Swimming Shades

Writing is such an integral part of who I am. I write when something inspires me; when something upsets me or when something really nice happened. I love the opportunity it gives me to express and "find" myself as writing gives me the chance to sort out the million and one feelings I may be having at one time.

I have been writing for as long as I could remember that it had also become a second nature to coin terms that I think would best express what I'm really feeling. I love playing with words, and maybe that is also the reason why I love flirting over at YM hahaha! Shh... allow me to be a bit defensive though, I don't flirt to everyone at YM just one or a few...err.. select friends hahaha

Anyway, I'm digressing again. I was just made to think about this fun I have over coining terms because of what happened this morning. Bee and I are cleaning house -- part of our ritual of welcoming the new year. By the way, we bought Baby a new cabinet -- out of his earned gift check from the Johnson's contest. Well, I had to augment it in order to make the purchase but it was all worth it. So anyway, the first thing we tackled was Baby's very big carton of toys. We knew we had to get rid of some, as the closet could only hold so much. Some of the old toys were already broken anyway.

Baby was still asleep while we were at the task so it was pretty much dependent upon our judgment. I judged it on two things -- (1) the state it's in, and (2) remembering Baby's own attachment to the toys. Some of the "firsts," no matter how broken, got saved by reasons of sentimentality hehehe Anyway, when Baby woke up this morning and saw the big, clear plastic full of toys, he took a look at them and tearfully asked me if we are giving all of them away. I took pity on him knowing full well his attachment to the toys. I remained firm though and told him that they are all broken anyway and that some kids might enjoy them still so we will be giving them away. As way of processing, I told him to take a good look at the pile and say his 'goodbyes' to them. That somehow appeased him, especially when I told him he could take out anything he might still like since I did put in some really good ones but are no longer age appropriate.

So he took a good look and did take out some toys for his keeping. I was tempted to argue with some of his choices but i knew I had to honor his feelings as well. Besides, I was also busy with cleaning the house. Then at one point, I hear him say something in a tone somewhat akin to horror. In an incredulous voice he asked me, "Nanay! 'Bigay mo tong swimming shades ko?!" (Nanay, are you giving away my "swimming shades?!") I was like, "What the ---- is a 'swimming shades?'" I took a look at what he is pointing at and almost doubled over in laughter. He was crouched over the plastic while holding on to his old pair of "googles." Haha! Swimming shades indeed... really smart baby I have here... ;) I'm wondering if he would take to "writing" as well :) I would surely be grateful if he would but would not be upset either if he'd had other interests :)

But really, Baby is way, way cool :) "Swimming shades" indeed! Haha!

Amazing Technology

I'm currently blogging here while at the same time downloading songs from the internet. But that is not what I find so amazing. Both my laptop and phone have bluetooth. So to spruce up the scanty mp3 collection of my phone, I tried sending via bluetooth some of the songs I have already downloaded in my laptop. While I was doing so, I was prompted if I want some kind of authentication for both devices, for security sake. I don't look at myself as a techie but I do know computer stuff -- which should be the case, considering I took computer science as a course for three years in college hehehe. Anyway, so I did what I had to do and viola! There go the songs from my laptop being transferred to my phone. Bah! If that is not amazing technology, I don't know what else to call it hehehe

Which reminds me, I am truly grateful to be enjoying a lot of good stuff in my life lately. To begin with, I am grateful for my "techie" phone which is a token from Ate; for my laptop which ate up a considerable chunk from my bank account; for my good paying job which enabled me some really good purchases for myself (this laptop) and for my loved ones (the gifts I was able to give them); for having Ate and the kids and some of our closest relatives home for Christmas; and for countless other things. Thank you, Father God.

Who wouldn't be grateful when all of these blessings came without my having to seek them out? The phone for instance was a pleasant treat. I was solely content with the SG something Samsung phone I had. It had no camera, could not store mp3's but it was handy, dependable, and served its purpose. I did wish for an mp3 player though and thought about upgrading to a pricier and a bit fancier phone. I was clear about one thing though -- I did not want to shell out money for either of the two items hehehe And so apparently, I got my wish :)

The laptop was another thing. I was clear about what I want in a laptop. At the same time, I was also clear about the budget I was willing to spend for it. So for some time, I waited till I could find one that perfectly fit the bill. And I found one. The only problem then was that my cash wasn't enough at that time. I don't fancy resorting to purchasing it with a credit card. I must admit though that I was very nearly tempted to go that far. I wanted that particular model very much. And then, by the time I had the money and went back to the store, I was a bit sad to have found out that it was already sold out. Amazingly though, I did not feel any disappointment, it's as if I knew all along that I'll have it no matter what. And I did. It was in another store, exactly the same model I wanted, and on a sale yet -- marking down the cost to what I was prepared to pay for. Well, I had been preparing myself to pay more given that most of the lesser prized units have already come and gone with everyone intent to spend all their hard-earned bonuses on gadgets. But then here I am, another wish granted.

Ate and the kids' being home was one of the best wish granted, however. And I miss them already. I am looking forward to their next visit, which I hoped would be a lot longer than two weeks and where we could all go flit off somewhere for some exotic vacation like in Palawan or something :) I'd be more than willing to save for two years for it so I could pay for Mama and Janine's fare as well wahehe

I'm now thinking wistfully of what to wish for next... I cut myself short... Because, I am not really the kind of person who dwells too much on what I want. So I don't really spend any time thinking about what to wish for. Usually, I would just go by feeling, recognizing what I need and want in my life at the moment and then I would continue doing whatever it is I'm doing. I don't brood or obsess over a thing.

Now, I find myself wishing for a good paying, meaningful job where my passion for Mindanao and helping others, and my thirst for knowledge and spiritual/ personal growth be continuously satisfied. And I would like to add -- where I would be working with light, fun-to-be-with, no hang-ups, honest, hardworking, soulful, equally-passionate about Mindanao individuals...

How exacting could I be? :) Well, I had to be (exacting). Because, I want the "whole" package delivered to me by the universe. Not some hodgepodge-same-looking-but-not-quite kind of thing. I can't have that :) Life is too short to be spent on less than what we deserve and intend to have. I've had had that -- owing to immaturity and not knowing any better. This time, I want to be clear about what I really want and to aim for them and nothing less. After all, I have little wants and desires and more often than not, they are not intended to harm other people or to step on anyone's toes...

Whiling the Time Away

It’s really late. I ought to be sleeping already but I just came in from spending the night out with Ate, the kids and some of their relatives. I’m feeling a bit perked up at the moment. So I’m doing this for a bit of some winding down.

Ate and the kids are leaving tomorrow for Manila. They will be spending two days there before flying out to Hongkong and then eventually to Australia. They’ve been here for two weeks only, such a short time but we’ve really been busy the whole time. There were just far too many gatherings and family outings being squeezed in into an already tight schedule in view of the Holidays.

Oh well, it’s going to be a long time till they’ll be vacationing again. Hope it will be longer next time though and would feature some “really” out of town trips. This time we’ve been to Nabunturan to visit its famous hot spring resort. It also served as a treat to the olds. I’m hoping that next time though we would be going somewhere a little bit further than that like Camiguin or Boracay. I’ve been to both several times already but I wouldn’t mind going to these places again with the family.

Actually, I’ve been intending to visit Manila as well to spend more time with Ate’s kids and to treat Mama but the schedule is not so good with the Holiday rush and all to consider. The thought of spending most of the three days in Manila sitting out a traffic jam is horrendous and well, not seem worth the money and the time. It would be heavenly to spend a few more days with them though but oh well.. next time.

Hey, Ate, Kuya, Tung, Bodok and Lian, it was truly nice seeing and spending some time with you. Looking forward to your next vacation. Take care always, ‘love you.

Breaking Dawn

The clock in the lower right-hand corner of my screen reads it’s 1:36 AM. Finally, I had a way to tell the time. There’s hardly any clock inside this room we are delegated into. The clock in my cell phone is utterly useless since I hadn’t set it right and it had not occurred to me to look at my wrist watch somewhere inside my hand bag. Well, at least up until now.

Ate and the kids arrived today for their two-week vacation. We had fully intended to go back to our Empress home. We have prepared for it but Ate had voiced out her concern about our having to stay away when they would be here for just a few days. And I had to agree as well. At least it will give me more time with the kids. We’ve missed them so much and two weeks is so short after all to be spent far apart from each other. We don’t know when the next visit would be.

