In Transit: Some serious musings...

Where am I? Where am I heading? It used to be that I could squarely face these questions without feeling any qualms whatsoever. But right now, I'm feeling somewhat warry, almost defensive even. Not just because I don't quite know the answers to these questions. Why, how many times have I asked myself the same questions in the past and couldn't come up with a certain answer? More often than not, I had general answers like -- "I'm heading towards the unfolding of my own truth..." There were times when the answers I come up with are less "profound" than that. It didn't matter. Because, I was confident then.

I was confident then that I am indeed headed towards that: the fulfillment of my being. My faith had been firm, unshaken. So why the "warriness" now? I'm not really sure why. I just know that there's this "fear" I feel in the pit of my stomach when I had started to ask myself those questions earlier. I felt myself floundering, grasping for some solid answers to these questions.

But true indeed, I am heading towards my own perfection. I am headed towards the unfolding of my own truth. And right now, I'm feeling as if I'm at a very difficult stage where that is concerned.

There, I've finally written that. Having done so, I know I've just made myself face a reality I try so hard not to face.

I am shackled. If before, I've soared, flit and flew towards my own becoming, right now I'm feeling as if I'm being shackled to the ground. The saddest part is, I know it's of my own doing. Maybe I could even say I've done the "shackling" of me, myself.

Choice. It was my choice. If I feel "limited" as of the moment, if I feel "wingless" and quite unable to fly, it is due mainly to me. Because I chose to be so. It is I who had made that decision.

Looking back, the universe had been so kind all these time in providing me with lee-ways and avenues for "breaking away." How many times have I found myself at a point wherein I have to decide whether to take the next step or not? And how have I decided? I chose to embrace the chain -- shackles and all. Why? I'm not sure why. Maybe because... maybe because I have forgotten what it is that I really want.

Maybe because I was once at a point in my life when I just had to grab at what's there and what's at-hand. No matter if I had to settle for less, trade a little of those that I really value... Because then, I couldn't wait. My need had been immediate. It was urgent. Come face to face with death, I had to grab at anything that resembles life. Then, I couldn't wait for the real thing. To do so would have meant my own death.

In my grief I had been inconsolable. The "promise" of what is to come could not comfort me. I wanted, needed a hand to hold mine as I grieved. I needed a warm, solid hand to hold on to, not a promise of some distant future where I'd be "finally" held as I wanted and needed to.

Arrgh... too many issues to settle still. If I have to dig at them one by one, I don't think my energy would be able to sustain me at the moment. Sigh. Too many obstacles to hurdle still up ahead. Such a difficult, uphill climb I am in. One thing is for sure, though -- I want to be free again. I want to be able to flit and fly again -- soar towards my own becoming.

So, first things first, I needed to remind myself of the things that I really want and value. For only in doing so would I be able to chart my own course again. To get to where I want to be, I need to have a map. To get there in the shortest, most efficient way, I need to have a "very clear" map. And so, I just would have to be really truthful even if it would mean leaving myself open to hurt in the process. After all, being truthful with oneself doesn't always come easy.

Give some things up. I know deep down this is the main reason why I've not been into retrospection lately. I didn't want to have to give some things up. I guess I just had to make certain decisions, reassess my life and the things I truly value. I'm not quite sure whether I'll be courageous enough to choose the things that would really matter. My heart just might fail me. But if I really have to fulfill my own, personal legend then I just have to make sure, don't I, that this would not happen?

So what are the things I value? Truth. Freedom. Becoming. Faith. Love. Wisdom. Respect. Life. A full, meaningful life.

And then he called

I thought I will have trouble sleeping following what happened. But the whole ordeal actually left me exhausted. The pain had been so raw I felt as if my heart was being broken into pieces. "Break-up" scenes was something that is not new to us. Having disagreements is something that takes place almost everyday. That is how "different" we are from each other. There were always little things that lead to disagreements. But more often than not, we always did manage to patch things up. But last night was different. There was finality to it. That was why it was so painful for me. I knew immediately that this time, it was for real.

Almost three years.It had been three years of being constantly together. We see each other almost everyday except when I'm on a travel because of work, or when he is. So, it was three years of having shared experiences -- being partners in activities, hobbies, travel... For three years we shared each other's life, pains, disappointments, problems, triumphs and successes. It was not easy to throw all that.

And then he called....

And so we broke up.

For a long time, I couldn't write anything else but the above title. I don't know what to think or feel for that matter. It's as if my whole body grew numb I couldn't even begin to think of the pain. I'm thinking, "THIS is a painful experience!" and I know underneath this numbness is a pain so raw that I couldn't begin to think about it. I feel as if my whole body just switched into "automatic shutdown." It's as if my body suspended everything in anticipation for the pain it is about to feel...

