is always that of servitude. And for that I am and will forever be grateful.

I am just made to reflect on the being “overly-critical” part because it is the primary reason why I always hesitate to share with her my innermost thoughts or take steps at making her one of my confidants. It’s because I fear being criticized again or be misunderstood and be reprimanded instead of being encouraged… I wouldn’t want to have that with my son. I want him to see me as someone he could totally trust with anything. I want him to feel that he could be very raw with me, be at his worst and know full well that I love him no matter what. I know that this love I feel for my son is the same love that Mama feels for me though I may see it differently at times.

It takes reflecting on the matter to put everything in the right perspective. As always, writing and reflecting makes me understand things the more, and enables me to look at every situation objectively. Now, an earlier disagreement with Mama is slowly being devoid of its “sting.” I understand her more fully now. And I value her more fully now that I am a mother myself. Her being who she is – both the good and the “not-so-good” traits – is teaching me a great deal about being a mother. It is guiding me as to what I should aim to be, hope to be and work out to become…

Here’s a toast to all the mothers in the world. I know that while none of us may be perfect, nothing could ever compare to the kind of love we feel for our offspring. I think it’s a sliver of God’s love personified…

Organizational Skills

Baby is such a naughty three year old. It concerns me at times, observing how he derives so much amusement at making fun of people. By “people” I meant his lola’s, his cousins, his Tatay and myself. His laughter (which is so amusing in itself) would fill the house after he’d pull a prank at any of us. At times like this, I would tell myself how it all seemed so cute now, hearing his laughter, watching his face fully lit up by mirth because he’s still a three-year-old kid and looks totally adorable. How about when he is much older? Would I find it amusing by then?

And yet, on the other hand, there is also no denying how Baby is also displaying everyday how he is a responsible, dependable person. At his age, he is able to dress himself up everyday for school. He puts on his socks, shoes… insists on putting on his sando and buttoning up his polo. When he arrives home from school or from outside, he knows where to put his shoes or sandals, and where to look for a change of clothes. Also, I think one of the first words he ever uttered was “LAUNDRY” hahaha! After changing out of his clothes, he goes straight to the hamper with them. There were times when he gets distracted by play and would just drop everything but these cases are more of a rarity than the usual.

There was this incident one time wherein I was picking up after him in the car. He sometimes has this habit of spreading his toys in the backseat and play while we are mobile. At that time we were nearing our stop and I was in a hurry to get moving. He was coloring then and I immediately scooped up the box and placed it inside his backpack. He was probably watching me intently, noticing how I did not insist on his picking after himself. He scolded me – imagine that – and pointed out how the crayons should be placed at the outside pocket of his pack and not inside. He said that his extra clothes are there and might be soiled by the crayons. I felt sheepish and resolved not to let my work or appointments distract me least I would not be able to set a good example again.

The other day, he asked for some pretzels after spending half an hour at a kid’s playroom. I was hungry myself so I relented. Again, I was on my way to another appointment. I was distracted, my mind already getting ahead of me. I stopped short when he called after me and said, “Alcohol please Nanay, kain na ako.” (I want to eat already)

Earlier tonight as well, I was cleaning up the shoe rack and he was right beside me, excited with rediscovering his old slippers and shoes. When I noticed Tatay’s carelessly discarded used socks, I groaned out loud but did not say anything. I just continued with the cleaning. We found his old pair of Crocs and were in a “negotiation” mode as to whether or not we give them away to any of his cousins. Knowing him, he had attachments to his things. He is always loathe to part with them. I had to reason with him patiently why they would be put to good use when given away than just wasting away. At these moments, I am also somewhat reluctant to insist about giving them away. I feel that I also ought to honor his feelings. When he is really adamant about holding on to a thing, I would always let him have his way and yet firmly pointing out to him that he would have to part with it when he is already ready to let it go.

I was already preparing him for bed when the “socks incident” surfaced again. I was surprised to learn (though by now, I should have known better) how he seemed to notice everything. He suddenly said – “May isabi ako sa ‘yo Nay” (I have something to tell you, Nay) He then stood up and leaned towards my ear and whispered, “Pagdating ni Tatay, pagalitan mo siya Nay, dahil sa socks niya.” (When Tatay arrives, you scold him Nanay for his socks.) He whispered it so softly that I had to have him repeat it to me. I was so amused by it. In response I asked him where Tatay should have placed his socks. And without missing a beat he replied, “Laundry!”

Again, these incidents have me feel so blessed to have Baby as my son. He does have his moments. He could be super hyper, being all-over the place and leaving me quite breathless and exhausted. He could also be quite a rebel too, insisting on not following the colors of his “Copy the Color workbooks.” Even when the page would scream “red” for the apple, he would insist about coloring it violet or whatever color he may fancy. Also he would give me the opposites of the answers to the question I would ask him, demonstrating to me quite clearly his intelligence. Like when we had discussed siblings and how a girl sibling is called a “sister” and ‘brother” is its opposite. When I asked him about it afterwards, he would insist that he is a “sister” to his “brother” Ate Janin, the whole time smiling mischievously.

Earlier also, when we encountered the word, “germs” in our reading and I asked him about it, he naughtily replied it meant, “malinis” (something clean) knowing full well it is the other way around. At moments like this, I am always torn between being amused and indignant. I know he is testing his limits with me, pushing further his boundaries.

Once again I feel blessed to have Baby. I could not thank God well enough…

Birthday Blog 2009

I was going through the motions of getting Baby to bed earlier and in response to my “goodnight,” he said, “Happy Birthday.” I had my back on him, fussing with the beddings. I turned to him, really surprised and well, so touched by the gesture. I think I had to blink twice just to make sure it is still my three year old son talking. The greeting was totally unexpected, coming from a three year old…

Yes, another birthday… another year… the journal I wrote last year is still very fresh to me. I was very emotional at that time, being 2 months pregnant (which a few days later resulted to my second miscarriage) and being utterly grateful for being on vacation with my family in Bora.

Now, a year later, there is no fancy vacation though I had totally intended to be in another island getaway again this year. But Baby is already in school and I have qualms about him missing school. Plus, we have incurred quite a lot of expenses this year owing to Baby’s attending pre-school. It had eaten quite a lot to our normally allotted vacation money hehehe But definitely, I am not regretting it one bit. And neither are we scrapping our annual vacation this year.

Ah yeah, priorities... being an adult and a parent sure has changed me in so many ways. Now, I have to reorder my priorities… while that wanderlust it still very much a part of who I am, and my passion about finding meaning in everything I do is still very much there, my energies are no longer just bent on these pursuits… These days, being a parent, a “guardian” to a three-year old living soul is foremost in my mind and it is influencing my every action and decision…

Sitting here now, noticing that the clock just announces that as of 35 minutes earlier, I had just turned a year older, I am wondering whether it was wise of me to have unwittingly allowed parenthood to “consume” me in such a way. Well, for sure, there are no regrets. Seeing how Baby is turning out to be these days is making me believe that while I may not be the best parent there is, I know I have done justice to the role that is given to me, in this stage of my life.

But, right now, I am also thinking how I need to detach myself a bit from such a role. While being a parent is certainly very important, that is not all there is to me. I should really allot some time for my own personal pursuits… to be with my God, to be with myself, be with my friends without tagging Baby along.

To just “be” -- sans all the attachments and everything that I identify myself with these past few years. Writing about it now, I am realizing how it’s been such a long time since I did that – to just “be.” Now I resolve to give more time to do just that…

As every birthday blog, I wouldn’t want to end this particular entry without ever making an acknowledgement to that Bigger Being who had made all these things possible… As always, I would like to express how completely grateful I am for the life He has given me. I thank Him most specially for all the wonderful “details” He had also thrown into it. I’ve written this before and I’ll write about it again and again – how He had woven such a wonderful tapestry that is my life. And I could not thank Him well enough.