So, for the time being we are occupying the much smaller bedroom. Well, it is very cozy. In fact, better than I had expected. I smile now, amused as I recalled Baby’s reaction earlier this evening. I was dressing him up after our shower, preparing him for bedtime. He looked around the room cautiously and asked me whether we are sleeping in this room. With a pout he told me we ought to sleep with Mama Gaga – referring to the bedroom we have been occupying. I told him we wouldn’t all fit inside the room.

Now, I’m already beginning to feel sleepy. Only a moment ago I had a hard time settling down. I was so high, after finally closing the last page to “Breaking Dawn” – the fourth and last installation of the “Twilight Saga.” It’s a “very pretty” book. (Well, the whole series was.) I reserve the description “beautiful” to “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy and to Ayn Rand’s “Fountain Head” and “Atlas Shrugged.” And rightfully so.

Nonetheless, this series certainly did leave me breathless just the same. Breathless and completely satisfied as how I’d always feel after reading a good book. “Breaking Dawn” has in fact been a good read. It gave a fitting ending to the beautiful tapestry woven in “Twilight” and the two other installations that followed. It was filled with enough drama, rendering a reader utterly defenseless from its charm. It had been very difficult to put the book down. The funny thing is I knew that it would have its effect on me so I deliberately avoided it, knowing full well my reports had to take the utmost priority. But I guess that’s just how this universe works – whatever you covet the most -- with most certainty -- it would come to you no matter how you may try not to seek it.

Here’s how it was in this case: I was up late, finishing the minutes of a very important meeting related to a project I’m involved with. I was also hooked to the internet. Out of habit, every now and then I would take a pause from the report I was doing to surf the net, check my mails or to chat with a friend over at YM. I know, an utterly counterproductive habit but it’s one of the things that kept me sane in spite of the several deadlines I have, as ironic as it may sound.

Anyway, I was just about to wrap things up after I’ve emailed the report when a niece came online. We casually chatted over the internet and that’s when it happened. We talked about “Twilight” and how she is reading “New Moon” at the moment. I told her “Eclipse” is so much more exciting (Of course at that time, I had not known “Breaking Dawn” would even be more so). She informed me that she’s at a café just because she can’t resist sneaking up some time to read her “e-copy” of NM. And casually, she told me she has an e-copy of all four books. That was the first mistake. The second mistake was when I agreed that she could send them over to me. The third, when I opened the e-copy of BD and told myself I would just take a peak at the first few pages.

That was around 1:30 AM. The next time I looked up from the computer, I was shocked to see the light outside of the window. I snaked a look at the clock of my computer and was totally surprised to see it was already 5:30 in the morning. I was that engrossed! Tatay, when he finally came in at around 2:30 am from an evening out, had tried to pry me away but nothing he did took me away from my reading. At around 7:00 in the morning, he took matters to his own hands and literally pulled the plug from under me. The monitor went black on me and I would have argued if not for my noticing for the first time how exhausted I felt. Immediately, I dropped on my back and slept.

After three hours, I woke up determined more than ever to borrow Jeni’s book copy of BD. I had to have it! I had to finish it! Jeni’s been holding out on me as well so I could do my reports as I intended. But eventually I know it had come to this. Last night, I did pick up the book from her. And here I am. I would have been able to finish the book much sooner if only not for Ate’s arrival. It kept me busy the whole day.

Lots of things I wanted to write about, other entries besides this one have been cooking along in my head before I started chipping away here. Because, you see, I closed the book feeling a bit “in love” with the idea of love :) So naturally, it had left me feeling pensive and well, inspired to pursue a certain line of thought. Ah well, that’s a different entry all together. For now, I would have to end this entry with that. Otherwise, another breaking dawn would be on me before I’d even noticed it. I need my sleep as well but ah I certainly want to write about it, about that certain promise of “someone else.” But ah, that would have to wait. For now, I should sleep. My body and mind needs the rest. There are, after all, reports to finish after this…

Post-Script: Baby's Certificate :)

See? Look at his picture, he's got the cutest smile, right? ;) haha! Spoken like a real Mom, huh? :)

My Celebrity Son

Well, all the sacrifices and money thrown into the event have finally paid off... and ended... last night. At last! :) The results were amazing. Imagine, the baby who won first prize threw in 23,000++ votes. Imagine that. A co-parent who sat in the same table as us (during the Awarding Dinner last night) told me she computed that for this week alone, the parent of that baby could have spent close to a million. Imagine that! Because you see, 1 vote means a 300 purchase plus 2 products of the activity organizer.

Well, the purchase, that can be done away with if you would just have someone ask for receipts. But, 23,000++ votes meant around 47,000 Johnson products. And being buyers ourselves, we knew that the cheapest product is at Php 15.75 each. That is, if you were lucky enough that VP have stocks for that product. In our case alone, the only available product during the last week was that of Php 35++ and above. So imagine that... Well, you do the math and that is around 800K++ hahaha

Well, I'm happy we made the right decision not to splurge this time and take it easy. We practically spent quite an amount of money making purchases and buying the products in order to raise votes for Baby. During the final round, we thought we couldn't waste our money when we are not sure if Baby could win at all or not. Tatay and I were contemplating about spending Php 50K on the products alone haha! What a waste it would have been. There were some parents who spent 200K++ and did not even make it to the top 3 since third place had a total vote of 16K++ so that's 32K of the products... around Php 500K hahaha!

Anyway, the whole experience really had me tickled pink. I totally enjoyed it. What I enjoyed the most was that Baby seem to enjoy everything as well. These days, everytime we get in our car, he would ask if we are going to "his" contest haha! And then this morning, he asked me where his certificate and his "tickets" are. He asked, "Where's tickets ko, Nanay?" in a very concerned voice that I was really amused by it. Btw, the tickets here meant the gift certificates he earned as one of the baby finalists. Well, yes, he was indeed one of the finalists and it is enough to make me proud. In fact, I have this feeling that if only the contest was about having the cutest smile, then I'm sure Baby would have won first place hahaha! I'm sure the other parents would think otherwise but hey, this is my blog after all hahaha!















That's Baby in the center. In a red shirt. So, I'm right, aint I? He's the cutest there is hahaha!

Plenty of food during the "Culmination Dinner."

With Ninang Jeni!

Parenthood and Baby Contest

I sat on top of the carton of soaps, trying to accomplish the tickets that would form part of Baby’s votes for the week. My mind is engaged, thinking a lot of things all at the same time. A part of me is feeling incredulous. I couldn’t believe what I just allowed to happen. I let Bee talked me into throwing a good deal of money intended to purchase a prepaid internet pack to buy 140 bars of soap. Hmm… actually, make that 160 cartons of Vitamin-enriched, Milk soap bar.

So in case any of my family or closest friends is reading this, I guess you know now what you are getting for Christmas haha! You would have to excuse me this year for shying away from tradition and from one of the things I like best about Christmas – hunting for well-thought of, individualized presents for family and loved-ones wahehe.

Another part of me was itching for my cell phone. I wanted to share my foolishness with Candy and Jeni, wanted to share with them how I found the whole thing amusing. Well, amusing doesn’t even begin to cut it -- this almost obsessive impulse to throw away every cent I have just to ensure Baby’s win. Well, to be honest, I’m not really concerned about Baby topping the list. Placing third would be good enough for me.

Ah… and there was this other preoccupation. Before the tickets came through, I was happy where I was, perched on the carton of soaps, totally enamored and amused as Jacob and Edward both tried to fight for a space in my heart. They are both so lovable, in their own, distinct way. I was so absorbed with “Eclipse” (third installation of “Twilight”) that I was reluctant to respond when Tatay tapped me by the shoulder to hand me a booklet of tickets to fill up. But that’s a different entry altogether.

Hmm… let me explain it first. On impulse, almost two months ago, I registered Baby in a Baby contest of sorts. We had him photographed and allowed a really good marketing team to suck us all in, as week for week we drive ourselves a little crazy purchasing mundane things just to secure a few votes. And that’s not even the worst part about it. It is swallowing one’s pride to approach strangers and ask them for receipts! Haha! Well, I have to thank Tatay for making sure I don’t have to stoop that low hehe!

