Weaning

"Nursing is an intimate activity that fosters a strong bond between mother and child - and some women find it difficult to let that go."

I was browsing the net awhile ago when I came across the above statement. It partly broke my heart when I read the above statement. And yes, I am starting to wean baby, albeit reluctantly.

I had intended to nurse him until he is two years old. But I guess, intention or not, it is beyond my control really. When Baby had his fourth upper and gained his second lower tooth, he and I already started having these "battles." It must be because he's teething and undergoing some discomfort that he took to "biting" me while nursing. Come to think of it, even when we had no tooth yet, there were instances when he would bite me. Tooth or not, it still was painful and often uncomfortable. When his teeth started to show, that was when it had become almost unbearable.

Well, "almost" because most definitely I endured it. And it wasn't that often either so I guess it was easier to adjust to the nipping. It does not make it less painful though. Still, I endured it because I had Baby's best interest at heart.

A few weeks ago though, the biting was occurring ever so often. I'm suspecting he's turning up a molar. But huh, it was pure torture. As I mentioned, he now has four upper teeth and two lower ones. And God is so good they were all beautifully aligned. I would feel a bit of pride everytime I see Baby smile -- which is quite often -- because his teeth were all neat and pretty even for a milk teeth.

Back to the biting incident, often times Baby would leave a mark. And most of time, I ended up crying for the sheer pain of it. I have been told to push him closer to the breast everytime he does it. And I did, still to no avail. The next time around he would still bite. And the more I push him I guess the more he grew frustrated and the more he would bite. That went on for a week before he totally refused to take a breast. Ahh imagine the pain I felt...

The emotions I felt at the separation proved to be more painful than all his biting incidents combined. And I could see it was painful for him too. A few days ago, while we both were going through the transition, it broke my heart to see him so restless at night. He would not take a bottle and yet he would also not take a breast. Still I could sense him wanting it at the same time with his restlessness. He would continue to toss and turn, probably looking for the comfort that nursing brings. And it had been our pattern for so long. For a year, he took to dozing off at night while nursing on me...

During the transition I still took to offering him the breast and he would continue to bite. That went on until three days ago. I remember one incident that was really so painful. We were concerned about him going starving so when it would have been time for him to nurse, B would prepare his bottle and offer it to him. Bolo had to do something downstairs so I was left with Baby and I was urging him to feed from his bottle. He would look at it but would not take it. Then I asked him if he wants to drink from Nanay. And his response really shook me. He just laid there and whimpered. Even now it still breaks my heart to recall it. He literally whimpered. I tried offering my breast to him but he continued to whimper. Try as I might he wouldn't take neither breast nor bottle. So I just hugged him and reassured him. Bolo took over and he was successful in making Baby feed a little from the bottle until he slept.

That dawn, I offered Baby the breast when he got restless and I almost cried when he took it without biting. He fed for quite sometime before letting go of it. And that was the last of it. I guess he cooperated at that time to make it some kind of "ceremonial" letting-go for both of us. I've been telling him I missed nursing him and that I would have wanted to continue it for some time. I even took to pumping my milk again and have him drink from the bottle. But after some time that even did not work especially when we began mixing it to his soy formula since I'm not producing much for one feeding.

It's been three days now since I last fed him that dawn. During the day I tried feeding him again and he bit me again so I gave up altogether. And somehow, he took to the bottle without complaints anymore. Good thing I had that one last time. At that time I had a hard time really adjusting to the separation...

Ah there he is sleeping so peacefully beside his Tatay. He seem such a big boy already. He had grown so "tall" these past few months. Some of his earlier pajama's have now become "purontongs."

One good thing about this weaning experience is how Bolo rose to the "occasion." Without my having to ask him to, or to implore him even, he took to preparing Baby's bottles, thermos and milk. I was surprised to see him walking in with all the stuff and neatly arranged them close to our bed. I wasn't really expecting anything but I was already bracing myself having to rise up our bed to prepare Baby's milk in the middle of the night. But Bolo proved to be such an angel. While I would stir also as soon as I feel Baby's restlessness, it would be Bolo who would rise and prepare the milk. I know it's his way of telling me it is his turn now.

At one time, I had complained to him about my lack of sleep ever since I gave birth. I told him I had to wake up in the middle of the night and then at dawn just to nurse Baby. I told him I long for the time when I would be able to sleep the whole night through. I remember even telling him he's better off since he would just sleep the whole night without much of a clue. His insistence to just let me sleep and let him take care of the feeding even if I knew how much he value his sleep is making me feel cherished.

Bah! I could swear 'Bolo" is synonymous to "sleep." I could go into fits just to have him awake and still talk to me when we were having a tiff but he would just turn to me and say, he's sorry but he really wants to sleep so we'd better talk in the morning... And yet, once again, typical of him, he took to the role without so much of a fuss. For all our petty fights, Bolo again managed to make me feel so treasured and so blessed...

I am indeed so blessed. Thank you B. Thank you Father God...