Earlier this evening, sitting in the cinema with Baby in my arms, he suddenly turned to me and wrapped his arms around me, laying his head gently on my shoulder. I felt contentment so profound that I did not want the moment to end. At that instant I realized that is probably how God wants it as well, for us to turn to Him and just lie contentedly in His arms. Now, marking another year in my life, another thing to be grateful once again, I yearn for the comfort of God’s hand. At the moment, I just want to lie down at His feet and surrender everything to Him – all my dreams, my desires, my disappointments, my shortcomings, my brokenness… I would like to give back to Him the life he had given me and once again “plan” with Him what to do with it…

Baby's First...

Yesterday marked another milestone in Baby’s life. He attended formal school for the first time. Long before yesterday, we were already all excited about it. The first time we brought his uniforms home, there were endless fittings after that. When we bought his shoes, there were fittings again – all by Baby himself, who seemed to be more excited than we are.

We had a hard time coaxing him out of sleep. His time is at 8:00 in the morning. And of course we wanted to make it on time or even a bit early. I got a bit worried when he cried and cried and keep saying, “Gusto ko tulog, Nanay!” hehehe really cute of him. But eventually he quieted down especially when he noticed Janin all dressed up and ready for school. We had a hard time feeding him breakfast though since he just had his bottle.

Nonetheless, we arrived in Ateneo early. His classroom was still closed. So we spent some time waiting for the teacher to come. We went to the library to check if he could spend some time there but changed our mind. We were thinking we might have difficulty prying him away from there when it is already time. When we got back to his classroom, the teacher was already there, coaxing the “babies” inside. Well, they were still practically babies at 3 to 4 years old – teeny-weeny, little human beings :) Some were in there school uniforms such as Baby was while some were in their casual wear.

I felt proud and relieved when Baby entered the classroom without hesitation. His voice was barely audible though when he answered his teacher who asked his name. I felt that we were able to prepare him very well for the experience. There were some babies who refused to enter the classroom even if the parent volunteers to accompany them inside.

Baby appeared very shy, barely responding when the teacher asked them to raise hands, clap their hands, etc. He would mimic the actions but his hands would remain in his lap. For the first part, he had been like that. But he was able to follow instructions well. They were taught how to carry their chairs silently; get, prepare, and return their playmats; wash their hands; use the spoon properly; and string some beads. Yeah, all that in two and a half hours time. There were only 7 of them after all, as it was still their orientation period.

Their whole section was divided into groups for different orientation sessions over the period of one week. So for this week, Baby’s sked was only that of Monday.
Actually, based on the alphabetical order of their surname’s, Baby’s sked should have been Tuesday. But, since I have a training and be lodged in Eden, I asked the teacher to move his sked to Monday so I would be there. Luckily, we were accommodated.

Next week, they will have another two-day session. That, and another session on Friday that all pupils in their section will be present. A week thereafter – on June 22 – will be the start of their regular classes.

So anyway, I got a bit concerned noticing Baby’s “shyness.” But later on, his confidence seem to grow by the minute. Then come the feeding time. Level one pupils were given free snacks. I was amused when I noticed they were being served munchkins. Another good thing about it is that it is his favorite flavor, “butterchoco” or something. That chocolate flavored munchkin sprinkled with orangy “dust.” Anyway, they were first asked to form in line, to take turns washing their hands. They were taught how to do it properly. Then, they were asked to get their placemats and carry them to their place on the table. When all the kids were seated, the teacher then proceeded to give them their share of iced tea, and munchkins. Each was given plates on which their munchkins were placed. They were given one munchkin each.

The funny thing was, when the teacher asked who wants some more munchkin, Baby – earlier, very shy Baby – immediately raised his hand. Haha! And he did it quite enthusiastically, no trace of shyness whatsoever. It was Tatay and I, looking on, who felt a bit ashamed haha! We were both so amused by it. And then, Baby did it again for the second time. He consumed a total of three munchkins in all. Haha!

After that, Baby began to grow more comfortable with the other kids and the teacher. In fact, at one point, he so boldly took the puppet used by the teacher… It was very much a satisfying experience. I felt truly grateful that everything went on smoothly…

The night before, we had prayed as one family – Tatay, Baby and I. We acknowledged that Baby’s first day in school is such an important milestone in his life. We thanked God for it. At the same time, we fervently prayed that it be a start of a good experience for Baby, outside of the home. We prayed that he’d be safe, protected from bullies, learn to love learning, learn about life, gain lasting friendships, have the best “teachers” that would be instrumental in his growth as the best person that he could be…

Yeah, it is only pre-school but it marked the first step of Baby’s journey outside of the home. This time, he will not only be learning from me or from his Tatay. He will be learning about a lot of things, about relationships outside of the family… It is a very important event and we certainly need God’s guidance and blessings...

Baby’s first day in school.

Well, officially, it is baby’s first day in school. Took him there today to talk the entrance examination. The usual, it is not without drama. Yesterday, coming from the snorkeling trip, I was hungry and too tired to do any thinking. Mama, whom we found at home suddenly announced she’s going to the downtown house. My mindset had been that we’d all be sleeping at the Empress home and just go downtown real early so mama would not be late for school. She had volunteered for enrolment to get some day credits which will surely come handy for out-of-the-blue family trips we might be taking sometime the middle of the year.

Anyway, since she was deadest about going home, we decided to just sleep at Mama Fely’s house as well. So with that, we had very little time to prepare. I just grabbed at some clothes I will be wearing for Baby’s big day in school the next day. What I forgot to grab was the plastic envelope wherein Baby’s entrance exam documents and some pictures are in.

So this afternoon, thirty minutes before our set appointment, I realized we had to drive all the way back to Empress just to get the documents. We also realized that mama had the key to the Empress house so we had to get it from her at school. It was such a mayhem. I’m pretty distracted these days with my mind occupied about beating deadlines. There are just far too many things too accomplish that I allowed myself to focus on just one report at a time. I refused to think about the other reports left to be accomplished. It’s the only way for me to keep my sanity. So naturally, I also neglected to think about some important domestic matters such as Baby’s documents.

Anyway. thankfully, I was still able to keep my cool – let Tatay go all the way to Empress while Baby and I just took the taxi to go to his school. Once there, I had to use my charm and negotiation skills to explain that the needed documents were not with me but is already on its way to me. Imagine that 

It was a disappointment to find out Baby will be taking the exam and interview without me. Well, it makes so much sense. Still, I had been looking forward to seeing how he’d deal with the situation. Haaay. And it’s doubly disappointing since until now, Baby does not show any sign of wanting to share with me what took place while he was taking the exam. I’ve asked him about it ever since he had stepped out of the examination room. Other than bits and pieces that he volunteered, I have no idea what happened. Well, knowing Baby I’d know he’d be telling us all about it in bits and pieces – on moments when he would be remembering any of it.

Funny, was it not only yesterday that I had to feel so at awed to see such a dependent, helpless, little baby in my arms? Now, Baby is shaping up right before my very eyes. His personality is becoming more apparent everyday. He’s becoming more expressive, more creative and more independent. I know being in school will transform him even more. I’m holding my breath, cant wait to witness his own unfolding…

Parenting Style

Baby was sick while I was preparing to go for another training. I was loathe to go. I did not want to drive home the point to Baby that my work is more important to me. One thing difficult about this job that I have is that schedules are set way, way beforehand and there is no such thing as taking a “sick leave” or an “emergency leave.” Commitments are commitments no matter if something else came up.