All I ever did was look wistfully at the receipts hanging loosely from strangers’ purchases, wishing I could kick aside my ego in order to match the sacrifice Tatay is making at that same moment. I sort of “envy” some parents and the tenacity they’re showing as they approach total strangers, give a litany of sorts about the contest and ask them for receipts or to vote for their babies. I envied the dedication they’re displaying and thought how they are really making the most of the experience.

Experience. Jeni had teased me once saying I’m doing all these things for Baby’s shot at fame. I thought a lot about that too, before. I wondered if I really do want Baby to be somewhat famous and all -- thus this obsession. But nah, not really. I prefer not to call much attention to myself and for good reasons. I want the same thing for my son.

The truth is, what I’m actually paying for, is this particular experience as a parent. I saw it as an opportunity to discover who I am as a “stage mother” without necessarily harming baby in any other way like having to force him to audition or something. God forbid! I wouldn’t want such experience for my son or be the one to subject him to such a thing. At the same time, I saw it as an opportunity for Tatay and I to work together again as a team for Baby’s sake. I love the thought of how the experience is giving us both a shot at another aspect of parenthood, something we wouldn’t have if not for this contest.

That is why I envied all those parents and how they were really throwing all of themselves into the experience. Some parents (mostly mothers) whom I talked with, told me they spent most of their days in the mall just to chase receipts and votes for their babies. A particular parent told me she had spent a total of 40 thousand already from the first week of the contest up to now -- the final elimination round prior to the finals. Imagine that. Here I am, telling myself I’m in it for the experience and yet I am not as fully into it as they are. I truly envy their dedication and well, their time since I definitely could not afford just to hang at the mall all day.

But in fairness, I may not have spent that much money or time but I have gone far beyond my comfort zones. This week alone I had been visiting the mall three days in a row when I would normally just drop by once a week to make purchases, have Tatay’s receipts validated and cast our votes for Baby. Then we leave everything up to the fates. Tatay and I are quite strategic though. We look at the votes already in and “compute” how many votes would secure Baby’s making the cut that week, so we don’t necessarily stress ourselves out thinking that we might not have enough votes for the week. It also allowed us to save some votes for the weeks thereafter.

This last week is crazy though thus requiring those extra days spent at the mall. The other parents were all edgy, almost in a state of panic as they erratically drop coupons upon coupons up until the final hour. So it was pretty much unpredictable. It drove me a bit crazy haha I was tempted to “scold” them, thinking they shouldn’t waste that much votes since it wouldn’t be carried over on the final week anyway. I was tempted to give them a lecture about “being strategic” haha! But there they were, dropping as many as they could, forcing me to do the same. In the end Tatay and I dropped all our saved coupons. We can’t not have Baby in for the final week! By then, the organizers would have the babies’ pictures printed big and displayed in individual boxes. That particular experience, I wouldn’t want Baby to miss :)

Parenthood sure is a whole lot of experience to contend with and I’m truly glad I bought into it no matter how difficult it may prove to be sometimes. Just seeing Baby and the little antics he’s learning and showing me everyday is enough to make me think all the sacrifices are all worth it.

"Shallow Happiness"

It’s amazing how seeing Baby’s used shorts on the floor could fill me with so much happiness. Here’s the context – (1) the “floor” the shorts was on, was directly next to the laundry basket; (2) Since the day he was able to walk, I’ve already been asking Baby to put his used clothes to the laundry. So it really felt amazing to see him finally doing it on his own, without my having to remind him all the time. It filled me with a sense of pride and brought me so much happiness. It made me realize that mothers really have “shallow happiness” (mababaw ang kaligayahan hehehe).

It’s really amazing how Baby is starting to “shape up” under my very eyes. He had this tiny set of drawers that I also labeled. I always grew irritated before everytime I’d see Baby’s clothes are not in their proper places. So one day, I painstakingly labeled his drawers. I also drew on them. I’ve taken to putting in his pajamas on the topmost drawer. Another house his socks, shorts and nickers. The next drawer had his shirts and sando's while the bottom drawer is where his extra sweatshirts are. Each drawer had drawings on them, showing exactly what is in them.

It wasn’t really my intention to use the drawings for Baby’s benefit. When I was doing that, I was really paying homage to my artistic self more than anything else. What I did not know then is that it would come handy when it comes to “training” Baby.

Lately, he had been such a show off, always insisting on putting on his clothes himself, putting on his socks, etc. Every time he does that, I would have to “praise-overload” him least he would give up trying altogether. And it would always amuse me how his face would lit up every time I tell him how “very good” he is. It’s really cute.

So now, everytime I’d ask him to change his wet shirt or shorts, he would run to his drawer, point at the drawing on his drawer and say, “This one, Nanay?” or “Kani, Nanay?” And I would be grateful for the drawings. Just the other day also, while I was folding our newly laundered clothes, I let Baby take charge of his clothes. From where I sat, he eagerly got hold of his folded pajamas and ran to the other room only to come running back to get his folded shirts. When I checked, he had managed to put them in their exact drawers except for a couple of pajamas that strayed to where his shorts are. And while I was checking, he was eagerly waiting for my approval and it greatly amused me. I also felt my love for him doubled a hundred times over. Ah, motherhood truly has its rewards.

Musings

“Why can’t it last?” I turned to Bee and asked. We were still both in bed trying to get our bearings before getting up and start preparing for the day. I have just related how I had a pleasant dream about my crush paying me special attention – asking me how I was, and showing me special concern. And yes, I could talk to Bee about my crushes. Not that there are many or that I have one for a prolonged period of time. They’re usually just individuals with brilliant minds and passion for Mindanao, whom I would greatly admire. Well, I must add that they’re about my age and are not exactly lacking where the physical aspect is concerned hehehe

So, anyway, I was telling Bee about how I woke up feeling good from the dream. And, immediately, he dragged me out of the cloud I was floating on to remind me that “these things” happen only during the courtship stage and soon after will fade to oblivion. That was what the “why-not-last” question about. I asked why it could not last. I argued that it really depends on the couple. If they would make the effort, then certainly the relationship could retain its “courtship-like” atmosphere.

His quick rejoinder to what I said really had me thinking. Very quickly he said, “Lisod man gud mag-love pirmi sa gamug-ot!” Wahahaha! I mean yeah, it’s a simple statement but it certainly means a lot. Indeed it is difficult to feel the love consistently for someone who is constantly frowning or worrying or nagging you.

Come to think of it, the courtship stage is mostly about being your best self. You get flattered so you respond accordingly. You smile a lot, you’re a lot kinder, a lot more patient, etc. It’s no wonder there is nothing but “feel-good” energy during this stage. Now, marriage is an entirely different case altogether. It’s when you get to see the person for who s/he really is. And, it’s not always that you’ll find a reason to smile about. More often than not, there are (somehow) a lot more reasons to frown about.

Now, I’m wondering, can there not be a way to go past all of that? I mean, I’m not saying one should be delusional and turn a blind eye on problems just to maintain that “happy-nothing-is-wrong” atmosphere. All I’m saying is, is there not a way wherein we could tackle “problems” and “knots” in our relationship as something that are just momentary bumps in the road and not the be-all and end-all of the relationship? I mean sure, there are bound to be hardships along the way but do we just stop at that? Hmm… I know it’s easier said than done but really? All I’m trying to say is that sometimes, the way we look at things could spell a whole lot of difference.

What you seek is what you shall find. The “Secret” said something like, “You attract what you feel so strongly about.” So if you constantly focus on the negativities of your relationship then I guess that’s what you’ll get more of. Or is it? Just thinking out loud.

Boracay

I sit here, crouching over the laptop on top of the bed slaving over a report that is due a few hours from now. The clock in the lower, right-hand corner of my screen reads 1:27 AM. My back aches and is screaming for me to take a rest and just lie down for a minute just to allow my spine to realign once again. Thoughts and words crowd over my head as I try to accomplish the report as briefly but at the same time, “exacting” as best as I could. And yet, dreams of Boracay – its white, powdery sand bathe in its unforgettable golden sunsets – creep into my mind, teasing me into nostalgic train of thought.

