Happy New Year! Happy 2016!

Here's sending out good cheers, well wishes, love and light and nothing but optimism as we usher in the new year. It's been an exhausting year and I had to face my most trying uphill yet. However, all the blessings, wonderful opportunities and surprises combined more than made up for it. Happy to again be placed in the position to contribute, give what I can and to have the strength to constantly come from the position of love, no matter the circumstances. Thank you, God!

Driving Home

As we drove home after he picked me up from attending former colleagues' party, Tatay turned to me and said, "This is what I missed the most, driving home with you." I did not tell him that every time I go out to field and had to sit in the front seat, I would often remember those many drives we shared.

You and I are on this journey together. Though it may take us apart at times, we are never really that far apart from each other, Tatay.

I Know

I was just about to fall asleep when Tatay rang me up in Skype. What followed was a good conversation like we used to have before. We've always enjoyed talking to each other. I would remember the time when he would be coming in from a trip and he would endlessly talk about the experience or something funny that took place.

We haven't had that for a while. Given the distance, the calls and conversations had mostly been about the kids, whether my statutory obligations have been taken cared of and in order. Yup, the usual domestic stuff. It's either those things or being extremely jealous over nothing. So yeah, it's definitely been a while.

Last night, we talked about a lot of things but what stuck me the most was that exchange we had about my going home and settling there for a while for the children's sake.  We were going through alternatives.  I said I could stay home and be with the kids for a significant time before considering any new engagements.  I told him he and I could tend his store and save on the overhead.  If he needed to go somewhere then I had to be there on my own and vice-versa.  Then he said, I could probably find work quickly and it could be something unrelated to what I'm currently doing.  And I started saying how "not any job" could cut it for me since making a contribution is very important for me. But he sheepishly smiled and said, "Lagi. (I know.)" even before I finished what I intended to say.

It was a one word retort but it spoke so much volume.  That, "I know" does not just pertain to his knowing what I was gonna say but that he knows me and the things I value.  To me that was very touching and reassuring.  There's nothing more "feel-goody" than knowing that your significant other gets you. How sad would that be if someone you love do not know the core of your being or who you are entirely? 

So, thank you Tatay for that "knowing."  It made me feel valued for who I really am.  It reassures me of the kind of partnership that we keep as well.  It would not have been a real relationship if it lacked that  kind of certainty.  I love you.

Remote Mothering (Being There and Defying the Distance)

I can't help but cry a little as I watch Rod's sleepy face through Skype.  I was able to talk to him early morning (foregoing sleep) for the traditional waking up and blowing of the cake.  But he was sleepy even then and had to rush for school so we did not have  a proper conversation.

Then in the middle of a meeting, Tatay sent me photos through viber, signaling that the family is celebrating.  I was dying to talk to them then but the discussion was critical :( By the time I was able to get through, Rod was no longer answering properly, probably getting ready to sleep already.  After a while, Tatay called through Skype and my heart sank noting the "dark" background.  It meant the lights in the bedroom are off.  The kids are asleep.

Good thing they were just about to fall asleep.  Forest was wide awake and was even chatty, saying repeatedly, "Sleepy ang birthday boy, Nanay!" :) She was so cute.

Rod was already dozing off when Tatay brought the camera to his face :P  I engaged him in a conversation and that is when I cried.  I asked him about his birthday and how his day was.  When I asked him if there was a cake, Forest quipped, "Pizza!"  (Rod wanted it so).  When I asked what the flavor was, Rod replied it was pepperoni and I was like, "It's meat!" Rod's retort was really funny -- "It was the only thing that was buy-one-take-one." Hahaha! Stringy Tatay huh?

The best thing about today though was that Rod woke up when I asked him if we could pray together for his birthday.  We prayed for the usual, that he grow up to be really kind-hearted and be able to make a contribution in his own, little way.  We pray that he be guided towards the direction of his dreams and that they all come true.  We prayed that he be gifted with mentors and quality friendships.  I'm lucky enough in that aspect and I'm wishing the same thing for the children.  I can see that Rod appreciated the whole thing and I draw comfort in that.

