To Love and To Hold

He looked at me and said he pitied me, thinking how I just sat there for several hours waiting till he got back from Mintal. He said because of him I had to endure all of it. He said it was his problem and yet there I was being dragged along in the process. Without waiting for me to say anything he concluded his soliloquy by looking at me absent-mindedly (but with obvious gratitude) and muttered, “Asawa nga kita. (You are my wife indeed) I have chosen well.”

His mother died last night. And it was only this morning that he knew. I had been at the office. I left my cell phone at home and so I texted him via chikka. I told him to check my phone for important messages and that I would be going home shortly in time to nurse baby. He replied that I would have to get home early since his “real” mom died and that he’s going to where she is. I read the message thrice, still its meaning hardly registered. My mind seemed to have remained blank. It could hardly absorb what the message meant. Then as if cold water was being poured over me, I hastily made arrangements to leave. I asked permission for an emergency leave, shut down my computer and left the office. I was intent on getting as fast as I can to B’s side. I know how he’s feeling and I wanted to be there while his going through all of it.

Wife. It wasn’t my being his wife that urged me to be by his side. I did not see it in the light that I had to be with him because it is my obligation as his wife. I wanted to be there, wanted to hold his hand while he goes through this sad experience because I love him, because I feel for him, because I want him to feel that he is not alone in his grief.

When I walked inside our room, I immediately noticed his reddened eyes though he was already playing with baby by then. Tears came readily to me. Before I knew it, I was already crying along with him. At one point I was wishing I could take his grief as my own.

His is a complicated family set-up. I am remembering now how that’s the very thing that brought us together. When I met Bolo I immediately sensed a sad, in-need-of-love kid underneath his jovial exterior. Anyone looking at him would readily wish he has Bolo’s carefree attitude. He’s so full of fun and life. And yet, when I looked at him for the first time, I felt different. I felt as if I wanted to hold him, hug him. I sensed a certain sadness around him that tugs at my heartstrings.

I’m remembering that one time while Melai and I had been in the Ateneo chapel to attend our usual afternoon Mass. She was giving me advice as to really think about being close to B. She pointed out our differences and one of them being his “household set-up.” She had meant well. I still remember how I replied to her then. I told her that’s the very reason why I wanted to be there for him. I told her quite naively that I just wanted to show him what it’s like to be really loved. I told her I have so much love to give and I wanted to fill him where his cup is empty, or words to that effect.

I had never intended that he and I end as sweethearts much less ever expected that he and I end up as husband and wife. I only wanted for us to be friends. There is something about him that tugs at me, something I could not totally explain.

I find it a bit weird remembering that moment with Melai. I’m wondering now how I could have felt that way then. But indeed, that’s how I felt then. On those days, I just felt that B needed some nurturing and that I was quite willing to give it. It’s weird really since even as I felt it then, I really had no idea how I was supposed to do that. I did not even think about it at all. And here I am now doing exactly that – loving him, nurturing him.

Ours is not a perfect relationship. In fact, we fight ever so often. There are even times when our arguments turn ugly. And yet, there is something about our partnership that convinces me time and again that everything is as it should be. There he is now sleeping peacefully at my side while I’m clicking away at this keyboard and I couldn’t help but feel relieved that he was able to take a momentary respite from the grief he’s feeling. There’s just something about us that I couldn’t quite point a finger to. I guess it’s the love… genuine and heartfelt. And such love manifests itself in our dealings with each other. While our differences sometimes boil down to a conflict of some sort, we have our love for each other as our saving grace.

I grew fearful all of a sudden, wondering if we would still be feeling the same way years down the line… Yet who cares? No sense being fearful of what is yet to come. What’s important is that we are loving each other now as well as we could, while we still can. What’s important is that now, we are being the best that we could be to each other, as individuals and as part of this partnership we’re having… I love you B and I’m one with you in your grief.