Ah, who would have thought that I’d eventually fall inlove with Boracay? I’ve seen her twice before but was never smitten. To me, she’s far too overcrowded, far too commercialized to merit being included in my “best-loved-vacation-spot” list. But in my recent visit, she managed to creep right into that list and into my heart. Boracay just grew on me and here I am thinking -- amidst scattered papers and reports -- of the time I’d be through with all of these so I would just find myself in her midst again.

Nope, I don’t fancy another island touring, I’ve done that twice and I guess I’ve seen enough. What I really look forward to doing is just spending lazy walks at white beach, covering the wide expanse from station 1 to station 3 and then back. I don’t care about the shops or the night life. I’ve never been much of a party person. What I truly long for was just to spend a lazy afternoon at the beach, lost in thought with probably a pen in hand as I get lost in my own thoughts and introspection. It would really be lovely to spend an entire week there, doing nothing but sit back and relax with no thoughts whatsoever other than enjoying the time at hand. A week! That would be heavenly. I can’t wait to have the chance to do just that. Soon!

Actually Boracay came to mind in the first place since I've been wanting to blog about our recent visit there. But with all the reports that I needed to do, it simply is just impossible... But ah...soon :)

Afternoon Delight

One thing I’m enjoying about being on leave these past weeks is the time I spent with Baby in the afternoons. As is usually the case, I had to do a lot of “encouragement” before he agrees to take an afternoon nap. More often than not he would tell me in his trilingual tongue, “Play lang ako, Nanay. Dili ako sleep,” with matching flick of the eyelash and the pouting of lips. This would put me in a dilemma. Why? Because, I remember not so long ago how I also used to “despise” my Mom or whoever would “command” my cousins and I to take a nap in the afternoon.

I remember feeling rebellious at that time, thinking how I’d rather just play than sleep. In hindsight, I think it’s really a way for the kids to dispense with all that energy. Playing meant some kind of outlet. The funny thing is, I also remember telling myself then that when I would be grown up, and it’s my turn to become a parent, I would not force my kids to take an afternoon nap. Instead, I will allow them to play all afternoon because I know how it feels. Wahehehe I was that “forward looking” even then.

So one afternoon, I found Bee and Baby locked in an argument about taking a nap. I could see that Bee wants to take a nap himself and would want to feel secure about Baby by making sure he’s asleep as well. Isn’t this the real reason really? Hehe. And so I asked him if he had the same experience as I did -- despising naps in the afternoons and vowing not to subject my would-be kids to the same treatment. He looked sheepish for a while, smiled and changed his approach. Without changing a beat, he immediately told Baby that he could play all he want! Hehehe. Of course I admonished Bee for it. Baby would only be confused by the sudden change but I also appreciated the fact that Bee got the value of what I was telling him. What I appreciated more, however, was his readiness and willingness to “change tapes” at a drop of a hat.

Bee and I are serious about not making the same mistakes that our parents did. Of course we’re not saying that our parents are bad. Now that we’re parents ourselves, we recognize how hard it is to become one and be responsible for everything that concerns our child. We know that parents have unconditional love for their children and that at any given time was really only being the best that they could be. At the same time, we recognize that there are certain patterns – not exactly good – that are passed on from generation to generation that we would not want our child to inherent. Thus the “changing of tapes.”

Bee and I are really dead serious about changing our tapes. We would want to “break” the patterns and provide Baby with a relatively “clean” slate. We are not perfect. Bee and I recognize that he and I are also the product of years and years of conditioning – by our parents and by our own experiences while growing up. And so, we try our best to do two things: first, to always better ourselves in order to be able to give baby a good example and second, to constantly be in search of ways with which we could raise baby in a good way.


Hmm… but that’s not what I intended to write about in the first place. What I want to share really is this funny incident I had with baby very recently. As I said, urging him to take afternoon naps is really such a challenge. I had to be really creative about it, resorting to ways that would eventually induce him to sleep without my having to force him to.

Usually, I would insist he would have to take his “dede” first and play afterwards if he wants. The good thing is, there is a direct correlation between the decrease of the level of milk in Baby’s feeding bottle to that of the degree of the opening of his eyes hehehe. If that does not work, I would read to him or engage him in an “I-Ask-You-Answer” exercise. Well, my years of experience in training sure do come in handy on time like this : )

Anyway, here’s a transcript of one of those “afternoon sessions:”

Me: Baby, what do you call a baby seal?
Baby: Pup!
Me: What do you call a baby panda?
Baby: Cub!
Me: What do you call a baby pig?
Baby: piglet!
Me: What do you call a baby dog?
Baby: (It’s been a while since I last asked him this and he probably forgot already) Ah…dog, Nanay?
Me: Yes, dog. What do you call a baby dog?
Baby: Ah… puppy! Puppy!
Me: Very good! Puppy! How about the baby cat?
Baby: Cat? Meow, Nanay?
Me: No, that’s the sound a cat makes, Baby. I meant the name of the baby cat. What do you call a baby cat?
Baby: Call Nanay?
Me: Yes, call.
Baby: (putting a fist on his right ear) Hello! Hello! Nanay?

Waaaahhhhh! Hehehe

Here’s another:

Me: What do you call a baby elephant?
Baby: Haaachooo! (pretending to sneeze)
Me: What?
Baby: Calf, Nanay! (He meant cough!)

Waaaah! Matalinong bata hehehe. Able to make associations of words already. Calf (cough) indeed! Hehehe

Another one:

Me: What do you call a baby gorilla?
Baby: Di ko ‘lam, Nanay.
Me: It’s infant, Baby. Infant.
Baby: Infant Jesus, Nanay?


Hahahahaha!!!! Afternoon delight indeed!

Thank you, Father God for every moment of it and for giving me such a smart Baby. May you constantly sustain Loreto and I as we fumble and grope our way to being the best parents for our son. We make humungous mistakes every now and then, being a work in progress ourselves. For that I am constantly ashamed of and am sorry. Please help us train up Rod Lauren in the way that he should go. Amen.

Pasalubong

Bee just came in from an overnight activity in Samal and we were both surprised when Baby -- after squealing in delight and running straight to his Tatay's arms the instant he saw him, squirmed free and headed straight to his Tatay's backpack. He then turned to his Tatay and said, "Pasalubong Tatay?" Haha! Bee turned to him and said his presence is the pasalubong. Bee turned to me however and said he'd make a quick visit to a nearby store but I admonished him. While it is nice to have some pasalubongs for Baby when we've been away, I would rather have it that Baby is pleased to see us because he missed us and not because he's looking forward to the treat we're giving him.

Baby certainly is growing up so fast. He never fails to amaze us everyday with his new learning and antics. Last Thursday night (August 14) he insisted to put on his socks himself. We were getting ready for bed then. Bee was handing Baby and I socks for the night. He turned towards Baby, intending to put it on him. Baby however insisted about doing it himself. And so I praised him and told his Tatay, "Look, Tay, mark this date -- August 14 -- this is the day that Baby put on socks for himself for the first time!" Baby then said, "Picture please Tatay." Haha! So he now have associated his "first's" with taking pictures of the event! hehehe Smart Baby :)

1984

It’s been a long time since I had a time to really sit down and finish reading an entire book. Lately, all I’ve ever managed doing is start a self-help book and then abandon it. There’s just too much to do and too little time to do it with. Oh, on second thought, I still do have the time for reading. And sometimes I would even finish as much as three books a night. And they’re mostly by Dr. Seuss. =D

Reading for my own pleasure doesn’t come that often these days though. More often than not, my free time are usually spent on the internet. As it is, I sometimes feel I do not have enough time for blogging. So definitely, reading takes second priority these days.

Every time we would be staying at our Empress home I would look longingly at my bookshelf there. It houses my complete collection. Well, whatever is left of it. Some really good ones like some of Ayn Rand’s and Coelho’s and some Anne Rice’s must have remained stuck in somebody else’s book shelf. I even miss my copy of the Celestine Prophecy and it’s sequel. That and some of those that would have completed my Tolkien and Harry Potter series.

It never really was my intention but over the years I’ve managed to get hold of books that have sequels and prequels or that which could comprise a complete series. Until now I have an old copy of Love Story and it’s sequel – “Oliver Story.” I think I love the idea of “continuity” that these books imply. And one of my prized possessions really is the Bourne Series I have. I even have them in hardbound. I started reading them in high school but only managed to get copies of them when I was in college. Well, I had a bigger allowance at that time. :) That collection nearly cost me an arm and a leg. I think I missed a few meals just to be able to afford to buy them at that time.