To compromise, I gave up a free ride to the venue of the training to spend another night with Baby. Good thing the organizers agreed that I would just report on the day of the training itself. I knew they would have wanted me to come earlier since there are still a lot of things that needed straightening out. So while I tended to Baby, I prepared him as best as I could to my impending absence for the next two days. I told him I wanted to be with him as he is sick but I had made prior commitments. I told him, I would rather be with him instead and that I would be constantly worrying about him where I am.

I made a deal with him. I told him, I needed him to take care of himself while I’m away. I told him he had to get better since he would have to fetch me where I’d be. I told him I would be staying at a resort and that on the day that they would fetch me, there would be a bird show he would be watching. I also told him we will be going to the eagle center which is just nearby, where we be seeing a real eagle first hand, for the first time. I told him I want him to have that experience and that I want to share it with him and so he really would have to get better.

The toughest part about it was that I also got sick while I was in training. While we were working sleepless over some of the training requirements, I was fighting down the beginnings of a bad case of flu as well. I shrugged it off, thinking only of Sunday when Baby would come and experience a bird show for the first time. Quite weird it might be, but it was what kept me going for the next two full-24- hours working.

Then Sunday came. I got a text from Tatay that Mama objected to Baby’s coming over as he is not quite well yet. I knew it made so much sense but I certainly felt as if a plug was pulled from under me. My intention was to have the olds come as well so they could enjoy the experience and the eagle trip. It had been a while since we had some kind of family outing. So when I got that text from Tatay, my immediate reaction was that it was Mama again and her tendency to object on just about anything. Hehehe that was fever and stress talking I guess. That, and being frustrated at having all my plans gone askew.

After a while, I began to see Mama’s intentions. Baby, probably is not feeling well yet. After all, the resort I’m at is quite a drive from downtown. To catch the bird show at 10:00 AM, they would have to leave the house at 8:30 in the morning. Well, that is how slow Tatay drives when he has family (esp. Baby) on board. It’s at a rate of the average time it takes to get there plus another 30 minutes or so, depending on the distance. Him driving friends or clients to adventure destinations, is a different thing altogether.

Anyway, so while I was downright drowning in my flu and my disappointment, I asked Tatay how well Baby is and that if he thinks he’s not well enough to make the whole trip then they would have to stay at home and I would have to catch a ride with the rest of the training team. Tatay’s response was that he would fetch me no matter what. I asked him to ask Baby how he feels about the whole thing. I told him to ask Baby if he’s feeling well enough for the trip to fetch me or that he would rather stay at home.

I was waiting for Tatay’s response when it dawned on me how today’s generation of parents (well, at least those I know personally) have really come a long way compared to our own parent’s parenting style. I mean, who would have thought of consulting a 3-year old on such matters? In the past, parents would normally just do things on the basis of their own judgments. There is no such thing as consulting the children no matter how old they are already. Well, generally that is. No one could blame them either since they also have learned that from the parents before them.

When Tatay texted me that they would have to push through with the trip since Baby is showing everyone he’s really trying hard to appear “not sick,” I was both overjoyed and concerned. I asked Tatay to bring pillows and do everything to make Baby really comfortable all the way. True enough, they arrived when I was just wrapping things up with the training. I was glad to see that the olds and my “niece-daughter” Janin came as well. The weekend was a blast. Baby and I were not feeling so well to fully appreciate everything but it is nice to hear him babble about the eagles and animals he saw back at the eagle center the past few days. It means the experience still made a mark on him. Lately he’d been so quick to tell everyone who cares to listen, that he was finally able to see a real eagle and not just the ones on the book or his DVDs. Also, what I particularly liked about that weekend is the “hito-stop” we made at the city’s “hito district” where rows of restaurants serving hito can be found. To save time, we ordered fried hito for take out and enjoyed it once we got home.

Back on parenting style, I could never claim to be the best parent there is. I certainly have my faults as well. I also have my own shortcomings that would have me cry silently in shame after an episode has passed. But this, I could certainly say, I try my best to be the best that I could be…

Amazing Three Year Old Logic

Last night, Mama wanted to check on the Empress House since its been a while since either of us have slept there. As usual, she worried over her plants. I just came from a training and was famished so we had dinner first and had to take care of the things that we needed to take home with us. So it took a while before we were able to go.

Baby was already sleepy so we gave him his bottle which his Tatay had thoughtfully prepared beforehand. He was with his Lola at the back but asked to sit on my lap while he took to his bottle. After he was done, we got into a conversation. He was always vocal about wanting an "Innova" because as he claimed, it looks shiny, sleek, and for sure the air-conditioning would be perfect. We also got to talk about “Kongkong” (Hongkong). Seeing pictures earlier of Disneyland gave him the idea. After that, he proceeded to enumerate what he wants me to buy when I already have money. It was a long list that started with “Chukie,” Hany, watch a movie, etc...

After a while I told him when I’m already old, it would be him who would be giving me all those things. I told him he would be the one to buy me food, vitamins, medicine, give me vacation money, my own car… From snuggling comfortably in my arms he sat up suddenly, looked up to me and said, “Bakit? Anak ka?” (Why, are you my offspring?) Hahaha! Amazing logic. I was so taken aback by his reaction that I could not stop laughing for a long time. Really amazing logic, “anak” indeed!

Tired.

Came in from two sleepless weeks of doing technical writing work. Had a workshop that is supposed to be till tomorrow but I have to cut it short and bring someone else in for a prior commitment made which will require my services starting tomorrow till Sunday...

Well, I am grateful for the blessings since work in a way is a blessing and I always have the option to turn them down... Oh well, I did but they still want me anyway, which is a privilege really....

Lenten Reflections

I stood in Church, holding Baby in my arms as I listened to the priest’s sermon. I was called to attention when he invited everyone to be sensitive… to what we hear, see, and feel during the Mass. The priest had said that it is only in being sensitive to everything around would we know what God is trying to tell us in the whole celebration of the Holy Mass.

The gospel was about Jesus’ death and crucifixion and he reminded us that through the Mass we have started a week long celebration of God’s resurrection. There were three readers who read the gospel. One was the narrator of the story line, a deacon reads out Jesus’ lines while another reads out the parts of Pilate and that of the crowd of Jews who had clamored for Jesus’ crucifixion.

When the priest made a reference to Pilates role in that particular part of Jesus’ life I realized that every time we will not own to our own mistakes, or refuse to do something good for our own self-preservation, or turn a blind eye on the truth just because we lack the courage to uphold it, we are being Pilate who helped put Jesus on the cross.

Along with that I also realized that when we are envious of others, bitter about other people’s success and shot at glory just because our lives have remained miserable compare to theirs, we are like the Sadducees and the Chief Priest who have contrived and brought on Jesus’ fate simply because they are envious of Him.

I stood there, realizing that every time we “celebrate” Lent, the focus is always on two things. First, on Jesus’ ultimate, loving sacrifice of suffering through humiliation and dying on the cross for our salvation. Second, on His resurrection that is a reminder to all of us that there is life after death and that because of His sacrifice we too have a shot at eternity.

And yet, as I reflected about Pilate’s and the Sadducees actions, those who gave Jesus bitter wine to drink instead of water, those who raffled off His clothes rendering Him naked, of all those who were responsible and had participated in Jesus’ suffering then, I realized that we too ought to focus on them as well. We ought to examine closely their motives, their actions, how they were because it was them who had put Jesus on the cross.

By reflecting on their motives and actions we will be made aware about that part of human nature that is responsible for Christ’s suffering. It was envy, sloth, apathy, high regard for self-preservation among others that had brought on Christ’s suffering. So that every time we’d feel envious of others, have that malicious dislike of others for one reason or another, we could remind ourselves that these very feelings were what nailed Jesus’ on the cross.

