So I couldn't again resist buying Forest an African dress at the Malawi airpot this morning. In the three months that I was home before this deployment, /we were always fighting over her bursting closet (and toys and stuff that is all over the house but that is another matter). She simply has a lot of clothes. And they are in these categories -- (a) clothes that is her current size and is currently wearing; (b) clothes she has outgrown and are too small for her; (c) clothes that she is about to outgrow and are a bit tight and uncomfortable to wear already; (d) some hand-me-downs from Ate Tunga, Ate Badak and Ate Nico that are still a bit large for her.
I've been wanting her to give away those (b) and (c) because even her (a) clothes are simply far too many. She holds on to the former two however with so much fervor and kept telling me, "Nanay, I'm not yet ready to give them away." She would even quote her Tita Jeni saying, "Sabi ni Tita Jeni, ibigay ko lang daw ang mga damit ko pag ready na ako." Hah!
Some of those (b) clothes though are those that Lola bought. I totally understand and honor her feelings of wanting to keep them. There are, however, a lot of those also that are simply too little for her. For (c) clothes, we've compromised that she wears them often these days as her way of getting ready to say goodbye to them. We agreed she would wear them once or twice as a way of saying goodbye and then we give them away. At times she would relent. Almost always though she does not like to wear them and would say she wanted to wear something "comfortable" and loose. And the old argument would start again with me insisting again that she gives away those clothes already!
This morning though while shopping I remember a particular incident before I left for this deployment. Forest came to me and shared that a classmate told her she is "paarte" wearing trendy clothes in school. She shared further how she replied that she is only wearing the clothes I buy her from my travels because she doesn't want them to go to waste.
I was left speechless. I did not know want to say. Even as a little child, Forest already loves to dress up. Sure, we are the ones buying her dresses. Everyone in the family is just too excited to have again a baby girl after a long while that we went quite overboard with the clothes. They are not often expensive but a lot of them are cute ones. I guess, it's like having a live Barbie doll in our midst. But even as a little child, she would choose what to wear by herself. She loves changing too. She simply loves clothes, period. Year after year, she has her own taste in clothes. And on certain days, she likes wearing particularl type of clothes -- skirt over leggings... stockings with her Sunday dress... etc. etc.
My first impulse was to tell her to yes, indeed, she needed to tone down her dressing up when she goes to school. She does not want to be too flashy. But then, I caught myself. I paused and thought if that was the right thing to say. I thought how Forest's clothes for school are not really flashy and not appropriate. In fact, those that I buy for her are just good cotton clothes. Loose ones that would be quite useful for her activities in school. Some though really just stood out because of the prints.
I'm thinking now, should I just let her wear plain, "color-of-the-day"t-shirt and pants? She has plenty of those too. But often, when deciding what to wear for school she would reach out to the cotton dresses and bottoms I bought for her. She likes them because they are comfortable and give her enough room for movement. Also, I'm thinking, what message am I sending to her by asking her to tone down her choices just because someone called her out? If I do so, is that also tantamount to "putting out her fire?" To not honor that part of her who knows exactly what she wants to wear just because we are too concerned of what other people feel and think?
There are already instances that I did just that -- asking her if she would pair a dress with sneakers instead of the Sunday shoes she is thinking of pairing it with. This, in an attempt to make it less party-like and more school appropriate. Or, to wear her rugged, cargo pants instead of her choice of skirt over a pair of leggings. And for what? Because I don't want her to stand out far too much while in school. But those are her preferrences and I'm telling her not to just because.
Sure, I would draw the line if Forest would wear something inappropriate like something far too sexy to be age appropriate. But that's just the thing. Forest herself do not like showing skin. She does not like for her knees to show thus she found a way to still wear the skirts she loves by pairing them with leggings.
So there I was at that time telling her exactly how I felt-- "I don't know what to say, Forest." On the one hand, I want to give her freehand at defining who she is, what she likes, doesn't like. I would never want to commit the mistake of shaping her into someone who would limit her choices because of what other people think. I want her to embrace herself, love herself for who she is. I wouldn't want her to think I want her to be a version of a person that is "acceptable" to everyone. That would be like saying I don't love her for who she is. Arrrgh! To overthink no?
I thought I've already laid dow this overthinking tendencies to rest. Come to think of it, I have, when it comes to making my own choices. I don't really overthink that much anymore. I let life and God be. But I guess, when it comes to my children, I still do because I would always want what's best for them.
So what to say when Forest would again share with me a similar incident? I still don't have the answers. For now, I'm more leaning towards letting her be as long as she is not hurting anyone or is not short-changing herself. I'm thinking now, we can't always help what other children would think or would say to her. I don't want her to feel guilty for her personal choices. It's like being sorry for being who she is. I would never want that for Forest! Or all my children! And as she relayed, she is finding her own words on what to say during such situations. And I think, in a way, that is a mini-course right there for her; something that would prepare her as an adult when the time comes. There would always be someone who would dislike her and her choices. There would always be that instance when her choices would not sit well with others. Nanay would not always be there to coach her in how to handle those things.
Baba God, help and show me the way!
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