Ah, all these talks about books are reminding me about all the other books I’ve lost over the years… My favorite classic – “Crime and Punishment.” Then there’s my bibliography of Hitler’s latter part of his life… But I don’t hold any grudges really. While I value my books more than I value anything else I own, I don’t have that much attachment where they are concerned however. They’re just things after all.

Anyway, I’ve had had in my possession a copy of Orwell’s 1984 since college. I’ve read its reviews. Every now and then I’d read a feature story or an article making a reference to it so I kind of have an idea what the book was all about. But as for really picking it up and devouring its pages, I never really had the time to do that in the past. Not until today. And finally, after more than ten years, I was finally able to read it from cover to cover in just one day.

I find it ironic since in my current state I was strictly advised about taking on any reading. And 1984 is not just “any reading.” It’s highly intellectual reading. I think it is safe to say it is not “for-just- anyone” type of reading. From page 1 I know it’s going to be “heavy” reading from then on. For a moment, the word “relapse” came to my head but try as I might, I know I could not just turn away from the book. I had to finish it. It was that interesting to me. It was that appealing.

It was indeed interesting. It reminded me so much of “Crime and Punishment” but its plot is much, much more complex and thought-provoking. 1984 is pretty much like Ayn Rand’s “Anthem” but only much more voluminous and therefore much more detailed and complicated in plot. Nonetheless, I loved it.

I loved its concept of “double speak.” I loved how the book touched on the complexity of the human brain. Of how it could be influenced to think contrary to what it really feels. I loved its concept of “obliterating the past” in order to control the future.

The book was written in the 60’s and is about a perceived society 20 years down the line. It was written with everything that has been going on at that time as its background – the Super Power Countries phenomenon, the rise of Communism, etc. And I’m thinking, amidst what background are we writing our books of today? What is the stream of consciousness that propels every writer’s mind nowadays?

1984 was a popular book in its time, so was Ayn Rand’s and many others. What are today’s popular books? What kind of books makes it to today’s “Best Seller’s List?” And what is the stream of consciousness that drove it to be on that list? What are today’s readers’ needs? To me, books are what feed the mind and the soul and so I make my choices accordingly. I just wonder what books are to today’s generation of internet-driven and internet-obsessed blokes?

Baby's First Levi's

Baby donned on his first Levi’s today. Funny but I certainly got emotional over it. Hehehe. Since he was just a few month’s old, Baby had already been wearing denim pants. To digress a little, it’s really amazing how babies’ clothes have changed over time. There are simply a lot of things available in the market today. One can even find miniskirts for newborn baby girls these days. Amazing.

Anyway, Baby had his first Guess jeans when he was two years old. It was a gift from Candy. But Levi’s is something different I guess. It represents a lot of things to me. For one, I grew up knowing it was Papa’s preferred brand of pants. In college, there was a time when it had also become a fashion statement. And I got into this stage wherein I wouldn’t wear any other pants but Levi’s. I remember owning up to 6 pairs at one time. And it did not come easy because even then a pair was already pretty much expensive. Good thing there are times when Mama would be pretty generous and would buy me a pair.

Seeing Baby donning on his first pair evoked in me mixed emotions. It’s as if it drove home to me the point that pretty soon Baby would be all grown up he’d have his own say where his clothes is concerned. Next year he’ll be entering play school and maybe before I knew it he’ll be entering college. By then it’ll be his turn to “urge” his Nanay to buy him a pair of Levi’s. :)

Roxas City Trip

For the longest time I’ve been wanting to take Mama on a trip somewhere. It’s high time that she starts enjoying the fine things in life. She’s always been hardworking, always bent on providing for and serving the people in her lives. It’s high time that someone starts thinking about giving her what is due her. Oh, I’ve always been mindful of her and all the sacrifices she did and is still doing for the family. But I never really had the chance to treat her big time. For one thing, I did not have the resources before. And when there were instances that I did have the resources, she would always decline the offer, saying it would just be a waste of money.

So this time, not to give her the time to refuse, I booked her plane ticket in advance. So I just broke it to her gently that she had to take a leave from work for two days as her ticket is non-refundable. I had booked her ticket two months in advance so she would have the time to have the whole idea sink in and well, to prepare for the trip.

For two months, there were times I would sense her excitement for the trip. But there were also times when she would express her misgivings for the whole thing, for the expense and for the time it would take her away from work. She bemoaned the fact that she would be away from her work and how the money that I would spend for her and Janin be used for a more worthwhile project. When she would get into this mood, I would immediately turn away lest we would again get into one of our arguments. In the end she lightened up especially when it was settled that Mama Fely will be joining us as well. It was one of her worries – who would be left with Mama Fely when we were away. I worried about that as well. Good thing Ate made arrangements for her to join us.

Choosing the Place. Baguio and Ilocos was one of the trip options. Actually I had a hard time deciding where to take her. But since Bolo and I had recently been to Baguio, I had certain misgivings about going there again. Ilocos is another thing though. The last time I’ve been there was some four or five years ago. So I was kind of toying with the idea. I could no longer remember how it came to be that I finally decided on Boracay. I think it had something to do with the available flights and the promo.

Boracay. I’ve never been fond of the place before. I’ve been there twice and I used to think being there once is enough. I’m fond of Panay as a whole though. I love visiting Iloilo and all its churches (especially those I have not been to yet). And I’m particularly fond of Kalibo or to be more apt, New Washington because of Sampaguita Gardens. And I had yet to visit Antique, Guimarras and Roxas City.

I’ve always been wanting to visit Roxas City. The last time I had a chance to visit Panay, I’ve been able to go to Miag-ao (one of my must-see places) despite the tight schedule I had. At that time, we were actually staying at Sampaguita Gardens for several days. Since we were real close to Boracay already, we decided to go there. But I would have rather visited Roxas City since I’ve never been there yet. Aside from the fact that I’ve always wanted to visit Pan-ay Church and its historic Bell (Biggest in Asia and third in the world). So when we finally decided on Boracay at this time, I fully intended to go Roxas City.

It was a little difficult deciding on the itinerary given the limited time we had. We only had 5 full days and I had intended we cover Roxas, Miag-ao, some other churches in Iloilo, New Washington and well, Boracay. Guimarras and nearby Bacolod sounded appealing and I know I would have squeezed them in if I only had enough time.

The trip. Landing in Iloilo on our first day, we immediately made a segue to the terminal for the bus that would take us to Roxas City. We passed by a portion of Jaro District on our way there and we saw the devastation left by Typhoon Frank. Yes, our trip was scheduled right around that time. Fortunately for us, our schedule was not on the week when the typhoon hit but around two weeks after its onslaught. Frank left such a big damage though so there were talks that Panay and Boracay would not recover in a month. Imagine that! Everything was plastered in the news and what was shown was not exactly a pretty picture. The olds were starting to voice out their concerns and so did our close friends who knew of the trip. But the owner of the resort we booked in Boracay was reassuring and so we went ahead with the trip.

It took some time before the bus left for Roxas and the ride was not exactly smooth. We arrived at Roxas at around 1 pm and we were actually starving having no decent breakfast but some packed cheese sandwiches. So we immediately hailed a cab. In Roxas, translate that to – tricycle. We headed straight to Gaisano Metro and into Mang Inasal. Ah, Mang Inasal is another story altogether. I intend to devote a separate entry just for it.

Anyway, since we intended to go around Roxas very quickly, given the limited time we had, we decided to hire the tricycle we hailed for the entire afternoon. So we practically went around Roxas city in our “tri-wheeled limousine” :)

Pan-ay Church was our objective in Roxas but since we were already close to the “Roxas Mansion” – Sen. Mar Roxas’ residence – we decided to visit is as well and take a few pictures. After which, we went straight to Pan-ay Church.

The church was located at some distance from the city proper. It took a while before we got there. I was happy to find out that the church was open. The olds and I immediately knelt down to pray. The kids however have different ideas. They were running about and shouting, much to my consternation.

