Picture this: you are sitting in the car, looking out the window. You see the houses you're passing by but not really seeing them. You are trying to make sense of all that you're feeling.
You thought about how the house you just came from have no doors to keep them secure. You thought about how awhile back, you had to refuse some men and women asking for rice because what you brought was intended only for the participants of the FGD. Much as you want to give them the remaining ones, you could not because there is not enough for everyone. You could not just give to a select few. Doing so might only lead to fighting amongst them.
You wonder how fast the information had spread that even those from the other sector came. You came strictly for that validation and brought only enough and a few extra. It wasn't an intended distribution after all.
Amidst all that, you had also been very conscious of the time. You are returning back to base, 4 hours away by car and you are already running late. The discussion with the women was lengthy and the chaos that ensued in the giving of rice added to that. You worry about having to travel in the dark. You worry about the driver who would have to travel 2 and a half hours back, in a deepening night. It was an exhausting week (and even the two weeks before that) but there is no room for you to even think about how tired you are.
Then, out of the corner of your eye, you noticed some movement behind the car. When you look back, you see the same boy who earlier, asked for rice, running after your car. Earlier, you had asked about his Mum and whether she was part of the "meeting." He had said she was not. In the chaos that ensued, you only managed a few lines of apology and then had to leave.
You've covered around 3 blocks already and you wonder how he must have ran all the way. He looked like he's only eight. You were grateful the road was bad and so that slowed you down. Otherwise, you shudder at the thought of him running all that distance for nothing. It would have been unlikely that you'd notice him if you had traveled at a faster pace.
Before you knew it, the floodgates opened. Without warning, you found yourself crying in the car. You've stopped the car of course. The rice was in the other vehicle at the rear. You only have the remaining juice and so you initially offered that to him. He said, he needed the rice more. You felt your heart break to even smaller pieces.
You waited for the other car and eventually you were able to give him the rice that he wanted. He said he has four other siblings with his mother and they really need the rice.
You looked at him and you are amaze to just see him smiling. He did not show any sign of tiredness. You tried looking for that determined expression you saw on his face when you first caught a glance of him. It was unforgettable. It made your heart skip a beat. For now though, his face is simply aglow as he clutch the rice close to his chest.
Again, you felt your heart being squeezed from within. And you begin to wish for a million other possibilities. You begin again that inner dialogue that starts with "if only's."
Then you have to walk away, return his smile as you try to hide your tears. As you walk towards your car and as you start to move away, you acknowledge that once again you are not the same person you were a few moments back. You've left a little of yourself with that boy and with the women. You've also managed to take so much from those encounters.
As you journey on, you think about love and how you have so much more to give. Yet at the same time, you think about your loved ones, especially the little ones you've left behind to pursue your passion. And once again you're torn to a little million pieces...