All in all, Rod's birthday is simple.  There was no big party.  But I certainly went overboard this year, sharing old blogs as the day neared.  The funny thing was that Tatay had to point out to me that he and Rod actually find it tiring to read through all of my musings. So the "sentimental" in me had to step aside to choose blogs that are short and with photos.  Better that than having them going through the motion of conversation in a forced manner.  It was supposed to be a joyful sharing, not a burden.  I know in time, Rod would be able to appreciate the long letters and entries next time...

So yeah, the lengths that I have to go through just to defy the fact that we are apart.  I know there is nothing I can do about the physical distance but I've tried in the past -- and there is always a way -- to move mountains just to make the children feel that I am still "there."  "Being there" is something I would always work hard at establishing.  I know full well that nothing could compensate for the physical presence, to be able to give an actual hug, a kiss... But given the situation, there is nothing I can do about that but I could definitely find creative ways to demonstrate that yes, Nanay is still there for them, in more ways than one.  That, and to be able to show them clearly just how much I love them and how much they mean to me.  But yeah, soon for the real, warm hugs... I love you so much, Rod.

T stands for Tatay Teammate

I watched amused as Tatay read the letter I had written for Rod when I was pregnant with him. I knew it was long and I was pretty sure Tatay would not have the patience to see it through till the end.

True enough, after a mouthful of somewhat difficult English words, Tatay's brow came together and then he said, "Ayaw taasa kaayo, Nay! (Don't make it too long, Nanay!) I almost laughed out loud. Instead, I retorted in an affirming tone, " Yeah, I know. But that's how that is since it was heartfelt." I did agree about looking for a shorter post and made a mental note.

But yeah, I appreciate the fact that Tatay is again one with me on this. On our second day, he was even the one urging me to share the day's installment so that he and Rod can read it when they arrive at home later that day.

Thank you, Tatay for recognizing the importance of this little project.  It comforts me no end knowing that you also value nurturing our relationship with the children. Know that you made me truly happy. Salamat.

100 Hair Strokes

Forest and I had a quick skype call, today.  They had been trying to reach me since at around 5 PM their time.  That would be 12 noon, my time.  I was, however, sound asleep.  I think, several weeks of working non-stop, sleeping really late and having no weekend has finally taken it's toll.  After cooking and having breakfast, I felt sleepy and so I decided to just laze it a bit and went to bed.  I must have dozed off.  Waking up later at 3 PM, I realised I've slept soundly for 6 hours! (This explains why I'm still wide awake till now :P)

I quickly called them back and Tatay's curt opening was, "Asa diay ka?! (Where have you been?)"  He sounded a bit irritated and a tad suspicious :P  So I told them I fell asleep.  He urged me to go back to sleep but I heard Forest's cute, little voice in the background.  

They were already preparing to sleep as it was already 8 PM, their time.  Forest has just finished taking a bath and her hair was at a disaray.  I pointed it out to her and asked if nobody has taken my place to comb her hair 100 times at night.  Her quick reply, "Na-miss ko na nga, Nay.  Nakaiyak nga ako, naalala ko wala na nagasuklay ng buhok ko! (I miss those moments, Nanay.  I remembered it the other day and I cried!)"

What can I say to that?  I told her I missed those moments too and that I'm looking forward to doing that again when I get back home.

I miss you, Baby Forest.  Nanay can't wait so I can enjoy your hugs and kisses again.  While we exchange a lot of those through our skype calls, I know they could never compensate for the real thing.  I love you!

To My Daughter by Heart, Janin

It seems only yesterday when you came so suddenly in our lives.  You were a welcome joy though, the new baby in the family after having Ate Lian fully grown up and leaving for the UK.  You made my being a Tita finally official, being my only brother’s daughter. 

Like a typical, doting Tita, I bought you and bombarded your days and nights with Mozart’s and classical music for babies.  (Maybe that was also the reason why you have such a distinct, sizeable, heart-shaped head hehehe)  You were such a cute, hair-less baby that it was such a delight to buy you clothes (Mama Gaga, Ate Lian, Ate Tunga and Lola Linda did the same).  You have become Nanay’s little doll.  Sorry for that one, especially for taking such a long time to notice that you absolutely abhorred putting on cutesy, little, frilly dresses and blouse. 