I almost moaned out loud when I found out the belfry was locked. I was there for the Bell and it would certainly be a shame to miss it this time. Who knows when I’d have the time and the resources to visit again. I urged Bee to inquire at the cumvento whether we could have the belfry opened. We both did but we were informed that the caretaker left and would not be returning for some time. My heart sank but still I did not lose hope. And true enough, soon after the caretaker arrived and we were allowed entry.

The climb. It was quite a climb to the top. I got pleased and at the same time fearful when Mama displayed her enthusiasm to go up the belfry. Pleased because I was really happy for her. It also made me realize she is really hungry for such adventures and I’m glad to have been given the opportunity to give that to her. Fearful because not only was the climb long, the stairs were real steep as well. Even I had a hard time maneuvering the stairs (especially in going down!) And of course there was her hypertension to consider.

On the way up, I kept reminding her to take her time and not to rush to the top. I assured her we had all day to conquer the bell and that she should not worry about her slow ascent. Of course we did not have all day but I can’t have her sick just because I was very much a stickler for time.

And then before I knew it, we were all on the top of the belfry. The bell was huge alright and the 360 angle view of Roxas was heavenly as well. I just got a bit concerned with Baby. The place wasn’t exactly “fall-proof” and it was quite a drop from there to the ground – a no-no place for a toddler who has boundless energy. So we made sure we always had a hand on him.

On our way down, I urged Bolo to make a donation. I urged him to make a bigger donation when I saw him take a bill of low denomination. I pointed out to him that we do not know when we will be able to come and visit the church again. That could very well be the only chance we get to make a donation.

We took a few more pictures of the church when we got down. Afterwards we headed back to downtown so we could catch our ride for Caticlan. Next stop – Boracay!

Some trivia: There are several bells at the belfry aside from the big bell. If I’m not mistaken, there were 9 bells in all. The caretaker told us that during special occasions such as weddings, all 9 bells will be rang and that the sound would be heard far and wide. Hmm… talk about declaring to the world that you’ve finally tied the knot : )

A Prayer

I woke up and immediately urged Bolo to set up the laptop for me. So from bed, I went straight to the laptop and worked. The night before, I went straight from the laptop to bed as well. And I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. How could I not allot a little time for some morning prayer, just to express my gratitude for another day and to ask for blessings to help me through the day. And then it occured to me, if I make my work a loving sacrifice, then it'll serve as my prayer. If I make the hundred little things I do in a day, an offering to my God then the whole day would be filled with a hundred "little prayers" as well...

Not Some Faceless Stranger

I feel my heart being torn to pieces. I feel a part of me has died. But then I also realized that it had slowly started to die a long time ago. I also know that while it may hurt me so now, it had to stop. And it had to stop now.

Bolo walked out along with a few of his possessions. It is nothing new. There were episodes in the past that it was I who did the packing and the walking away. However, I knew that this time, it is different. This time there is a finality to it. This time I know I wouldn’t be coming after him in a few days time telling him I don’t want him back really but I needed someone to look after baby while I go to work.

That often worked in the past. He would welcome the excuse and would “offer” to watch baby while I go to the office and would tell me he would just “walk away” when I get back. Only, there wouldn’t be “no walking away.” Oh, he would walk away but only to get his stuff from the shop or his father’s house and bring them back home. This time, I’m just not so sure I want to figure in the same episode anymore.

In truth, I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. What they really said is true – one should really be careful about what one wishes for, as you might just get it. For a few months now I’ve really been contemplating about just ending the relationship. The fights have been going on for so long I don’t know if I’d still have some self-respect left if I just let it go on and on and on.

Our is an abusive relationship. I never wrote about it before because I don’t know how to deal with it. Well, come to think of it, I never wrote about it because I’ve been so caught up in trying to deal with it my own way. And as far as this kind of thing goes, there’s no easy way to deal with it.

Foremost, I wanted to save the marriage. I want to make it work for our son’s sake. Baby’s so attached to Bolo that there are times he’d wake up in the middle of the night crying out his Tatay’s name. There was one time when I sent Bolo packing and Baby ran out of the room only to come back with his own set of shirts and threw it along his Tatay’s pile of clothes. That was enough to make me rethink my decision.

Second, there was attachment. Of course. Bolo and I have come a long, long way and it wasn’t always bad. There were good times too and when I think about those times I would be made to believe that there is still hope for us. That we could still work it out.

But Bolo is a basketcase. He's far too flawed for my inept attempt at playing psychologist-cum-counselor. While he does listen and make subtle attempts at changing himself, his conditioning is far too ingrained to be reversed by a few minutes of soul-searching and deep conversations.

And I’m far too flawed myself to be able to deal with his drama unconditionally. I’m far too attached, too close to the situation to be able to detach myself and deal with the whole situation objectively. My own set of drama’s often gets in the way. More often than not, I’m torn between trying to be understanding and patient and pinpointing to him what he did wrong and how he could better himself – to reacting strongly to the “injustice” and abuse he threw at me.

More often than not, I choose to react and play along with his drama. Meet his fire with my own fire. In our case, it’s not that one strives to be cold while the other is hot. Always, it’s hot temper versus steaming indignation. And that is why the fight often turns ugly. So in actuality, I do Bolo more harm than good. I only fuel his own rage, not help him deal with it.

And where is Baby amidst all of these? If before it is Baby that makes me want to hold on to the relationship, now it’s also because of Baby why I just want to let things be.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how I deserve someone else, someone who would be returning my sacrifices and efforts in equal measure. Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about that faceless someone who would be my equal, who would see my value and worth for what it is; someone who would also be worthy to receive the same value and regard from me.

Deserve. If it comes to that, Baby and I deserve to be loved in full measure. It doesn’t have to be a perfect love but the kind that strives to always better itself for the sake of the loved ones. I know and declare that Baby and I deserve respect and high regard. I wouldn’t want to settle for what is less than that.

A little while back, in a moment of weakness, I wished that it wouldn’t have to be someone else. I wouldn’t want to love someone else other than Bolo. I wouldn’t want some faceless someone to share with me and my son a good life somewhere down the road. I would still want it to be Bolo – tamed, and better schooled and equipped at loving. Such as I would be better schooled and equipped at loving someone stripped of my own expectations and drama.

Just hurry up Tay, work at yourself, Baby and I will be waiting…

Again

I found Baby fast asleep on the bed and exhausted, I laid down next to him. His yaya was watching tv at the foot of the bed and I asked her what it was about. We were deep in conversation already when Baby stirred from his slumber, sat on the bed, looked at me in bewilderment and then just hugged me by my neck very tightly. I was so touched by his gesture I was teary-eyed. I hugged him back, trying to communicate to him that I missed him as much as he obviously missed me.

I’ve spent an overnight at the hospital. I’ve had my second miscarriage. Yes, again. I sensed Baby’s attachment to us his Tatay and Nanay ever since we got back from the trip that I really took care not to stay too long at the hospital. Unlike my previous experience wherein at the instant the doctor recommended for the D&C procedure I immediately had myself admitted, I begged my OB for a few more days. One, to attend to some work first and second, to soften the blow for Baby. Noticing how he clings to us these days I know that being away for three days and three nights would really be bad for him.

So I rode out the pain at home, endured the labor pangs up until I expelled what could have been another addition to our family. Having no medicines to sustain me this time, it was unexplainably painful. Almost as painful as I had with Baby before. Bolo and I were “scientific” about it at first, timing my contractions up to the last second but the pain got worse and worse up to a point when it was more intense and much more prolonged. At the latter stage it felt as is the pain would never stop that I was already crying from the sheer pain of it. Bolo was so concerned he scolded me for not going to the hospital much earlier.

I felt somewhat detached this time than I was the first time. But of course I'm still pained by all of it. I am still reeling from the loss of a promise, of a what-could-have-been. Of course I wanted this Baby, Bolo and I were looking forward to it. We were even excited to find out who it would resemble this time. We were hoping it would be a girl who looks exactly like me. I guess we'll never find out now, for sure...

Birthday Blog

"You make me lie down
In green pastures
You make me wanting for nothing..."

Don Moen crooned at 5 am in the morning, a day before my birthday, and I just felt the tears fall down my face. I realized how true it is in my life. He indeed makes me lie down in green pastures and make me wanting for nothing. Because, I do not even have to beg and implore Him so much but everything I've ever wanted He makes possible in my life. And what made me cry really is the realization that I have nothing to offer in return.

