I remember being such a mushy child. Well, I guess I have always really been emotional. I remember some moments in my childhood (actually even in my early adulthood -- which practically means...err... now?), when I would see some news about certain poor families undergoing certain misfortune and I would grow emotional about the whole thing. I would then begin to ask why God did not just create everyone equal. Or at least made some lives more comfortable than they are.
But as I grew (both physically and in my thinking), I began to understand more fully that each one of us really has a role to fulfill. I began to sense that whatever circumstance surrounding each of our existence are necessary "ingredients" to whatever it is that we stood to represent in this tapestry called life. Slowly it dawned on me that each of us have a "message" or a "statement" to deliver in this world and that such a statement is made complete by everything or by the circumstances that surrounds our entire being.
In the process my questions also changed. I no longer question God's wisdom. For if there is something I learned early on, it's that God's wisdom is unquestionable. My questions then leaned towards -- "What is this 'seemingly-despicable-person' at the moment in my life trying to tell me?" "What is the message/ lesson am I not getting here?" "Why did learning about this person's misfortune affect me so?" "Is it because it is hitting on an issue I have about myself?"
Slowly, I found myself valuing persons in my life for what they really are, for what they represent. It is always a challenge and even a struggle but I try to look past a person who hurts me so into the underlying truth the whole situation is telling me about myself. Oh, there had been times when I have been the target of some ridicule or another, of some malicious intrigues. Instead of reacting, hurling the insults (often lies) back at the persons perpetrating them, I always step back, and see where they are really coming from.
I mean sure, I'm only human and I certainly get hurt in the process and thus the need to retaliate or at least to defend myself. And yet, I see the value of putting everything in the right perspective than in wallowing in the pain I was feeling. It is a Herculean task, mind you. But I know it is also the only way I could really grow as a person. I couldn't afford to be petty. I'd be losing the lesson I ought to be learning from the situation if I give in to my need to be petty. And the lesson I think is more valuable than anything else, including pride. Because, being petty really is just an attempt to salvage one's pride. And where is the value in that?
Ah, but I am digressing here. I intended to write about how persons in our lives always come at the right time to teach us a lesson or two. And I had intended to write about one particular person -- Manang Ruth -- who had taught me a valuable lesson about... well... success... about earning it.
Manang Ruth is some old friend of the family. If I get my stories straight from what I learned from Mama, Manang Ruth and her family used to help Mama Fely when she was in her lowest moments. That would make it some time around the late 60's.
Now, Manang Ruth is this bent lady who may just be around 50 years old but look way, way much older, in shabby clothes who would appear out of a blue on our doorstep on certain afternoons. And everytime she shows up, we readily knew that she needed something from us. There were moments when we would feel a bit irritated everytime she showed up. Especially around the time when we are also "temporarily-out-of-cash" because, it meant we would have to share the little we have left with her.
Truthfully though, Manang Ruth evoke on us more a feeling of gratitude than anything else. Gratitude that we are at the giving end than at her end. For sure, it must have taken all of her energy to come and to ask for help, short of begging for it. I know, she herself doesn't want to be in such a situation. So who are we to feel irritated or to look down on her? Besides, it's not as if we give her several hundreds everytime. We, ourselves could only afford so much.
Her greeting would usually be to ask if we have coffee and if she can have coffee. Often times she would offer to wash the dishes for us or to give us some body massage (which she is very good at, by the way). And then she would ask if we could spare her some change for her fare back home, which is not much really. Sometimes, her need would be more than just fare money and that would amount to a bit more.
I don't know what is it with her but even if we have very little cash, we will still extend our help and give her the little we have left. Often times we see her not taking the tricycle ride (to save the five peso fare) even if we will give her enough money to cover it. She would walk all the way to the kanto which is quite a walk really.
Manang Ruth has a flair for words. She's so quick at stringing words, coming up with poems (in English! mind you!) that there are times one would be amazed at her wit. Her shabby appearance however curtail whatever admiration that should be due her. So, because of how she looked, she is often perceived as someone not quite right in the head everytime she would launch into one of her poems or declamation piece. Well, she does indeed look funny but if one would really listen more closely, her diction is actually correct, making one guess that there is more to this person than just her shabby appearance.
It was on December 24 that I learned about her story. She came just when I was about to tackle pile upon pile of pots and utensils that Bolo and I used for our pasta project. When she offered to help me clean up, I was more than glad to accept.
She again went about her usual dialog about not having anything for Christmas, and about needing money, etc. She cited another story for what she needed the money for but I wasn't really listening. I have just gotten so used to it already.
We were talking about breastfeeding when the conversation turned towards her attempt at continuing her college education despite being a mother and nursing a few month old baby. She told me her husband knew of her potentials and thus was adamant about sending her to school after they got married. She told me they met when she was fresh out of high school. She told me she just graduated from Assumption then.
Assumption huh?! That certainly got my attention. She then related to me how she competed in regional spelling bees, in quiz bees and won. Somehow I had a hard time connecting the shabbily-dressed woman, helping me with the dishes, to the person she was telling me about. She then said that if any of her classmates would see her now, for sure they would not believe that she had come to the state that she is now.
Manang Ruth had already gone -- a hundred peso richer and bringing with her some of the food we had at home then -- but our conversation was still very much on my mind. I find it hard to reconcile her current state to that of her "glorious" past. I grew sad actually, sad to have known that for someone who have started out with so much potential, she only ended up in such a sorry state... I mean, certainly, anyone would ask what have gone wrong?
Right then and there I grasped the lesson Manang Ruth had given me. Sometimes, it's so easy to grow slack and so sure of one's self when you are right smack in the middle of a comfortable life. More often than not, it's so easy to think that life would go on as smoothly as it should and thus affording ourselves some excuse to be lax and "untrying." That is why it is easy to shrug away a mistake or the urgency to commit to one's becoming, to developing one's self on the excuse that there is always tomorrow to do that. But what if tomorrow never comes? What if by tomorrow you are not as young as you are? What if by tomorrow the opportunities that you are enjoying now would no longer be around? What if tomorrow comes too late?
Oh, I'm not saying that one should panic and overwork oneself to the bone. I'm not saying that at all. All I'm saying is that no one really knows what tomorrow could bring. Everything that may come so easy to us now may not come as easy a few years down the road. One of the things that Nang Ruth's life had taught me is that success could not be had even if you have an IQ equal to that of Einstein. (I read somewhere his IQ was not remarkably high and above the average, true? so citing Einstein here is not necessarily a good idea, huh? Hehehe Couldn't think of another genius though. Bill Gates? Is he a genius? Ah, but I think I've made my point somewhat hehe)
I learned -- Success is something you work at everyday, with everything you have. And I'm not saying success here is just equal to amassing wealth and attaining financial independence. It is success in every way -- in becoming the best that you can be, in fulfilling your dreams, your goal, no matter how minute it might be compared to other's humongous ambitions...
Oh, I too dream about being successful. I dream about having a comfortable life, being able to send my son to a good school, being able to travel, having a quiet life and enjoying life's little pleasures with my family. I dream about reaching my fullest potential, being the best that I can be, finding myself, being able to make a difference...
I'm asking myself, what am I doing now to achieve just that? Am I doing something at all? Or do I take life as it comes? Trudge through everyday in an aimless manner? God help me. I certainly am praying for focus...
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