Truly Jesus is great because by living amongst us He had showed us all aspects of human nature, how human nature can be so self-giving yet at the same time be so selfish; be so full of love and could also be so full of hatred and malice… By walking amongst us He had showed us what it means to be truly human through and through…

Prayer Hike

The night before the prayer hike, I had a hard time falling asleep. I’m not sure if it was the coffee I made the mistake of drinking that afternoon (of which I’m not really used to drinking) or something else. I tossed and turn but to avail, sleep really proved elusive. I thought about what I would do just to while the time away. I decided to prepare for the prayer hike and pray. I opened the Bible and the search led me to the Book of Isaiah. As I let the words settle into my being, it dawned on me that this is probably what God wants C4C Davao to be – to go beyond the mere externals of the exercise of faith and to dwell more on what really matters – what is in our hearts.

As I continued to read, soft promptings also fill my head. It dawned on me that it is indeed so true, in our desire to really be of service to others, we devote so much time on the logistics that goes into it – the resources needed, where these resources should be sourced, what the “action plan” should be, who would be responsible for what… And yet, in the Book of Isiah God said, “What do I care for your endless sacrifices?...When you come before me and trample on my courts, who asked you to visit me?... When you stretch out your hands I will close my eyes; the more you pray, the more I refuse to listen, for your hands are bloody. Wash yourselves clean. Remove from my sight the evil of your deeds. Put an end to your wickedness…”

Reading the verse made me realize that God does not care so much on the externals or one’s going through the motion of serving others or of doing good. I think what the verse is telling me is that God is more concerned about knowing where He stands in my life; whether I am continuously and consciously working towards the cleansing of my heart and making sure that my actions are borne out of the purest of intentions.

The verse is clear about God not caring about our sacrifices, all forms of offerings if on the one hand, we continue to live a life that is unpleasing in His eyes. The word that keeps cropping to my head while I reflected on what I had just read is “introspection.” And it is telling me that this would have a lot to do with what we will be hoping to do for C4C Davao.

There would be climbing missions, that is for sure since that is what the organization is about. But along with that, there would be “basecamp sessions” as well, wherein we would try to examine where we are as an individual – where our relationship with our God is concerned; to constantly check our bearings – whether or not our “faith compass” is still pointing at the right direction. And to be really clear about our intentions for doing any activity we might decide to pursue for the organization.

I am remembering one of the things that Ace had shared with me in one of his emails – how we should always start with God, turn our eyes on Him first, since we could not give what we do not have. How then can we share Him to the other people up there if we don’t have Him in our lives to begin with?

Thinking along this line, I am brought to the fact that I still have a long, long way to go where that is concerned. “Cleansing” is a never-ending process especially in my case, who is still very much a work in progress. But who isn’t? I should not let this “minute” detail then get in the way of what we would be trying to do for C4C Davao.

The prayer hike went ahead as planned. What was not planned though was that there would only be Tatay, Rufino and I. But as Ace had said, we could not wait for having the right number of persons, the right time, the right situation before doing something. Otherwise, we would not be able to accomplish anything.

I was feeling a bit low as we started with the hike up the Shrine Hill at a little before 5 AM. Tatay had to go ahead to park the car at the Shrine of the Child Jesus where we will be ending the hike. Rufino and I were already half-way up when we met him going down on foot. He walked the rest of the way with us.

I can’t help but feel a wanting to have with us a few more people. There is certainly strength in numbers. But again, Ace is right. Jesus had said that if there will only be two people who would agree to ask about something, the Father in Heaven would hear them and grant that prayer.

I had prepared a long list of things to pray for. The main purpose of the hike was really trying to discern His plans for C4C Davao. I felt that God had partly answered that already the night before when he planted that restlessness in me and brought me to the first chapter of the book of Isaiah.

The chapter had ended with, “18 ‘Come,’ says the Lord, ‘let us reason together. Though your sins be like scarlet, they will be white as snow; though they be as crimson red, they will be white as wool…”

The words, “reason” and “ together” really struck me then and the image that came to mind is having that constant dialogue with God; to have that intimate connection with Him. I felt as if through C4C, God is extending an invitation… For us to have that constant “conversation” with Him, to “reason” with Him, to argue with Him, to deepen our relationship with Him.

I had always tried to seek God in everything that I do, in every experience I may have. (Although certainly, there are also days when I don’t really bother to try that hard.) I know C4C would give me the same opportunity to get to know Him more fully… I know it will be another avenue for the unfolding of my own truth as an individual…

With C4C Davao I know God is starting something different in my life, another chapter altogether… I couldn’t wait to begin yet another adventure with Him…

Saranggola

Some time ago - at the stage when I dabbled on art and sketching - I had this complete series on "Kites" which I did in watercolors. They showed a father and a son in different acts of flying a kite together. They were special to me and I imagined them to be something that will form part of my future.

Yesterday, owing to how hot it was at home, Tatay, Bolets, Janin and I decided to spend the afternoon at the tree-lined, four-lane, driveway of the subdivision. There were some shady parts there owing to the acacia trees and it was cool and windy. It proved to be perfect for what Tatay had planned of doing that afternoon - fly kite with his son.

Using old calendar sheets, some masking tapes and walis ting-ting, he managed to make two kites. One for Bolets and another for our niece, Janin. Just watching Baby helping Tatay create the kites was enough to make feel grateful for the experience. It was his little comments in that cute, little voice of his that made the experience special -- "Di bale Ate, maya di na mainit" (Don't worry Ate, later, it won't be hot anymore) when his cousin complained about how hot it was out there. Watching them fly the kites together - father and son -- gave me twice the fulfillment.

When I made that complete watercolor series, I was dreaming about my future, about what I hope my marriage would be like. I was wishing for a dotting husband and father to my son. Now, that I'm right smack in the middle of family life, I'm finding out it is not as "quiet," dreamy and as perfect as what the paintings had been. There simply are just realities that one had to contend with. Still, I'm not giving up on the dreamy, quiet part... or the "magical" part for that matter...

Baby's New Antics

Two weeks ago, I called home from a workshop to ask Tatay for something. It was Baby who answered the phone. After the usual greeting and exchange of "I love you's," I told him to give Tatay the phone and then in complete sentence, and without hesitation, he answered me, "Wala si Tatay dito." (Tatay is not here) I felt my heart expand. It was the first "straight" telephone conversation we have ever had. And I felt emotional realizing that Baby is really not a baby anymore. He really could communicate very well already. And it is becoming apparent everyday.

If before, I had to rely on mother's insticts and guess work to figure out what Baby is saying to me, now, there hardly is a need to. More often than not, Baby is straightforward in saying what he wants and in communicating his thoughts with me, with us. And I find that very endearing and refreshing.

And not only can he communicate well, he's logic is faultless as well.Just yesterday, we were having lunch over at the in-laws. Having finished first, I was served iced tea. Seeing it, he also asked for his share. I pointed out he could not have iced tea since he’s not yet through eating. When he got a bit noisy, refused to take another bite unless served iced tea, I got exasperated and told him he could have some but just a little. His rejoinder was quick. With a pout he told me – “Di konti! Marami! O, dami rice ko!” (Not just a little! Look, I have plenty of rice!) How do you argue with that?

We were on our way home after that lunch when we passed by where we usually take the turn for my former office. Good as he is with directions, he immediately recognized the corner and remarked: “Nanay’s work!” pointing at the corner. Then, holding out his fingers and counting them off he said, “Dami office ni Nanay!” (Nanay goes to a lot of offices!) This, in reference to the frequency of their taking me to hotels the past few weeks. Just this morning, dropping me off at this hotel, which had been and will be the venue of weekend workshops till next week, he readily took it for granted that this is my office as well.