In an instant I was made to reflect on how I've lived my life the past year and I felt so ashamed at my own brokenness. I am far from perfect, I've always known this but over the past years, I know I've left my God wanting... wanting for me to be more mindful of my actions, to be more mindful of my own becoming than I am.

I've been guilty of being too preoccupied with the minute details of my life that... No, it's not even that... it's more of being too caught up with the little dramas going on in my life that I totally lost sight of the far bigger picture. And God is in the far bigger picture... Too caught up in the drama's I also unwittingly allowed myself to become petty, bitter, childish... Oh, there were a hundred and one moments wherein I would find myself in-tuned with Him but they were so few and far in between compared to how I seem to have devoted all my time and energy in being a little less than I should be.

With everything He had done in my life -- giving me the desires of my heart -- I weep at the thought that I am not able to return the favor. There He is, ever so faithful -- still being the ultimate "Event Organizer" in my life, making all things possible no matter how impossible it may seem to me -- and yet here I am with nothing to offer but my own imperfections and brokenness.

This trip for example. I've been so worried about not meeting its "budgetary requirements." But again, like magic, just as I had been so concerned about not being able to buy Bolo and the kid's ticket, CP had a zero fare promo so the usual 7000++ ticket per person was suddenly slashed down to 2,000 each. No, it was even just 1998. Imagine that. I was sorry I bought mine, Mama and Mama Fely's ticket ahead of time (it had been a promo rate as well but way, way expensive) but I was just so overwhelmed with the sudden blessing that I felt nothing but awe and gratitude. And then, when the date of our departure was near, I got worried again about having enough pocket money. I was so concerned about being short in cash. Guess what happened? I got a shot at a documentation job that proved to be such a blessing in so many ways. Aside from the fact that it gave me enough renumeration for pocket money, it was also such a learning experience. It had all the perks -- I was happy at being given the chance to work again for peace in Mindanao; got an overnight stay at Marco Polo with my son, upon the urging of the organizer; the exchanges at the workshop was so wonderful that I got to learn so much... it was the perfect pre-birthday gift...

And on the day of my birthday itself, I am in Bora with my Mom and family. I had cake from the hubby. I had crabs... I was too caught up with meeting deadlines and spending time with my family that I totally lost sight of Him amidst all of it. Oh I was grateful. I was but the whole of me was not really into it. I went to church, lighted some candles but wasn't even able to pray much because I was already thinking of the cooking that had to be done when we get back to our hotel.

But yeah, still, He found me. He did not gave up on me and gave me this time as well where I thought of nothing but Him and all He represents in my life. I woke up early, went straight to my computer and worked, foregone praying altogether. And then I remembered about the gospel songs in my laptop...

I keep saying this, how I am still very much a work in progress still I don't want to hide behind this excuse anymore. True, I may still be very much a work in progress but I want to be conscious about my part in this as well. My life is God's gift to me, what I do with it is my gift to Him. I pray that at the end of it all I'd be able to weep not out of shame but out of knowing that I did my best in working at the unfolding of my own truth and that it is not my brokenness that I am laying down His feet but a wholeness borne out of my conscious effort at working for it.

Air Supply!!!

We almost did not make it to the concert. The car wasn’t out of the shop yet since it had continuously rainethe past days they could not get the paint job done. So Bolo and I had to take the taxi. But then it rained so hard so it was difficult to hail one. We came to a point that we decided to take a jeep instead up until we get to an area where it’s easier to get a cab. And so that’s what we did. All of a sudden the jeep broke down. So Bolo texted a friend who offered us a ride earlier but whom we turned down since we wanted to make it to the concert on time. We had to wait a bit and I was growing anxious by the minute.

And we thought that was the end of our worries. When we got to the venue, guess what happened to us? They held us out at the entrance. We were refused entry since they said, the venue was already overloaded. I know I should have felt annoyed but I was really finding the whole thing very funny. It seems to me that I have again become the subject of amusement for the fates. If they think the whole thing would make me grow mad and irritated well, they are wrong. I’ve gone past feeling that when some mishaps occur. Even from way, way back.

One thing I learned, no amount of irritation, filling your head with negative thoughts, could change how things are. If anything, they could only drag you down. From early on, I already learned the value of “not” crying over spilled milk. Tears would be pretty useless anyway. They wouldn’t replace the milk that was spilled, for sure. So every time something like this happens, I would usually find the whole thing amusing. I’m picturing God laughing over me with a naughty glint in His eye and so I would return the gesture and that is by seeing the humor behind all of it.

Anyway, so there we were. It was quite an experience really. Since there were a lot of us refused entry, there was much commotion. Some feigned irritation at the guards. Some pretended to be really angry just to scare the guards to let us in. And we were running late already. I was relaxed though, awaiting how the entire experience would unfold. But finally we were allowed in.

Bolo and I raced towards the venue’s gates. Upon entrance, guess what was the first thing I heard? Russel Hitchcock’s voice crooning, “There’s a chance you will be there, please be there alone. Let me speak of love… The chances are too strong. The chance you will be there….” I was definitely floored and disappointed all at the same time. Air Supply singing that song in the concert was what I was looking forward to. It was my “favoritist” among all of their songs. I was disappointed because I had pictured so many times in my head that I will be seated there in the dark, having goosebumps all over me the instant I would recognize the intro of the song. That’s what happened to me when JFC sang, “Gone Too Far” during his recent concert here.

But the rest of the night sure made it up for me. We were awfully late. I was downhearted upon finding out that the concert started on time. They usually don’t and so I did not worry much about the delay we’ve encountered. But as it is, it seemed that the fates finally favored me. There were no more available seats but lo and behold, Bolo managed to secure us a spot directly opposite the stage. We weren’t that near but the visuals was really great, we were at almost the same level as the stage so it was pretty awesome. When both artists went down to the audience singing one of my favorites – “Here I Am,” I nearly fainted. I could not imagine for the love of me, how that could possibly happen. There they were, artists you listened to while growing up, you loved their songs, you played them all day long in your guitar, you buy their tapes and CDs and you love them, period. And there they were, and the possibility of touching them. Hah! What more could one ask?!

But of course I wasn’t able to touch them hehehe. Not Russel nor Graham but the thought of them giving such once in a lifetime experience to the number of fans out there who were lucky enough to touch them firsthand, was enough to overwhelm me. I was grateful for them and their experience. I could only imagine how they were feeling but I empathized so much I felt then that it was also happening to me. I was really kicking myself for not wanting such an experience for myself. I turned to Bolo and told him, it did not happen to me because I did not ask for it. But who would anyway? Who would have thought that an international artist such as them would be brave enough to go down to the audience and let them touch them? I’ve been to a number of concerts but that was the first time I witnessed an international artist do so.

The music was great. The concert was great. It was fun seeing persons of all ages filling the venue to the brim. Some were dressed to the nines, others very casually. At one point, Bolo and I were even surprised when a mother and her baby of about 1 year old joined us in our little nook. I mean, a baby, really?! She was on her socks still. Hehehe

I knew all songs by heart that at the end of the concert, I was hoarse from singing out loud. It was a great night. There was something dreamlike about seeing a band -- you only listened to in the past and was a great part of your life – first-hand. I can’t wait to have more of the same : )

"Dancer"

The family went on a weekend vacation at Tatay Along’s place in Butuan last May. The kids, particularly Baby, had a field day. It’s Baby’s first visit to a farm and he was so delighted to see first-hand all those things he gets to read only in books. He particularly took a liking to a cute, little piglet that run about freely around Tatay’s yard. There was also a hen and her chicks, some dogs and cats. But what really excited him were the carabaos. And surprising enough, he calls them “dancer.”

For a month now I’ve really been wondering how he happens to associate the word, “dancer” with a carabao. Of course, I readily corrected him then, repeating again and again, it is a carabao. And soon enough he was calling it a carabao. But then after a while, when he’d see one, he’d point at it and would say, “Nanay, look, dancer.” And I was like, “Huh?” I could not for the love of me understand why the term. I was thinking he probably saw it in Disney Channel or in one of his cartoon shows. I even asked him about it if he saw a “dancing” carabao in Disney Channel but he just looked at me in a strange way as if asking himself if he’s Nanay had turned nuts on him wahehehe.

