On Drama and Loving Better

Just came in from a meeting. Feeling really tired and lethargic at the moment. It must have been the heat outside or it could be that I woke up real early just to make it to the 8:00 a.m. appointment. Having to nurse the baby meant some waking hours in the middle of the night. While this is not as tiring as preparing a formula, it still means a few hours off my sleep. That is why I usually take advantage of a few hours in the morning before I wake up to mind baby RL again and prepare for work... This morning, I had to be up and about real early so I wouldn't be late for the meeting. It did not help that the venue for the meeting is at the other side of the city huhuhu :(

I'm sharing below a journal entry I had last December... thought it worth-sharing so here goes...

December 19, 2005
11:50 P.M.
Living Room


Bolo is out-of-town. He’s in Gen. San to attend the 11th Mindanao Forum. Since last year, when it was determined in Gingoog that this year’s Forum will be held in Gen. San, he had really been excited about attending. I wasn’t that thrilled since I had attended a previous (my first, in fact) Mindanao Forum in Gen. San.

Hmm… I was about to say that it was tough not having him around today. It wasn’t really. Well, I had to do away with my afternoon nap but even with him around, I rarely did nap in the afternoon.

Funny, but how “inclined” I am to “believe” that he had given me such a hard time by wanting to be at a forum instead of sticking around to help me take care of our little one. Now I wonder why is that? Hmm… another one of my drama’s. And come to think of it, it’s not a good “inclination” to have really. Or a good drama to keep either. After all, what do I want to achieve by entertaining such thoughts? What is it that I want? For B to think that he really owed me big time by “deserting” me? That “poor me,” my husband wanted to have a few days off for himself after quite selflessly attending to my every need and whim?

As usual, B had been quite attentive ever since I gave birth. Oh, there were very few instances when he’d flit off somewhere and spend some time with his friends but for the most part, he had played a good part of being my dear and faithful “servant.” He cooks for me, “feed” me, attends to the laundry, pays my credit card bills… He had been everything to me. But the most significant of all, he had been quite a doting father to our son.

So what business do I have to mope around just because he asked for a day off to be at the forum? Is it because I wanted to be there too? It’s not that really. Reflecting on the matter, it’s really just one of my drama’s. And being that, it’s not something that’s a “conscious” choice really. It’s more like an “automatic” tendency or as I aptly called it, “inclination.” And it’s quite easy to drown in one’s drama’s. If kept unchecked, it would be quite easy to have them rule one’s life. And how sad if that would be the case. That would be like living a life in a half-asleep, half-awake fashion. I’m not even sure if there is something “awake” about being ruled by one’s drama. In all likelihood, it would be like living a life in a “senseless” fashion where momentary whims and tendencies rule you. I wouldn’t want that for myself. I would rather live my life in a self-possessed, more conscious manner where my intentions and directions are clear. But yeah, this is easier said than done. But then again, if I could check myself, my thoughts and intentions as I have done here, then maybe, just maybe, I may not be that quite off the mark.

So B, difficult as it is, I really hope you are enjoying yourself at the forum’s socials tonight. You don’t know how difficult it is for me to let you go today. I’ve been half-wishing the whole time yesterday that something would go wrong about your arrangements and then you won’t be able to go. But there I was at five o’ clock this morning, coaxing you awake, fearing you would be late with your agreement to meet with Rey. While I was watching you sleep and looking at the watch at the same time, I was quite tempted to just let you sleep so you would be late for your appointment. Waking you up meant I recognize your need to have your own space too. I know I would want the same thing for myself – my own space where I could get to do my own thing apart from this partnership that we have. It meant that I acknowledge our being individuals. But believe me B, it wasn’t that easy to do. I have long been governed by my drama and sometimes, given in to its whim is a lot easier than challenging it. It’s easier to be my old self than to change for another person’s benefit. But I guess I have grown over the years, or perhaps I have really just learned how to love better...