It's funny really, it's as if my mind and body are having some kind of a debate of sorts... My head is saying, "Hey, feel something! This is supposed to be painful!" And yet my body just refuse to respond...

Ah... now I feel it... Pain. So raw. In waves, washing over me...

Confused.

No, I'm not really. It's just that the spat that started last night spilled over to today. I'm really getting tired of this. We would fight. This would lead to me, harboring those doubts again about continuing the relationship or not. And then, we would kiss and make up. Then all the doubts would be erased again. I would be convinced again that the relationship is as it should be. But my God, when will this ever end? I'm wondering whether quarrelling is really just a part of having a relationship and thus, I shouldn't be that upset whenever we do have some disagreements. That it shouldn't be such a big deal. But really, I am getting so tired about all of these.

Looking deeper into the situation, I couldn't quite pinpoint what's the root of all these quarrelling. I was just about to write "misunderstanding," but with us, that has never been the case. Since we understood alright. I know what I want and he too knows what he wants. The quarrelling is not about misreading what the other meant. It's about clashed preferences and values. I guess that is the problem with us. We both know what we want and neither is quite willing to make the compromise. Oh, we do make the compromises, shortly after we would realize that among those things that we know we want, is that we also want to be together still. But the compromising would be done with some reluctance. Pride would kick in, a bit of misgiving is shown even though we are already making the effort of meeting half-way. Actually, the pride bit is fear talking, really. I'm just starting to realize this now.

In control. That's where the problem lies. We're both strong personalities (weak, actually if one would think about it). We both want to be in control of the situation, of the relationship, of our feelings... That's where the "reluctance" and the show of pride really stems from. Comprising mean, relinquishing a bit of that control, a bit of a stepping out of one's comfort zone. Compromising mean, I'm letting the other person have a bit of that "control." This is where the "fear" sets in. The "misgiving" shown when compromising is done, is really just for a show. It's to mask a fear that the other might guess he really has the control over me...

Ah! Is love supposed to be like this? Does one have to be in constant fear of the significant other? I read somewhere that love is about letting go, throwing caution into the wind and then plunging head on into it... I guess, to do just that one has to overcome a bit of the fear of being hurt... one could hardly take the plunge if he's constantly thinking of being hurt in the process... Oh, it's going to hurt alright. Not just on the possibility of the other hurting you... But also because, as you strive to make a relationship work with the other, you make some compromises along the way. You would be called on to relinquish a bit of your "control." There would be times when you have to forget a bit about yourself. You would realize that this time, it's not just about "you," but it's about the other too. So, what's involve really, is some sort of a "stepping out" of the self... And that, is going to hurt alright...

Loving is like dancing

Ah... love. I have yet much to learn where this is concerned. I have yet to learn how not to hold it too tightly... to have less expectations... I'm usually a fast-learner but where this is concerned, I take a step forward then move back two steps...

I have yet to perfect my steps. But I'm there. I know I'm getting there. Only, if I'll keep my mind open all the time, keep remembering I'm here to learn a few lessons about loving.

Loving... dance... Loving is like dancing really. It has its own rythm, its own beat... As for the steps required, I have yet to "perfect" my skills on that. Upto now, I still fumble and miss a few steps here and there. Sometimes, I hurt myself in the process -- I step on my own toes, or on the other's toes... I don't know which of the two really hurts the most...

Closing a chapter and moving on

Some trivia first -- what is to follow is an entry I have written while I was in Manila, in August of 2004. This is the journal entry I was referring to in yesterday's blog. Just to make it clear -- these are my feelings then. And I'm not sure if they are still my feelings now. As I've said, this is still very much an unfinished business. Well, sort of. And as such, whether I like it or not, it is an issue I thought I have already dealt with but apparently am still dealing with now...

Rewritten from a backpage of the
"work" notebook I brought with me
while in training in Manila
August 12, 2004
Thursday
1:11 p.m.
DAP Hall, Pasig

Where am I? Last night and this morning, I had been very restless. Last night, I found it hard to fall asleep. I am realizing a lot of things about myself. I am being made to face how confused I am. I've already realized this in the past. And I'm being made aware of this again -- I don't know what I want. This is the reason why when confronted by something "good," I'd take it to mean something else, misread signals, see meaning when in actuality there really isn't.

I am remembering a lot of things. Being here in Manila is bringing a lot of memories to the surface. I am remembering Clod and our moments here in the city. Last night, we passed by the Dunking Donut store where we had our last breakfast together.

