Confused.

No, I'm not really. It's just that the spat that started last night spilled over to today. I'm really getting tired of this. We would fight. This would lead to me, harboring those doubts again about continuing the relationship or not. And then, we would kiss and make up. Then all the doubts would be erased again. I would be convinced again that the relationship is as it should be. But my God, when will this ever end? I'm wondering whether quarrelling is really just a part of having a relationship and thus, I shouldn't be that upset whenever we do have some disagreements. That it shouldn't be such a big deal. But really, I am getting so tired about all of these.

Looking deeper into the situation, I couldn't quite pinpoint what's the root of all these quarrelling. I was just about to write "misunderstanding," but with us, that has never been the case. Since we understood alright. I know what I want and he too knows what he wants. The quarrelling is not about misreading what the other meant. It's about clashed preferences and values. I guess that is the problem with us. We both know what we want and neither is quite willing to make the compromise. Oh, we do make the compromises, shortly after we would realize that among those things that we know we want, is that we also want to be together still. But the compromising would be done with some reluctance. Pride would kick in, a bit of misgiving is shown even though we are already making the effort of meeting half-way. Actually, the pride bit is fear talking, really. I'm just starting to realize this now.

In control. That's where the problem lies. We're both strong personalities (weak, actually if one would think about it). We both want to be in control of the situation, of the relationship, of our feelings... That's where the "reluctance" and the show of pride really stems from. Comprising mean, relinquishing a bit of that control, a bit of a stepping out of one's comfort zone. Compromising mean, I'm letting the other person have a bit of that "control." This is where the "fear" sets in. The "misgiving" shown when compromising is done, is really just for a show. It's to mask a fear that the other might guess he really has the control over me...

Ah! Is love supposed to be like this? Does one have to be in constant fear of the significant other? I read somewhere that love is about letting go, throwing caution into the wind and then plunging head on into it... I guess, to do just that one has to overcome a bit of the fear of being hurt... one could hardly take the plunge if he's constantly thinking of being hurt in the process... Oh, it's going to hurt alright. Not just on the possibility of the other hurting you... But also because, as you strive to make a relationship work with the other, you make some compromises along the way. You would be called on to relinquish a bit of your "control." There would be times when you have to forget a bit about yourself. You would realize that this time, it's not just about "you," but it's about the other too. So, what's involve really, is some sort of a "stepping out" of the self... And that, is going to hurt alright...