As I made my way through the aisles of the department store, I was fighting hard not to let the tears fall. The mall had just opened and we were among the first customers for that day.
We were shopping for Niño. We were buying his barong, his slacks and his undergarments. As we leafed through the barongs on the rack, I felt the tears run down my face. We were very careful in our choosing. We wanted nothing but the best for him. After all, that would be the very last we would shop for him...
I remember the last time we went shopping together, it was with Mama. We were buying him jeans. He was always picky with his stuff, particularly when it comes to clothes. So it took a while before he decided on what to buy. He wanted a more pricey one but I lectured him on the value of money…
I’m not much into shopping although once in a blue moon the mood would hit me and I would splurge. But that comes rarely and most of the time I splurge more on books than clothes…
Buying things for my loved ones though, that’s an entirely different thing. That’s when I truly enjoy shopping. It gives me so much joy getting into the shoes of those I love and hunt for things that I know they would very much like to have. Christmas, birthdays… they’re shopping feasts for me.
And Niño is among those whom I love buying stuff for the most. He is after all my only sibling, our youngest… In a way, he will always be a baby brother to me. It’s so easy to buy stuff for him as he has little wants. Also, I particularly like shopping for him because he does not make a habit of asking for stuff. He was picky with clothes though and in a way is brand conscious but he would never turn down something that is given to him. But I think, I like buying him stuff simply because he would smile at me every time I give him something. His whole face would lit up, making it obvious that he was really pleased to have been remembered.
Recalling all that now brings me so much pain. Because, I would never experience that again with him… How I miss my little brother… I miss him everyday these days. He and I are rarely together the past two years since we moved out of our Empress home. I already had Baby then and with our decision to breastfeed him for as long as possible, going all the way to Panacan during work lunch break and then back is virtually impossible. Thus the move. So Niño and I would only see each other every time we would visit there and for special occasions or on family outings.
Niño only has one passion – basketball. It was his life. He breathed and lived it everyday since he learned how to throw a ball into the ring… So sometimes, I would shop for some good basketball jerseys for him. The best I ever bought him was a Michael Jordan reversible. He also must love it since he wore it all the time, if he was not wearing his uniform jerseys, that is...
This year, as if we knew what is going to happen, Bolo and I always feel this urgency to give him something. During one of our visits at Empress, Bolo gave him his Sandugo slippers when he sensed Niño’s liking to it. When Mama informed us Niño wore it till it has holes, Bolo urged me to buy him a new one. At that time, we were on a budget. Baby’s immunization was due and it had always been quite costly. I hesitated about buying him the slippers. But I am thankful now that I gave in to Bolo’s urging.
Now, the slippers are at home. The pair was what he wore when we fetched him from Empress. Looking at them now, I am filled with a sense of gratitude. I felt thankful that in his last year, I was given a chance to pamper him a bit.
When we went home to Empress to get the necessary documents following his demise, Mama and I wept when we found the basketball shoes I bought him very neatly packed in its shoebox still…
It was a costly pair and it had cost me an arm and a leg. But at that time, Niño was just fresh from his separation with his wife. I knew it must have been such a painful episode for him given his background. Being adopted, I knew there is this longing for him to have a complete family of his own. Being jilted by his wife, I could only imagine how painful it must be for him. And so I was desperate to reach out to him and to show him that our love for him is enough to fill in the vacuum left by his irresponsible wife (Who showed up during the wake and the internment, btw, crying as if it is the end of the world. I’m sure she was feeling guilty and remorseful. But all that is too late now. She had caused my brother so much pain. She could not take all of that back.).
So, should Niño had asked me for the moon then, I knew I must have tried my best to be able to give him just that. I remembered Mama chiding me for spending such an exorbitant sum for just a pair of shoes but I shrugged at her. To me, it wasn’t the shoes I was paying for. I’m paying for the opportunity to be able to tell my brother I love him and that there are still a lot of people left in his life who loves him. And putting it that way, 4 thousand is way too cheap.
Recalling everything is breaking my heart to pieces. Until now, I still feel Papa’s loss. I still cry myself to sleep every time I remember him. The pain somehow is still fresh. So in Niño’s case, I knew I’m still in for a long haul… There will be tears alright… And I’m drawing my strength from God.
A friend chanced upon me at YM and expressed her concern over how I’m feeling. I remember telling her how everything I knew, the lessons I learned and the wisdom I always bring close to my heart flew out of the window when I sat there right smack in the middle of so much pain.
Oh, I’ve read enough books and taken more than enough lessons and have faith enough to know the afterlife is a lot kinder than our worldly life… But with my brother’s loss – who was only 26, still at the prime of his life and who still has a lot of issues to settle with himself and with his relationships with other people – I wallowed in uncertainty and confusion.
Oh, there was never a point wherein I questioned God and His wisdom in what happened. But I certainly found myself questioning if my brother would indeed experience peace in the after life…
I remember crying so hard one night while he was in the hospital. I was praying for his complete and speedy recovery. Seeing him in tubes, and lying seemingly lifeless in his hospital bed was a heart-wrenching experience. So I prayed hard, that he be spared from all of that and finally recover. I was begging for a miracle.
As if in response, the thought that my brother is suffering and will continue to suffer if his condition will be prolonged came to me as if in soft promptings. I cried harder after that. Because, suddenly, I don’t know what to pray for. Of course I don’t want my brother to suffer unnecessarily. But I thought about his issues. He still had too many unsettled issues. And God, he was still too young. What if his soul will not be able to find rest knowing he had still several scores to settle, that his daughter is still too young, and that he still wished to continue living his life?
These questions are what brought on the uncertainty I felt. For once, I questioned everything I knew about death and about the after life. Because, I want to be certain that by dying, my brother would be given a better deal… I want him to be in peace, and to cease suffering. He had such a difficult life. I want him to be given another chance to correct his mistakes and to rewrite the directions of his life. I want another shot at life for him so that it’ll finally be better and be more rewarding than what he had experienced in the past. I want nothing but the best for my brother. If I could have so much love for the other persons in my life, how much more so for a sibling? A family member?
Now, I’m praying that his soul rest in peace… I pray that God be with him now and that he be spared from unnecessary suffering in the after life. I think he suffered enough in this life time.
I love you so much, Nin. I just hope you know how much… Fare well, go in peace and don’t linger much in this worldly life… Don’t worry about your daughter or about us. If you worry because you were not able to tell us how you love us, don’t fret. Of course I knew you loved me. There’s this thing about family. One does not have to hear the words, it only has to be felt. And I felt your love for me and for Mama… so fare well my little brother… Go in peace…
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