Today, you’re turning 13, a full-fledged little woman.  If you notice, I refuse to call you a little “lady” because of the many connotations that go along with the term.  And Nanay has caught on by now, enough to know that using the word to describe you would be like referring to a different person altogether.  The term does not fully capture your spirit, your spunk, your strength that you so carefully hide under that quiet demeanor.  But Nanay has taken notice, Anak.  I see your strength and long so much to see you yield it. 

I know Nanay has not always been there but I would like to reiterate with you today what you, Forest and Rod often talk about – Rod burst out and came to me the most natural way; Forest sprung out through a huge CS-section through my tummy; but you came into my life through my heart.  There you have stayed since. 

I know that Nanay might seem so strict with you before.  While not wanting to make excuses, you came at a time when Nanay was a bit young and so full of ideals about things.  At that time, Nanay did not have the benefit yet from the lessons and joys learned brought about by mothering my own offspring – Rod and eventually Forest. Nanay had learned so much since then and hopefully, had adjusted accordingly. 

Know that Nanay loves  you very much.  My strictness might be borne out of the wrong assumption that you are your father’s extension.  I love you father so much, Anak.  I miss him everday.  He was the only brother I had and having him taken away so early has brought on a void that I had unconsciously thought you could fill.  But Nanay is more aware now and recognizes full well that you are your own person.

You are now officially a teen.  Recalling my own, I know it could be a stage that could be quite confusing and exciting (Nanay wants to use the word, “exhilarating” but you might find it puzzling.  Look it up at the dictionary though.  Or should I say, “google it”?) at the same time.  It’s a time when you would be struggling to find your own person, your own style.  It’s a time when 10 or more so years down the line you would grimace at the pictures of you shown in “baduy” outfits or things you would never be caught dead again wearing. 

But guess what?  I would advise you to embrace such “kabaduyan” or awkwardness.  Experiment with clothes. Wear whatever you feel like wearing.  Do not worry about what other people would think or measure up your own fashion sense to other people’s standards.  I know you go to a Catholic school (and from my own experience the Sisters might frown on this but go ahead anyway) but yeah, experiment with different ways of wearing your hair.  I know for now you insist on keeping it long.  Should you, however, feel like wanting to chop them all off, wear curls, or have a shaved nape underneath those long tresses, go ahead! Nanay will support you on that one (and even argue with Lola if I have to! Hehehe)

What I’m trying to really say, Anak is that how you look does not make your person.  It’s what is inside that truly matters and where you should spend more energy and time on.  I’m also saying that teenage years could be confusing and you’d be struggling with trying to define who you really are as a person.  Well, I’ve got news for you, that would never stop – that finding who you are.  That is a never ending process as long as you live and no matter how old you get.  So yeah, it’s okay to try on things but yeah within reasonable limits. BE CAREFUL NOT TO DO THINGS THAT LEADS TO LASTING CONSEQUENCES.  Do not trade momentary “joys” for a lifetime of regrets.  At your age, telling which is which could really be difficult.

Always pray so that you would always be mindful of God’s guidance.  And always talk to Nanay, Lola and Tatay to ask our opinion on things you’re trying to figure out for yourself.  Each of us might tell you different things and truths.  Take each one, and listen closely which tugs at your heart the most. 

It is Nanay’s wish that you would live up to your truth, Anak.  This sentence could be quite confusing for now but Nanay is always here to always talk to you about that one.  I could not and never wish to dictate you on how you ought to live your life but since I’ve been a teenager once, have and is struggling through adulthood, I could impart lessons and share with you things to help you avoid unnecessary pains.  But yeah, Nanay’s truth could be very far from your own.  Your life’s journey could be very different from mine.  But, Nanay (and Lola Linda and Lola Fely and Tatay and Mama Gaga, Ate Tunga, Ate Lian and the rest of the family for that matter) is here to hold your hand, back you up all throughout.  Your Papa might not be here anymore but his love for you shines and expresses itself through all of us.  Know that you are loved very much. 

I love you very much.  Happy, happy birthday.  Let’s have this conversation real soon when I’m back home.  Enjoy your day! 

Ageing Gracefully

Dear 30 year-old, don't sweat out the small stuff. Listen and be respectful of what others have to say but stick to your own values. You don't have to please everyone so don't go through lengths -- at the expense of having to compromise your own happiness and sense of self -- just so you can earn the "approval" of some people who do not care about you at all.