And then last, night, the puzzle was solved at last. I was really beside myself with laughter when Baby ran to me from the other room to show me the new pajamas his Lola Linda bought him. He came to me running, saying, “Nanay, dancer! Dancer!” And lo and behold, there it was, a pair of Carter pajamas with “DINOSAUR” prints on them! Hahaha! So that was what “dancer” was about. Baby mistook a carabao for a dinosaur! Hahaha! How cute of him. Dancer indeed!

I think it’s really cute how good Baby is with his animals and all of that. I think I’m also pleased with the fact that he takes interests in dinosaurs. I used to like them too when I was little but I did not have the patience to really know them all by heart. I knew a T-Rex though and that long-necked “vegetarian” kind, the name of which, escapes me at the moment. But other than that, I always confuse my “saurs” and my “clops,” whatever hehehe. Now, I’m thinking if it’s high time to buy baby those dinosaur books or cards with all the names on them. Wouldn’t want to put much pressure though where his learning is concerned.

Of course I want Baby to grow up smart and intelligent. We pray for that everyday. But I wouldn’t want to be the kind of Mom who forces things down my son’s throat just because I have such grandiose designs for him and his life. I would very much want to be the kind of Mom who would be sensitive enough to pay attention to his own rhythms and flow. I want to have an active part in his life – helping him along, “molding” him ever so carefully to help him achieve his full potential. At the same time, I want to be an attentive spectator, watching him, holding my breath as he unfolds right under my very eyes. I am excited to learn about his own personality, his own sanskaras and what his “message” would be in this world.

My son, all that he is, and all that he will be, is something that is far beyond my grasp or undoing. I maybe his mother and as such, is responsible for him in many ways but at the same time I acknowledge the fact that like me, he is also the Father’s “masterpiece.” God has His own plans and designs for him and that is something far beyond “me.” Controlling his life in the perspective of my own “grandiose” designs and illusions would be like committing a mortal sin. It would be like disregarding altogether the Hand that made all things be. And I pray that He will help me along on this -- to constantly remind me of this fact -- that I am just a ward, a guardian in my son’s life. I should lighten up a bit and not take my role as his mother too seriously. After all, I am not in control of everything. HE is.

"Credit"

I sat at the edge of the bed, feeling a lot of emotions all at once. I was frustrated, disappointed, angry, and upset. It was one of those moments when I would ask myself whether I made the right decision for choosing Bolo to be my other “half.” Yup, there are definitely moments like that. One thing I learned about being married is that it isn’t everyday that you will feel thankful that you are married. Haha! Every now and then there are moments when I would ask myself what I was thinking the day I decided to get married. Haha!

It’s pretty much like climbing really. Right when you’re in the middle of an eight-hour long trek. Your shoes are heavy with mud; the trail is getting steeper and more difficult; and what was once a comfortable pack begins to weigh heavily down your shoulders and back. At that point you would certainly ask what made you forsake the comforts of your home and bed to haul yourself up to be in the middle of a mountain and endure hours and hours of walking while carrying not-so-few kilos on your back.

In mountaineering, however, past experiences would tell you that a glorious view at the peak would make all the sacrifices worth it. You knew that after the entire long, hard trek, the view at the top would make up for all that you’ve endured. Nothing sure beats the feeling of being up there, looking down in all of God’s creation. As long as one’s eye could see.

In marriage, well, it is a lifelong commitment, and a lifelong journey. This meant that the “peak” is nowhere around any immediate corner. One had to “travel” a lifetime before one reaches the peak. So who knows what awaits us there? What are the sights to behold? And what are the emotions that would course through us once we reach the summit of married life?

But I’m digressing again. I only wanted to write about a recent incident wherein Bolo and I fought again over a minute little detail. Sometime soon, to celebrate my birthday and our anniversary (and also to treat mama to a long overdue vacation), we are going on a family travel. Well, it had been a tradition of ours to travel at least once a year as a family. It is something we look forward to every year.

Anyway, I’ve been moving heaven and earth just to make sure everything would fit within our budget. Since this time, there wouldn’t just be the three of us. Mama, Janin and Mama Fely will be joining us. Having Mama and Janin meant additional expense of course. It meant extra air fare, extra terminal fees, extra bus fares and other incidentals. Not that I really mind it at all. If I could have my way, I’d bestow on Mama all the luxury that she truly deserves. But as it is, reality entails, Bolo and I could only afford so much.

So I’ve really been surfing the net overtime the past few months, looking for ways and options wherein we could save. I was lucky enough to have found a cheap accommodation due to some recommendation of a friend (Thanks Ruf! :)). Anyway, the reservation entails that I have to make a deposit to their Allied Bank account. Credit card would not do since there are additional charges.

Now, here’s why we quarreled. Bolo was set to go to Bankerohan for some ukay rendezvous. I had to be at the office the whole day. I had no time to flit off and go to the bank which is so totally out of the way. Allied Bank, however, is close to where Bankerohan is. So it makes so much sense to have Bolo go to the bank and make the deposit. But he would not.

There he was lying at the other side of the bed, covering his face with a pillow and like a spoiled child stubbornly told me he isn’t going to make the transaction. I was angry and felt so incredulous I swear I could have done something more than just seethe there in silence. No amount of cajoling would want him to do it. I tried drama by crying, appealing to his hopefully-present-merciful-side by pointing out to him that it’ll be much of an inconvenience for me. Then I tried bullying, trying to throw a fit just so he would agree to do it. When that did not work, I got rude and pointed out to him he only had to “deposit” and not bother about… well… looking for the funds to be deposited.

I’m not in the least proud of this. And this is certainly ugly but I was really disappointed that he refused to do it. That he wouldn’t mind if I had to go through all the hassles when he could do it himself. Anyway, finally getting ashamed of myself for having resorted to the lowest trick on the book, I tried diplomacy. I mustered all the patience I could get and assured him I’ll try my best to provide him with all the information he needed – the account details, the address, etc. I told him I would write everything so clearly so he wouldn’t have to commit a mistake.

Finally, I got to him and he stood up and stomped his way out of the bedroom muttering something to my face. It was a full sentence but all I could hear was the word, “credit.” It was hard to miss since he kept repeating the word. It was only when I followed him downstairs that I understood what he meant by “credit.”

I was lucky enough to have secured a deposit slip from Allied Bank since that is where Mama Fely keeps a checking account. I knew pretty well that his reluctance to do the transaction was Allied Bank being different from PS Bank and Banco De Oro. What both banks had in common is that he often transacts there for me. So he’s pretty much familiar with the forms and all that. Allied Bank, however, was a new one. Haaay. What is it with guys, anyway? Their being so scared about asking questions when they don’t know what to do about something? :p

I patiently explained to him that I already wrote down the account details of the hotel in the sample deposit slip. I pointed out to him, however, that since he’s making an inter-branch transaction, he’d probably be asked to fill up another sort of form. I reassured him that it shouldn’t bother him since all the details needed would be in the sample deposit slip. I reassured him there is nothing so scary about all of it actually and that he could always ask questions if ever he is unsure of anything. Then his reply totally made me smile. He told me in not so many words that yeah he is willing to do the transaction himself. What he is upset about is that his efforts would not again be “credited,” that it’s as if he did nothing at all. I was amused and sad all at the same time.

So that was what he meant by “credit.’ It saddened me to think that I’ve probably been not vocal about my appreciation for all the little things he did for me. Well, not as much as I’ve been so vocal about his “misdeeds” and shortcomings to me. In hindsight, our first year had seen me always vocal about my appreciation for him. I would often text him my “thank you’s” for taking care of our son, for his doing errands for my Mom. Come to think of it, “thank you’s” then were often exchanged between the two of us. I could distinctly recall a touching incident wherein Bolo turned to me and thanked me for bearing him his son… Now I wonder where all of that have gone to.

Have I become so petty? So shortsighted? Or is there also some “lack” in his part that made me become one? Was it the “injectibles”? Post-partum blues? Stress? Feeling of discontent? Or all of the above? I think these are things that I ought to seriously think about. If there is one thing I learned from the incident it is that appreciation sure could go a long, long way in any relationship. It will always be a good company to keep rather than constant fault-finding and petty quarrels over nothing that serious really. Ah, this, I should keep in mind. Always.