Last. So sad this word is. At that time he had laid down his options and plans to me. In hindsight, I see how he himself was not quite "convinced" with what he's saying. Maybe deep down he already knew that we are not seeing those plans through... Maybe he felt like I did that the relationship was really coming to an end... And that he was actually just going through the motions of talking about plans because that was what he had intended from the start. That was what that visit was for, supposedly. We were supposed to talk about our plans for "us," lay down our cards... But sadly, it was all academic really...

The relationship coming to an end. Surprisingly, I am at peace with this thought. The relationship has ended. There is no more an "us." There would not be any plans to pursue anymore...

Am I sad? About all these? How am I feeling, running all of these in my mind? Am I sad? I'm not sure. Am I? Well, there are no tears. My heart is not feeling as if it's being split into two either... But ya, I am a bit sad... Maybe at some level, I am sad because things could no longer be. I guess I mourn for a future that was not given a chance to blossom. I mourn the "death" of a part of my life that would not again be. I am closing a chapter of my life and moving on to the next. I am mourning for that part of me.

Moving on. I am moving on. There is no other way but just to move on. I could cry buckets of tears but I know I couldn't bring the past back. So there's no choice left but to move forward. And I have to admit that I am more relieved to move on. I don't have to be dragged where moving on is concerned. I guess I am more than just willing to take that first step forward...

Letting Go

(August 10, 2004

10:35 PM

My room, Linden Suites Ortigas)

The city breathes you.

It speaks to me

of a past I thought

I have already forgotten.

It awakens memories

I have already burried,

reminding me of things

I'm not sure I still want to remember...

Finally Able to Breathe

There! emailed the proposal and its attachments finally. Almost five days of slaving over it - including weekends - and I'm about to burst at the seams. Hehe not really but I found myself quite irritated at someone I worked with this morning that I knew that the stress is showing. Fortunately, I was able to check myself immediately. I was quick at dismissing the feeling. I remember telling myself, I should not feel that way at all. I reminded myself, I ought to be more patient... And thank God I was. Had I given in to the feeling, I know I would have regretted it by now. And now, the work is done. Now, I have time to do this and some more musings that I've been wanting to do but was just real busy with work.

The whole time last week, there were things I really want to think over and write about. While we were working on the proposal last week, I was scribbling down some notes in my "work" notebook when I came across some old "thoughtful" writings at the back of the pad. They were journal entries - my thoughts written down while I spent a few days in Manila, September of last year.

Manila. I wouldn't be surprised if I had been real "thoughtful" while over there. One, I had had the time. Being away from the usual work routine, my mind and well, soul was able to enjoy some breathing space. I was there on a training... It was a welcome break. Second, well, the place holds too many memories... so much so that I was even able to write a poem or two about it then. And admittedly, those memories were pretty much tied to something that's not really totally "resolved."

Some loose ends. Yeah, that was what that entry was about. They were some scribblings about my feelings towards that "unfinished business." The feelings were a bit raw and reading it, no matter how busy I was with work then, somewhat affected me. Well, I guess that is to be expected. Things like that really have some way of creeping at you now matter where you are and what state you are in... "Unfinished" nga kasi eh.

Hmm... I'm toying with the idea of putting that particular entry over here also. And some old writings of mine... I probably will... And I'll keep the date on those entries, including the time... so they'd probably fall under the "Archives" already... hmm...

Drowning

Yup! "literally" drowning. That is, drowning in letters. Huh! See-sawing between two proposals and then a resource person for another project also dropped by for a quick meeting. Sigh! Now I'm drowning.... up to my neck in work. (And yet I'm doing this, huh? Well to keep me sane, that is). The words are starting to swim before my eyes. So I just have to take this break... rest my brain a bit. Now back to work...

Taking a Break

Hmm... just came in from a meeting. Actually, it's more of a brainstorming activity. We're working on this proposal. Pretty interesting. So much so that I could feel my adrenaline rising. Funny, it's as if I'm on a climb or participating in a race. I feel pretty much this way when I'm engaged in those two activities. Hmm... it must be because like those two, preparing this proposal is also very much like a challenge.

