Like Easing into a New Pair of Shoes

I’m in a new role (workwise) and quite frankly, I’ve had had bouts of self-doubt – Can I do this?  Can I do justice to this role? Am I ready to take this on? What about the role requirement that takes me out of my comfort zone – reaching out to others… Having to voice my opinions. 

I do voice my opinion, especially on things I feel so strongly about.  It’s having this feeling that I have to say my piece on everything we need to review and comment on that is something that makes me a bit uncomfortable.  I am always the type who chooses one’s battles.  If I see it as something that does not need underlining anyway then I just let the others do the talking.  There is always that someone in the room who loves to talk and comment and point out faults and what-not’s.  That’s not me.  Of late though, I feel pressured (perhaps just self-imposed?) to say something each and every time. 

Now that I think about it, perhaps, I am more of “hmm-there-is-something-wrong-how-can-I-help-change-that” or “what-can-I-do” type of person.  I prefer to just delve right in and see what I can help with to assuage the situation.  Looking back, I’ve always been that one who immediately rolls up one’s sleeves and go right into work.  I’m not saying there is something wrong with the person who loves to talk and discuss issues out in the open.  To me, each of us has a role to fill in, in this big drama called “Life.”  And ever since I’ve “adulted,” I’ve grown more tolerant of others and more cognizant of each of our “gift” into the world.

Imagine having a team composed of people who are exactly alike.  Like me, for instance who prefer to just sit back and let the more agitated ones do the talking.  Then we would all sit on an issue and trust the universe will do its bit to make it better.  Or, to slowly go our own way doing every bit we can and ending up duplicating our efforts.  The value of having someone who speaks out loud and agitate is that it forces people to discuss. This leads to being able to openly identify course of actions. Although yes, often, all this “agitation” can lead to hurt feelings (ego is more like it) and conflict, etc. etc.

So anyway, as I’m saying, I’m in this new role and is having these episodes of self-imposed pressure. It’s pretty much like being friends for a long time and then deciding to become boyfriend-girlfriend.  There was no pressure being friends. You get along just fine and actually enjoy each other’s company. It’s when you take a step further when everything goes awry. 

One begins to think, “Now what? As my boyfriend, he should be more this, more that…. Do this, do that… Be this, be that… to me as his girlfriend.”  When one becomes the girlfriend, the once spontaneous getting together becomes more strained.  “What should I wear? How should I greet him when I see him? How should I be around him?” These things we never even bother about in the past but just because of this new “role,” we have certain expectations and begin to have certain uncertainties.

I feel I’m in the same predicament as of the moment. The previous role, I can do even with my eyes closed.  Everyone knows it too.  In this new role though, I have certain assumptions as to how I should act and be.  And it is not easy.  I have to remind myself several times that those in the team with me are so busy (just as I am) that they do not have time to think about my self-thought inadequacies. I have to remind myself that we are not in competition with each other because each of us has our own niche. I have to remind myself that perhaps, for all I know, they could be rooting for me to succeed in my role. 

I’m on my first deployment now in my new role. And I’m doing just fine.  Grateful for that.  It’s doing something that I know so well again.  

I am now allowing myself to breathe, hoping that everything would be just fine.I know I’ll find my stride yet again in this new role. So help me, God.