There’s this one incident as well last week wherein I was admonishing him for something. I can no longer remember what exactly about. I could remember telling him about what he did was “Bawal!” (A no-no!) He appeared to have accepted my verdict and then grew quiet for some time. And then he said, “Sa ‘yo Nanay, di bawal?” (How about you, Nanay? It’s okay for you to do it?) Cute baby I have here. =)

“Office ni Nanay” (Mother’s Office)

This morning, even though it was a weekend, I had a workshop to document. I was tired, coming from another grueling workshop for the past three days. I would have just wanted to linger in bed. But work is work and in truth, I’m actually excited to be a part of that particular project. It concerns the family and business – the former, being my foremost passion for the moment and the latter, something I’ve been contemplating about getting into more seriously, one of these days. When I have the time that is hehe It’s going to be an engagement, spread out for the next two months. It’s going to take away my weekends for that long but I am certainly looking forward to learning as much as I can from it.

So anyway while I was getting ready, Baby woke up and immediately looked for his Tatay. I told him Tatay is getting the car ready since he’s taking me to work. He immediately got teary-eyed and told me it’s okay for him if I work but that Tatay should stay at home with him. I told him Tatay would have to take me to work but would be right back. That was not good enough for him though. In the end, we had to take him along with us. There is nothing new about that. Being without a nanny for a long time now, we had to constantly tag him along wherever we go. If I had to go to the gym, Tatay had to go some other time since he had to watch over Baby and vice-versa.

So anyway, it did not dawn on me that Baby has been taking note of the places we’re going to and have certain associations for them. Until this morning. The workshop was at a downtown hotel which is a common venue for training and workshops. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve taken or fetched me from there. Just as we were about to turn the corner where the hotel was, Baby suddenly exclaimed, “Oh! There! Office ni Nanay! Yehey! Ayan na office ni Nanay.” (Oh! There it is, Mother’s office!) I was so surprised but at the same time, was also greatly amused. Office indeed! Hehe!

So true, even when I was still working full time or now that I’m doing free-lance work, my world revolves mostly in hotels and training venues. And Baby had grown up spending time in hotels as well especially when the training would be “live-in” and would run for several days. When he was a mere six-month old baby, I had dragged him all the way to Legazpi because I had to be there for five days and I was breastfeeding him. A few months after that, I had to drag him again to Cebu and then Baguio.

It’s just funny how Baby readily associates the hotels as my office. He’d been to my previous office several times and yes, he would readily exclaim as we would drive towards it that there is Nanay’s office. It’s really funny how he thought of the hotels as my office as well just because I’d tell him I’m off to work every time they take me there.

The whole experience drove home the point to me that Baby is really at the stage now that he is taking everything in and associating situations and events with different things. He is really at such a vulnerable age wherein he is starting to define things based on his own experiences from it. Like love. Everything that he is experiencing with us as parents would be something he’d associate with love and how relationships should be. And that whole thing has a lot of bearing on his self-confidence, how he regards himself, and us as his parents. Imagine that. The realization is humbling and puts a lot of pressure on me. I am not perfect and I am afraid I have committed things and may still do things that could harm Baby for the rest of his life.

In one of the sessions this morning, the resource person gave emphasis on the point that a family is a very powerful force that can help build the individual and at the same time, could also be responsible for hampering his/her growth. And I think that “powerful force” is something that is completely in the parents’ hands. Well, at least when the children are still small. How that power is yielded depends solely on them and how they in turn were brought up as kids.

I look at Tatay and his dysfunctional family and I am very much worried indeed. And of course, there is also my own imperfection. But no, I refuse to dwell much on that. That is out of my hands already. It’s been done and there is nothing I can do about it now. However, Baby’s present and future is something that is now my sole responsibility. Definitely, there is something I can do about THAT. And of course there is God, who is the source of all my strength. I may be weak by I am comforted with the thought that He too has a plan where the life of son is concerned. I am not alone in this.

These days, realizing my role as a parent, I find plenty of reasons to be on my knees just to implore Him to make things right for my son and to protect Baby from my own mistakes and distorted take on some things. He had never failed me where providing for our financial needs is concerned. I am counting on the belief that He also would not fail to guide Tatay and I to make the right decisions for our son and to bring him up in the way that he should go. For that particular prayer alone, I put my whole heart and being into it. It is that important to me.

There’s this particular song I particularly liked because it serves as a prayer to me where being a parent is concerned. I have already posted it here but I'll post it again here soon.

Repost...

I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress
still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore.
True, I may still be very much a work in progress
but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well.

My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him.
I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep
not out of shame but out of knowing
that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth
and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet
but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.

Reading past entries a while back when I came across the above entry. It was on my birthday blog last year and I am immediately humbled. Because, another birthday is just around the corner and yet here I am, still "working on" having a conscious effort at "working for" my own unfolding. And I'm quite ashamed at the thought that just last weekend, I stumbled big time where that is concerned... I'm reposting the above entry to remind myself... Because, I have certainly forgotten...

"Climbing" into Place

Last night I attended a meeting with "Climbing for Christ" (C4C) and I came home feeling as if everything is finally starting to fall into place. The desire to serve communities “up there” is a calling that I had felt even before I stepped out of college. It is the reason that got me into mountaineering. Five years into it and I am still wanting where the “serving” experience is concerned.

The act of finding myself was there – as I wrestled with my own limitations as I try to go beyond myself in order to conquer the mountains I’ve visited. I grew physically, overcoming my own weaknesses as every mountain experience taught me what my limitations are and how it is possible to go beyond them. Spiritually, I grew too. Communing with nature, conquering oneself and not just the mountain, drove home the point of how there is a Being far bigger than I am. The appreciation I have for the wonders of nature is nothing compared to the appreciation and awe I feel for the Creator of these wonders.

There was, however, very little opportunity for serving. Those trips I took were mostly for the adventure of it. In my travels though I’ve met some locals who, by their stories and by simply seeing how they live, touched me in so many ways. I would like to believe that I am also able to touch their lives somewhat by the stories that I also share with them.

Last night, when Ace showed us a video of one of their ministries, Tatay whispered, “Ito na yung inaantay mo ‘Nay.” (This is what you’ve been waiting for ‘Nay). It wasn’t a question. It was an acknowledgment. In that little phrase, Tatay said in words what I was also telling myself silently. What was shown in the video was the very experience I’ve been wanting and envisioning for myself (and very recently for my husband and son as well). It is an experience I very much want to be a part of and I felt a mixture of well-being and trepidation as it dawns to me that I am finally given a shot at it. Here is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. And God knows how long I’ve waited. The trepidation I felt was at the thought of the responsibility it also entails. Ah, I catch myself. Fear is borne out of my lack of self-confidence or more appropriately, by my own "self-centeredness." Once again, I am forgetting that this whole thing is not about me. It is never about me but God’s business. And looking at it that way, I know there is nothing to fear really…

Ace and Doc Cecil said something last night about how God sometimes uses our talents, our experiences for a greater purpose later on. I felt as if all those years of waiting, of being involved solely in mountaineering was to prepare me for this greater experience I am about to embark on.

For the longest time too I’ve been praying for Tatay to have that relationship with Him. Oh, he is a believer. He attends Sunday Masses with me and twice accompanied me to community worship. Sometimes even, he prayed the longest than I. But the relationship is not there. It’s as if he revels in the “communion” when he is there but forgets about it as soon as he had stepped out of the church. I longed for him to get to know Him in the way that I do, for Tatay to acknowledge Him in every aspect of his life. And then last night happened.