Value family. And I could not stress this enough.

Invest in yourself -- pursue your passion, have hobbies, travel, read more, learn more... Try your best to always be coming from the perspective of love. It's quite daunting but still try anyway. And this includes loving YOURSELF. You cannot give what you do not have.

And yeah, life is a process of learning, unlearning, relearning... So don't be afraid to make mistakes or change your mind... Just live. Take it a day at a time and enjoy your own "unfolding."

Love, a 40 year old...

Soon

It's a certain longing, a certain yearning that fills my heart when we're apart;
It's that smile and laughter that readily springs when we talk;
It's that lightness that fills me at the very thought of you;
It's the wanting to have your name escape my lips in every five sentences or so;
Its the overwhelming desire to share everything with you;
A thought, a line, an experience, a moment;
It's the wanting to touch, to reconnect, to intertwine in time;
I don't ask for much (though how I long for so much more);
I just want to be at the receiving end of the love reflected in your eyes...

Little Things

I remember having to stiffle a groan (sometimes I couldn't even help  myself) every time Forest would say, as an after thought, that she would need her bottle after all.  This would be just after we've washed up, said our prayers and finished reading a bedtime story.  This would be right around the time when we're just about to sleep and my body settling down for the much needed break.

Yet now, here I am - wishing I'm back home and making Forest her dede. Sigh, this is tough. 

God, grant me the grace to bear this cross. Hold me and my lovedones close to Your heart. Keep us all safe and protect us from temptation. I miss my little ones.

Safety Issues

The other day, we had a bit of plastic balloon day. It was brief since I spent the morning in the office.

Tonight, Rod and I had an interesting conversation. He "scolded" me for not being mindful about the bedroom's lock. 

A few week's back, Tatay had to destroy it since Forest got locked up inside while sleeping. We haven't found the time to replace it yet. Since Tatay is out for the night, the role of "man of the house" got delegated to him once again. And he takes that role very seriously. He double-checked all locks and thus lamented the fact we don't have one for the bedroom. When I told him I was not able to prioritize it because I recently got hospitalized and then there's the ongoing construction of our dining room extension, he wailed, "But what is more important, a beautiful house or our own safety?!" Huh! Where is that coming from? :p

Little Chefs

Yesterday was their third day for the Kiddie Crew workshop.  When we took them there, they told us they are making cheese burgers that day.  Little did I know that they will be provided with chef's hats and aprons.  Since I will be at work, I asked Ate Janin to take photos when they could.  It was a good thing because they all looked cute with their hats and aprons :)

Summer Workshop 2015

Today, the kids had their first day for their summer McDo Kiddie Crew workshop.  It’s the second time for Janin and Rod but truly a first for Forest. 

 It was amusing to note that Forest barely made it past the counter top at the receiving area of the store but she sure did look adorable.  The parents there had a fun time taking pictures and I was one of them.

Chona and Mamay dropped by to catch up with me and my plans about leaving.  It was a good time altogether.

Other photos:

Pain

Softly hums
Intensifies
Tears insides apart

Reasons
Holds on to faith
Hope springs anew

Pain abates
Yet never departs
It's a constant ache

Leaving heart tender
Bruised
Scarred

Dora

And so I had my haircut.  Got varied reactions. The conversation in the car after picking me up from the parlor:

Tatay took one look and told me I cut it a tad too short and not to do it again
Rod: Hello, Dora.  (Bwahahaha) Oo nga, Nay.  Di masyado maganda.
Forest: Di gud, Nay. Bagay sa yo.  Maganda ka!
Rod: Well, boys kami ni Tatay so...

And I was like, "So that makes it more valid?" :P

A year ago today: Rod's First Overnight

Am having some slight separation anxiety. Left Rod in school for an overnight activity. Our family's first. I lingered for quite some time, wanting to make sure he is fine.

He was like, "Bye, Nay! Why are you still here? See you tomorrow!" I think he repeatedly said goodbye 5 times, sort of pushing me away. But he did give me a few lingering hugs as well. Sigh! Enjoy your stargazing activity, Rod. Enjoy the moon too!