Here's the continuation to the entry below. It is an almost blow-by-blow account of the "drama" Bolo and I participated in over the Holidays. It partly details the "argument" I mentioned in the previous entry...
When Bolo came home the day before (December 31st) without the crabs, I was fine with it. But when he started showing me the shorts and excitedly telling me he's going to give one to that person and another one to that person, I felt somewhat neglected. Especially so when he told me he did not bother to go looking for crabs because his money would no longer be enough since he bought all those shorts first. Drama or not, I certainly felt "overlooked." And I sure did have a hard time swallowing it.
I pointed out to him, there were certainly some friends I wanted to buy gifts too at that time. But I prioritized him and family over them. I bought my present for him and family first. When my money would no longer be enough to buy those other persons gifts, I accepted that. I mean, my issue wasn't so much on the gift-giving. I do not begrudge him his generosity towards other people. I am generous, myself (it runs in the family:)). It's his "overlooking" me quite pointedly that was quite difficult to accept. I mean I wouldn't have minded if he handed me "white rabbit" as a token. He knew that. I take little pleasure on the monetary value of things. It was always the "thought" that ranks high with me.
This afternoon, I'm not sure if he was trying to appease me or to amuse me, but he excitedly showed me a pair of pants he bought me. Yeah, funny huh? I think he was really aiming to appease me since he tried to devalue his previous gesture to those "other" persons by coming up with a pair of "long pants" for me and not just "shorts." So it's like, "Look B, you're more important to me than them because I bought you long pants whereas I bought them only shorts!" Ingenious of Bolo, huh? :) Real funny too. I was actually amused by the whole thing but of course I did not show him that hehehe Feeding my drama, I took one look at the pants and told him it would not fit me. His face sort of fell the next instant, I was kicking myself for being so ruthless. But I must admit I was more high on my drama than in my remorse hehehe
But he was really trying to make it up to me, his every gesture towards me reek of it. I know he was realizing some things also and learning about relationships in the process. I was tempted to up my drama to a higher level but I realized there was really no point at being that petty. Seeing that Bolo finally understood my issue and my point was certainly more than enough. So what's the use of feeding the drama?
Ah, I did learn a lot from the experience though. I learned (again) how petty I could become really and how I take delight in feeding my own drama. I realized too that Bolo really values me otherwise he wouldn't have tried that hard to make it up to me. This reminded me of the conversation we had post-Christmas. I was pointing out to him his tendency to prioritize other people over us, his family.
I have always been big with traditions. I can't help it. I grew up in a family that was big on that too -- that puts emphasis on rituals, on tokens and gestures... In the course of our conversation, he wondered at how he could have forgotten how his father and his step Mom often fought about the same issue -- misguided priorities. He was like amazed at finding himself doing the very thing he used to dislike his father for. Amazing huh? I mean, the same thing could also be true for me.
At that time Bolo apologized for not paying much attention to the tradition. He then very quietly told me that it's because they did not have that in the family too while he was growing up. My heart reached out to him really but I also pointed out that being so, the more he should also try not to do the same thing to his son.
Bolo is such a receptive person really. He is quick at learning his lessons and realizing his mistakes. But I guess old patterns are not that easily shaked-off either. It is like a second skin to most people. Even I am guilty of that in some aspect of my life.
It is the new year. It has also been a tradition for me to find myself journalizing what the past year has been like. As it is, I have yet to set aside a time to do just that. But one thing is sure though, even as I sit here writing this, I have already partly achieved that task.
Ah, I sure still have a lot to work on myself. This makes this year no different from any other. Just like any year, this year I will continue at working on myself, finding myself, striving to become a better person each day...
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