I am amused at how God saw to answering this particular prayer of mine. Or more aplty, as to how He would court Tatay into having a relationship with Him. I had prayed that He would find a way to Tatay’s heart, to instill in Tatay the desire to get to know Him more. And He had. What could be more fitting than revealing Himself to Tatay in the one thing he is so passionate about – climbing. Looking back, in Tatay’s own confused spiritual path – how he had gone from one religion to the next and then back again – I feel that, that too was just preparing him for this experience now.

This morning I woke up to Tatay snuggling close to me and telling me how he loves me very much. I know it was his way of thanking me for bringing him along last night and for the invitation I extended. Now I know why we had to stay together despite all that we’ve been through. Because He had a plan for this union. As Ace related to us his own teen-age marriage and how the first three years had been a struggle, I felt as if he had also been telling our story. He also related how everything had changed when they invited a third person into their marriage – Him. I had prayed for that to happen in our case but it had been difficult.

Now, I feel as if everything is falling into place and how all the things in the past were really just a preparation for all of this now… I pray that God will continue the work He had started in us last night.

Baby's Initiation to the Community

Just finished working on some PowerPoint presentations. It was the very first thing I did after waking up. It had to be rushed after all, owing to a 10:00 AM meeting I had that wherein I will be needing them. I wanted to do them last night but Baby had needed my attention and slept real late. By the time I managed to have him sleep, I was too sleepy to do the work and so I decided to just sleep and wake up early. And I did.

I was half-way through the task when I felt the need to look for my collection of gospel music and to listen to them while working. While doing so, I immediately remembered what happened last night.

Tatay, Baby and I attended a Charismatic mass. We had intended to attend the Saturday anticipated Mass but Tatay had other plans. So, we decided to attend an early morning Mass instead. But then, we woke up late. Then, just when we were getting ready to attend the afternoon Mass, I got a text message from Jeni urging me to go to the gym.

While I was having some misgivings at the thought of keeping on delaying hearing Mass, I finally understood in the end why it had to be so. We were on our way to the gym when I noticed a sign announcing the conduct of a CLSS that particular weekend. It meant that its last day will be capped by a Charismatic Mass at 6:00 PM. I got excited at the prospect. Aside from the fact that I really want to be a part of it again, I am excited to introduce Baby to the community’s way of worship. I was so looking forward to seeing him sing and dance to the worship songs.

And God did not fail me. I felt my heart expand when I saw Baby raised his hand, danced and mimicked what the rest of us were doing at the end of the Mass. He danced and sang along with the rest of us. It was a glorious moment for me…

Whew!

It's almost 2 am and here I am trying so hard to keep myself awake. I slept real late last night because I made a mistake of browsing on the first few pages of '100 Years of Solitude' that was a Christmas gift from a dear friend.

I knew I had an early call the next day -- this morning. And that I would be documenting an FGD nonetheless that would require my utmost attention. But nah, I thought the book wasn't that good and would be easy to put down. But there I was at 2 am, having to force myself to let go of the book and sleep.

Since it was the first time I will be working with the organizers of the activity, I was eager to make a good impression. That, and the fact that I promise myself to be as prompt as I could with everything else, finally noticing how procastinating for just one day would result in nothing but having my work load pile up -- something very hazardous to my health and my peace of mind :p

So there I was, in my panic, and probably still feeling very sleepy, I got confused with the time and ended up an hour early for the activity. Well, for me, that's indeed a record breaker hehehe

Anyway, it was an important activity that required me to have the outputs sent out also this evening. so while I was looking forward to going to bed real early, here I am, forced to work through half-open lids just to finish the outputs and try to make sense of them at the same time without dozing my head off.

To make things worse, just as when I was emailing the report, there goes the net, playing tricks on me. It took me ages till I was finally able to attach the report to the email. I had to repeatedly disconnect and reconnect to the net bah!

Anyway, time to sleep for me. The book still beckons, after all hehehe

Kung Hei Fat Choy

I just came in from an evening out with the girlfriends (Jeni, Kendi and Rochelle). Got intrigued ever since I heard from the local news that the city is closing out the main street of China Town in celebration of the Chinese New Year. The news said that the main street would be transformed into a night market of sorts. Imagine that :) And so, we checked it out :)

It was fun. There were street wares everywhere from ukay2x to kwek2x stalls. Of course there were also stalls selling Tikoy and all sorts of lucky charms. Even the electronic stores were open.

At one point, we came across old classmates from college. It was fun seeing them as well. Ironically though, we capped the night by having some fries at McDonalds hehehe Some Chinese Newy Year we're having. Actually, in our search for food, we came across this tiny Chinese Restaurant. It was really, traditionally Chinese, the kind you would find in an out of the way street in Hong Kong.

Upon entering the restaurant, you could see pile upon pile of tikoy boxes or some other boxes with Chinese Characters on them. Just like any typical Chinese resto, the kitchen is open, with a large glass window at one side allowing street passers a peek at what is going on inside.

I readily noticed the stack of meat and some innards placed on steel colanders on top of the kitchen counter. I immediately wondered if there is something we could eat in the resto. Jeni and I are vegetarians after all.

I noticed that there are just two tables on the ground floor and one has some ingredients of sorts on it. The waiter pointed us to the second floor and told us there are more tables upstairs. The steps were narrow and Candy jokingly asked if it would be able to hold her weight. I took one step, noticed how it groaned under my weight, and wondered myself. It was made of steel though, so I was confident it would hold up.

On our way up, I felt queasy noticing that next to the stairs are some pipes protruding from the wall. They were large enough to tell me they are not water pipes. There were around 4 tables on the second floor. Two were held jointly and were occupied by a group of men. One table, by a Chinese family. It took a while before the lone waitress managed to come to us and get our orders. It was nice being able to finally sit though. It was only after we've seated that I noticed how tired I was. We had probably walked and stood for two hours on the street, checking out wares that held our fancy. Anyway, while the waitress pointed out they had some egg soup sans the meat, I voiced out my concern that I am not quite comfortable where we are. As soon as I said those words, Jeni and the rest stood up also. So that is how we've ended up with McDonalds hehehe

On my way home, I noticed our car parked at the Shop so I got down and had Tatay take me home. I was not comfortable at the thought of going home alone. Come to think of it, I haven't done that in what... two years?! Hmmm... Anyway, I have just finished reading my supposedly horoscope for the year of the Ox. It turned out it's not a lucky year for me or of any of those born under the year of the Rabbit. Well, I wouldn't dwell much on that. I'll really just try to be good this year, continue being optimistic and I know everything will be alright. My God, after all, is a lot bigger than all sorts of horroscope ;) Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! I'm wishing everyone a really, good, prosperous year of the Ox ;)

All About Marriage

Pre-script: This was an entry written last July but was not published until now owing to the fact that it was unfinished then and got stuck with the hard disk of my former laptop that conked out on me some time ago. The laptop was in the shop for several months with the assurance from the technician that it is going to be fixed. But after several months of waiting, I got it back, unrepaired haaay :) Good thing I was able to access the files from the hard disk so here goes...

Bee and I have recently celebrated our third year anniversary. That was part of the reason for the Roxas-Boracay Trip – to celebrate my birthday, treat Mama and the olds and well, to celebrate our third year anniversary. Soon after that however, I had the miscarriage. In fact, we learned about the miscarriage right on the day we are celebrating our anniversary. And then, amidst all of that we again had one of those trying episodes in our marriage. Anyway, to cut the long story short, let’s just say he and I are again in the process of working on our marriage. Once again, we are giving it another try and looking at ways on how to make it work this time.