It is challenging all right. At the start of the meeting - before my brain had started humming and seen the possibilities for the project - I was like saying to myself, "Hohum... could I possibly get out of this? I have another project to think of and take care of at the moment." But all that changed when I started digging in the data. The project is interesting. I like it a lot in fact. I just wish we'll win during the bidding. But what the heck? For this "high" I'm feeling? It's enough. Whether we get it or not is beyond my control. What is within my control, however, is coming up with a good proposal. One that has soul and heart and commitment in it. Hehe That would probably be too much =) After all, the basis for winning the bidding would be on the technical aspect of the proposal. I guess, I just would have to see to it that we would be able to do just that. What is beyond my control then is whether or not I put in a good work in doing this proposal. Rest assured, I'll try my best. But hey, the heart, soul and commitment bit? For sure, I'll be putting in that too... But that would be something only my God will see =)

And so it flows...

Ever since I had decided to take up writing again, the words just seem to flow. It's as if a great dam has been broken. Upon reaching home, the urge to have some quiet moments with myself would come, making me forget about tv and preferring to settle instead next to my CD player, playing some music that somehow encourages me to pick up my pen and start to write.

Pen in hand. Whether cooped up in my bed, or facing a wonderful view, having a pen in hand and being lost in my thoughts has always been a welcome respite from my usual, well, "hectic" schedule. I remember having this entry in my journal - "Ah! This is life! Pen in hand, lost in thought..." That pretty much sums it all up.

I'm supposed to be doing some real writing at the moment. This time, of the technical kind. Well, for work, that is. But I just can't seem to get around doing it. I have finished with a few paragraphs already. Actually, I've been surfing the net precisely for the reason of researching for that particular paper. Then, one thing led to another and here I am hehe

Well, for sure, writing down my thoughts, getting in touch with myself and the musings of my soul is a lot easier than doing a technical paper on something you hardly have enough information of. Excuses, excuses... hehe but this is indeed true. Well, at least for me. I know for some people, it's easier to write about something that's neutral and detached than to write about one's feelings and thoughts.

Self-awareness. I wrote about this and how it's very important to me, last night. Hmm... maybe this is also the reason why I like to write. Or, come to think of it, maybe all that musing and wanting to get to know the self had led me into committing all of those stuff into paper. I guess, it just follows. I think, search for answers, try to get to know myself a lot better... then the urge to write would come. Why? Since, somehow, writing down my thoughts lend me some kind of a structure. Somehow, my "wonderings" become less of a "wandering" of thoughts when I do write them down. Writing helps me have focus on what I'm really feeling, or really thinking. Compared to just staring blankly into space. Hmm... that would be real eerie. I don't think those I live with at home would be comfortable looking at me staring blankly at nothing for hours. As it is, it is sometimes difficult to explain why I'd rather be cooped up in a corner with a pen in my hand than sit with them while they watch tv. I already seem "weird"to them as it is. Not that I really mind.

Reacquaintance

Spending time with myself. Getting reacquainted... Having some quiet moments... probing, listening, familiarizing myself once again with my own personal rythms...

In the course of not writing, I have lost touch with myself. The self-awareness I have valued so much in the past and worked so hard before to achieve was somewhat set aside.

Opps... been quite nicely interrupted. Gilbert called. Talked about shoes and e-mail addresses. "Ta..."

So where was I? Ah, self-awareness. Right, this was set aside when I stopped writing. And I'm taking it up once again. And it's making me feel good...

Nah, not really...

I was wrong. I STILL feel so much. Listening to Noel Cabangon's and Joey A's CD for PBSP and I am remembering once again my spirit, my soul...

I feel so much for Mindanao... I feel so much for the environment... I feel so much for others... especially those who are in the direnest need. I just wish I would begin taking steps towards doing something about these feelings, translating them into actions...

Numbed

I'm waiting for Bee to pick me up. I'm actually doing this standing up. I was just thinking of how I'd started writing again...

I'm trying to recall those moments when I used to feel so much, care so much about almost everything in life (If not everything!). I was so passionate then, so opinionated about things. Little things could affect me, big time. And I had so much compassion then.

Then? I am really that "less" compassionate these days? Sadly? Yes.

Trying Out My First Blog

Or did I get it right? Does, "my first blog" sound just right or not? Hehe Whatever... "Blog" is a word that's quite new to my vocabulary though I've read and heard about it for months now. And I'm not quite sure how to treat it as a word... hehe

But enought of that... It hardly matters anyway... What matters is that I've been real looking forward to this kind of venue ever since I could remember... Journaling or should I say, writing, has always been a personal passion. And sometimes, the urge to share some of my thoughts and ideas comes...

So this is my first entry. I hope more is to come... I've abandoned writing for almost a year now. Maybe even, two. I took it up again just recently. Having started again, I began to remember why I feel so strongly about writing before. I hope I could still weave the same magic I used to in the past. But even that hardly matters. After all, I'm not writing to bring about some magic. I write because it is such an integral part of who I am. I write, just to be.