Closing a chapter and moving on

Some trivia first -- what is to follow is an entry I have written while I was in Manila, in August of 2004. This is the journal entry I was referring to in yesterday's blog. Just to make it clear -- these are my feelings then. And I'm not sure if they are still my feelings now. As I've said, this is still very much an unfinished business. Well, sort of. And as such, whether I like it or not, it is an issue I thought I have already dealt with but apparently am still dealing with now...

Rewritten from a backpage of the
"work" notebook I brought with me
while in training in Manila
August 12, 2004
Thursday
1:11 p.m.
DAP Hall, Pasig

Where am I? Last night and this morning, I had been very restless. Last night, I found it hard to fall asleep. I am realizing a lot of things about myself. I am being made to face how confused I am. I've already realized this in the past. And I'm being made aware of this again -- I don't know what I want. This is the reason why when confronted by something "good," I'd take it to mean something else, misread signals, see meaning when in actuality there really isn't.

I am remembering a lot of things. Being here in Manila is bringing a lot of memories to the surface. I am remembering Clod and our moments here in the city. Last night, we passed by the Dunking Donut store where we had our last breakfast together.

Last. So sad this word is. At that time he had laid down his options and plans to me. In hindsight, I see how he himself was not quite "convinced" with what he's saying. Maybe deep down he already knew that we are not seeing those plans through... Maybe he felt like I did that the relationship was really coming to an end... And that he was actually just going through the motions of talking about plans because that was what he had intended from the start. That was what that visit was for, supposedly. We were supposed to talk about our plans for "us," lay down our cards... But sadly, it was all academic really...

The relationship coming to an end. Surprisingly, I am at peace with this thought. The relationship has ended. There is no more an "us." There would not be any plans to pursue anymore...

Am I sad? About all these? How am I feeling, running all of these in my mind? Am I sad? I'm not sure. Am I? Well, there are no tears. My heart is not feeling as if it's being split into two either... But ya, I am a bit sad... Maybe at some level, I am sad because things could no longer be. I guess I mourn for a future that was not given a chance to blossom. I mourn the "death" of a part of my life that would not again be. I am closing a chapter of my life and moving on to the next. I am mourning for that part of me.

Moving on. I am moving on. There is no other way but just to move on. I could cry buckets of tears but I know I couldn't bring the past back. So there's no choice left but to move forward. And I have to admit that I am more relieved to move on. I don't have to be dragged where moving on is concerned. I guess I am more than just willing to take that first step forward...

Letting Go

(August 10, 2004

10:35 PM

My room, Linden Suites Ortigas)

The city breathes you.

It speaks to me

of a past I thought

I have already forgotten.

It awakens memories

I have already burried,

reminding me of things

I'm not sure I still want to remember...