First and the most simple of these things, we did away with his moniker – “Bolo.” Undeniably, the name has a very violent connotation. While it may be true that whenever we call him that, there never really was any conscious desire in our part to influence him to become violent, it is also undeniable that words have certain energies. And while these connotations and energies do not manifest themselves physically, they stick to the unconscious, embed themselves in our subconscious and influence us in ways we are not totally aware of.

It takes several practices though. Until now, I still make the mistake and call him “Bolo.” His friends call him that and while he had told a few not to call him by that name, the name had stuck somewhat. But I am not focusing on that. I am appreciating the fact that we are now making progress where that is concerned. There are now a few persons close to us that really make the effort to dispel with the moniker.

Second, I tried to really make the conscious effort to step out of the situation whenever I sense he and I are getting into one of our arguments again. If before my tendency is to fight back and argue back, now I learned not to play along with his drama. I finally recognized those episodes for what they are. They are not about me. They are about Bee and his ghosts coming to haunt him. It’s him as a little child retaliating at the helplessness he finds himself in. If before I see it as an attack against me and thus feel the need to argue back and to set things right, now I see the situation for what it really is. And so, I made the conscious effort to really remove myself “emotionally” from the situation and to try to view it as objectively as I could.

The “operating premise” is – “At this given situation, here is a person that I love, getting caught up in a situation that is beyond himself, trying to battle past insecurities and hurts that had come to haunt him while being confronted by a “so-now” issue that had nothing to do entirely with that past.” Isn’t that always the case? Often our reactions to situations are often “twinned” with echoes from past hurts?

In Bee’s case, his issues had always concerned the family because of the unique household set-up that he grew up with. And so our very situation – as a married couple and as a family – is really the perfect arena wherein his angst and issues are being tested and brought to the surface. No wonder we always fight. Because, being in a household set-up, Bee is being brought back to his own angst. The situations and the issues we face everyday as a married couple and as a family might be reminiscent of “scenes from the past” that had provided him with so much hurt.

Other than that, given his family background, Bee is in no way equipped to deal with familial concerns. Theirs were a “dysfunctional” family, their set up was loose. And here he is, confronted with a wife who came from an entirely opposite experience who have her own set of expectations as to how a family should be. No wonder how even very early on, our marriage is beset with too much conflict. Partly because, it also took me a long time to realize all these things.

Marriage really is that – a union of individuals with different background, different set of experiences, different agenda and different expectations as to how a family should be.

Marriage then is more than just a union of two individuals but a union of ideals, of expectations, of habits, of conditioning, of notions about certain things… And so the “adjustment period” that every one refers to as the7-year inch (I would like to know who coined the term) is really the fine tuning of all of these things. Imagine that!

Holding the above premise close to my heart at all times is a reminder that Bee and I decided to get married because we felt this undeniable bond and connection. There simply is the love. It is unmistakable and undeniable. And this is glaringly clear every time we try to explore the possibility of living apart from each other. It is the same connection that brings us back together every time we would decide to just end everything and walk away. And so if such is the case, then he and I decided to try our best to make this “being together” really work and be a pleasant experience for both of us. Because, it is simply unacceptable that we are together because one of us carries the burden of trying to make things work. Why should it be just the burden of only one? Because one is more intelligent than the other? One is more insightful and so would only have to understand the shortcomings of the other? Hell no! :)

As “sweethearts” Bee and I have always treated our relationship as that of a team. At that time we had always been teammates – team mates during kayaking contests, teammates in adventure races and teammates in trying to make our relationship work. We were a team when we were seeing to the nitty-gritty details of our wedding. We took Lamaze classes because we decided that bringing Baby into this world should be a team effort.

Somewhere along the way we lost that. We lost that sense of “teamness.” We got so caught up with trying to adjust to each other living together, and trying to make things work. We lost sight of the values that used to cement our bond with each other. We got so caught up in our conflicts, in our hurts, in our disappointments, that we lost sight of the things that we have found “attractive” in each other before.

And that is something we are trying to bring back together – to focus on what is good in each other and to highlight that instead. Bolo is such a beautiful person really. Amidst all his scars he is a beautiful person inside. And I see that every time he and I would talk about the things we should do for the sake of the marriage and for the sake of Baby. Bee is a paradox really – wanting/ desiring some sense of permanence (something he never had while growing up) while at the same time resisting it because he is so used to having such a loose set-up while growing up. He is pulled from two opposite directions – (1) torn between wanting to recreate our family into something he had always wanted for himself; and (2) the pulls of the notions, definitions of “family” he grew up with.

I was about to write that we are very much still at an uphill but I refuse to treat our situation as such. It’s quite a challenge alright. Right now, I’m thinking, some kind of drama I chose for myself in this lifetime but for all I knew, this must have just been another chapter to a journey that was started several lifetimes ago…

I’m thinking, marriage is giving me several materials to write about. Reading my past entries on it and on our relationship sometimes amazes me with the amount of insight I am getting and at the same time, managing to pen down. Well, being in this drama has another fringe benefit after all -- besides molding my character and moving me towards the unfolding of my own truth. It is giving my brain some muscle exercise and turning me into a better writer hehe.

Remembering...

I remember this particular incident during my latest trip to Iloilo which I certainly found very funny and ironic. I have this tendency to treat life as one journey, littered now and then with funny and amusing incidents -- thrown to me by the fates or by my light-hearted, full of sense of humor, Father God. So what could be a sense of frustration by some people would be something really amusing for me. Oh I do have my moments, as well, where I get disappointed, frustrated and hurt. I am only human after all.

But having this healthy, light-hearted disposition in life is something that I hold close to my being, because, I feel closer to my God this way. Somehow having this demeanor only strengthens my faith and my belief that – (a) I have a relationship with my Father God; (b) that He is alive in me and working wonders in my life; (c) that He knows every minute detail of my soul, desires and wants; and (d) that by being so, every now and then he teases me with “magical,” amusing experiences, knowing full well I would see Him in them.

I am remembering all of these because I am currently plugged in to my head phones while working on a report. And a while back, a song that is a favorite from the past came full blast along with a memory of that Iloilo trip.

We had arrived very early in Iloilo City having caught the 6:30 am flight. We did not have breakfast yet but we headed straight to the bus terminal, hoping to catch the earliest bus leaving for Roxas City. I was intent about making a lead time. We still have a long trip ahead of us, after all. We intend to sleep at Boracay on that very same day.

Yeah, some kind of a travel companion I am, trying to squeeze in as many things as I could for every travel I took hehe Well, I just want to maximize time and resources -- seizing every moment. Besides, I also make sure that the quality of travel does not suffer thus the incredible amount of research I put into planning an entire travel IT hehe Sometimes I wonder if I should add this to my CV as one of my core competencies hehe Hmm.. maybe I should :)

Anyway, the very second my rear end connected to the seat of the bus, a very familiar music came blaring through the speakers of the bus – Christopher Cross’ “Swept Away.” I almost laughed out loud but stopped myself lest the others might begin to question my sanity hehe I was really so amused. I just shook my head and muttered, “God, really…” Well, it’s a theme song of sorts for a “used-to-be-significant-other’ hehehe That he is residing in Iloilo now and that I am at that very instant in Iloilo while listening to the very song was really too much of a coincidence.

I had closed that chapter of my life a long time ago and was not thinking of him at all while I was planning for the trip. Well, I must admit though that previous trips that work took me in Iloilo always had me edgy as I thought of the possibility of seeing him again. But that was a long, long time ago. And as I think about the whole thing now, I was really just infatuated with the idea of him and not of him as the real person. I hardly knew him after all. But the song was really a fitting theme song at that time. I still like the song when I hear it every now and then but the association with that particular experience is starting to fade.

It’s really just amazing how God could intervene with every minute detail of your life. I treated that Iloilo incident as one of His teasing forays. Indeed He knows me full well and I find great comfort in that. It is very comforting knowing that while I may get confused at times as to what I really want, I know He knows me better than I do. Knowing this and the fact that He actually is in control of my life reassures me. I know He knows even my deepest desire and wish and that I need not have to ask openly for them. I am in His hands, what could be more comforting than the thought of that? :)

Scare

Got a real scare today. Earlier this afternoon we had to rush Mama to the hospital. She collapsed while we were at the Shrine of the Holy Infant of Prague. Cebu was celebrating their Sinulog earlier in the day. Since we could not be there, we made up for it by going to the Shrine instead.

On our way there, we decided to drop by Bacaca to see if Mama Fely would be willing to join us. She was. We had to wait for a while for her though. That was already way beyond one o'clock in the afternoon and we haven't had lunch yet. We had a very late breakfast though and was not feeling any hunger yet.

While at the Shrine, it took us a while to finish the novena, light our candles and say our prayers. We were on our way back to where Mama was seated when Ms. Amparing who took the ride with us rushed to us to inform us that something happened to Mama. And there she was, utterly lifeless, white as a sheet. Looking at her, I felt my heart jumped to my throat. I feared the worst -- stroke.

Noticing her limp form, her seemingly distorted jaw-line, the fear I felt got worst. A thousand other things are running on my mind -- possibilities of Mama having a bad case of stroke and had to endure being tied to the bed.

She had our utmost attention. There were fellow church-goers who offered help. Somebody offered liniment, and someone was able to provide us a glass of hot water. I was so scared but was relaxed at the same time. I whispered soothing words to Mama telling her to relax. I repeatedly told her this and reassured her that we are doing everything to help her. I urged Tatay to get the car so we could take Mama to the hospital. Tatay took a while in coming back. It must have only been two minutes but to me it seemed like an eternity. Bee carried Mama all the way to the car, past the steps and the iron-wrought gates of the Shrine. I ran ahead of him with the car keys, so I could open the doors and fix the seats so Mama could recline comfortably.

Mama Fely and Mrs. Amparing took a while in joining us, probably with the old age and all. Tatay and I had been doing a lot of runs at the gym lately and being a lot younger, we managed to get everything settled at such a short time. And then, just as we were about to go, lo and behold, Janin cried asking her Lola Fely where she left Bolets because he was not with her. Imagine that!

I had to rush back inside the Shrine to look for him. He could be everywhere. I was not able to find him so I doubled back and asked if they have found him already. They said no so I had to run back again and retraced the places we have been to earlier. The panic and the crowd had me very confused. It was hard to keep track of all the kids there. I craned my ear for any sign of crying or any hint of "Nanay!" But every crying I heard were from babies, none of them my son. I was on my way back when I found him with Mama Fely. He was crying. Mama Fely informed me she found him walking towards the chapel from across the large expanse of the ground.

I deduce he must have walked towards the gate where the car was originally parked and retraced his steps when he found out the car was no longer there. (We were parked near the rear gate, farthest from the Chapel. When Mama collapsed, Bee had to drive all the way up to the entrance gate that was closest to the chapel.) I was so concerned with the time we've lost, Mama had to be rushed to the hospital after all. So while I was very worried about Baby and what happened to him, I knew that processing that particular experience would have to come later. Mama had to come first.

Bee and I were having a discussion as to which hospital is closest when Mama managed to speak and repeatedly say that she wanted to go straight home as she is feeling better. She said she just had a case of hyper-acidity and is starting to feel better. We had to argue with her telling her we could not take the risk with her history of hypertension. Why, on any given day, having a BP of 200++ over a hundred is somewhat "normal" for her already.

I asked her if she feel some numbness or distortion in the mouth and she said she does feel a bit numb in her limbs. That decided it for me. Her protests notwithstanding, we went straight to the hospital. Once there, I readily noticed that she had regained her color. Her lips are already turning red compared to its being as white as a sheet back at the church.

I'm not sure if it was just luck or our prayers. Remembering how Mama was at the church made me feel certain she really had a stroke. And she could have. And yet here she is feeling somewhat better. A bit weak yes, but definitely with some color now.

I do not dare think of what could have been's. I'm really just grateful that she was spared that. I could not imagine what being tied to the bed would do to her. And I can't bear the thought of losing her. There are still so many things I wanted to do for her and I wanted for her to experience. She had been through a lot. She had suffered several loses already with Papa and Nino... Plus she always have this pessimistic attitude over her person that I'm not convinced she had really been "very happy" for an extended period of time. I can't have her go that way. I want her to experience what it is to be truly happy, not having any worries of sorts.

Thank you God for turning what could have been the scariest point in my life into a point of salvation and gratitude. I know You again have worked Your wonders. What we had earlier was really a miracle. And I could not thank You well enough. Thank you for your faithfulness...

A Different Breed

Last January 3 I attended the internment of Tita Owa, Jeni's second mother and a well-respected former director of NEDA XI. A week before that we were at her wake and were amazed at the outpouring of sympathies shown the family through the flowers sent and the countless number of visitors who came to pay their respect.

The tags from the flowers indicated that they came from "big" personalities, key players who play equally big roles where development of the region and of Mindanao is concerned. Noting this observation, I remarked to Jeni that Tita Owa and Ate Ditdit -- who went before her (and the others whom I was not fortunate enough to have worked with) -- were really of a different breed. Their working style was different. Their love and passion for Mindanao and their role in it very much apparent. I guess it is the same passion and love that fuels the "working style" being displayed.

Working style. I think about my own working style, my inconsistencies at times -- displaying sheer brilliance and commitment now and then falling short of that in the next instant as I try to juggle being a "passionate" development worker, a mother of a three-year-old son, a wife, being the only daughter.. a niece of an ailing aunt... I remember my moments of "ineptness" (which does not occur often, I hope) and my excuses for them and think about how Tita Owa, Ate Ditdit, and the others like them, managed to do all these things all at once and still remained on the top of their form. I feel a bit of a shame at the thought.

Only a while back I put down the phone feeling utterly disappointed and a bit disgusted at being confronted by "ineptitude" in one of its rawest forms. It's a long story and I don't want to divulge the details but it entailed some "dishonoring" of commitments. It cost me much -- my time, opportunities I turned down, and well, income I have been counting much on. But that wasn't as nearly painful as the knowing that things are not as what they used to be, when integrity and commitment were upheld with the highest regard.

I am not saying I am better than they are. I too am guilty of ineptitude every now and then. And I could only speak for myself -- that every time this occurs, I am ridden with guilt, try my damnedest to pick up where I left off, and remind myself I am not just selling pancakes on the street but is playing an important role -- no matter how minute -- in this field called "development work."

I long for the day when work was tough but was very much rewarding, knowing full well you are making a kind of "contribution to life" somewhat. Now, I'm surprised to be working with some people who claim to be working for Mindanao but shows no "soul" or the "heart" for it. Again, I am not saying I am far better than they are. I have my own struggle with myself, as imperfect as I am.

I guess I really just miss the likes of 'Te Ditdit and Tita Owa who were awe-inspiring, whose display of commitment is a constant reminder to people like me that we ought to work harder, better and with utmost integrity because this kind of work that we do deserve no less than that.

I am still very much in an uphill where emulating their example is concerned. But I am comforted with the thought that I do not have to fill in their shoes (which were both big and noble) but should only be concerned with filling in mine. Being the best that I could be -- in what I do, in playing the role entrusted in my care, in fulfilling His plans and purpose for me -- is my primary task. And it's such a tall order already as it is... I am grateful for my mentors though -- eternally will be -- for their examples, for showing me how things ought to be done... May their souls be at peace...